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Monday, September 29, 2008
5:12 PM


Touch-Up

 


I understand with the economy officially entering the first four circles of hell one must save wherever they can, but can any of the female readers explain to me why Koolaid should dual as hair dye?

I've never understood it, and unless someone really breaks it down for me, I doubt I ever will. If I didn't know any better, I would say T-Bone's friend scalped Angela Lansbury and dipped the tips of her hair in Big Red's cup before gluing that to her head. I might not be able to see people's faces the second my contacts pop out, but I got those suckers in right now and I'm not seeing the appeal.

Then again, I might not be up on game. Apparently buying Raksha and Urishita's hair in New Dehli and coloring pieces of it with a genetic brand crayon is what's hot now.

I can even see the chalk head look being rocked more, but those other two, I'm still lost, ya'll.

Help me out, beauty school graduates.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 4 Comments

Friday, September 26, 2008
1:07 AM


You Are How You Sound

 


Have you ever listened to a song and thought the artist behind it smells like an egg and fish sandwich? If so, you’re like one of my friends who recently introduced me to a new concept: The way you sound might suggest how you smell.

Texting back and forth on Tuesday, I mentioned going to cop Jazmine Sullivan’s debut album. My friend responded by calling her Stinky Sullivan.

After I stopped laughing I asked for the story behind the name and was hit back with: “Becuz her voice make her sound like she stink. I’m not the only personal that said that either. Multiple people have said the same exact thing without me even bringing it up.”

Though I continued laughing I wrote all of this off but was refuted with: “Whateva! The girl sings like she don’t wash. Her voice just sounds smelly. Especially on bust your windows. Gross!”

This theory was back up for discussion yesterday so I asked for a second opinion. My sister laughed when I told her about all of this, noted it was mean, but did add she could get what my friend was saying. Something about how a person can sound really groggy like they didn’t brush their teeth. OK.

I’m still a bit unsure about all of this, but I thought about trying it myself. If you can base a person’s odor based on the tone of their voice, you should probably be able to infer other characteristics based on other arbitrary things, right?

So:


Lil’ Boosie: Looks like he can destroy a bathroom.
In the Ferrari or Jaguar, switchin four lanes
With the top down screamin out, money ain't a thang

J.D.: Sounds like he has bad credit.

Plies: Talks like his breath may smell like catfish. (It doesn’t help that he looks like an actual catfish.)

Lil’ Wayne: His hair seems like it reeks of cough syrup, weed, and Baby.

Jennifer Hudson: Her smile leads me to believe that she eats hog head cheese.

Akon: Sings hooks like someone who smells like incense.

R. Kelly: His voice makes him sound like he uses baby lotion to cover up the smell of ass and piss.


Ciara: Somebody else's scent.

Missy Elliot: Rhymes like her tongue is sponsored by Starkist.

Alicia Keys. With a voice like that, I bet she uses Right Guard.

Foxy Brown: Talks like someone who drinks a lot of Grape Soda.

Jazze Phea: The shape of his head suggests his breath has to smell like pork chops.

Ne-Yo: Sings like someone that wears Elizabeth Taylor: White Diamonds.

Rick Ross: His stomach looks like it's full of Hamburger Helper.

Jeezy: Speaks like his scent is sponsored by Old Spice.

Chris Brown: Sings like he smells like a box of animal crackers.

Remy: Sounds like her breath stinks….ooh, wait hold up. I think I get it now.

Maybe your voice really can say a lot about body odor.
Where have I been?

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 11 Comments

Thursday, September 25, 2008
10:05 AM


Another Stab Wound to Hip-Hop

 



I see Frito, Bugles, and UTZ are serious about their rap dreams. Look I've already wasted 5 minutes and 17 seconds of my life watching this video so I'm going to review this one very quickly: If they're billion dollar boyfriends why does it look like their video was paid for with a roll of quarters?

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 2 Comments

9:19 AM


Gon' Girl

 



Disclaimer: Damn those are a lot of commercials for a 60 second clip. The recession is real, ya'll.

Artists like to use magazines as a way of generating interest in them and their looming projects by way of some controversial cover and/or article. However, whenever such attention grabbing stunt backfires, the artist in turn likes to place the blame on the publication that they themselves usually seek out first. Ciara seems to be no different from other backsliders.

The caption is "Stand Up! Ciara," the cover story is entitled "The Fantasy Unfolds," and the quote is "I'm not gonna hold back too much." Looking at the shoes, her open mouth, and where her hands are placed I can't imagine what a thong and a bra (if actually worn) would have done to deter this very suggestive pose and the obvious theme of the article.

It gets better.

So muscle butt is saying these "artistic" photos of her bent over in size 24 stilletos are tainted because VIBE allegedly airbrushed her draws off in the cover (in a pose you wouldn't be able to see them anyway).

Who is she supposed to be fooling?



Judging from her previous comments, she knew what the deal was and seemed excited about it. Ciara went to a magazine that had Moesha on all fours to be artistic. Right, and strippers get tipped extra for ballet lessons.


Ciara got naked for two reasons.

1. To prove that she wasn't born Carl.
2. Ass gets attention.

If you're going to be naked, but equally as nude about your thought process.

She's not going to sue VIBE not because she's over it but because a judge would likely drop the suit right on her Harry and the Hendersons sized feet. Ciara is not a victim and I'm not sure how good an idea it is to cause strife between you and one of the few magazines willing to put you on their cover.

When Ciara dropped "Goodies" despite the beat being a rehash of "Yeah" and "Freak-A-Leek" the lyrics made her somewhat of anamoly in that it had somewhat of a virginal quality to it. Then she decided to be like everyone else.

One minute she's in Hammer pants, the next she's found Aaliyah's old clothes, soon after she snatches Rihanna's old stylist, and now she's not into wearing clothes at all as she goes for Janet Jackson-like career defining magazine covers.

Her music is cool (well, not that second album) and she's a great performer, but she seems like someone who doesn't know who they want to be and is willing to do whatever and become whoever she thinks will get her success. That's fine, if you're into people with an identity crisis, but it makes a person look wack to me.

The pictures are nice albeit a bit desperate and won't generate album sales (people will right click save, not right click purchase), though I'm almost certain if she just spent more time performing and working on her new material (which so far sounds promising), she would likely get all the attention she desires.

Everybody wants to be like everyone else, and then when they catch heat for something, folks want to pull back and blame everyone but themselves.

Ciara, you've already shown your ass. No sense in trying to cover it up now.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 3 Comments

Wednesday, September 24, 2008
12:38 PM


I Need Answers

 

1. Can you believe there was a time when people wanted to see Aretha Franklin’s stomach?

America’s two favorite brothers Real and Chance tried to steal New York’s heart in the VH1’s hit series I Love New York but were both left broken-hearted. Now the Stallionaires are back and ready to find love in their own new 11-episode series. Real and Chance will get their much deserved, and much anticipated chance to find real love as 15 young ladies move into their Stallionaire ranch house and try to capture their hearts. In the final episode, Chance and Real will make the most difficult decision of their lives. With two women vying for each of their hearts, they must decide who they would like to take a real chance of love with, and who’s going home alone.
2. Are they serious?
3. When will it end?
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals sent a letter to Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, cofounders of Ben & Jerry's Homemade Inc., urging them to replace cow's milk they use in their ice cream products with human breast milk, according to a statement recently released by a PETA spokeswoman.

4. I just threw up in my mouth a little. How about you?

5. Why has The Wire never won an Emmy?

6. If Solange is so hard up on separating herself from her sister, why is she picking up her scraps with endorsement deals from the same companies as Beyonce (Armani, L’Oreal)?

7. If Mathew could leverage deals for Solange, why couldn’t he do the same for Kelly Rowland?



8. She was fucking her boss. Just how shy can Cassie really be?


9. Am I the only one who feels like Ciara looks like a new person every other week?

10. Should he hold on to that uniform?


11. Is there anything actually young about Jeezy?

12. With their album selling about as well as iPods to deaf people, which artist should retire first: LL Cool J, Nelly, Janet or Ashanti?


13. Isn't it time for the Pussycat Dolls to pull back the duct tape, let their dicks swing in the air and ride off into the sunset?



14. What was Michael Jackson thinking when he decided to live across the street from an elementary school in Las Vegas?


15. Naomi Campbell says she wants to have kids. What’s the British version of CPS called?


16. Strangé?


17. Kanye West has signed on to do a “black version of the Muppets.” Why?



18. What took people so long?



19. First Joy Behar on The View, and now Chris Rock on Letterman. Why do we have to go to the comedians to put the truth out there?


20. If these two had a headbutt fight, who would win?

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 8 Comments

Tuesday, September 23, 2008
3:32 PM


Bad Girl

 



In case you were never convinced over the last 15 years despite a very concentrated effort, Janet Jackson likes sex. Really freaky sex. With whips and chains. Piercings. Probably a clown, too, if it's into bondage and slick choreography.

Don't worry: I'm not about to wail on her for her hyperactive vagina on stage routine -- that's about as old as the bit itself.

Actually, I want to continue on with a previous discussion of creepy ass songs with lyrics that scare you. When I saw this video, I was reminded of just how eerie the lyrics to "Discipline" were.

Something ain't right about that family. Sometimes I wonder if some adult took their hand and went he-he-whooo right around some body parts they had no business touching, but that could be dead wrong. Still I have questions.

Why do so many of the Jackson clan members speak in a light whisper as if they're still children versus their natural speaking voices? Does Michael Jackson really think we believe he had sex with a woman and produced two white babies? Why does LaToya walk around as if she's Mattel's version of Playboy Barbie? These are very legitimate concerns, particularly Michael and Janet walking around whispering on camera but sounding like screw on stage when they're talking to the crowd.

Now back to Janet. With Michael sucking up so much of the concern from the public, I never really thought about Janet being thrown off (in comparison to her siblings), but then I heard "Discipline."

Daddy I disobeyed you
Now I want you to come punish me

Doesn't she realize we know the history of her father?

Babe I need some discipline tonight/Don't hold back/I've been very bad
Make me cry
Oooo...
Got to make me cry
Oooo...


"Daddy make me cry?" That's not S&M. That's a cry for help.

When I first heard the song, I laughed at how ridiculous her voice sounded in the chorus, then I laughed even harder at how far she will go to proof that she has the biggest sex drive on Earth, only to ultimately feel like I needed a shower and prescription after listening to those lyrics again.

So tell me if I'm being prudish or do I need to start hoping that it's never too late to call CPS.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 3 Comments

2:40 PM


Get Money

 

I had to take Economics in college and the idea of taking that course was as exciting to me as the prospect of my dick kissing a pair of scissors. I found the subject complicated, and I'm not afraid to admit I sometimes had to read material once, twice, maybe three times to figure a concept out. Though I somehow managed to get a B in this course, if you asked me to explain the current financial crisis in simpler terms, I'd tell you to shut up and let me just tell you how I'm going to try and fix it. Coincidentally, that's the same way approach President Bush is taking to handle one of the worst financial crises in this nation's history.

Though I understand that this unprecedented bailout is an unfortunate unnecessary evil to prevent Spam becoming as valuable as Mercedes-Benz' CL class, I'm still a bit annoyed by it. Why can't the government bail my ass out? I've been a lot more responsible than those greedy triflin' asses on Wall Street and my bailout would be far less than the projected $700 billion, so why not pay my debt off, too?

If President Bush is so gung ho about averting the crisis he helped create, he needs to look into other ways to come up with the cash to fix his fuck ups that doesn't include our tax dollars.

I have some ideas:

1. Sell ass.

America's been sucking off Saudi Arabia to get a good discount on oil for decades. It's about time an American president drops and touches his toes to earn some cash with no strings attached.


Gangsta Boo - Where Dem Dollaz At -
Uploaded by gizzup


Throw on your cowboy hat, assume the position, and say the phrase that pays, Bush.

2. Sell bootleg shit to Europeans.

Ask the Chinese for advice. They want us to make money to pay them back anyway.

3. Threaten executives with a shanking.

Some of these executives have received tens or even hundreds of millions of dollars after being fired for being an incompetent employee. They helped create this mess, why not shake them down for a little severance money if it's for the cause?

4. Stop giving rich people money they don't deserve.

Even in this bailout these jackasses are giving these even bigger jackasses more money to "fix" the problem they created. What's the lesson in that?

5. Get out of Iraq.

We could probably do a lot with those billions of dollars we're using to pay off people that can't stand us to temporarily play nice.

Somebody needs to fix the economy quick because I don't want to spend 2009 and 2010 eating oatmeal and syrup sandwiches.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 1 Comments

Saturday, September 20, 2008
6:46 PM


Party Don't Stop

 

As people continued to send text messages to loved ones to check on their well being or to share vital information like the locations of pod (point-of-distribution) centers, the number to call for food stamps (everyone became eligible) open grocery stores, gas stations, and restaurants, on Wednesday my brother was forwarded an alert of another kind.

AFTER DA STORM COOKOUT & PARTY....2 DAY FROM NOON TO CURFEW! COME EAT, DRINK & PARTY AND 4GET ABOUT IKE! PAJAMA PARTY 8 P.M. - 12 A.M. FREE TILL 8 P.M. $5 AFTER!

In a time of grief and sorrow a club promoter - out of the sheer graciousness of his heart, no doubt - decided to wave the cover charge for 8 hours as he provided a venue (possible powered by a generator) for people to come together and get fucked up in the middle of the day. Tell me you're touched, too.

The reason why it's a pajama party might be related to the fact that it's too damn hot to wear anything else. And by cookout, I'm assuming hot dogs topped with cocaine.

If people weren't still roaming around the city searching for gas, generators, light bulbs, and ice without the fear of doing so past midnight so they won't be issued a $500 citation for violating curfew, I imagine it would be a lot easier to just forget about Ike. But alas, that ain't the case and a mid-afternoon shot can only do so much, no?

Update: People don't learn. Another club tried to buck the system and found itself raided last night. The curfew ended tonight. You would think people could wait a little while longer, but apparently not. Oh well. Holla at a bail bondsman.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 5 Comments

5:25 PM


After The Storm Q&A

 

If you were wondering where I've been hiding (well not really me so much as my smart ass posts, right?), I've been living under a rock named Ike. A hurricane the size of Texas bitch-slapped the city of Houston and just about every single power line in the metropolitan area. So, I haven't had electricity for a while. I just got it back today.

I figured a few of you might be curious to know what it's like to endure a major hurricane (it was one mile away from being a category 3, and it shared some characteristics with a category 4) bitch slapping you, so instead of finding random comments posted or getting any emails or MySpace messages about a bitch named Ike, I've prepared a short Q&A.

Q: What is it like to go through a hurricane?
A: Fucked up without cable...or a roof.

Q: How long have you been without electricity?
A: Too damn long.

Q: What did you do to keep yourself busy?
A: Be pissed off. Wait in line for ice and water. Mull possible escape options. Survey major damage to my sister's home. Try to watch movies on battery-powered mini DVD players for like 2 hours. Curse out my jacked up laptop. Listen to my iPod. Be angry some more. Pray. Read.

Q: Don't you know it could've been worse? Think about Katrina.
A: Shut up, bitch. Don't you think I know that? Yes, of course I'm thankful to be alive and be grouchy. Some people lost their homes and lives. I know that more than anyone.

FYI: New Orleans was not hit directly by Katrina. What happened was those levees were breached (conveniently in an impoverished area of the city that developers sought to gentrify) and the administration elected foolishly by the electorate dropped the ball on the heads of the people of New Orleans.

By contrast, Ike's side eye made a direct hit for Houston and thus we were forced to eat the cake via wind damage. It's not fun trying to peak out of a window hoping the century's old tree that's doing the shoulder lean thanks to hurricane force winds doesn't fall on your house (with you in it) or that the glass you're watching through gives you the glass eye remix.

And as far as devastation goes, while Houston was only dropkicked say a prayer for Galveston because that island was demolished. I'm not sure if the death thirsty news media waited to shift their news coverage long enough to let you all be privy to that information.

Q: Why don't you move?
A: Why don't you pay my bills? I'm leaving soon enough, but unless you're chipping in, you know what to do.

Q: How can one survive without the internet?
A: Beats the hell out of me.

Q: What's the first thing you did when the lights came on?
A: Drop and give 'em 50. No, I thanked God then went on with plans to go see Tyler Perry's new movie. Last night all of the homes around us saw their lights flicker on. It was like a stare down on my non-electricity having house. And it was hot as hell, so I was determined to go see this movie since Ike changed plans last week. I didn't want to bootleg the man, so yeah. Good movie, by the way.

Q: Were you writing during the blackout?
A: A little, but mainly curse words.

A: Have you heard....?
A: No, I didn't have any power!

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 6 Comments

Thursday, September 11, 2008
10:37 PM


Rain, Rain, Go Away (Punk Ass Wind, Too)

 


In yet another reminder of why I need to hurry up and move (oh how that day is drawing closer and closer), Hurricane Ike is headed my way and ready to give my city a bitch slap.

It was only a week ago that I told my friend on the phone that there were two storms chasing behind Gustav. When I said the name Ike my friend burst into laughter. He wasn't alone. On Ike I saw Anderson Cooper say on CNN, "If Tina shows up, I'll be there."

I laughed at my friend and Anderson. Ha ha hell now.

I'm praying to God that I don't lose my power and my internets for too long. I'm trying to find a permanent escape route, ya dig.

And before you brand me a self-involved jackass, I'm also praying that the wind not knock off people's roofs and that flooding damage be kept to a minimum. I don't want to see Major the neighborhood crackhead and schizophrenic floating by on a boat asking folks to by him a beer at the nearest relief shelter.

Not to mention, I think everyone should say a collective prayer (or wish on a star, knock on some wood, think happy thoughts, eat a lucky chicken wing, whatever it is that you do) because the storms we have now are going to look like sprinkles if we don't get our act together. Word to Al Gore.

I'm also trying not to curse the people losing their damn minds before the storm makes landfall out. Today folks were spinning around the grocery store like they're a walking hurricane, and driving like they're being chased by a tornado. I know people are scared, but c'mon nah.

Alright, that's it, I guess. Don't know when I'll get to update. Hopefully the wind doesn't huff, puff, and blow the damn power lines down.

That would really suck.

If you're in Ike's path, be safe. If you aren't, be grateful.

P.S. Wish me luck on my maintaining my last nerve through the weekend. :|

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 10 Comments

Wednesday, September 10, 2008
12:12 PM


Fashion Rocks

 

If you were looking for a review of the VMAs from me, in sum: It was like watching an old dog that needed to be put to sleep.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, it seems like all of the artists that probably should have been booked for the MTV Video Music Awards/Hills celebration party decided to take Sunday off and just stick to the Fashion Rocks taping last Friday instead.


Find more videos like this on The Celebrity Network


Rihanna really sucks as a performer. I thought she was getting better, but lately she’s been performing with about as much enthusiasm as people laying in caskets. Beauty doesn’t always prevent boredom, Rih-Rih. Surprised Madonna hasn't put a hex on her yet.


I haven't decided on how I feel about Beyonce’s version of “At Last." I appreciate that she didn't extend the song by seven minutes the way Christina Aguilera is known to, but I'm not sure if I love it. I was more impressed by her speaking voice during the tribute video. Don’t knock her speech coach game.

As for Etta James: That is somebody's fly grandma.

I’ve come to appreciate Chris Brown the performer. There I said it. Actually, I’ve said it before so leave me be, Breezy bitches. Now that Usher has fallen off, who else do I have to look forward to? Ne-Yo the Negro is not an acceptable answer. Anyway, while Chris tricks his money off on Rihanna, it wouldn’t kill him to sign her up for a dance class.


Find more videos like this on The Celebrity Network


I’ve seen people in wheelchairs shake it harder than Duffy, but I don’t care: Her song knocks and she can sing. Step your rehab game up, Amy Wino.


Having Justin Timberlake take part in a Motown tribute is like serving tofu at a soul food place. Kidding, kidding. He was alright.

Mariah Carey was introduced as someone that’s made some of the most danceable music of our time. Right, and Marilyn Manson is the world's most underrated gospel artist. I guess one could make that claim if you call big ballds you can wave your hand to dance music. Personally, I’m still trippin’ off the promo shot she used for this performance. Does she really think she looks anything like that?

Nicole should really let those other girls in the group speak. They do her the great favor of masking the fact that she can’t dance and is relatively boring by herself on stage. Shouldn't they get some reward?



I didn’t mind the poster child for media training’s performance as much people did. She did sing like she just inhaled a 200 pound man, but outside of that I thought she looked good and had a lot of energy. I wouldn’t get up on stage and do the robot, but maybe that works for some people.

And last and certainly least, the Black Eyed Peas. Whenever I see them perform I feel like an Urban Outfitters ad has come to life. Next.

All and all the only thing missing from Fashion Rocks was actual fashion.
There you go. Will try to do better with the updates this week.

Videos spotted at That Grape Juice/The Celebrity Network.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 5 Comments

Friday, September 05, 2008
2:49 PM


Nevermind

 



I was at the barbershop when I saw Brandy looking extra geeked to be invited somewhere to talk about music in 2008. I was planning to write more about this, but just when I thought to start blogging, I started choking. You know how on TV you see a character by themselves eating and then all of a sudden they start gasping for air because their greedy ass couldn't wait to chew? That was me a little while ago.

Maybe she has a sensor, because for a minute it felt Brandy was driving right up and down the back of my throat, so I'll be damned if I make any cracks about her.

I think I'm going to settle down and chill. I got nothing for ya'll until Monday.

But in the meantime, Keith is breathing, so maybe you ought to give his blog a look. If you like my sense of humor, you should love his.

For shit talking from people not choking on Tostitos multi-grain chips (they are so good so long as they don't slice your throat open), click here.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 2 Comments

Thursday, September 04, 2008
1:09 PM


B'Day

 


Twenty-seven years ago a man with dreams of becoming the Berry Gordy remix and a woman with Supreme aspirations got together to create a child they could both live vicariously through.

And God, am I so grateful for them for doing so. Happy Birthday to one of my generation's greatest performers and bedazzlers. Don't ask me what I mean by bedazzlers -- I just feel like whenever you talk about Beyonce, you have to interject that word somewhere.

One of my friends called Beyonce a bitch yesterday. As blasphemous a thing as that is to say, Beyonce stans have to remember that some people fight their better senses. When some people see her sing beautifully and coochie pop her way through one of her noteworthy performances, they don't get it or at least they refuse to. That's why you sometimes have to shove someone down their throats. Sure, it may irritate them at first, but eventually they give in...and when it comes to Beyonce, give in they will.

OK, let me stop posting like I'm sitting beside Yolanda Saldavar. It's Beyonce's birthday, so here are some gifts I want to send her.

1. A date with a masseuse. She needs one for all of the years she's carried people on her back.

2. A new fan. After a while, even the best fan can lose its power blowing all of that blonde weave for effect.

3. A pair of scissors. She needs to cut her hair because we need a change. Word to Obama.

4. An extra biscuit two-piece. She's given us so much. We should give back to her for a change.

5. A gift certificate to L'Oreal. She ought to get this stuff for free, but apparently Solange cashed out all of her coupons a few years ago when she rocked those multi-colored braids. After I used 'the Google' I discovered L'Oreal has a variety of hair coloring products. Beyonce should try to find a new look to go with her shorter hair. Or hell, if she wants to use the scissors to cut Kelly's gripe on her, that's fine, too. Just get another hair color. Something new. Something different. Something actually shocking...


...because that isn't it, Queen Bee. Love you, but I'm just saying you looked like that in 2006, 2006, 2004, and 2003. I'm more shocked the people of India and Asia haven't signed an international treaty to stop selling you that hair color.


6. A all-expense paid trip to Borders. That way we won't have that expression after reading and/or watching one of her interviews.



7. Letting her breathe. This means you, hating ass hater. Roots are real, ya dig?

Yeah, I'm done now. She doesn't need anymore gifts. She's already rich as hell and married to someone even richer.

Now say happy birthday!

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 8 Comments

Wednesday, September 03, 2008
2:50 AM


Do You Hear What I Hear?

 



I remember turning over to the B-Side of my cassette copy of the “Will You Be There” single and being instantly spooked out of my mind by the sound of Michael Jackson singing as if he was holding back tears.

I didn’t think anyone outside of the Jackson family (both real members and imagined) actually liked that song, but a couple of days later I learned otherwise. My friend said he loves this song because it reminds him of his own childhood. And no, I don’t mean that in a Papa Joe beat him and gave him such a poor self-image he wanted to alter his race and gender, too, sort of way. He said he just remembers liking the song as a kid, and whenever he hears it, he thinks of the past. I can relate because when I look back on my childhood favorites, I instantly think of playing Sade on my Fisher’s Price record player, and listening to Eightball and MJG’s Sittin’ On Top Of The World as my sister drove my brother and I to school (“Friend or Foe” was our favorite).

But this is where it gets tricky. When he told me he liked the song, I blurted out how “Childhood” was depressing as hell. He didn’t know what I meant by that. My response was, “Have you listened to that song? The whole thing is about him never having a childhood and being sad as hell about it.” And then I kept going. And going. And going. He said I ruined the song for him. That wasn’t my intention, but I mean, have ya’ll listened to that song?

As I’ve made clear several times, I love me some Michael Jackson (my namesake), but that song is gloomy. Let me check your wrist after you’re done singing gloomy.

At the time of the conversation, I could only remember the line, “Have you seen my childhood? I’m searching for the world where I come from.” Then I vaguely remembered him in the video looking extra pitiful in the forest like Peter Pan just kicked him out of the Lost Boys. Even back then I knew that song was about Michael Jackson getting his ass beat and never having fun as a child.

I have my own childhood issues. The last thing I needed was another reminder from the poster child for repressed memories of that.

Anyway, when I tried to explain why that song just wasn’t right then or now to me, he quipped back, “Who was paying attention to the lyrics at that age?”

Help me out, ya’ll. I can’t be alone, can I?

Maybe, because after telling another friend about what happened, she chimed in that she loved the song, too. And like him she wasn’t paying attention to the lyrics like that. She just thought it sounded nice. That I can understand, but someone tell me they can understand why someone – even a kid – wouldn’t be leading the sing-a-long to "Childhood."

I’ve since looked up the lyrics to this song, and if I weren’t convinced Michael needed to go see a therapist after recording that song (or a few decades prior), I am now.

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for the world that I come from
'Cause I've been looking around
In the lost and found of my heart...
No one understands me
They view it as such strange eccentricities...
'Cause I keep kidding around
Like a child, but pardon me...

People say I'm not okay
'Cause I love such elementary things...
It's been my fate to compensate, for the Childhood
I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like pirates in adventurous dreams,
Of conquest and kings on the throne...
Before you judge me, try hard to love me,
Look within your heart then ask,
Have you seen my Childhood?

People say I'm strange that way'
Cause I love such elementary things,
It's been my fate to compensate,for the Childhood I've never known...

Have you seen my Childhood?
I'm searching for that wonder in my youth
Like fantastical stories to share
The dreams I would dare, watch me fly...

Before you judge me, try hard to love me.The painful youth I've had
Have you seen my Childhood....

The song is beautifully written, but I still want to write him a prescription. And before the MJ Unit e-got's me, I see the appeal in the song. It's sweet and shit, all that.

But all of this has got me to thinking do people really not pay attention to lyrics?

I remember trying to explain how Rihanna’s lyrical content was overtly sexual and obviously penned by a man and people looking at me as if I told them I just spotted Jesus doing “My Dougie.”

Most of the time, I refer to “Lemme Get That,” where she’s saying stuff like, “Wish I was in a flick, and I ain’t talking movies.” She also mentions something about “Why complain, he buying Gucci, babe?” Sounds like Tweety and Big Bird penned it, right?

I usually miss a lot of things when I first hear a song, too. Like the remix to “Your Body’s Callin’.” I had no idea a minor Aaliyah was telling Pissy, “Are you hungry? Do you want to eat?” Why wasn't that included in his trial?

I would think these days most people could catch the lyrics on any most songs out now given so many of them have a 50 word, two syllable limit.

Besides, what if they're giving away lotto numbers in a song? You would be missing out.

So c'mon nah, fill me in: Do you pay attention?

P.S. Mike could’ve added a little bit more color to the cast. He knows he could have let the Black boy fly, too.

And if I have ruined "Childhood" for you, too, I'm sorry. Don't blame me, though. Blame Joe.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 10 Comments

Tuesday, September 02, 2008
4:59 PM


Help Me: Solange

 

Dear Michael,

It is so hard to be an ART-ist.

People can be so judgmental when you’re different.
And really, who is more different than me?



Think about your answer long and hard.


Right. I thought so.
I am so different which is why people continue to HATE.

Just because I don’t conform to what PEOPLE think I should look like I get all of this negative energy.

Be happy with yourself and you should be happy about me because I am DIFFERENT and different should mean WONDERFUL. But no society teaches you that being different is wrong so when you depart from traditional things people attack you.

WHY?


Like if I want to rock Reynolds Wrap as a dress than let me be MYSELF. I don’t say anything when you use it to cook so don’t worry about me baking on the red carpet.



No one trashed Dorothy’s ruby red slippers, so don’t knock my remix! Matching ain’t for everybody, people. Expand your minds!


You don’t have to appreciate my swagger, but appreciate that I am being different and that is a BEAUTIFUL thing.

Now as for all of this controversy surrounding my “ATTITUDE” – I don’t know what to say.



Can’t you see how DISRESPECTFUL she was? FOX is so racist and just because that woman is Black doesn’t change that with her rude ass. Smiling at me, giving me a warm introduction, pretending she respects my wishes by not asking me 80 questions about my sister. That bitch ain’t SLICK.
As I said on my MySpace BLOG I told my mgt that I didn’t want to go on any Fox station because they are racist.



Do you see that? RACISM IS STILL ALIVE!



They are lucky that despite loving Bjork I follow Dr. King’s non-violent approach to life. YES WE CAN…beat that ass. But I am a mother and I cannot behave as immaturely as Fox. I don’t know why anyone thinks I should apologize.

What should I apologize for? For speaking my mind? For defending my family? For following Kanye West’s lead and standing up?



Now people are trying to drag me to media training. I don’t need media training. What is media training supposed to do? Make me like everyone else and offer cookie cutter answers?

That isn’t me. I don’t bit my tongue.

I am non-conformist, which is a fancier way of saying I am DIFFERENT.

My personality is different. My clothes are different. And most of all my MUSIC is different.

I am all about the music and just because I do interviews doesn’t mean I have to beg people to like me or give them a reason to buy my stuff.

It should be about the MUSIC, and even if I do an interview that doesn’t include a performance wherein they can judge my music that does not mean people should focus on my looks or personality.


Don’t ask me what I’m trying to say, my job isn’t to make sense it’s to make MUSIC.

Either love me or leave me alone.



People don’t know the whole story and we have to educate ourselves. As I said here, Fox and TMZ are affiliates and that is why I can’t stand outlets like them. Be different: WATCH CNN!

F*ck FOX! I curse a lot. Haha. I’m so bad.

And while I have you I hope you’re learning about Obama and this important moment in our history. He has a dream!

Excuse my ranting. I am done now.

Sunny days and starry nights to you!

Go out and be different…but don’t jock me or Jay-Z!

Signed Sincerely,

Sol-Angel

---

Dear Solange,

After watching you kirk out on YouTube, I took your album back and bought some Chick-Fil-A. I’d rather eat chicken with my money than throw it at a girl that’s squawking like one.

Don’t be mad. You don’t care about sales, remember? I mean you did say you wanted your album to be a success, but maybe you just meant musically. Either way look on the bright side: After I got my money back on your CD, I ordered something DIFFERENT on Chick-fil-A’s menu. Obama is the him for you, right? Well, that sandwich was change I can believe in.

You are about as different as a redneck with a southern accent. Doing Motown isn’t a new idea, and neither is mismatching. But to be honest, I agree that it shouldn’t matter how you look or your personality, but that’s not the world we live in. If people don’t like you, they’re not going to buy your album.

If you hated the industry that much, why did you sign to a major label? Is the one you signed to the nicer conglomerate as opposed to the other 4?

You make it so difficult to ignore your personality and focus just on your music. Maybe you ought to give media training some thought. You could learn a lot from it. Fun and interesting things like media ownership. That way when you put down TMZ and big up CNN, you’ll realize they both share the same parent company.

Or let’s say when you clown Fox on MySpace: You’ll know that you’re venting about a network on a sister company’s platform.

You can learn all of these fun facts and more! Or even better you will understand that it’s better to think before you speak, so you’ll know when it’s appropriate to correct an anchor. By doing so, you won’t miss out on a chance to be known as a great performer and a welcomed addition to the bland music scene instead of being marginalized as a spoiled brat.

When you already have things going against you, isn’t it better to try and win people over? You don’t have to be fake to get ahead. Just try not to act like your shoulders aren’t named Frito and Lay.

You could probably care less about what I and others have to say and that’s too bad. But I hope you fire whoever told you that you’d get far having Janet’s attitude with Rebe’s success.

P.S. Oh yeah, I heard about your first week sales. The record industry released a remix. It’ll be featured on the second tier of next week's Billboard 200. The lyrics go: “F*ck you, too. Signed Sincerely.”

P.S.S. Actually, Rebe’s done more than you. I just checked Wiki.

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 9 Comments

12:44 PM


Boiled, Fried, & Steamed

 



I had a feeling the upper echelon of "Black leaders" (generally self-appointed) would not be impressed by Barack Obama's speech last week. Heaven forbid someone not speak solely through the prism of race. By their standards I would probably be ushered out of the Black community for saying this, but I'm glad that despite taking place on the 45th anniversary of the "I Have A Dream" speech, Obama didn't spend half an hour talking about Dr. King. Instead of going on and on...and on about the dream, Obama opted to step out of a time warp and not kill his chances at becoming President -- thus putting him on pace to achieve part of what Dr. King hoped for.

I don't know why so many in their positions continue to act as if we elected them to be President, Senator, and Congressman of Black people, but someone ought to donate a clue. For all the legitmate reasons to criticize Obama, they choose to rant about him not speaking on their terms. This is exactly why no one outside of their circle listens to them anymore.

If Obama ran a campaign to their standards, he wouldn't be in a position to possibly plan an inaugural ball. No, he would be at Kim's Beauty Supply shopping for a Duke Kit so he could audition for his role as the new Jesse Jackson at Hillary's inauguration.

Maybe I'm just a little tired of the Black bourgeoisie driving the wheel and leading us to a dead end, but this video serves an another example of why there is such a huge discontent generationally. People my age don't really relate to this way of thinking, which is why so many are open to Obama. I understand the idea of having to know where you've been to know where you're going, but in order to move forward, you have to be forward thinking.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 7 Comments

11:18 AM


Fool of the Day

 



Dry Eyes on Barack Obama's chances this November: "I think if I may say so, there's just too many people not going to vote for a Black candidate -- especially a Black angry candidate."

I love that he follows up that statement with, "I hate to say that because I abhor racism." Ye ain't got to lie to kick it, Ben Stein. You're on the channel where Black people are often treated as the station's arch nemesis, so there's no need to couple a lie with an even bigger one. Especially when the premise of the question you're answering is already loaded.

Barack Obama is about as angry as a Sade record. If the poster child for mild mannerness is considered angry, I can only imagine what I would be considered if I decided to become Senator Sinick.

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 2 Comments