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Writer. Music head. Political junkie. Pop culture whore. Funny black boy. Looking to have a voice in the world -- with a few good sponsors.

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Moving Along, Ya'll
Tell Me (Said w/ a Dru Hill Jump)
Shake It Fast...But Watch Ya Self
Tyson Would Top Obama
Do The Libby Leg!
Mama, I Need A Career Planner
No.
Why Didn't He Interrupt Me Last Week?
Excuse Ya'll
Me Time

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Tuesday, October 06, 2009
8:12 PM


Moving Along, Ya'll

 


Should I have done this correctly in six seconds you'll be redirected to the new home of the blog. If not, please clown me on Twitter for not knowing what the hell I'm doing.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 4 Comments

Thursday, October 01, 2009
12:59 PM


Tell Me (Said w/ a Dru Hill Jump)

 

1. What in the fuck did she just say?

2. Why can Fabolous top the charts on Twitter but not Billboard?

3. Why would anyone want to read 400 pages of Sarah Palin talking about herself?

4. Why does it look like they almost forgot to include Lamar Odum in the shot?

5. Should I be happy that isn’t an Obama Liquor Store or an Obama Fried Chicken franchise?

6. Does blame on GM’s closure of Saturn fall on Moesha Mitchell?

7. Did you get the slight urge to hit him after watching this?

8. When will Whitney Houston fans admit that it’s not all Bobby Brown’s fault?

9. Why does Britney Spears have one let alone two greatest hits collections?

10. Who else misses this ‘first beginning’ version of Keyshia Cole?

11. When did Eddie Griffin get a reality show and why?

12. Why didn’t any of ya’ll tell me about The Noisettes?

13. Will skinny jeans cause a nationwide shortage of Black sperm?

KELLY__ROWLAND OK. So, I'm at the MoBo's and getting ready to have a GREAT show with David and the MoBo's F'd my sound up!!!!! PISSED!!!!!

KELLY__ROWLAND HONESTLY, that just makes me work harder! But, what I will say is the MoBo's owe me an apology!!!! I was LIVID after the show!

KELLY__ROWLAND I wanted you guys to be the 1st to hear it from me! rehearsals. were fine. soundcheck. was fine. performance, wad a struggle at 1st

KELLY__ROWLAND But, I got through it!!!!!!!! So-----It happens! The next show will be Better!--------TRUST!!!!!!!!!

14. But doesn’t she always sound like that?

15. Finish this sentence: If I were this dress in public I would be called _________?

16. Why won’t you all let Oprah’s long, flowing and real hair be great?

17. Anyone else waiting for Alicia Keys to cover "Woman to Woman?"

18. Is he serious?

19. Instead of spending $100 million on trying to get the 2016 Olympics, can the city of Chicago boost their school budgets so we might not have to see videos of children being beaten to death on the street anymore?

20. Is it a requirement for celebrities to join Twitter and undo all of the work of their publicists?

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 6 Comments

Tuesday, September 29, 2009
12:25 PM


Shake It Fast...But Watch Ya Self

 

When the wife’s away her panties come into play.

Just in case you feel the lines have been too blurred thanks to daytime TV and or your own battles with cataracts there is in fact a tree stump lurking in those satin black undies.

Unfortunately for this naughty vixen Victor’s Secret has been revealed.

If you’re wondering who this person dressed like Madea’s sassy little sister is, say hello to East Cleveland Mayor Eric Brewer.

This tall glass of sweat tea now finds himself in political danger in lieu of these photos leaking shortly before a primary election.

Naturally, it’s everyone else’s fault these pictures leaked.

I don’t think anyone forced him to go through his wife’s side of the drawer and channel Trina’s “Look Back At It,” do you?

If Mayor Brewer likes to play peak-a-boo with his disposable digital camera that’s his business, but he and other cross-dressing politicians might want to invest in a safe…or a sketch artist.

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 4 Comments

Monday, September 28, 2009
9:49 PM


Tyson Would Top Obama

 

If you asked most heterosexual black men which man would they bed if forced to chances are you’d get as warm a response as Karrine Steffans at an NBA wives meeting.

Yet there is one man ‘brave’ enough to answer the question without interjecting the words pause and no homo into the equation: Tyson Beckford.

He probably doesn’t mind entertaining the question given that as a male model most people think he spends his half his days close to his ankles anyway.

Nevertheless Tyson could’ve easily ducked the question and denied Bravo host Andy Cohen’s request for a chocolate-flavored wet dream.

And now some are wishing he did.

Like most of you, I didn’t need the image of Tyson topping President Obama in my mind. Granted, it sounds like that idea had been floating in his head for a second, but aren’t some of you riled about this video a little pressed?

You all do realize that Barack Obama was created in the early 1960s by Ann Dunham and Barack Obama, Sr. and not God three days after Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, correct? People say crass things about presidents all the time.

When people used to speak of bumping bushes with President Bubba, I vomited in my mouth and moved on. Try it.

As nasty as Tyson's scenario was (that is, unless you’re into that sort of thing) it could’ve been worse: He could’ve said he wanted a three way with Frankie and Dick Cheney.

There now your stomach is curving like Andy in his seat during this segment.

Labels: ,


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 4 Comments

Sunday, September 27, 2009
3:37 PM


Do The Libby Leg!

 



That's not exactly what the dance is called, but doesn't that sound catchy? If not, it's a pretty close second to its real name -- the Liberian Whop.

I discovered this dance after checking out Quddus' blog, The Q Side.

The dance itself reminds me of something I would do outside of a closed bathroom door when I had to pee as a child. There's also elements of moves I'm sure somebody's uncle (who prefers you call him something like "Jet" or "Sweet Uncle...") will be doing once your auntie's start trying to do the "Single Ladies" routine after that extra shot of Wild Turkey on Thanksgiving.

That said, I'd probably still do this dance on a public sidewalk if you took me to a good enough Happy Hour.



It looks a lot less complicated than jerking. And the Liberian Whop doesn't require that I wear nut hugging pants that will kill any viable chance of me having children. I'd bust my ass trying to do what they're doing in this video at the club anyway. All that bouncing around and shit. The hell I look like pretending hard wood floors are the trampoline remix?

The worst the Whop can do is maybe have me inadvertently bump my knees together. Thus, we have a winner in the Whop, folks.

I like to think that I'm going to end up international so as soon as I score that show, top-selling book, and Oprah's touch so I'm going to need to be able to fly around the world be prepared to be regionally dance friendly.

Now I've looked at my Statcounter and I've noticed I have regular visitors from Romania and Malaysia. Also parts of the Caribbean, Asia, and countries my old geography teachers would be ashamed of me for never having heard of. How do ya'll jig over there? Please send me videos and educate me.

Videos excluding porn, of course. I've noticed quite a few of my random Iranian visitors only come for the site looking for Beyonce or Britney Spears porn. That or monkey sex between Sarah Palin and Big Red (yes, Kool-Aid). Nasty, nasty.

Anyhow, I think it's only right that I start incorporating international jigs onto the blog. I remember posting about some U.K. dance that basically encouraged migraine headaches. While it may not be my kind of jig, I don't mind sharing it with ya'll.

Send me more gems like this, please. It's time that we all share the wealth. "Houston, Atlanta, Brooklyn to New Orleans" can't do all of the work.

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 6 Comments

12:41 AM


Mama, I Need A Career Planner

 



I know I can't be the only one who looked at this trailer and took it as a cry for help.

I get the sense that some of you feel as though I've been harsh on Ciara in recent months. The anonymous reader who called me an embittered homosexual for my last post, "Help Me: Ciara," tipped me off. Next thing you know someone's going to say Jesus doesn't like me anymore and that Mohammad will be waiting for me outside the club next weekend to whoop my punk ass.

Instead of someone asking why I go so hard on Ciara shouldn't folks start asking why she makes it so easy?

Take this trailer for Mama, I Want To Sing for example. Now I'm certain in Ciara's mind she thought her first starring role in a feature film would place her alongside the other singers who really have no business acting. I seriously don't want to put a damper on her triple threat ambitions, but who is advising her on her prospective film career? Taimak?

I get the fact that the original play the film is based on is highly popular, but somewhere along the way during shooting it had to have dawned on Ciara that something wasn't right. I don't even think Bookman from Good Times would do this movie. You can tell there's a lot wrong with this film based on the trailer.

Like the younger version of the main character having a better voice than that of the adult. How is the movie going to start off with the little girl blowing her grown self out of the water? Where do they do that at? If the character's vocal abilities were going to peak before puberty perhaps the movie should be renamed Mama, I Want To Go To College.

Oddly enough, I don't fault Lynn Whitfield and Patti Labelle for signing up for this film. I write a blog called The Recession Diaries, so I stay up on economic news -- even Lady Marmalade isn't turning as many tricks as she used to. I'm not mad, Patti. I'm not mad at all. Things haven't been right for your acting career since Out All Nite was canceled anyway. I personally still find it to be a great injustice.

Yet while Patti and Lynn get the OK for anything that pays Ciara, on the other hand, should've known better. The same can be said for Billy Zane. How does one go from starring alongside Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in Hollywood blockbusters to co-starring in straight-to-DVD films with Juanita Bynum and Ciara?

God be an answer to that riddle.

As it turns out the premiere of this film was supposed to be last night. Guess what? It got abruptly canceled due to technical difficulties...whatever that means. You know, if it were me I'd go ahead and put on my nicest pair of sweats, head over to the spiffiest Walmart I could find and snap a picture of myself holding the DVD near the clearance bin. Then after that I'd go home, hack my imdb page and delete any listing with my name attaching me to the project.

Ciara, please go find someone who's going to go to bat for you. Otherwise you'll be lucky if you can star in Bring It On 45. Or better yet go work on a follow-up album that will shut people like me up. This ain't it.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 8 Comments

Thursday, September 24, 2009
1:33 PM


No.

 



I'm not one to tell a person to give up on their dreams, but do ya'll know anyone out there hiring? I have a friend in my head who might need to look into a new career path.

When I first heard this song I thought it was great. Upon additional listens I thought it was alright, but wasn't going to make that much noise. After this video, I'm wondering why Def Jam just didn't give this video's budget to me. If they're going to waste money on some random effort why not send me the cash? At least I'm going to be successful.

I really don't like taking shots at Amerie. She's pretty, intelligent, and seems genuinely dedicated to improving as an artist. Yet...she doesn't' seem to get it. The video itself is nice. As always, Amerie is visually stunning and the video itself is put together well, but this isn't what people want from Amerie.

I'm going to keep saying it until artists start listening to me: Know your lane.

Amerie - like so many other singers before her - have fallen into the unfortunate belief that everyone has to be a superstar.

Her debut album continues to be one of the best R&B albums of the decade. She should've stuck with the sound that worked for and been content with the niche she carved. It's why artists like Maxwell can take 19-year-old breaks and come back and still sell without topping the Billboard Hot 100 and why you forget about artists like Ashanti three weeks after their first unsuccessful single.

Can someone pass this message to her and other decent tone yet vocally inconsistent rhythm-challenged singers:

There's only one spot right now for a girl who fits that category so repeat after me: Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh. Now go find someone else to be. Try yourself, because looking like Lady GaGa's late cousin isn't it.

But gon' head, Amerie, keep doing what you doing even though you should know it won't do nothing for you. Said with love, of course.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 9 Comments

5:12 AM


Why Didn't He Interrupt Me Last Week?

 

Disclaimer: If this is your first time reading this here blog, I politely ask that you skip this post and proceed to reading the entries below. I don't need newbies thinking this blog is my fake ass diary. Thank you. -- Mgt.

I could learn a thing or two from Kanye West. That is, lessons outside of the importance of accessorizing, embracing color, and "giving face."

I've always chalked up his "I'm greater than thou" shtick as nothing more than the overcompensating ways of a person harboring deep seated insecurities. That could very well be true, but my overly critical ass negated one important fact: Those antics actually work.

I, however, did not last Friday.

I came to LA this year to make a full fledged effort in pursuing my screenwriting dreams. In addition to reaching out to people who may be able to provide insight and/or point me in a helpful direction I applied to nearly every writing program imaginable.

Each broadcast network offers some sort of writing program. They’re a great way for aspiring writers to get that all important in. That is, an in that doesn’t require giving your jaws any weight training.

Over the past few weeks I learned that I was a semi-finalist for one of these said programs. And more recently, I was alerted that I advanced to the final round of applicants. That required me to come in for a sit down interview and sell myself on why I deserved to be in this program.

Now, I typically do well interviews…or I at least I used to think I did.

Last Friday proved that I am not up on game the way I used to be. I went in there confident. I just knew I would seal the deal. Make my way. Kick off 2010 the way I longed to.

None of that happened and it’s my own fault.

Basically: I didn't sell myself. More specifically: "Own the fact that you're a good writer and belong in a writer's room."

As I was talking Friday I couldn’t believe the nonsense coming out of my mouth.

Had you heard me speaking you would've looked at me like:

As soon as I left the interview I was wondering what in the hell did I just say.

Thankfully, the program runner - who I reached out to previously before this program's deadline - waited last to call me to explain exactly why I didn't make the final cut.

I didn't appear confident enough in my talent as a writer and overall comedic sensibilities. It was almost like this program was mine to lose...and I did by failing to prove that I belonged.

I have been getting on God’s nerves for weeks asking to be placed in this program knowing good and well he has more important things to do – like mopping up Atlanta.

But in hindsight, God had already given me a gift everything I needed to get in. I didn’t take ownership of the talent, abilities, and potential that I've been blessed with. Because of that I failed to attain something I desperately wanted.

Screenwriting is new territory for me. I’ve had no formal training and over time I’ve developed an anxiety about it. I come from an editorial background and with the exception of participating in a comedy writing program with Chris Rock and Comedy Central three years ago I essentially had to teach myself how to write in this format.

Why I allowed myself to become that pressed about it is beyond me. I've never placed that much emphasis into formal training. I appreciate my college experience for what it was, but I think I grew more as a writer by simply sitting down and reading good writing -- and of course actually spending time writing.

Now if I thought that in college why all of a sudden did I have a hang up about not taking Screenwriting 101?!

Instead of owning the fact that my very first spec got me in the second round of national film competition (of 4,000 applicants only 10% made it that far) and as a finalist for a network writing program I sat there looking antsy as hell.

I know I don't suck as a writer. I know that I'm funnier than the average credit score from The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I'm a non-threatening black man.

It was all there...wrapped with a pank ribbon (I wore pank to the interview...pause yourself). Yet I didn't seal the deal.

And now, I have to go back to square negative seven. In the end, I'll be fine. Better than fine. Yadda, yadda, bullshit.

As much as I hate losing, I can take something out of this experience. For so long I fought so hard to never appear cocky that I in turn started to seem insecure to some people.

That’s not who I am and that’s certainly not what I want to project to others. I've reflected on words shared to me this week and come to realize I may seem a little anxious or green to those who don't know me.

Even when I pitch pieces, while I know that I'll deliver good copy I'm not always certain I sell it as well as I'll ultimately turn it in. This is not good for a writer with ambition like mine.

I'm glad the program runner (who is lovely) said to me: "I believe in your talent, you're truly a funny guy and good writer."

Far too many of my friends say I never give myself enough credit. It’s time to admit that it’s valid criticism. I'm disappointed that I didn't appear to be sure of myself. I know that I'm a good writer. I need to be proud of what I've accomplished in 9 months.

Ugh, I sound like I wrote this post after a eating a fortune cookie. If you follow me on Twitter then you know how much I loathe schmaltzy stuff. Forgive me for sounding like a Hallmark card.

For this post, though, it seems a bit necessary to prove my overall point: Don't be anxious about your gifts. You'll only do yourself in.

I did and now I have to work that much harder to find another opportunity to advance.

Hopefully that day will come soon and I will embrace my inner Kanye and learn to smize in interviews. I still don't know what happened last week. I went in there grinning then all of a sudden became possessed by the spirit of a loserbitch. Maybe someone put a root on me? (Ciara, I see you.)

As much as I hate learning a lesson like this at this stage in my career it’s something I needed to finally grasp so that it will never happen again. I'll see to it that it won't. I got student loans to pay off. Hangups don't keep Sallie Mae away.

Thank you for indulging me in this rant.

Feel free to send your connections to literary agents, development executives, and showrunners below.


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 7 Comments

Tuesday, September 22, 2009
12:52 PM


Excuse Ya'll

 



You know, I'm starting to become disappointed in some of my family and friends. Oh, and ya'll, too, readers. You all are just as guilty as the ones I know personally.

Now, let me explain again how this here thing works: We are in the circle of foolishness. That means if you know of something ign't, you share it with me. If some of ya'll can email me about promoting PETA, body spray, and Amerie scratching her head certainly you can keep me up with the latest dances.

I'm out here in Cali, folks. They don't dance. They two step and body roll after two over priced drinks 15 minutes before the club lets out at 12:45. That is, unless you're at a hood spot and quite frankly, I only go to hood spots if they're in my hood or in a hood I'm familiar with. I haven't reached that point with LA yet. I'm liable to get shot up by Barney and raped by Baby Bop for wearing the wrong shade of purple around here.

Besides, I jig, I'on (yes I'on) jerk. That means my people - particularly you, my southern brethren - have to keep me current. I can't keep calling my younger brother and niece for the scoop. If I ask my niece about all the new dances when I call her though she may tell me I have to maintain the image that education comes first. Well, first I tell her she's the most beautiful girl in the world and then I tell her to read a book. You get what I'm saying, though.

That said, this dance is "new" to me but not to Dallas, Houston and surrounding jiggable metropolitan areas. A friend from home told me about it last night on the phone. Naturally, as she was still talking I Googled "Party Boys Flex" and found the above video within seconds.

Search game proper.

Like the dances before it I see that it's essentially the movements of a retarded homosexual. Obviously, that doesn't bother me. I'm half way there anyway.

Upon further research (i.e. another quick Google search) I found the mp3. This song came out 8 days after my birthday....in April.

This would have been a perfect post-b-day gift. I'm about to send out a mass text message (including my mama, who informed me about the Halle Berry), but let me also remind each of you who enjoys this blog that we needn't let this happen again.

I am now 25. That means while I can still twirk (a few months ago a friend challenged me to a twirk off, she had body aches the next day) we don't know how long my knees are going to last. I messed them up a couple of years ago from running and haven't checked them out due to me losing health insurance in April.

Unless Obama and Congress get it together, my dreams of dropping it well into my 80s could be dashed. I have to make sure I live up to my prime jiggable years while I still have them.

So when you discover something new, you have to send it to me. I will forgive everyone this time, but don't let it happen again.

Now go think about what you've done...then go flex your guilt away.

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 8 Comments

10:53 AM


Me Time

 

So Monet from the blog, Style & Substance, did an interview with yours truly. She's a trooper because I took CP time to a new level with answering her questions. I still feel bad about it, but thankfully, she didn't curse me out about it.

Do check it out by clicking here:

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 3 Comments