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Friday, October 31, 2008
4:42 PM


Where's My Muzzle?

 


As we sit on the cusp of history, instead of being able to revel in the moment and bask in knowing that on Tuesday this country may elect its first Black president, someone just had to go and remind us that there are some simple ass folks out there that need the black beaten off of them because they’re dragging the race down.

OK, so maybe it’s not that bad – but it’s close enough. Although I finally realized that he may actually have more brain activity than a stroke victim, I take back any comments that suggest that a barking dog doesn’t make more sense than Soulja Boy at any given ruff.

Clearly never learning anything beyond MySpace and Casio, here’s what the education-deficient sometime rapper, all the time dumb ass had to say when posed with a history question:

Then came Soulja Boy Tell Em. I asked him, “What historical figure do you most
hate?” He was stumped. I said, "Others have said Hitler, bin Laden, the slave
masters..." He said, "Oh wait! Hold up! Shout out to the slave masters! Without
them we'd still be in Africa."

My jaw, at this point, was on the ground.
"We wouldn't be here," he continued, having no idea how far in it he'd stepped,
"to get this ice and tattoos."

I know, I know. Me, too.

Damn those history books for not having a catchy hook and Kanye West for not creating a dance for “Diamonds from “Sierra Leone.”

It’s not enough that he talks like slavery ended a week ago and is bound to create a dance that requires only one foot; he had to go and shout out slavery. Who’s his father? Uncle Ruckus?

In some respects, I'm not sure why anyone would even ask Soulja Boy a question like that. You have to stick to questions he can understand. Like, "How many fingers is platinum?" or "What's your least favorite STD?" Maybe even something like "Do you eat cabbage?"

Anything besides something that would require actual thinking.

Even still, I can't believe that fool shouted out massa.

I know today is Halloween, but to me, there is nothing scarier than an a dense Black celebrity with the intellect of a long-time crack addict being allowed to speak to the media.

Let this ignorant, sophomoric embarrassment serve as a reminder of the importance of education…and swallowing.

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 1 Comments

Thursday, October 30, 2008
10:18 AM


I'll Pass

 



I heard this song for the first time yesterday. I see much hasn't changed. He's still loud, and he still 'rhymes' like his tongue is trying to break free from his mouth. I don't knock his hustle (just his grammar), but what the hell is this? It looks like they're making fun of retarded kids. After I finally heard the single yesterday, I remembered I had planned on posting about this and then my computer up and committed suicide. I take it that was a sign. Maybe I'm getting old but I refuse to do any dance that suggests I just made an escape from the set of Chicken Little or the main fryer at Popeyes.

Speaking of Chicken:



I wouldn't want Ahmad waving a wing and a vanilla flavored Black-n-Mild in my face at Chevron, so I won't be doing the Arab money dance either. That dance looks like an invitation to get your ass shot. And for those Arabs playing along, they'll get it, too.

Oh yeah, permission for East Coast snobs to ridicule the south for its 'stupid dances' revoked.



Although I think many people from every region would look at the stanky leg and feel the urge to sit down. This dance is actually kinda old but will you catch me doing it? Aye...aye....aye...hell nawl. I'm still very much too lanky for it. (I thought about it, though.)

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 1 Comments

8:30 AM


Obamercial

 

Two seconds into Barack Obama’s infomercial I was bored out of my mind. Five minutes later I came to one conclusion: I can’t wait until this is over. Don’t get me wrong, it was well produced, but it reminds me of why I initially looked to him as the Mariah Carey of politics. That’s my mistake, though. He’s definitely not Mimi. All the overkill makes him more like Beyonce.

I LOVE politics, but this entire election has been draining. I cannot wait until the final ballot is cast and the results pour in. Frankly I’m tired of all of them. John McCain started getting on my nerves years ago when he started to take the place of Bush’s favorite horse, so his time has been up.

It didn’t take long for me to become equally annoyed by Sarah Palin and her 90 kids. That woman and her you betchas, doggone its, and overall bullshit are annoying. I have a feeling she’ll be back before you know it, so I want to enjoy my break from her while I can.

And last but not least, I’m tired of looking at Barack Obama, too. I never want to see his rhythm-deficient self try to dance again. It’s embarrassing to us lanky and slim (yet sessy) folks who can get it. Yes, he has delivered some incredible speeches, though I know I’m not alone in growing tired of hearing the same old talking points.

I’m tired of all four of them pretending to be regular people. I’m tired of all of their ads. I’m especially tired of getting emails every hour on the hour from the Obama people. It’s the political equivalent of a begging ass crackhead at the corner store.

Did anyone else watch this infomercial? Most of you probably didn’t have a choice. I don’t know about ya’ll, but it had nothing on the Proactiv infomercials if you ask me. I know the whole point of it was to convince nitwits that he’s not this big scary colored Muslim man that’s going to destroy America in the name of Allah and Fidel Castro, but where was the oomph?

When they were showing regular Americans struggling, they should have booked me. They could have watched me hit up editors for work, and put in time at the gym and the club as I train to become a stripper. A vote for Bush is a vote for channeling your inner Diamond.

Having said that, I still want ya’ll to vote for him to prove that it’s better to swagger jack Barney than Satan to win an election.

P.S. I was just kidding about the dancing. He can do a two-step at the inauguration…then stop forever.

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 4 Comments

Wednesday, October 29, 2008
10:11 AM


Go Yo-Yo, Get Busy

 



I miss the days when a fan could watch a female rapper hit the stage, bend over (or not– hi, Queen Latifah), and curse like a sailor without worrying whether or not she was going to end up in jail for lying or being out of her rabbit ass mind.

I missed 95% of the BET Hip Hop Awards, but someone did catch me in time to check out the female rapper tribute during the replay on Sunday. Watching Coretta with Rage perform her one and only hit was dope, but my highlight was watching Yo-Yo. I didn’t realize just how much I loved Yo-Yo until I heard “You Can’t Play With My Yo-Yo” again.

When I wrote “The Why Chromosome,” I was feeling nostalgic and thinking about the days when hip-hop had a little bit more estrogen. And no, these male rappers spitting about designer clothes, wearing murses, and gossiping about each other online don’t count. None of them could carry Da Brat’s sac.

I think I’m just the type of person that likes balance. That and I’m tired of Foxy lying, Kim looking crazy, and Eve walking around with nothing to do. Besides, give Lil’ Mama and that Google girl that looks like MC Lyte Junior a chance. (Mike love the kids.)

In any event, enjoy the flashback and say it with me: Go Yo-Yo, go Yo-Yo, go.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 1 Comments

Tuesday, October 28, 2008
3:33 PM


I Need Love

 

I try to keep my knowledge of crooked pastors to a minimum, so I've never heard of Baltimore's own Jamal Bryant. But after a quick chat with a friend and a read over at the Baltimore Sun I've learned Pastor Jamal has baby mama drama (with members of his congregation), a highly contested divorce, and a flock of 10,000 who help him earn [at least] $350,000 a year and maintain a multi-million dollar waterfront property.

I imagine his mounting wealth can be attributed to securing the checking account numbers of church goers who now look to God as their financial planner and church as Match.com. But, c'mon nah. You mean to tell me they can't even see through this?

A sex writer and a pastor join forces to exploit lonely Black women, and no one has publicly called out the idea of an erotica writer sitting down with a pastor to talk about Biblical love? How gullible do you have to be to believe fall for this? Wait, who am I kidding. I'll see a DVD of this on MLK in no time.

Ya'll have fun with that. "How To Love A Black Man Bibilically" looks more like a summit on how to burn in hell. Different strokes (literally), though.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 2 Comments

8:41 AM


When It Hurts So Bad

 


It looks like life linked up with time and decided to beat the shit out of Lauryn Hill. I used to think Lauryn was one of the most beautiful women in the world. Now she can't even match up with the woman I saw riding a bike and drinking a 40 ounce up the street. What a pity.

If you look at Martha, yeah, she's smiling, but she's also holding her wallet with her other hand. I don't blame her.

I'm happy Maxwell crawled out of his hole to start touring and may finally put out new music. I've never been a huge fan of his (he aight), but at least he can actually sing. These days I'll take what I can get.

I'm actually more geeked about word coming out that D'Angelo has dropped the McRib and the McWeed and started training again. D'Angelo has always been one of my favorite vocalists and it's good to know maybe, just maybe, he may finally decide to come back so long as he doesn't get arrested again.

I actually gave up on the idea of Lauryn boarding the mothership and flying back to us, but I had a glimmer of hope once the other two ghosts of Christmas past decided to try a comeback. This picture just put a bullet in that wishful thinking. I don't see it happening. Ever.

I don't even care anymore. I only hope she finds peace of mind, a gift card from Ross, and Mr. Lee's pity the next time she walks into the beauty supply store. Let us pray for peace and hair grease.

On a positive note, at least Lauryn's 17 children look healthy and happy.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 3 Comments

Friday, October 24, 2008
3:35 PM


Big Love

 



Though I personally wouldn't touch her body with Uncle Ben's dick, one can't ignore the sexual swagger of Aretha Franklin. She may not be my type, but I know there plenty of people out there who like them big and thick filled with Bisquick. I ain't mad at the chubby chasers who wouldn't mind spending a week searching for her Mufusa. I ain't mad.

Plus, I like Aretha's version of "Touch My Body." It says a lot when a woman who sounds like she can barely inhale besides gravy can out sing Mariah Carey on her own song. Still, let this video play over and over again in your mind until Sunday dinner.

Now somebody make me an MP3 of this and sent it on.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 4 Comments

Thursday, October 23, 2008
10:28 AM


I Know You See It

 

It's that time again. Don't pretend I'm alone when I say:

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And if you're wondering if anything has changed since the first post like this, no, I'm still Bucky O'Hare. Eff you big teeth haters.

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 7 Comments

Wednesday, October 22, 2008
1:40 PM


If You Hadn't Noticed

 

...today is crazy day on The Cynical Ones.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 1 Comments

12:15 PM


10 With Terrence

 



Just when you think you've figured out the certain bracket of crazy to place Terrence Howard in, he ups and changes the game.

Let's play ten questions with the king of baby wipes:

1. Is that fool in a drum major's uniform?

2. Why does he sound like Oscar the Grouch?

3. What song is that supposed to be again?

4. What is wrong with him?

5. Does he have nothing better to do?

6. Who invited him?

7. Was Don Cheadle busy?

8. Is this going to be in your head all day, too?

9. Am I the only one concerned the he walks the streets freely?

10. Can we trade him for Ed Norton?

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 9 Comments

11:47 AM


Hocus Pocus

 

I realize this is a touchy subject for many, but I can't just ignore these idiots on both sides who pretend to have God's cell number.

This time, there's a pray-off going on. On one side - God's side, apparently - are the evangelicals who represent John McCain. The other side - that probably only exists in the mind's of the other side - are the seedy, diabolical, and dark (in color and outlook) witches for Obama.

They write (and preface with "THIS IS VERY SERIOUS"):
IF YOU KNOW HOW TO DO SPIRITUAL WARFARE, PLEASE PRAY TODAY AND CONTINUALLY THAT ALL SUCH CURSES BE BROKEN AND SATAN'S PLAN FOR AMERICA BE DEFEATED, IN JESUS' NAME. PRAY AND COVER MCCAIN AND PALIN WITH THE BLOOD OF CHRIST. IF YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO SPIRITUAL WARFARE, IT IS TIME YOU LEARN!!!
Claiming:
She said the witches, warlocks and those involved in satanism and the occult get up daily at 3 a.m. to release curses against McCain and Palin so B. Hussein Obama is elected.
And:
They say "he is the chosen one". She said Obama's grandmother sacrificed a black and a white chicken to the "goddess of the river" so both whites and blacks will vote for Obama. All Islam loves and worships Obama. The world is mesmerized by him. Oprah's 200 million followers are out to elect Obama.
Do you think they baked or fried that chicken after they were done?

Oh yeah:
The occultists are "weaving lazy 8's around McCain's mind to make him look confused and like an idiot". Bree K. said we need to break these curses off of him that are being sent from Kenya.
I don't even know why they're worried. According to Sarah Palin, "God will do the right thing on November 4th."

By God she means those crooked people the McCain/Palin campaign hired to disenfranchise voters in swing states. How can anyone not look at this woman and think of a pretty crash dummy?

There are dead people with more brain cells than Sarah Palin. I really can't stand that dumb ass woman or people who think just like her. I'm sure that God loves everyone - including all of his genetic failures like these simple ass people - but I don't have to.

I'm not going to pray for it (that is stupid), but I wouldn't be mad if Jesus dropped one of his sandals on Sarah Palin's head.

Labels: ,


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 0 Comments

11:06 AM


Don't Mess With The Radio

 

The next time I leave without my CDs, I think I might opt to drive in silence.

After I finished voting (It's the Barr Baby Obama '08!), I decided I wanted some fried chicken. If you're wondering whether or not I felt bad about following up a vote for a Black man for president with eating fried chicken at 9:30 in the morning, I did not. Besides it was Chick-fil-A and the chicken was on a multi-grain bagel. That shit doesn't count.

I did dance around while eating it, though.

Anyway, on the way there I heard what I thought was some corny rap song. It turns out it's actually a commercial for some place called Antoine Dental. I should have known after they shouted out Medicaid. I guess if your smile ain't bright but your insurance is light, there are people there looking out for you. I can get over Antonie for the Boosie inspired commercial, but I can't cut for what I heard next.

While waiting for the rude ass girl to take my order in the drive-thru, I heard some woman talk about her dense sister. She said her sister doesn't plan to vote because she heard Barack Obama was a radical Muslim that Osama bin Laden sent to run for President to destroy America. She heard this on YouTube.

Why are people like that free to roam the streets? I didn't think about it at the time, but I wish I had called in and said I was sent by Planned Parenthood to tell her sister that she needed to be spayed. If that sounds too harsh, shouldn't people like her be sentenced to a place where literary or reference materials - let's call them books for argument's sake - are kept for use but not for sale? That way you can like learn things and I don't know, come to the realization that any clown can make up some bullshit on YouTube for a sucker to believe?

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 1 Comments

9:51 AM


What A Gentleman

 



"A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally." --- Oscar Wilde
"A misogynist is a woman-hating asshole who acts as if his mother breast fed him sour milk, and has decided to take it out on every woman for the rest of his life." --- Michael

I was reading a couple of the response to this video on a couple of sites and most were limited to a bunch of comments like "Fuck that bitch," "Freeky is that n-gga," "Move on to the next bitch," and "stuck up bitch."

But, there were a few who seemed to object. Like cbarne22 on Youtube who wrote: "thats not kool! u cant treat bitches like dat!" Hmm...word?

After watching that drunk, I read that Larry Johnson allegedly told a woman he was going to kill her boyfriend and then proceeded to spit in her face at a club. This is the fourth time in five years he's been accused of assaulting a woman. In a perfect world he'd be in jail already being forced into doing the "Singles Ladies" choreography by his incarecrated yet feminist cellmate.

I can only imagine what it's like being a woman sometimes. FYI, female readers, if some man disrespects you to that degree, I wouldn't be mad if I read one of ya'll decided to slice dude's balls off fling them with a slingshot.

And no, I'm not sucking up.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 4 Comments

Tuesday, October 21, 2008
12:00 AM


Don't Blame Him

 



I can’t stand women like her. In her warped sense of reality her interpretation of Christianity affords her the right to be discriminatory towards people different from her. She wouldn’t know Jesus if he bitch slapped her with a ham sandwich. Normally, I try to ignore people like this, but since some of these yokels actually vote, you can’t ignore them altogether (at least until we get the results).

Until Sunday, I hadn’t heard any major political figure respond to the question of whether or not Barack Obama was a Muslim with, “So what if he was?” Thankfully, Colin Powell said what I was hoping one of the presidential candidates would say: There’s nothing wrong with being a Muslim.

When I grew up, I was usually considered the oddball around Black folk just for being raised Catholic amid a sea of Baptists. I can only imagine what it’s like being a Muslim – especially now when the terms Muslim and terrorist have become interchangeable.

One of my favorite people from Howard is Muslim. She is one of the kindest, funniest, most sincere people I have ever met. Just yesterday I was talking about this video and she joked with me about how she’s seen and heard everything – including some people secretly tricking her into going to a revival.

As long as I’ve known my friend not once has she imposed her religious beliefs on me. Not once has she ever referred to me as an infidel. Not once have I ever asked her something idiotic (I don’t think).

But to this woman, all of my friend’s good qualities would be negated by her belief in Islam. Same for Obama’s mother being agnostic. Last time I checked no agnostics started a holy war. If I knew where this woman lived I would show up at her doorstep dressed like Malcolm X. Or Bishop Don Juan.

I think at the core, both Islam and Christianity are religions of peace, good will, and all of that stuff that would make Barney, Big Bird, and Mother Winslow smile. Too bad backwards, bucktooth (takes one to know one), big mouth jackasses bastardize both faiths and bring shame to both faith’s followers.

One could ask this woman if she’s so gung ho about following her faith to the letter, why would she be supporting John McCain? Where the McCain campaign labels Barack’s “redistribution of wealth” comments as socialism Christ would call fair play; last time I checked, aiding the poor was his thing.

Then there’s the war, which probably isn’t going over too well right now up there. You could also point to John McCain and Sarah Palin running a racially divisive campaign that attempts overcome their shortfalls by playing on the prejudices of dimwits like her.

But no, that would all make too much sense, and would require her to actually think about Christ and then come to the realization of how unchristian she truly is.

Jesus be her recurring nightmare of an Obama administration.



P.S. While I have you, if there are any Muslims reading can one of you explain to me what’s with Muslims for McCain? That’s like Klansman for Jesse Jackson.

Labels: ,


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 4 Comments

Monday, October 20, 2008
9:04 AM


That's Racist

 


White people: some of your folk take us for fools. You mean to tell me taking Obama’s face, a bucket of chicken, watermelon, Kool-Aid and ribs and slapping them on a food stamp has no racist implications? Maybe that type of failed logic goes over well with the cousin-fucking crowd, but not everyone is that dense.



I was hoping with this election more people would be forthright about their racism. That what we can get a little dialogue going; we can’t really move forward if people don’t come clean about their prejudices and stereotyping. But the bulk of these bigots seem to bitch up when given the golden opportunity to share their views in front of an audience.

So to lead by example:

1. Have you ever eaten Chinese food and felt like barking afterwards? I have sometimes, particularly after eating General Tso’s Mystery Meat from this Chinese take-out place in D.C. Then a friend took me to a place called Olive and Sesame in B-More. The best sesame chicken I’ve ever had and I’m confident it came from an actual bird. I felt really bad about my ignorance thereafter. Then again, was I wrong for realizing the “chicken” from the other place tasted like like Laffy Taffy?

2. When I’m driving and I’m cut-off and almost turned into a crash dummy, I instinctively assume it’s a Mexican behind the wheel. I would try to maintain political correctness and say I’m usually wrong, but that would be lying and lying is wrong. Sorry, my brown brethren, but you know some of your folk can’t drive. Then again, I've only parallel parked once and when I first started driving I scared some of my friends. I believe some of them are still afraid. They're just punks, though.

3. I’m not normally afraid of Arabs, but there was this one time I considered calling the snitch line after watching someone on the bus in D.C. In my defense, I had just seen a special that spotlighted Arabs who cut their hair to try and look Hispanic in order to fool their way into the country and blow it up. I was a little paranoid for a minute. Anyway, I thought this guy was Hispanic until I saw his some of what he was writing. It looked like he was taking notes. He caught me watching, and proceeded to stare me down as if he were about to declare a personal jihad against me. Maybe he thought I was going to rob him. That would normally warrant the side-eye, but hell, two Black men jacked me at gun point, too. Go figure!

4. I don’t think white people are inherently nasty the way others do, but when Bristol Palin licked her hand and rubbed it on her little brother’s head at the Republican convention, that wasn’t helping discount that theory. Neither does sitting on the ground in a public street having a picnic. I’m referring to notoriously clean streets of New York where rats the size of Serena’s ass skip around the street in broad daylight. I can’t tell you how many times I saw that. Eww, vanilla. Eww.

On the other hand, fast-food restaurants in predominately white areas tend to be way cleaner than the ones 'round my way. Don't be mad. It's true.

5. Sometimes I just hate Black people.

You see? Was that so hard?

We all dabble in stereotypes, and some of them are spot on but most of them are dead wrong. I can admit I'm sometimes ignorant and I can do better, why can't these folks admit they're racist as hell? That's the only way any of us can use those food stamps to buy them a clue.

Your turn.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 2 Comments

7:45 AM


Plan B

 

I met Michelle Williams a couple of years ago interning at a radio station. She had the personality of a much larger person. As funny and witty as she is, though, I don't think this solo career thing is going to pan out.



While I love my sister in skinny, when you're built like Cruella Deville and you sing like Lily Pickles, chances are sales won't be too high for you. The fact that her album only sold about 14,000 its opening week only makes it all the more obvious Mabel should hit up Careerbuilder.

When her label finally decides that Beyonce's friends can only go so far with their money, what can Michelle do in the meantime?

I'm thinking she could:

1. Lead an expedition to find Kelly Rowland's backbone. That should keep her busy.

2. Pray Catwoman gets a sequel. Then hope it's a musical.

3. Become a crossing guard.

4. Host a radio show. Maybe Mabel in the Morning?

5. Take her mother, move down to Miami and share a house with a naive Midwesterner and a geriatric southern vixen.

Your turn.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 1 Comments

Thursday, October 16, 2008
1:16 AM


You Mad?

 



Watching the three presidential debates will teach you one important lessons: Assholes should take acting classes prior to appearing before the nation. Regardless of whether you slept through the first debate, flipped back-and-forth during the second and third debates, or like me watched all three of the sleep-inducing debates in their entirety, you can probably spot out the obvious: John McCain can’t stand Barack Obama.

Not only does McCain not respect Obama, he likely believes he’s beneath him. That explains why the throughout each debate millions of smartasses waited for McCain to yell, “GET OFF MY LAWN, OBAMA!” I’m sure for John it was either channeling Mr. Wilson or lift his T-Rex-like arms to take a swing to convey his displeasure.

The most interesting thing about the debates was watching how many different ugly faces McCain made in response to whatever Barack was saying at the time. There was the “you look like you smell” face, the “I’m going to need some prunes later” face, and the more constant of the three -- the “How in the hell did your ass get here?” face.

And when he wasn’t visibly grimacing Obama’s way – that is, after he finally started to acknowledge he was there in the second debate – he was being condescending as hell towards him.

As many times McCain uttered the phrase “He doesn’t understand,” one would think Barack Obama drooled when he spoke. Speaking of that, McCain obviously felt compelled to point out how “eloquent” Obama was. Essentially: “He says his words so fancy; too bad nann one of those words makes a lick of sense – tall bastard.”

Why didn’t he just flat out say, “Obama is a know-it-all who doesn’t know anything.” Then Mr. Cool, Calm, and Collective (or sedated) could have finally melted a little bit and point out what a befuddled old man McCain typically sounds like. Word to Joe the Plumber.

Granted, this last debate was the most substantive of the three, but if John McCain really hates Obama so much why didn’t he seize the opportunity to verbalize it more with him sitting there next to him?

That would have made for a much more engaging debate than watching John McCain show his ass repeatedly. You would think when Satan is besting you in favorability ratings and your poll numbers reminding people of artic temperatures one would try your best to appear more likable.

I guess not.

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 3 Comments

Monday, October 13, 2008
1:36 PM


The Island: Part 1

 

A friend of mine always talks about a plan to send trifling Black people to The Island -- some remote place far, far away where embarrassing coloreds are free to coon for a coconut out of the watchful eye of civilization.

I think it's about time we get this plan going.



We can start with him. I don't mind Black Republicans in theory. I think we should all be grateful that Black people are getting more opportunities to be just as wrong as white people.

But, there are two types of Black Republicans. One group consists of the people who actually are conservative. That group honestly believes that John McCain will make this country better. While that idea is as senile as McCain is old, their support is sincere so I guess they can stay.

Now the other set consists of the likes of James T. Harris. These people say they're conservatives, but they're opportunists first and foremost. As your stomach turns at the sight of James T. (the 'T' might stand for Trapped on McCain's nuts) Harris gaze into McCain's eyes and beg him passionately to attack Obama, remind yourself that this Negro is trying to be put on.

Harris types know that in the media, if any member of an oppressed group (be it based on ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation), appears on-air and plays the role of contrarian that they're likely to gain a lot of exposure and thus more $$$.

When he compares Obama supporters to Hitler youth on his blog, and kisses up to McCain when the cameras are on, he's motivated by self-interest.

He and others like him must go.



When did Elmo die?

Whenever I'm riding with the kinfolk that's a detention officer, he points out random kids and says, "They gon' be at my job." Normally, I say you don't know that, but looking at this video I'm thinking this lil' boy will be at his job.

If your two-year-old can recite Shawty Lo lyrics before their ABCs, you're setting that kid up for a life that includes developing a fear of dropping soap bars.

Over the weekend I spent two minutes of my life trying to figure out what the hell this was. I would compare this show to Sambo, but Sambo deserves better.

On the show's site the creator says:
"I care about the way Blacks are depicted just as much as the next man and I want to change all of that. The only difference is… I’m not trying to do that on a television show, I’m trying to do it through a television show … a show that’s smart, clever, has edgy humor and deals with relevant issues that are going on in our society. I hope you enjoy. Thank you."
I saw a stupid dude say an ultrasound photo proves the child isn't his
because the baby looked lightskinned. Another scene featured a group of people playing a game of strip seance.

BYE!



He may talk like the last slave standing, but Plies can read. Goons don't start scholarship funds, nor do they break character and enuciate in interviews. Aren't you tired of frauds like him and Officer Ross.

At this rate he'll be exploiting that porn of him banging Rent-A-Ass until he's 75. Can we at least ship his dick to the island?

I don't want to hear her talk about Jay-Z anymore. Not to mention Jesus will be back on Earth doing the Stanky Leg before she ever drops another album, so bon voyage boogie. It should be good for her; she stays fronting like she's from an island anyway.



A man who lately walks around like he's been looking like he's been hit by a smooth criminal is calling someone else out on being unoriginal. If that weren't enough, not only does he need glasses, he needs a hearing aid because all of his songs sound the same to me.

Also, bragging about having sex at 9 with a 15-year-old ain't hot; it's a felony.


Sidenote: I'm surprised he could even tell Chris Brown was musty because he always seems to be up his ass. This isn't the first time he's mentioned Chris Brown. Does he owe you a check or something?

Barack Obama's candidacy proves that this country as a whole has made incredible strides in terms of race relations. Barack Obama's candidacy also proves that the success of The Cosby Show and Mariah Carey have given many people a false sense of reality. When I hear Black people kirk out over the sentiment that racism is still around, I get annoyed. Even worse is talking to Black people who seem uncomfortable around other Black people. I bet if you put the put people like that on an island full of Black people the truth will backhand them.

Alright. That's the first list for now. More on the way. Feel free to leave your suggestions to the list in the comments.

Oh and my white friends, I got ya'll, too. I'll be creating a list of white people who need to be sent to the desert soon enough.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 8 Comments

Sunday, October 12, 2008
4:48 PM


Pray For Him

 

Many like to pretend they're not prejudice, yet whenever presented with the opportunity to show their asses, racists tend to give the world a full moon. Look no further than Dr. Arnold Conrad, a minister who delivered the invocation at a McCain rally in Iowa over the weekend.

Part of his prayer included the lines:
"I would also pray, Lord, that your reputation is involved in all that happens between now and November, because there are millions of people around this world praying to their god—whether it’s Hindu, Buddha, Allah—that his opponent wins, for a variety of reasons," said the minister delivering it. "And Lord, I pray that you will guard your own reputation, because they’re going to think that their God is bigger than you, if that happens. So I pray that you will step forward and honor your own name with all that happens between now and election day."
In other words: "Lord, these heathens and their Democrat are trying to do you. Are you going to go out like that? On November 4th, please show them who run it and let John McCain win. He approves your message -- unlike that Muslim Barack HUSSEIN Obama.

P.S. Did I tell you that Barack is Black, too?"

Do you know what this reminds me of? Those people who claim to be so holy but only use religion to belittle, berate, and bitch out people.

Have you ever been at a family gathering and some old fool pisses the whole room off by using Jesus to talk slick during the blessing?

Something like:
"Bless us Oh Lord and these gifts which we are about to receive. We want to thank you for bringing us all together. We especially thank you for allowing Kevin to be with us. Bless the store owner who didn't press charges because we all know Kevin only has one strike left. We also want to thank you for your continued blessings. We are so grateful Lord. Bless those who are generous, and forgive those who take advantage of such generousity -- like Ronda who can walk in here with a new purse yet she can't pay me back that $50 she owes me. It's OK, Lord. I know my blessing will come. We also pray that you keep this family together despite the inner turmoil that outsiders, namely new wives and their uncouthed children have brought us. Spare the rod, spoil the child is all I'm saying, God. And dear Lord, let us learn from our mistakes and the condoms that break..."
...and on and on they'll go until someone sucks their teeth loud enough to signal a fight might ensue if the yams get cold.

Same slick talk, different prayer.

The McCain campaign must take those not rolling with Joe Six Pack for suckers. While McCain did acknowledge that Obama was not an American hating Islamic jihadist when one of his supporters called him an Arab on camera, his campaign, and in particular Sarah Palin, have been purposely preying upon the stupidity and intolerance of the bigot voting bloc for weeks now.

They enjoy the likes of Reverend Conrad. After you finish reading this post, I ask that each of you pray that God drops some tolerance into his skull. Or at the very least, can you pray someone tells Rev. Arnie that "Hindu" is not a God. That way, if he's going to bash someone else's beliefs, he'll at least know what he's talking about.

You can drop that clown an early hint at: aconrad105@mchsi.com.

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The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 2 Comments

Wednesday, October 08, 2008
2:35 PM


"Bust" Your Windows

 



I never intend to be disappointed on purpose. It may happen more than I would like, but I never want to be disappointed and I particularly hate it when I'm disappointed with someone I throw a lot of support behind. Now, I understand that we are in a recession, but a value menu budget should never stifle combo levels of creativity.

If your video is called "Bust Your Windows" shouldn't you actually bust someone's videos? Standing around trying to look sexy and wasting alcohol doesn't really scream, "Take that, punk ass." If someone did that to me I could easily go back and say, "Bitch so what? The liquor store ain't closed yet."

I really love this song, but this video almost ruins it for me. For once, I'm actually grateful music channels no longer play music videos.

I could have shot a better video with my Sony digital camera and a brick, and I bet it my treatment would make a hell of a lot more sense than hers. Before I continue on with my tangent, can I just point out that the 80s inspired black background in the video had me thinking that Vanity was about to pop out at a second.

This is a really really bad video. I almost want to bust her windows for this bullshit. I truly don't get the point of it. She might as well have taken his car to the car wash.

The only comfort that I found in this video is a new fun fact: Jazmine Sullivan looks just like Snuffalufagus.


Since you didn't see nann window busted in Snuffy Sullivan's video, at least tell me you see the resemblance.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 7 Comments

9:29 AM


I Need Answers

 

1. Is it OK to let go?

2. Ever?


3. Based on the feet, is Rihanna related to Sasquatch?

4. What’s the first thing that comes to mind with this picture?



5. Should Common change his name to Chameleon?

6. What’s going to turn out better: Her driving record or Human’s sales?

7. Where's your bailout?

8. Is this the dumbest question you’ve ever been asked?

9. Or is this one?

10. With a nose job and butt injections, why didn’t Kim Kardashian seek a rhythm transplant before she signed on for Dancing with the Stars?

Bonus: What exactly is she a star of?

11. Am I the only person who never wants to hear the word maverick again?

12. She can’t sell records let alone sing, she’s not smart, and she’s built like Sgt. Slaughter, so why is Brooke Hogan relevant?

Bonus: Same goes for The Hills.

13. Has Sarah Palin given you a newfound appreciation for the intellect of George W. Bush?

14. Would Usher rather trade places with him?

15. Why do I get the feeling Jennifer Hudson smells like okra?

16. Who else hates public displays of affection?

17. Which one is more extra: Tyra Banks or Kimora Lee Simmons?


18. Is it just a coincidence that many of the anti-Obama people are illiterate?

19. Name the three textures of hair found in this picture.

20. Has O.J. finally gotten what he deserves?

21. Can you name five shows not reality-tv related worth watching?

22. After listening to Beyonce's "If I Were A Boy," would you be surprised if you heard Miley Cyrus on the remix?

Bonus: Doesn't "Singles Ladies" sound like it would be Elle Mae Clampett's shit?

Disclaimer: Don't sue me.

23. In the third presidential debate will John McCain finally tell "that one" to get off his lawn?

24. Who else gets nauseous watching Dawn and Que flaunt their awkward love on Making The Band?

25. Will you spread The Cynical Ones link around again? (Hint: The answer should be, Yes We Can."

Edit: I had to add this:



What the hell is he talking about?

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The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 6 Comments

Monday, October 06, 2008
12:01 AM


PSA: Register Or Else

 


I don’t know if I can be more persuasive than these two, but I’m going to try my best.

For many states, today marks the last day of voter registration. That means if you don’t register to vote by the end of the day, if John McCain wins I’m going to want to personally fuck you up. In case you’ve been living under the largest rock on Earth, the last eight years have been a bunch of bullshit.

An illegal war was launched under false pretenses; America now has Mike Tyson’s credit score; the government has enough spying power now to sniff your draws; it’s likely that a multi-vitamin, vapor rub, and prayer will become the national health care plan; American customer service is now an Indian pastime and not to be outdone everything is officially made in China.

Or, to be precise: we’re fucked.

But that bores you, right? I mean, politics. It’s totally uninteresting. Issues, policies, and the news: yawn. I get it.

Still, your punk ass needs to register to vote. If you don’t believe in voting or you don’t think it matters who the president is, you make about as much sense as Jamie Foxx’s hairline. The two-party system is certainly broken, but if you don’t take any action, then who are you to espouse such flawed logic let alone complain?

If people actually annoyed their local politicians enough, legitimate change would probably occur around you. OK, before I go on a tangent, as for the top of the ticket, have you not heard of George W. Bush? Is that not enough proof that letting someone with the insight of a gerbil makes the difference between good times and bad? I don’t recall the phrase “worst economic crisis since the Great Depression” being used back in the 90s, do you?

To that end, can we drop the trite “Does it really matter?” debate and get you registered already? And yes, jury duty would suck and I know that’s why many people don’t sign up to vote. But, look at it this way: Would you rather find a way out of a jury pool or going to Tehran? Tehran is in Iran and if one of the candidates gleefully sings “Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Iran” what do you think will happen should he be elected?

Yeah, there’s no draft now, but history often goes through cycles. Don’t think marriage, age, gender, or sexual orientation will matter either. This country is desperate for troops so you’re bowlegged bisexual 58-year-old grandmother will be dropping bombs and ducking fire under a McCain administration.


I would say I don’t care who you vote for as long as you vote but that would be a lie. I want you to register to vote and vote for Barack Obama. If you vote for McCain I can’t say that I would be mad if you developed arthritis shortly thereafter. Don’t do it to yourselves, or better yet, don’t do it to me.

Now go here and register.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 2 Comments

12:00 AM


Music First

 

I should have been told in school that my lofty dreams would have a much easier time being achieved if they were preceded by a music career.

Over the past few months I’ve noticed that artists can be anything they want to be as long as they rap or sing first. I think we all know they can be designers – like even genuine ones now.

But did you know they can also be animators? Ne-Yo the Negro Turtle is in talks with the Cartoon Network to develop an animated series. And last week I read that he’s trying to do a semi-autobiographical film. Who knew Go-Go’s life was interesting enough to warrant a sort-of biopic.

T.I.’s looking for the same kind of flick for himself, and with the third film of his three picture deal with Screen Gem still open, I’m sure he can get it. Then again, he may be beaten to the punch by the time he’s released. Oh well, he still plans on releasing non-fiction books, so he can always fall back on that, his film career, and his upcoming clothing line.

But if that’s not enough, he can also look to TV once he’s out, since rappers seem to be handed pilot deals left and right. Just look at Kanye, who’s been in talks with HBO to do his own series for months and word leaked a few weeks ago that he’s also talking with Comedy Central for another show. The former has been described as the “Black Curb Your Enthusiasm” while the would be Comedy Central series has been hailed as “The Black Muppets.”

Maybe Patti Labelle, Gladys Knight, Chaka Khan, and Nancy Wilson can be “The Black Golden Girls.” I bet Pharrell could produce the sitcom since he’s supposedly doing that in addition to designing jewelry, a clothing line, and hawking Microsoft (he uses a MAC, but shh, don’t snitch).

Before I get branded an even bigger hater, I’m not actually mad at any of these artists for building their brands. In fact, I think there’s a benefit to it. Take Alicia Keys, who purchased a writer’s script at the Tribeca Film Festival. With artists being so young and thus typically more opened minded, they can provide opportunities to individuals who would otherwise be ignored by more xenophobic executives.

And Will Smith and Queen Latifah are two other examples of the possibilities. Enough said.

I guess my point would be that while this is a good thing for them, sometimes I worry about the other Black actors, writers, designers, directors, and other varied creative types who are not music artists. People train to do what’s essentially being given away to other people with no experience who can coast on their celebrity status.

Some of these people haven’t even proven that they can churn a profit off their name alone yet more and more it’s them being awarded opportunities versus those without a single available for ringtone.

It’s not as large a problem for whites (though I feel some of ya’ll on these Hills chicks getting over on their bland personalities) since it’s more of them. But you know, other people may feel otherwise, so let me know, is this just the rantings of a stifled artist or are my concerns legitimate?

I plan on dropping an album either way.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 1 Comments

Sunday, October 05, 2008
8:52 PM


Can't We Do Better? You Betcha!

 


Am I the only one who watched last Thursday’s vice presidential debate and wondered what the hell was wrong with this woman’s eye? Does she have cataracts? Is it glaucoma? Is she cockeyed? Tell me something, anything besides her wandering eye being evidence that she’s not as transparent as I find her to be.

She didn’t answer many of the questions that were given to her, opting instead to recite talking points she had drilled into her head prior to the debate. During the debate I actually started to feel bad for her. That is, until I saw the post-debate analysis where the talking heads talked about how “great” she was.

If last week’s debate were held inside of Speech Communication 101, the governor would have likely gotten a D for this assignment. She was lauded for her “folksy speak.” Yeah, fuck folksy speak. Enunciation is not an act of terror.

For decades now the Republicans have ran this anti-intellectual campaign that brainwashes gullible and uninformed Americans into believing that being able to read and pronounce words correctly makes you a snooty uptight elitist that should be deported to Europe with the other fancy literates. Instead, speaking to us like we’re children and torturing the English language like it’s at Guantanamo proves you’re regular and thus more qualified.

All I kept hearing was how well she resonated with “Joe six-pack.” Who the hell is “Joe six-pack” and why do they have so much juice in American politics? Can someone explain to him, “the hockey moms,” Jose quesadilla and Lakeisha 2-piece with a strawberry soda and extra grape jelly the severity of the economic crisis?

Some of my American peers seem to suffer from self-centeredness. I understand the importance of coming across as relatable, but do you really have to feel like you can have a beer with your President? Why can’t you just drink a beer during the State of the Union instead? Must your leader be that much like you?

The job titles are President and Vice President of the United States. Why would you want a “regular person” holding a position that requires exceptional abilities? Haven’t we learned from the last eight years that intelligence-deficient people should not be allowed anywhere near the White House?

When a win for you is not drooling on the podium or running away in tears, you are the winner of lowered expectations; that makes us all look bad. The only debate this woman is capable of excelling in is one with Bulwinkle since she’s been known to shoot at his relatives from a plane.

I haven’t seen a person so content with their ignorance, since…since…since…our current President. She is George W. Bush in stilettos, and with our luck should John McCain win it would be just our luck that we’re stuck with her as President. That ought to scare people.

People need to finally realize that when it comes to leadership stupid is as stupid does. Doggone it.

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The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 5 Comments

8:52 PM


Caught Up

 



Though it’s always nice to see or hear Teedra Moses, I feel like I still had my baby teeth when Complex Simplicity was released. Is she ever going to release another full length album or will I have to hold on to her debut for the rest of my life?

I would be more inclined to go further with that, but they say good things come to those who wait, blah blah blah and so on. Actually, I’m not going to pop anything else because I love the song she’s performing so much and the one chance I did get to see her perform live she didn’t touch this (or many others, but I digress).

I tend to find a way to personalize a lot of the songs I listen to and “Caught Up” is no different. Without giving myself or any of you a cavity by going any further, let me just say the theme of the song is one I can relate to.

I adore Teedra Moses for her the soothing cadence to her voice, the honesty of her lyrics, and her dope personality. You can learn a lot about a performer by their interviews and the way they carry themselves on stage. She’s a cool ass chick, and if you can’t get into her music (we all have problems), at least acknowledge she’s cool as hell.

How I love thee; how I long for thee to hurry up with the release of her second album.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 1 Comments

Friday, October 03, 2008
6:39 PM


Negro No

 


My people are an extra bunch. Sometimes that extra is necessary, other times doing the most doesn't really work out so well for us. In case you're unsure of which direction I'm going with this man's head, it's the latter.

Now I understand how excited so many of us Black, white, Pussycat Doll orange, and Michael Jackson pale all are, but do you really want one side of your head looking like a walking portrait and the other resembling the side of an ice cream truck?

Someone I know swears I'm an Obama zealot, but I tell you one thing: I'm not walking around looking like my left ass cheek reads, "I'm Barack Obama and I approve this message."

If I stuck a snow cone cup under the right side of his head I'm sure none would be the wiser.

Stop that, ya'll. Then again, it is his head, and he has a right to do whatever he wants to it. I think a T-shirt or a button drives the message good enough, though.

I hope his boss isn't a McCain supporter.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 4 Comments

Wednesday, October 01, 2008
8:01 AM


College Is Gay

 

If you’re shocked at Soulja Boy sounding literate, you’re not alone. If you’re thrown for a loop but surprisingly impressed that he watched the presidential debate, call me Mr. Me Too. Yet before anyone else develops a complete newfound appreciation of Soulja Boy, pay attention to the video as he utters the phrase that won’t die in relation to something you would least expect.



Are we at the point now where college is considered gay? If so, time to add it to the growing list of homosessualities.

Things That Make You Ghey

1. Reading.
2. Writing complete sentences with words spelled correctly (dat shit iz crazy).
3. Using too many big words, like sarcastic (the synonym is bitch ass nigga) or any word that doesn’t go with “nigga” (What word doesn’t though?)
4. Wearing clothes that fit. (You too good to let your ass hang out?)
5. Listening to R&B. Or pop. Or country. Or rock. Or electronica (Note: tha fuc is that neway?).
6. Watching gay ass movies with white people (unless it’s Al Pacino or Steven Segal).
7. Emotions.
8. Not taking the Ike Turner approach to female relationships.
9. Not adding “no homo” to every phrase.

And as we’ve just learned, college.

In case you were wondering this hasn’t changed things that don’t make you gay.

1. Taking fashion cues from prison culture and copying a style that's essentially an inmate's version of come hither.
2. Hating women to the point where one has to wonder if your mother should have breastfeed you with your father’s dick.
3. Constantly telling another man to suck your dick.


4. Pictures like these.

It’s a shame a kid with the maturity level of a newborn makes an important decision to seek higher education to evolve and has to defend his choice as something that doesn’t suggests he’s gay -- as if there is any correlation between education and homosexuality.

Meanwhile I hear stories about all of the juvies a few years or crimes away from going to county worshipping the likes of Lil’ Wayne, Rick Ross, and Plies. Wayne studied psychology at the University of Houston, Office Ross spent sometime in school before becoming a CO, and Plies recently started a scholarship fund. Since none of them mention this often in their media kids, it’s no wonder they’re idolized for other characteristics (that are mainly figments of their imagination) as these kids struggle to write coherent sentences.

When I was growing up, when a bunch of dumb asses had something negative to say about those that wanted to get out the hood by taking the legal route of education, it was likened to being white. Now you’re being gay. Look how far we’ve come.

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The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 4 Comments