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Tuesday, June 30, 2009
11:36 AM


Me on BET on CP Time

 

Forgive my lateness. To be honest, I planned on not doing commentary on the BET Awards this year.

I was actually at the venue working for the site, so I thought that would be enough. Then again, ya'll me know and needless to say, whenever I write for corporate entities the muzzle is placed on. I need this space to release. I just wasn't sure I wanted to bother releasing anything in this instance.

However, I've gotten IMs, emails, and Tweets like "Where's MUH POST, NEGRO?!" so I guess it was to be expected of me to rant on it. That makes me feel all special and shit. Thanks ya'll.

Alright, let me warn you now that I'm going to do my best to be as honest as possible. Yet at the same time, I honestly enjoy every little check that comes my way so this post and Google will not be infringing on that, ya dig?

Now let's hop to my thoughts on the Jamie Foxx & Ne-Yo Honor Michael Jackson Kinda Awards.

1. New Edition Cannot Sing Worth A Damn Anymore

I think it's great they took the time out of their oh so busy schedules to step in and pay homage to the Jackson 5, but Jesus be a throat lozenge for Ralph Tresvant. Why didn't they let Ricky or Johnny sing lead? God knows Ralph and Bobby can't do really hold it down the way they used to anymore.

And no disrespect to the Kang of R&B, because ya'll know I love him but he sure is big now, isn't he? I guess that coke diet is better than Master Cleanse. Homie looks like he ate his entire past before he stepped on stage.

2. You Don't Need 50 Men Around You All The Time

Why is it so hard to get these rappers and athletes to walk solo? No one is going to shoot you en route to the podium.

3. That's Elvis, Baby, Not Michael

Bless Keri Hilson's heart. She is trying so hard to be great. She's still not the best performer, but I would say this performance was a step up to previous ones I've seen. However, minus the pair of Michael Jackson's old shoes and socks she bought from Papa Joe in the parking lot, her performance looked more like influenced by Jail House Rock than Mr. Beat It.

And what exactly was that the point of that impromptu acapella performance she delievered at the end? Why won't some people leave well enough alone?

If you answer to prove she can really sing, you get an equal fail. Don't do that anymore, Keri.

Sidenote: She's gorgeous. Saw her on Friday while covering the rehearsals. She was shit'n on you hoes in sweats.

4. Two Points For You

Ne-Yo the Negro. I adore "Lady In My Life" and I think Ne-Yo did an excellent rendition of it. I'm not even a huge fan of him or his vocals, but he really did well last night and I'm more inclined to check out his material now.

5. Don't Do That Anymore

Ciara. What person with questionable hearing keeps telling this chick it's OK for her to sing in front of anyone besides her shower head?

6. Did Ya'll Know

That Jamie Foxx is going on tour? If not, you must have not watched a second of this show because they mentioned it every other second.

P.S. Go see Jamie Foxx on tour. That way, if someone reads this and sucks their teeth at me, I can at least say I tried to hold it down.

7. I Am Nothing Without You

Where was Soulja Boy's special friend, Arab? Soulja Boy isn't a skilled enough performer to be on stage without his man. Pause. Kidding, have ya'll seen those two together on YouTube? GO.

8. LeToya Luckett Is

...the cutest thing. I adore her. I need to meet her and take a picture. If you're wondering, yes I want us to both throw up the Clarke in the shot. I love this girl's personality. Someone give her a show. Now.

9. Mrs. Eh.

Beyonce sounded lovely, but I can't say I would be mad if I never saw the performance again. It doesn't help that I've seen it already from YouTube minus the hooker wedding dress she was wearing. Like I said, vocally she did well, but I don't care for these sorts of songs from her. They're devoid of any real emotion despite the attempts at passionate delivery. I believe she's better at masking that quality when performing something uptempo or at least with a bit more oomph.

And don't even ask me what the hell was that she was wearing. Consider it the only thing close to a wedding shot you're gonna get from her.

10. I Want To See

Skank Robbers. Best part of the show to me. Don't judge me.

11. God Goes Hard

When did Jesus hook up with Swizz Beats and why didn't yall tell me about it? It's been a minute since I've stepped inside of a church, but if they have anything close to what Mary Mary is singing, I'm done for a visit. I might even chip in the collection plate so they can get Auto-Tune.

Now, one of those Mary's turned me off by comparing people like me to murderers, but I'll just tell folks I went to see the other one. ''

12. Groove Me

The tribute was nice, but I wanted to see Guy perform "Groove Me." I still dance to that song. Don't believe me? Find me in the gym.

13. Keep It Short

They went a bit overboard with the mini-reenactment of Baby Boy. Michael Jackson is guns? The BET Video Music Awards?

Michael worked very hard to fight drug abuse in the 80s, folks.

14. Team Skinny

Monica gave it to ya'll in her dominatrix get-up. I cannot wait for her to come back. I was listening to "So Gone" yesterday and if she comes back with the right material I am positive (not really, but one can hope) she can find at least some lane for herself.

And also saw her over the weekend. She is ridiculously gorgeous.

Oh yeah, Keyshia was cool, too, but despite it being her song Monica stole the show.

15. Eh-Z

Jay-Z's material over the last couple of years is like hot for a millisecond, then you forget all about it and go back to the classics. Next topic.

16. Don Cornelius

I know he's like 107 years old, but he was rambling about a bunch of nothing in a voice far weaker than his backhand would suggest.

17. So Nice To Know You're Still Alive

Tevin looked like a homeless man they picked up off the street and gave a bath to, but at least he can still sing.

Speaking of people who can still sing, Johnny Gill is a beast. He, Jody, and Baby Kellz did a nice tribute. Better than the real ones. Don't tell Eddie Levert that, though. Don't want to be cursed out.

18. Somebody's Getting Fired

You can bleep the word "butt," but I come home and turn on my TV to hear shit. Nice.

19. And The Rest

Maxwell never disappoints on stage. Not everyone can say that.

So far, keep Drake on that list of those who can't. Wheelchair Jimmy is dope on the mixtapes, but not necessarily on the stage. I've noticed this. Granted, in this instance he was bound to a stoop, but something so far seems amiss. We'll see if he gets it soon, though.

As for Weezy and co. singing about smashing every girl in the world with his seed and underage friends on stage: I wish I could call every CPS officer in the world.

20. The End

Janet was touching. The closing performance was random. To be fair to Jamie and Ne-Yo, they did perform a combined 89 times that tonight.

Lastly, I'm well aware of the flack BET has received for its tribute to Michael Jackson. I get people's concerns, but seriously, award shows take months to plan and then days before the show is to air the greatest entertainer of all time dies. It's really hard to put together anything that would appease people in that short amount of time.

No, that's not me sucking up. Shoot, I had slave seats so I have no reason to suck up. I'm just saying.

I don't think the show was very good, but not solely because of the perceived lack of effort to properly honor my namesake. If they don't get it right later this year, then I'll understand everyone's grips.

Well that's it, someone drop a lil' change in my PayPal. I didn't nab a baller that night.

P.S. Jamie Foxx is going on tour.

P.S.S. Coming Soon: Jamie Foxx

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 16 Comments

Thursday, June 25, 2009
3:46 PM


Gay Be Gone

 



I could sit here and write a lengthy diatribe about this, but I'm not really up for it. Reason being if you feel a certain type of way about gay people in lieu of your religious beliefs (or convenient interpretations of said beliefs), then nothing I say will convince you that this video has got to be one of the stupidest things I've ever watched in my entire life.

I could invite those marred with strife over their tolerance of homosexuality (or engagement) conflicting with their Christian beliefs to watch documentaries like For The Bible Tells Me So, but I get the feeling such a request would fall on deaf ears. Documentaries have never been what's hot in the streets.

Or I could invite you to simply forgo what you've been told most of your life, pick up the book and read it for yourself. Then do a little research, followed up with a second, third, and fourth reading. But reading is and always has been for suckers.

As is deductive reasoning apparently.

All I'll say is that while I do get frustrated, as someone brought up in church, I don't hate religion. I think it has value and has purpose. Faith is important for everyone regardless of what dogma it stems from.

However, I do loathe with everything in me how religion is used as a crutch by idiots to excuse their stupidity. I find faith with no sense of reasoning to be dangerous. History would agree.

I feel sorry for this kid in the video. Videos like this are the reason why so many people of various lifestyles succumb to mental problems, abuse, and misery.

Prayer can do a lot of things, but remixing genetics isn't one of them.

Jesus be a damn clue.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 8 Comments

12:59 PM


Selling Sex & Fries

 


In nasty bastard news, a special shout out goes to the perverse mind who came up with this ad. As if Burger King hasn't gotten disgusting enough over the years, now when you think of meals at Burger King the phrase "semen snack" will pop into your brain.

I'm not being a prude; rather, just a person who can appreciate a clever ad when I spot one. That ain't it (c) Johnta Austin.

Like a desperate R&B singer clinging to her cooch to move units in lieu of wack material (more on that later), Burger King has opted to take the "sex sells" approach to selling food that has come to look about as appeasing as the inside of a can of Alpo. My stance on this is no different: It reads as desperate, and thus more off putting. It doesn't help the sandwich looks like a recipe for heart failure.

I used to love Burger King. Their onion rings were great, and when I ate beef, I thought the Whooper was a good alternative when one couldn't find a Wendy's or was sick of eating McDonald's. And their chicken nuggets - before they became anorexic - were good eating (as far as fast food goes). Same for their chicken whooper.

There's a Burger King around the corner from me. I don't really eat fast food as much anymore, so while Burger King has become somewhat of the Ross and Marshalls of fast food chains in terms of pricing, I do not want. If this ad was supposed to change my mind, marketing plan fail.

Maybe if they promise to give me a free kiddie crown from the old days I might be convinced to step back in time and engage them. If not, my heart will pass.

But it's not just BK jumping in on the sexy food angle to fatten us up.



Really, Quinzos? Y'know, I prefer them over Subway, but this is stupid, too. OK, let me stop sounding so self-righteous. This ad actually made me laugh a little, but I wanted to try these torpedoes anyway. If this ad runs late at night, then I suppose it's fine. But if this runs during the day time when kids are home, that's a negative.

Just last night I was tweeting about loving Kut Klose's "I Like" since I was 9-years-old. Why was I listening that at 9? Granted, I'm no superfreak, but you get what I'm saying.

I'll even give Burger King the benefit of the doubt and say if the poster were only hung in strip clubs or somewhere where not too many Happy Meal eaters could see it maybe I'm inclined to be less critical.

Ya'll let me know. Am I being a prude or am I being fair for not wanting my meals with a side of Trojan?

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 2 Comments

8:25 AM


Politicians Jig, Too, Ya'll

 



So it seems even politicians like to get their morning jigs in. Caught this video this morning and haven't been right in the head since.

First off, let me just say that I love Ms. Bobby. While she introduced Hurricane Chris to the house she straight called them out like, "Don't act like you haven't heard it." And she noted that they had cake in the back. That is some southern hospitality for you. She sounds like good people. I bet she could out booty do Soulja Boy.

As much as I love me some "Ay Bay Bay" and "Hallleeeeeeeee Berrrrrrrry," I'm not sure if it warrants a proclamation from the Louisiana State Legislature for outstanding musical accomplishments. Then again, Louisiana is the land of bounce music, so in that respect Hurricane Chris is keeping the tradition of helping people to barack that ass and make it go Obama (deep sigh) alive.

I suppose it could be worse: He could be saying I'm gonna sell you coke, give you a stroke, then poke you with a hollow point.

Please note that the older paler gentleman reading Chris' list of accomplishments before the House noted the position Chris' video on 106 & Park. Someone twitter that news to Terrence J. and Rocsi.

As for Chris, you can tell that he is eating this up. And why shouldn't he? He was called to the Lousiana State Legislature to be honored for a song he probably wrote in five minutes after catching the last hour of B*A*P*S on basic cable. I love that he tried to size up "Halle Berry (She Fine)" as a self-esteem boosting anthem for women.

In that case, are songs like "Monkey On That Dick" promoting acceptance of female sexuality?

I actually spoke with Hurricane Chris earlier this year. I helped do some of the reporting for feature on the southern dance movement for XXL. Chris is a nice dude. He didn't take himself too seriously and I didn't end the conversation feeling like I needed to send him some Dr. Suess (unlike some singers/rappers of every region). I've since made his quote, "You better respect it, check it, or get disconnected" my new life mantra.

I beg of you to please watch the entire video. This Negro performed most of "Halle Berry (She Fine)" before members of the state government. Then some member of the House asked him to make a song about someone else in the House because she's fine, too.

Between this and Michelle Obama taking her children to get bodied last night at the Beyonce concert in D.C., you can't tell me the jig movement is real. Stop sleeping.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 2 Comments

8:00 AM


My Jerry Lewis Game Is Proper

 

I know, I know: It's a recession.

When your pimp calls you to say the block ain't hot like it used to be, it's hard to break off people with a little cash. I understand and I feel you, but I'm going to ask you to help my teacher friend help the babies anyway.

Here's the prompt:

A rousing game of Jeopardy is a favorite activity among my students. Currently, the game consists of the chalkboard, chalk, reading questions from index cards, teams raising hands (with arguing about which team had their hand in the air first), and some students who are bored with the board that would rather play video games.

I am requesting an interactive Jeopardy game system, with a classroom link and a blank cartridge. Your help will make it possible to provide students with an interactive learning experience inside of the classroom where students learn things in a way that is different from what they are used to in the classroom. It is an excellent educational tool that garners even the most apprehensive learner's attention!


My donation was very recession friendly, and trust me, it's not a hustle. Ms. Smith is a teacher at Willowridge in Houston, Texas. If you want to donate, click here.

If you don't, send it to someone that does and pray teacher can meet her goal. I'm not about to go all telethon on you, but I'll say this: Ya'll saw ATL. Do you really want to hear more children sound like slaves on skates?

I rest my case.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 0 Comments

Tuesday, June 23, 2009
12:00 PM


Who Wants To Drive Down 1-95 & Blast Some Rihanna?

 


I think it's a good thing that Fist Brown's case has finally been settled and we can all move on from stewing in our respective soapboxes.

To be frank: Reading some of the user comments on various blogs made me question everyone's right to reproduce.

Take for instance yesterday where I read women saying Rihanna should've gotten community service, too. Excuse me, but I read Chris Brown beat her down, bite her ears and fingers, and told her he was going to beat her even more when they got home -- which leads me to believe that he wasn't a virgin in the ways of Ike Turner. Now, did Rihanna even pinch Chris Brown hard? Why should she work at soup kitchens when it was her who got banged up?

Oh, and then there are the people who say "Oooh, now the dirt on her is coming." What is wrong with some of ya'll out there in the world? Did your mama free base instead of breast feed? If Chris Brown really had anything to rationalize why he beat Rihanna like she bested him in a dance off, why on Earth would he cop a plea deal to a felony?

Chris Brown is now a convincted felon. How many packages of Doublemint gum do you think his newfound street cred will move? I'm not guessing as many as his own brand of soap on a rope.

You've got to be one delusional stan all caught up in his Kool-Aid grin (respect: I have one, too) to think he held back out of respect for her. If he respected her that much he wouldn't have banged up her George Foreman (thank you, Mariah). And if he really had anything on her that devastating it would've come out by now.

She might have been the aggressor in many other instance, and she may very well be out of her mind as they say. But, in the end, he beat her down in his car on a public street so if it weren't "as bad as the media (booga, booga, booga) had made it seem," then he'd be copping plea deals to misdemeanors, not felonies.

They tried that and it didn't work, so there you go. He's now playing with his tour money.

Now I've admitted to my own shallowness at times. We all suffer from it in varying degrees. However, you have to separate someone's pretty face from their actions. Especially if their actions result in you looking like a Crash Test Dummy the second they have a temper tantrum.

I'm going to pray, wish on a star, and drop pennies in the pond for some of you future frequents of the battered women's shelters across America.

All jokes aside, your temperament disturbs me and it's unfortunate patriarchy and the rampant misogyny in our culture has your mind remixed into thinking any of what Chris Brown did was acceptable.

While I don't approve of what he did and how he showed no remorse at all, I also hope Chris Brown gets the help he needs. It's for his own good anyway. If he even thinks about backhanding a girl he'll be doing the booty do from his bunk buddy in jail.

His career won't suffer too bad and as sad as that is, maybe it will dawn on him to finally speak out on what he did wrong. It's not hard to forget no one is perfect, but it's hard to embrace those who fail to acknowledge their transgressions.

And on that note, I'm done.

Image via That Bitch @ Rhymes With Snitch.

P.S. Is Chris Brown's publicist kin to Rihanna? Why is he giving his songs titles like "Smash" and "Not My Fault?" Someone close to you hates you, Chris.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 5 Comments

11:59 AM


Por Favor, Mi Amour

 

Disclaimer: That's about as much Spanish as I know. Thank you, k-12 education.

Anyhow, 'tis time for me to make my monthly request for solicitation.

If I can be blunt basically: Can you please go read my recession blog, register and leave comments?

Also, if you can provide any constructive criticism and feedback, I'd be most grateful.

Today's post is centered on women selling ass for cash on a discount. Basically: Sex isn't selling the way it used to, so is there still a point in spreading them wide eagle to the highest bidder if the pay off isn't what it used to be.

Of course, I didn't write it in those terms, but you should still check it out and more importantly, register on the site and leave a comment!

Don't you want to do that for me? No, well you should do it anyway! C'mon nah. Don't let me become a victim of the recession my damn self.

You can click to the right side of the page under the image of Rihanna struntin' to access The Recession Diaries or you can click here to read today's entry.

Please, like pretty Beyonce, Halle Berrrrrrrrry please?

Oh, and because of this thread's title I thought of one of the cheesiest songs ever.

Enjoy (well, not really):



Now go read The Recession Diaries (and my other blogs, too, while you're at it...shoot).

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 0 Comments

Monday, June 22, 2009
9:31 AM


Today In Stupid

 



There are people over in Iran risking their lives to stand up for freedom while some of us are over here wasting brain cells shouting at a comedian who made a joke in poor taste that he's since apologized for.

These misinformed minions are standing outside of David Letterman's studio to protest in an effort to get him banished from CBS. Such a scenario is about as likely as Soulja Boy becoming a Pulitzer Prize winning author, but hey, who am I to tell people to give up?

On second thought, I'd rather flat out say these people need to find a new hobby.

Why is the woman at the beginning of the video claiming Letterman made a rape joke? He did not, nor did was Willow Palin at an American basketball game. Curse the person who let her non-reading self board the bus to bitch in New York.

Then there's the old woman dressed like a bumble bee saying Letterman is too old to be hosting the late show. That's like me saying Paula Patton is too black to be getting work as an actress. Logic fail.

Even loonier are the people talking about fascism. Why in the hell are you talking about fascism on a show that features the likes of Paris Hilton and Beyonce? Same for the idiot woman trying to call David Letterman's child a bastard. If that's the case, what are you calling Bristol Palin's child -- y'know, since you're there supposedly to step up for the Palin family.

As for the fool talking about fascism and socialism rolling his neck and snapping his fingers at the black woman outside of the studio: Racist much?

"Close the borders. Save your children from David Letterman. He will rape them with his mouth."

I can't.

White readers - and I know ya'll are here - come get your people.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 3 Comments

Friday, June 19, 2009
10:11 AM


A Star Is Born

 



Praise upon more praise to Brian from Concrete Loop for bringing this wonderful person into my life via his Twitter.

Normally, there's only so much I can take from people I feel should come with a tiara and batteries (no offense, but I'm just a calmer personality is all), but how you can deny this man's greatness? He is officially my favorite person for at least 36 more hours.

If you don't know, lambs go hard. If you wanted to send someone to North Korea to tell Kim Jong-il to sit his munchkin stiletto wearing ass down and stop causing problems, tell this lamb that he said Christina Aguilera sings better than Mariah Carey. One swift hi-ya kick to the throat (not like he'd have extend his leg that high) from him is the type of unilateral negotiation we need.

Moving right along, as you can tell from the video, rlaehddnjs is a sassy one inspired by the queen of all things pre-teen. Evidently, homie doesn't know English all well, but that's OK, though. It's not like the lyrics to "Touch My Body" are all that great of a representation of the language anyway.

Still, you can't help but laugh at him repeatedly saying "ram it in my thigh" and talking about his one lonely curve. Jesus be a link to AZlyrics.com.

And check the choreography. Clearly he's been attending the Mariah Carey school of dance. What a pity considering the Korean girl that used to always get on Soul Train probably has all of the free time in the world to get dude together.

Do you want to hear more of this diva? Of course you do.

Here's another classic performance:



As you can see, dude goes all out. He stole his little sister's shirt for this. If you can't get enough of him, do check out his rendition of "We Belong Together." I swear in the clip he's wearing Barney' s vacation shirt.

Hopefully this gives you laughs and you're not looking at me like my brain cells have committed suicide. No, they haven't but reading about Ayatollah Khamenei is depressing. This makes me laugh. So laugh with me.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 5 Comments

Wednesday, June 17, 2009
4:18 AM


Pop Five

 

I can't dedicate a diatribe to all of this foolishness going on as it would kill more braincells than Cash Money's Greatest Hits, so I've decided to take "The Week In 10," divide it by two and square the sarcasm in a single post.

1. Bow Wow Treating Chris Brown's Jock as His Personal Swing


When I saw that video of Chris Brown declaring that he's not a monster, the only thing more irritating than his lack of remorse was Bow Wow chiming in with "believe that."

Never one to know when to leave well enough alone, Shad elaborated on why he's head cheerleader for Team Brown.
"Chris is my best friend, that’s my little dude. I hold him down. I think the media, when they took hold of it being that was the first time they just seen him and made a whirl wind. The business is business, [his case] don’t faze me. Friendships and best friends means more to me. So if he want me to be there for him, I’ll be there. I don’t really know Rihanna.”
Dear Bow Wow:

Tell me what that thang smell like. (c) Black Jesus

Just curious because you're treating Chris Brown's sac like it should be sold in Bed Bath & Beyond.

Thanks,

Michael

2. When Bad Hairstyles Happen To Big Heads


Rihanna is a very pretty girl, but is she one of those black chicks who don't have enough black friends around to point out when she needs a touch up or something? I'm a dude and even I know the back of her head shouldn't look that way.

I realized talking about a Black woman's hair can get you cut as evidenced by me telling one girl that her hairstyle reminded me of Michael Jackson circa the Bad era and in turn being on the receiving end of the clap back from two females. However, I'm just looking out for Rih-Rih.


Same goes for La-La. This actually looks better than Cassie's cut, but I can't believe all of these people raving about how "daring" LaLa is and how the "average chick" wouldn't do it. That's because the average chick doesn't have a multi-millionaire for a baby daddy. If every woman could try silly hairstyles from the 80s then have some weave fresh off the head of a hungry girl in a Third World country shipped over in a day just in case they look crazy I'm sure more would rock the Cassiela cut, too.

I may not know all of the intricate details about a Black woman's head, but I know bad hair. Remember I am the fool that let a Korean jack up my hairline.

3. Baby Ben Vereen Breaks Free


May 27, 2008
Uploaded by 2008co2008. - Explore more family videos.


You were saying, Usher?

I don't take any joy in this. I feel bad for their two kids. While it's good that they won't have to be raised in a house by two people who can't stand each other, they're very young so it's still quite unfortunate.

I will say this, though: Though Tameka doesn't seem as mean as people let on if you go by her tweets, she still strikes me as the type you don't want to piss off. Have fun with that divorce settlement, Ursha.

4. Sarah Palin Still Pissing People Off

David Letterman's joke was in poor taste, but Sarah Palin is a media whore who pimped out her children to push some moral agenda she nor members of her family lived by. You want privacy for your family yet your teenage daughter who just had a baby is on the cover of People magazine.

I'm tired of this moose killer and her us vs. them style of campaigning (which is what she's doing with these Letterman tirades). Isn't she supposed to be back in Alaska blowing kisses to Putin from an iceberg? Her 15 minutes have been up.

5. Nivea Starts E-Beef

Via her alter ego's MySpace:

Mood: betrayed

Wanting everyone to know that Shanell (the background slut that sings with lil wayne) is a piece of trash and not to be respected! she smiled in my face all whi –

First, no one uses MySpace like that anymore. Get on Twitter.

Two, why do you have an alter ego? That's so 2008. Make it stop.

Three, Lil' Wayne is on a song talking about his desires to fuck every girl in the world. He seems to be staying true to his word as he's on pace to knock up half the population. Why would you think he would be loyal to you?

He had a kid by some Asian baby and apparently has both Lauren London and Nivea calling up Wayne to say, "You are the father."

Yet instead of being mad at Wayne, she's pissed about a background singer possibly getting it in with an obvious womanizer.

Someone pass along this video to each of these women:



Afterwards we can start a prayer circle and ask God to give each of them a clue.

Do you see why I had to condense all of this nonsense into one post?

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 6 Comments

3:26 AM


I Don't Want To Let Auto-Tune Go

 

I know the Pop-Pop of Hip-Hop has declared the death of Auto-Tune, but in case you missed the previous post, I could care less what he thinks is over (and I'm a fan). Besides, I've already forgotten his song (Reasonable Doubt >anything post The Blueprint).

I will admit that Auto-Tune has been overused to the point of ad nauseam, but I would be lying if I said I still didn't get my morning jigs in to certain songs that use it. Yes it's a gimmick, but unless the song just completely sucks, I'm not that pressed if an artists decided to channel their inner T-Troutman.

Burn at me at the stake in the comments section if you must, but here are a couple of songs that use Auto-Tune that I still like.



Mariah Carey: "Obsessed"

OK, so this song hasn't even been out for 24 hours and I'm starting a list with it...I get it. Lamb game proper.

I understand some of you are longing for the days where Mariah sang schmaltzy ballads that highlighted her purported seven-octave range. To that I say: That's what iTunes is for. It's the perfect outlet for you and your credit card to reminisce.

Is "Obsessed" on the level of anything found on Butterfly? Maybe if you're high, it is. Otherwise, it's just it's a fun song with funny one liners. Mariah swears she's going to have big ballads on the new album and only released this because she wanted a fun record for summer. I'll take her at her word and embrace my inner peacock in the meantime.

If you're wondering where that phrase came from, well, when I was on Twitter I said this song was a cluck anthem, but Stilleto Jill worded it much better: "Release your inner peacock ( a much prettier bird)."

Thank her. Follow her.

Mary J. Blige feat. Drake: "The One"

When Mary was asked about Jay-Z's "D.O.A." she hit back with:
"I won't say that it bothers me, because people do what they have to do," she told Martinez. "I can't pass judgment. Everyone else does what they do, and everyone has their own opinion. To each his own. Do what you do, because I do what I do."
Translation: "I don't give a damn."

Nor should she. I love this song. More and more I'm feeling like I should be calling her Auntie Mary, but in her defense, she would be the cool Aunt. The one who gets drunk and tries to do the Halle Berry at Thanksgiving. Speaking of drunk, when I first heard this song I could've sworn Mary was shouting, "STOP LOOKING FOR LIKKA STO'" in the hook of the track. I've since realized she's saying, "Stop looking for...for..."

That's not as fun so sometimes I still sing the lines as I initially thought they went.

Either way I can't wait to see Mary break out her 1992 moves in the video.

Steph Jones: "Shooting Star"


I thought I was random until I read Steph Jones' tweets. Actually, I still am, but his level of randomness is leaps and bounds ahead of mine yet for some reason it's very refreshing. Anyhow, I was somewhat indifferent to him when he was with DTP, but the more I listen his music the more I take to his more ecletic style of music. This song uses Auto-Tune and I like the way he uses it so much I still would like one of you to get me a vocoder for Christmas. As you all know, I celebrate Christmas in both December and July, so gon' head and hop to it.

Young Money - "Every Girl"

Want to know how much I like this song? Catch me in the club when this song comes on. I'll rap Wayne's first word-for-word with so much energy you would actually think I was into that funny shit (i.e. the cat trap). Yeah, I don't like her, ain't worried about her, and would push her out of the way to get to her brother, but the fact that I'll sing the song like I wrote it proves how much I enjoy this song.

Then there's Kanye's last album, select tracks from Drake, and T-Pain's entire catalog.

I really do agree that someone people need to be smacked upside the head by T-Pain's big ass chain for overusing Auto-Tune, but until Chaka Khan comes out with an Auto-Tune assisted single, I'm not ready to give it up just yet.

You know what I would love to see wane off in rap? How about promoting the drug culture or rappers pretending to be in the Italian mob? Ooh, what about misogyny? Even better: How about rappers pushing 40 starting to act their age. I mean, if we're going to put a bullet in Auto-Tune let's kill off some other bullshit, too.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 5 Comments

Tuesday, June 16, 2009
1:01 PM


Whoop Rico

 



What's going on readers? I thought we were better than this. Are you all punishing me for not updating enough? In my defense, I write a lot everyday. Plus, ya'll know I'm training to get in go-go boy shape should this whole writing thing not pan out. Do you know how many trips to the gym and consultations with plastic surgeons that entails? Your man is busy!

I know some of you may be Lawry's about me not posting enough, but c'mon nah, how could you keep this dance away from me? Do you want to know how I found out about this? My LA-based roommate had to fill me in. And she got it from some other person who knows very little about southern dances. That person only knew because she saw Elmo doing it.

ELMO!

Elmo knew about this dance before I did. That ain't right, people. That ain't right.

But you know what, it's all good. I should be more engaged in this anyway. I get my morning jigs in, but I've been rocking the same old twirk to the same songs for too long. I needed to be on the hunt for new dances anyway. However, this right here isn't going to cut it.

This dance reminds me that ya'll are getting older. It's like they took a beat, screwed it, then watched the "Thriller" video then decided to put a country meets retardation spin on it. Speaking of retardation, whenever they say "Whoop Rico" in unison, I want to pretend my wrist had a seziure, put it under my chin and move it back and forth really fast.

There is something really different about ATL dances. Ya'll tend to be a bit more violent with ya'll's. I'm not sure who Rico is and why everyone wants to whoop his ass, but I'm not all that keen on learning this dance. I mean, don't get me wrong, later on today I'm going to pay closer attention to the tutorial just in case, but still, that doesn't mean I'm going to actually do it.

Not that they play anything worth dancing to in LA anyway.

In the future, though, don't hold out on me. It hurts our 'e-lationship.'

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 3 Comments

Monday, June 15, 2009
1:00 AM


That Obama

 


As I've made it clear multiple times in the past, I like ign't southern music. So much in fact that I don't think I can dance to anything else. Take this weekend for example. I was supporting my friend - a promoter - who was having this event at none of your damn business. I know what crowd he's into so I wasn't expecting to catch a case of the jigs. Sorry, techno music is not nor will it ever be my thing.

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

No. Hell no. You must be crazy. Negro, White Man, Asian, Latino, Arab, Mariah Carey please.

I can't do it. While I'm glad the event turned out well for him, I had to sneak in a midnight jig to satisfy my spirit. That led me to one of my favorite music blogs, Nola Bounce. As you know, I love bounce music. I wish more people knew about it so they can get the credit they deserve. Shoot, half of ya'll are dancing to songs that swagger jack old bounce songs anyway.

That said, I check out this to find old gems or maybe new ones. Remember how I mentioned breaking my iPod dancing to "Sex Shooter" in the bathroom? Yeah, I never recovered all of my songs. I try to get whatever I can from this site. They have classics like "Monkey On That Dick," old Juvi, etc.

Before you even go there: I know these songs are terrible. Some are all sorts of stupid and should not be supported by the likes of a college educated Black man. But yeah, I'm country as hell and bounce always does the trick. Forgive me, brother Malcolm.

Anyhow, I'm checking out the site and come across an entry entitled "That Obama Bounce." I instantly sigh as I know where this is going.

Turns out the song is called "Barack That Ass & Make It Go Obama."

They have the nerve to take a standard bounce beat, mesh it with Mary J. Blige's beat from "No More Drama" (or I should say, the theme song to The Young & The Restless) and toss in a few of the Obama campaign's slogans and make a two minute tribute to stupidity. Even I have my limits and this song has reached it.

You silly coloreds: It's people like ya'll who keep the Uncle Ruckus' of the world employed by Rupert Murdoch.

After I listened to this song I got the sudden urge to call the KKK and ask if they offer honorary memberships. Ooh, I love my people but some of ya'll make it too easy for Michael Jackson to swim in a pool of bleach. Why?!

Oh and it gets worse. Do ya'll know there is weed named after the President? That's right, I've heard people say they wanna smoke that Obama. I wanna lace their shit with Ritalin.

Come on, Black people. You can make dances out of funky legs, video games, or your favorite combo from Popeye's, but please let's not reduce the first Black president to "Barack that ass and make it Obama."

And even though Barack Obama himself has Newport mouth, that doesn't mean he wants you to name bricks after him. He wants you to read and stimulate your brain cells, not smoke a blunt and murk them.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 3 Comments

12:00 AM


When Tributes Become Diss Records

 



Have they changed the meaning of the word tribute and no one told me about it? This is Deena Jonez, an unsigned artist (shocker) being spotlighted on World Star Hip Hop. As you can see, she took a cue from Janet Jackson's classic "Nasty Boy" and flipped it into something they're calling a "tribute."

I'm not one to kill anyone's dreams, but that ain't it (c) Johnta Austin.

It's not anything close to it.

I'm sure it never will be it.

In fact, Deena should never try it again.

This video looks like it cost .75 cents. No wait, $5.25. My friend on AIM said he got that shirt one of the guys was wearing for $4.50 at Aero.

I know Janet Jackson hasn't given us much to be proud of in recent years, but no one deserves this. I'm sure Janet would rather you spit in her face or take away her peach cobbler than post a video like this on the internet and call it a tribute.

Not to mention this video makes me ask one important question: Who gave her clearance to sample the song? It's bad enough Plies was able to get Janet and her song for a remix, but now this chick gets a pass? What's going on, Damita? The family sucking your investments dry now that Michael owes nearly every person on Earth at least $7?

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 2 Comments

Tuesday, June 09, 2009
3:24 AM


Morning Jig

 


Yes, that's me dancing on the sidewalk. Don't act like you've never done it.

If you don't have health care and refuse to commit a crime, I have the next best solution to taking anti-depressant drugs. When you wake up in the morning, give yourself time to lounge around a little, meditate, maybe even channel your inner T-Boz -- do whatever morning vice(s) work for you basically. Then, turn on your computer or grab your iPod and turn on the most ignorant song you have. The second you start hearing some functioning illiterate talk about guns, ass, cash, or all of the above from your speakers or headphones, get up and dance.

If you have enough time, find another song and then repeat the step.

Yesterday, a friend of mine told me that I get more ign't by the day. That may very well be true, but you know what? Whenever I take a minute to jig and act the fool solo, I feel much better. There have been times where I wanted to commit jihad against people who could very well be their own birth control ad, but instead of blowing up at them I turn on my music and let it go.

No, this isn't praise dancing. It's more like p-poppin, only we're not gonna call it that because that would make me sound like I should come in a box with a biscuit and Cajun fries. I don't need any of you leaving comments like "cluck if you buck."

My taste may be a little different than yours, but here are a few songs that help me start my day.

UGK - "Take It Off"

A classic and don't you ever forget it.

The Hot Boys feat. Big Tymers - "I Need A Hot Girl"

Second verse same as the first.

Trina - "Look Back At Me"

She may act like she's a Sunday School teacher on Twitter, but we know better.

DJ Duck - "Buss It Open"

OK, so I already know you're judging me, but in my defense, I was trying to be classy about it so I avoided better songs like "Monkey On That Dick" and "Gimme What You Got (For A Porkchop)." I imagine anyone from New Orleans, other parts of the Boot, and Houston and Dallsa didn't flinch one bit at the song titles.

Geisha - "Shit'n On You Hoe"

I think Fresh everyday for bringing this song to my life. When you are feeling down, turn this on and remind yourself that you are beautiful, intelligent, wonderful, and if you twist it the left, to the right...to the left, right, left, right.

Sidenote: There's nothing like driving with this song blasting and scaring older Korean women. True story.

Guy - "Groove Me"

Don't even try it. This song may be as old as segregation to ya'll, but I love it and if I choose to sometimes dance like flat tops and acid wash still matter, let me make it.

Apollonia 6 - "Sex Shooter"

I think the best way to dance to this song is on a public street in midtown New York with a woman six months pregnant (true story), but I know easier said than done in Kentucky or Korea (hey, I don't have a passport, but my blog does) so try the mirror in your bathroom or something. Just be sure you don't drop your iPod in the water trying to kiss the gun (true story).

I'm going to cut the list now, because if I keep going this will turn into an anthology long entry. If you follow me on Twitter, I usually share my morning jig track of the day.

Also, Kid Fury has the feature "Hoodrat track of the day." That's a good way to build up your collection.

You may think I sound crazy, but trust me, this helps quell my desire to throw my Blackberry against the wall -- and I just bought that phone.

For the record, as I've said previously, make sure you maintain some sense of spirituality. Bird anthems can only do so much for the soul. Jesus before jig, Allah before Absolut, all that.

That being said, for those of you who won't act too good, what gets you going in the AM?

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 12 Comments

1:49 AM


Praise M

 



The devil is a liar...and apparently can be super sized.

I get that this is all in jest, but I actually have a fear that somehow, someway this video will find its way into the inbox of some marketing executive at McDonald's and that person will in turn create a publicity campaign around a bunch of happy fat Black people singing about chicken nuggets as if they were created on the eighth day.

McDonald's has already offered to pay rappers to mention they drink Nuvo with their Big Macs. Then we saw that fake R&B song with a real member of R&B's failed male band club. Now you've got Dwele leading poetry and soul night to shill that McSwaggerJack coffee brand the company is hoping will give a recession bitch slap to Starbucks.

Any day now McDonald's will have commercials of us eating Mickey D's at the car wash on MLK.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 4 Comments

Monday, June 08, 2009
2:30 PM


I Need Answers

 

1. Couldn’t Michael Jackson at least have purchased some Creole or biracial kids?

2. Shouldn’t Eve have claimed those tweets aimed at Chris Brown as hers considering she hasn’t been relevant since the launch of the Palm Treo?

3. Did Bow Wow really say “Can I get two snaps in the chat room?” the other day?

4. Though she may be pretty, am I the only one who thinks Cassie has the body of a transgendered Japanese man?

5. What kind of lucky charm does Janet Jackson have between her legs?

6. I still get confused. Is this what they mean when they say “cunt boots?”

7. Am I the only one who thinks that new Kelly Rowland song should be sent back to the 90s rave it came from?

8. Give me one word to describe this.

9. Jay-Z is a 40-year-old who dresses like he’s 21. Should I care what trends he wants to die?

10. If I released an album this week and it only sold 12 copies, would I still make the top ten on the Billboard 200 next week?

11. Doesn’t Lil’ Wayne’s “Kobe Bryant” sound like what if fellatio came with a beat?

12. As far as the pause police goes, isn’t the idea of keeping tab of any and everything “suspect” a pause in itself?

"I've been in the biz 17 years, so everyone is used to me naming my records. So I wanted to mix it up a little. I want whoever listens to the record to call it what they want, name it themselves based on what they feel listening to the music."

13. What the hell is Pissy talking about?

14. How long before Rihanna starts wearing her hair like Little Richard?

15. Can Chris Brown at least show a skeet taste (© Kim) of remorse?

16. Why not get a matching bracelet saying “Shoot my ass?!”

17. Does anyone have an mp3 of the theme song from 227?

18. Am I the only one who feels like Twitter is ruining the mystique of some celebrities?

19. Speaking of Twitter, are you following me? (Self-promotion game proper)

20. Does she even bother trying to dance anymore?

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 8 Comments

Thursday, June 04, 2009
3:28 AM


If I Were A Pub

 



Yet another reason why publicists need to join together and start a revolt against Twitter. It's making their jobs way too hard.

Judging from past interviews, I imagine the members of Icky Ricky wouldn't know media training if it knocked them upside the head with a lawsuit.

I have to admit, though, I would've never heard of their new single if not for Spectacular's stunt, so while he's obviously raised his profile I'm gonna assume overall this may have not been the best move for him.

Bless his uneducated heart for continuing to lead the "I ain't a gay, I just dance like one" campaign, but I wish someone would be kind enough to sit him down, speak slowly, and help him understand that he needs to turn the camera off for a second.

That or quit fighting the urge to pop back at those who thinks he pops his hips for dudes.

I'm not a publicist, but since I'm hearing that even some of my favorite writers have turned to "the dark side" because there ain't nothing going on but the rent, I thought to give this PR thing I try.

You know, just in case my readership stops growing and my profile gets this bitch slap down to the floor.

Now if I were a publicist designed to inform Spec about why channeling "T-Shirt and Panties" sans the t-shirt wasn't the best idea, I'd say:

1. You could dance around in overalls and flannel like the Brawny man and there's no way in hell you're ever going to erase the image of you dancing in red manties from people's minds. What's done is done.

2. I've come to learn that the only women that enjoy these videos are girls about three years removed from their first periods. If I were you, Spectacular Smith (Jesus and Human Resources wept), I wouldn't keep re-tweeting their messages. Doesn't sound like a rumor killer; seems more like a felony.

3. If you are a grown man challenging other men to a grind-off wearing Victor's Obvious, there's no sense in trying to accuse other people of being gay. If ye ain't gay, ye ain't gay. But trust me, homie, you're not going to win a competition of who can out stereotype who.

4. Sure you dance like a male stripper, but a lot of people stereotype male strippers and say they swing from trees versus digging in the sand. Is it right? Is it fair? Don't know, don't care, but in the future, understand you're not helping matters by saying "I'm just dancing like any male stripper." You might as well shoot your next video with a banana in your mouth.

5. And just so we're clear, unless there's a magical way for females to use their vagina's as a key, there's no way you can post a video online and say "ladies only" and expect only women to watch it. Not every man watching it may be gay, he may just want to laugh at your silly ass. Either way, it's redundant to say ladies only online.

I don't know 'bout ya'll, ut I think I could have a future in this.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 9 Comments

2:55 AM


Got Questions?

 


I normally don't mix the two (my blog, my work) that often, but if you have any questions for Tia Mowry about The Game feel free to leave them in the comments section.

Supposed to be interviewing her on Friday for the Stay Tuned blog on BET.com.

Edit: Interview is up, ya'll. If you have a minute, check it out here.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 6 Comments

2:52 AM


Blogging Betty

 

I know, I know: "Where the hell have you been?"

I am sorry, but things have been busy, and well, ya'll told me not to strip so I had to work my keyboard like it was a pole.

I'm definitely still planning things for this site and trust me when I say it includes a section for PayPal where ya'll can toss your change into my account.

In any event, yesterday New Hampshire decided to be the sixth state in the union to "send this country to hell" as some of my kinfolk would say.

As I've made it clear repeatedly on this here site, I think everyone deserves the right to be miserable. I still remember having a polite debate with a friend (who will probably be somebody's governor one day) who tried to drill it into my head why civic unions were an appropriate compromise on the issue of gay marriage.

After he finished speaking I responded with three words: Separate but equal.

He gave me that smile like, "Dammit," and that was that. Civil debate. Yes, pimpin', I can engage in them.

The other day, I spoke to another friend about my frustration with some religious people. Actually, wait, it's not religious people per se. It's people in general who basically regurgitate information passed on to them versus taking the time to learn about a subject before they pontificate on it.

In this instance, though, it just happened to be pseudo religious folk who know about as much about their faith as white people know about s-curls that irked me.

Naturally, gay marriage is a very divisive topic. I'm pretty sure many of you will not agree with my opinion on the matter and that's fine, but I don't care for when people cite the Bible on 'traditional marriage.'

For all of the wonderful lessons in there, people neglect to mention how rape, abuse, and murder are condone in certain instances. Not to mention polygamy, incest, racism, and slavery. Indeed people pick and choose what to believe.

That being said, though this video is satirical, there's often a lot of truth in humor.



I imagine some will object to this and speak of taking things out of context. To that I say, learn about the history of the word 'abomination' and then holla at me about taking things out of context.

I believe in God, I pray, and though I am not perfect, I try to do right by people.

At the same time, certain things never added up to me, and all jokes aside (yes, that includes the Betty video) I truly hope in the future we can have constructive debates about faith, and more importantly, how it affects our governing (which last time I checked, was still supposed to be done separately).

I don't think religion is bad at all. I think the inclination to use it as a weapon against people, which has happened countless times over centuries, is awful.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 4 Comments