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Tuesday, March 31, 2009
12:00 AM


The Name Game: Miller Edition

 


I think Master P's kids deserve their very own entry as it's a litter of them with names out of this world.

I'm at the point now where I can properly pronounce most of the 'unique' names of children even if I don't know what the hell their name actually means. Such is the Case for Percy's daughter, Cymphonique.

In addition to little Cymphonique - who on the site posted a video about wanting to be an "inspiring actress, dancer, and singer" (she's 12, ya'll -- I give her a pass) - there are her brothers and sisters.

Like Lil' King, the 8-year-old rap sensation who boasts lines like, "This young man, I'm #1/That means I come second to none/With a nick, nack, patty wack, send them haters home/My name is King and I'm coming for the thrown," from his single, "Wiggy Wiggy."

Not to be outdone, there's another rapping brother named Vercy. He's not to be confused with another Miller boy named Hercy. Or Veno, who sings.

Per Siyclone, I've learned the kids P. has with his wife include, Percy III (Lil' Romeo), Vercy, and Hercey. The girls include Itali, Tytyana, and Intylyana.

The others are from another mother. They're all promoted as triple threats, however.

Did ya'll get all that?

Last week the homie texted me that he met a girl named LaTiffany. I'm sure most of us will agree when compared to Cymphonique and Intylyana, LaTiffany's name might as well be Julie.

Edit: Per an anonymous commenter: "Lil' King isn't Cymphonique and Vernen's (Veno) brother...thats their cousin...Lil' King is Silkk's son not Percy's."

I read one thing, two people tell me something different, and now something else. I'm confused about who's child support check goes to whom, but I do know all those names are still 'unique.'

Thanks for leaving this, though!

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 8 Comments

Monday, March 30, 2009
12:00 AM


Send This To Kanye, Please

 

There seems to be a growing number of people who are anticipating Kanye West to one day throw on a pink scarf and step out into a room full of reporters and announce that he’s gay. I’m not one of those people because I don’t believe Kanye West is gay.

I’m put off by how so many people assume he’s gay for some of the most stereotypical reasons.

OK, so he’s not walking around holding his nutsac all day like half the Black male population between the ages of 6-30.

Alright, he’s had moments where certain expressions, mannerism, or outburst are deemed “suspect” by the general population. This, however, makes no sense to me given the fact that hip-hop is both homophobic yet homoerotic – yes, I’m talking about you greased up rappers in jewelry telling another man to suck your dick. No one calls them gay, so why does one odd face make ‘Ye a homo?

We live in a world where Black fathers are largely absent in the upbringing of their male sons. You typically act like the people who raised you in one way or the other, so Black America, get used to it unless Black men start remembering that your parenting responsibilities don’t escape you as soon as you nut.

I don’t buy into these trite and extremely limiting gender roles anyway. I’m not saying should I have a son I’ll be taking him dress shopping at age six, but I’m not going to break out into convulsions if he gives someone the side-eye either.

I think what bothers me most of all about Kanye’s gay claims are that they’re now partially fueled by Kanye having the audacity to speak about gay people as if they’re not aliens or inherent heathens who will be burned in hell for all eternity.

Speaking about a human being as such shouldn’t warrant an untruthful association. It’s stupid and sophomoric and it makes it that much more difficult for tolerant Black men to speak about gay people as normal folk.

No one is going to want to openly speak out in defense of an isolated group if they fear it will lead to alienation from their own community and be detrimental to their career.

I will say, though, that I find Kanye’s ninetieth denial about being gay to be disappointing.

For someone who puts on airs that he’s so forward-thinking and recently asked people to show a little humility and tolerance, I find it odd that when denying rumors about his own sexuality he clings to the age-old stereotype about gay men.

His accusing those who accuse him of being gay of questioning his manhood is rooted in the notion that gay men aren’t “real men.”

If you are a man attracted to men you’re often tagged as effeminate, and thus, less of a man. This is why I often tell people homophobia is largely rooted in misogyny. Though we’ve collectively made some strides, society at large still hates women, and judges them as less than men. That’s why so many can’t stand gay men as being one is looked upon as yearning to be a woman.

Kanye’s blog entry buys into all of that nonsense, and only irritates me more – mainly because if we’re going by the logic of what traditionally makes a man a man ‘Ye ain’t but a few outfits and bitch fits away from being B. Scott’s sister.

This is a person admittedly with questionable choices in fashion and certain antics. Though I don’t personally think any of that suggests he’s a choker, not a poker, if we’re going by the idea that being gay strips one of their manhood, then what does dressing like one mean?

Particularly if this man is currently dating a woman who used to date a woman into men who pretend to look like women.

Like I said, I don’t think Kanye West is gay, but I’m really disappointed in him buying into a stereotype I thought he was helping to discredit.

Being the Louie Vuitton Don doesn’t make him gay, but that along with this statement sure makes him sound like a hypocrite.

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 4 Comments

Sunday, March 29, 2009
4:33 PM


Nutty Negro Of The Week

 



Last night I tried crab enchiladas. How fitting that I would wake up the next morning and be greeted with a video from a crab that was unfortunately not boiled a long time ago.

If you noticed, I haven't talked much about politics on here lately. I like to mix it up when it comes to subject matter, and with politics being such a big interest of mine, it just made sense to incorporate some of that into the topics here. Lately, though, I've been turned off from the whole process.

I'm happy Obama won, but it seems corporations continue to be the big winners in the end, so there's only so much I can say about heartless greedy execs getting over on Americans -- and the politicians bought and sold who aid them.

But there are some things you can't ignore.

I've been tempted before to mock Michael Steele and his campaign to "hip-hopize" the GOP, but I didn't have the energy. However, the more this fool talks, the more I'm reminded of how much he irritates the hell out of me. I might as well get it out of my system.

This is a person who clearly likes to hear himself speak no matter how stupid he sounds -- which is most of the time. He has a knack for embarrassing Black people, bald people, tall people, people named Michael -- anyone that have some short of linkage to him no matter how minimal it may be.

When I think about the future of the Republican Party, laughter usually pours out as it's clear if they think Michael Steele is going to lead them into the promise land they are sadly mistaken.

Now as far as his disdain for Obama: Jealous much? I don't know what planet he lives on, but being the overlord for a fledging political party isn't the same as running a nation -- even if the nation in question is fledging itself.

As for his claims that Black people had no pride for him (which is what this all boils down to) when he ran for office in Maryland: That's because the lying ass liar fronted as if he were running as a Democrat when he knew damn well he was a Republican. He tried to practically trick people into voting for him and came up short after people heard him open his mouth.

It's not the people of Maryland's fault that most would rather clean chitlins with their tongue than have you continue to represent them in government. Obama isn't thinking about you any more than the people who didn't vote for you are.

And this nonsense about there no being right or wrong side of history is exactly why I've never liked him. Yes, Michael person that needs a new name, there is a such thing as the wrong side of history. Examples include slavery, legal disenfranchisement of any kind, George W. Bush, and the day you started to head the RNC.

Go away and clean out of your office for Meghan McCain.

Labels: ,


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 1 Comments

Friday, March 27, 2009
3:03 AM


R.I.P. Blender

 

You're unlikely to find me often mention any place I've worked at on this blog as I am no fool. However, since the magazine is folding anyway, what the hell? Three and a half years ago I had two summer internships in New York. One was at Blender magazine.

I distinctively remember writing a cover letter that kicked off with references to Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat. I wanted them to know that I was not only a fan of the magazine, but could easily follow the same snarky tone and wit that made them popular at the time.

Already scoring one internship for the summer, I had every intention to do just the one and work part-time to live in NY and not starve to death. Then sometime in March I got a call from a 212 number while in class and I immediately bolted out of the room to answer. I was called in for an interview with Blender and I was hella geeked. I really wanted to intern at a magazine and Blender was one of my top choices (if not the top choice at the time).

So, a few weeks later I was on the train headed to New York in my pank shirt and tie. Actually, I think it was a variation of pink. Like a hot pink, but not ugly -- if that makes any sense. I don't normally say this, but I looked nice, dammit. I wanted to look professional but not stiff, hence the bold color.

The train got stuck - on two occasions - for several minutes at a time. I believe we were stuck in between the NJ Transit stop and my final destination at Penn Station. I got so petrified while waiting. Fortunately, though I was almost an hour late, they understood as I called while on the train.

The interview went well and soon after I found out that I had been offered the internship.

When I got there, it wasn't exactly what I thought it would be, but I certainly learned a lot. I think my fondest memory about my time with them was when I had the opportunity to assist at a photo shoot with Teairra Mari. This was the only time I did anything that would be considered the stereotypical intern duties.

I didn't get coffee, but I was sent to fetch a dog collar for the killers on a leash Teairra was to hold as a part of her shoot. Oh, and I had to hand Teairra a Sprite -- or something like that. Whatever, pet store and 7/11. There you go.

Before she got there, they needed someone to step in for the lightning. I was the only colored around, so guess who tested that out for Teairra? I wish I had the picture of me holding those dogs of death on me. It would've gone perfectly with this post. Yeah: My bad, yall.

I guess what I remembered most about it was how young Teairra was and how grown they were molding her. I had a to remind myself this girl was 17 when they had her vamped at as Vanity. And at the time, I noticed I had seen many of her handlers on TV or in some magazine -- particularly Tracy Waples.

There they were these grown women with this young girl trying their hardest to make her some hood Lolita.

And then, a little bit before I left, I heard "No Daddy." When her pimp stylist told me that was her second single in my head I was thinking, "Oh, it's her last one, too."

There was no way in hell that song was going to fly with the general public, but who was I, some lowly intern, to say anything to them.

My only other memories I have at Blender include my boss being annoyed that Michael Jackson was acquitted of child molestation charges, a senior editor calling me a Lamb (Mariah fans, you know), and that I briefly came across someone who would ultimately become the homie -- Clover.

I don't even have the specific issue on me, but I also wrote a tiny little blurb in Blender. Tiny yet meaningful.

I honestly haven't picked up the magazine in years, but I'm a little sorry to hear that even more people are losing their jobs and that the publishing world is losing yet another major player. Who knows who's next.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 5 Comments

Thursday, March 26, 2009
2:17 AM


Strip The Debt Away?

 

What is the deal with YouTube? I can never find the right clip to capture the tone of my posts anymore.

My idea was to plug in a good scene from The Player's Club then segue into the point of the entry, but since someone's blocking over on the site, you'll just have to play a good scene in your head and roll with it.

In these troubling times many people have thought, "Why not sell ass?" I hear it from my friends, spot in people's Twitter statues (wait, is that the right term -- whatever), and judging from MySpace, people seem to have been up on game.

I've been reading a lot of articles over the past couple of days and it seems strip clubs all across the country (even the corny states) are seeing a sea of potential p-poppers express interest in flashing ass for cash (thank you, 410).

To that end, I find myself thinking, "Times are hard and you need cash. Would it really be so bad if you showed some...."

Do me the huge favor of reading and commenting (that is, on the site of the page that is) on my most recent entry for my blog, "The Recession Diaries."

Read it, love it (or not -- that's OK, too...kinda), tweet it, Facebook it, do all that and help the cause (keeping me from strolling the corner in Air Max's).

The link to the entry in question can be accessed here. Thanks and such.

P.S. Thanks to everyone who left those nice comments in the previous post. I really appreciate it. Particularly at this very second as I sit in my computer trying to figure out if I can send a root through email. :\

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 2 Comments

Wednesday, March 25, 2009
12:30 PM


So I've Noticed

 

I'm not going to lie: I love the fact that my blog is getting more clicks even if it is from an entry on Ciara channeling her hole-in-the-wall stripper for attention.

I don't even mind the hate mail. I usually respond to those messages with, "I hope you feel better now that you've released that." and go about my day.

The only thing that sort of gets me is that people essentially sum up what I had to say with, "It's a Beyonce stan ranting." Eh, maybe next time I'll bold the important parts.

I've noticed the recurring sentiment that Beyonce fans are idiots being expressed. These are primarily from people who act as if subject-verb agreements ought to be treated like the relationship between Rick Ross and 50 Cent. Not to mention many can't read. Go figure.

Then there's the whole "Beyonce steals, too." Yeah, no shit. I've mentioned that quite a few times on here. Beyonce has contributed to the concept of originality about as much as a copy machine has. I've noticed. In fact, I wrote that in the post about Ciara, didn't I?

Ciara's copy cat bit was so blatant I couldn't help but note it. That's not my biggest gripe, though. I'm more so intrigued by how low she's willing to stoop to succeed. I don't care when people sell sex so long as they own it. I don't believe Ciara and it seems desperate, and thus, irritating.

Before it got snatched down, I heard the clip of her song, "Feelin' On My A!"

"Boy you better stop, while you feelin' on my A!, feelin' on my A!, feelin' on my A!"

Really? If she decided to bend over backwards and show us her brazillian while she was still hot, I'd be more inclined to believe that the idea to be more overtly sexual was organic versus a contrived attempt to regain her spot. Yet she's not so I don't.

I bought her first album. One of the first reviews I ever wrote (on the collegiate level) was on Goodies. I enjoyed it. The second not so much. Now, I can't tell who she is or what she's trying to be.

It's easier for people to focus on the notion of another stan war as it gives people the option to evade a legitimate argument: Every R&B singer is on a damn pole and soon they'll all be on all fours.

Some people are a little upset that Justin Timberlake gets a constant pass in objectifying Black women. I saw the clip of Ciara calling Justin Timberlake her boytoy in the video, but I didn't get that from the video. One of my female friends described it best: She looks like a video hoe in her own video. To that end, when it comes to the issue of Justin objectifying Black women, be more upset at the women who allowed themselves to be objectified.

Oh, and if you're a newbie, welcome to The Cynical Ones. Spread the link as wide as Ciara spread her legs in the video. And do follow me on Twitter.

Smile!

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 16 Comments

3:18 AM


Shame On Him, Shame On Me

 


This is exactly why I want to write a book called You Should've Be Spayed. One of these days someone's going to have to muster up the balls to publicly declare that procreation should become a privilege, not a right. It didn't take long for people to come up with songs themed around "Chris Browning a chick" in the "good, sexual" (that is, if you're a sadist) sort of way. Now we have beat down themed fashion.

What's next? Chris Brown boxing gloves? I myself am guilty of writing "Do I have to Chris Brown a bitch?" on this blog so maybe I ought to sign up for sensitivity classes with the makers of this shirt. I know in comedy there tends to be a little leeway in what one can make fun of, but perhaps some things simply need to be left alone.

Domestic violence is an example of such. The more I read about young people faulting Rihanna for her assault, or learning that so many kids think violence in a relationship is the norm, the more I realize that shirts like these and people like me making light of a serious situation need to be done away with.

I've written repeatedly about people needing to acknowledge how bad the situation is, yet I now see myself almost as guilty as some of the people I've criticized.



I say almost, because even I wouldn't put ignorance of this degree to a beat.

I bought Barry White's "Practice What You Preach" on cassette back when I was a kid (shut up in advance -- that song knocked). If I could get the message when it's coming from an overweight lover with a voice that could narrate a screw CD back then, I should have no problem getting it now.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 3 Comments

2:44 AM


Skinny People Want Their Fries, Too

 



As I sit here digesting the whole pizza I just ate (it was flatbread and it had spinach on it -- that makes it healthy, right?), I am so grateful to Pharrell.

See there: Those who can fit a small are willing to act up for some food just like members of the medium, large, and no-size-fits-you populations.

If you recall, he was a part of my shout out to the slim man crew last year, but after watching this clip he deserves his own post. He has provided living proof that a slim waist doesn't mean you never yearn for the taste of a McNugget. Now some people - bougie people who act like they can't eat mystery meat like the rest of us - are looking at this and going, "Well he ended up not getting anything, so I bet his skinny ass starved."

That's not the point. The point is Pharrell was willing to dance, sing, and act like he popped an x pill half an hour prior to arriving at the cash register just to get some a Filet-o-Fish. That is dedication, people.

Pharrell handles hunger much better than me, though. I remember a few years ago I damn near cursed out a friend over a chocolate Frosty. My friend told me they were good and worth trying. They were not and at the time I spent my entire break trying to get one. I ended up tossing that nasty chocolate crap in a cup and went back to work still hungry. I would've done better eating from the street meat vendors trying to pass off rat marinated in expired BBQ sauce as terayaki chicken.

I should've handled my disappointment the way Pharrell did -- by annoying cashiers with an awkward Michael Jackson inspired dance routine.

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 7 Comments

Monday, March 23, 2009
1:48 PM


Swagger Jacker of the Week: Ciara

 


Despite writing about how sick I've grown of the word "swagger," I think as long as I forgo the option of saying it every other second like some people, this feature can remain as is.

The premise of Ciara's "Sex Love Magic" video is basically look at the kitty kat diva in her freakum dress getting bodied trying to be Justin Timberlake's suga mama.

While I'm sure her intentions were to get me to focus on how sexy she is and forget how mediocre her material has been thus far, all I can think about after watching this is how much of a wack ass she is. This video looks like a tribute to the Beyonce anthology, and while Beyonce is not an originator by any stretch at least when she jacks something she makes it her own -- which is what you're supposed to do when you bite.

Wait, that bears repeating before anyone tries to drill that point home in the comments section:
Beyonce may bite, Alicia may steal, and Rihanna may have bought all of Fefe Dobson's clothes at a garage sale, but they're all much better actresses than Ciara.

All of them have sold sex (yes, even Alicia, too), but it never reeked of desperation.


Her fusing Beyonce's video treatments with Madonna's old hoe shit bit doesn't seem like a woman embracing her new found sexuality. I think she looks like a prostitute trying to score a hit before her pimp puts her back on the street. I find her pathetic in every sense of the word.

She's like that girl in high school that tried too hard that everyone ends up laughing at. I don't doubt for a second that if every other popular singer out there shot videos of them in winter coats on the beach she'd toss on a Northface and proceed to do pull-ups on some monkey bars just to sweat a little more than the other girls out.

The interesting thing about her is that she's doing everything antithetical to what made her relevant to begin with. In an attempt to appeal to a pop audience, she's alienating the people who pushed her to platinum status. I would know, because I bought her first album. Then she came out with that pretentious evolution-themed album (who experiences that great an evolution in two years?) and her music went to shit.

Maybe if she focused on her music as much as she did her ever changing image and sound she wouldn't be reduced to doggystyle positions and rubbing her ass cheeks on Justin Timberlake for a cheap hit. I thought this chick was supposed to be a great dancer anyway. How do you put Justin Timberlake in a video and not have any extensive choreography? Wasn't her being some supposed great dancer what separated her from the other singers reduced to dip it, pop it, twirk it stop it dance routines?

Some feel I'm being too hard on her. I think the problem is I know Ciara had way more successful when she was seeking to give folks blue balls instead of full fledged hard-ons.

Far too many people rely on sex to sell forgetting one important fact: Thanks to the internet we can see hoes all day for free. In the end, she can get attention for this, and she'll even score a modest hit for letting Justin the Negro career killer do the track, but what's next?

Will she throw Lil' Wayne on the next single and flash her lips in the video? Her Fantasy Ride is going to resemble that US Airways flight that landed in water.

Meanwhile:



P.S.


Damn, homie.


Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 10 Comments

12:00 AM


The Week In 10

 

It's been a minute, but it's time to bring The Week in 10 back.

Off we go:


1. Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon announced plans to throw a big bash in celebration of their one year wedding anniversary. For those of you who thought Mariah would run Nick Cannon ragged and force him to file an annulment three weeks after revealing they wed, I bet you're single. So am I, but hey, I'm not hating. The two are also planning to buy a mansion worth $125 million. Must be nice.


2. Ciara decided to give Beyonce a dose of her own medicine by biting her look. Despite her channeling her inner Cici Fierce, all she did was give us another reason to laugh at her wack ass and remind of us why Beyonce is on top and why she needs Justin to score a cheap hit.



She also leaked a clip of her new video, which looks a lot like a fake ass version of "Kitty Kat." Ciara proves yet again that she just doesn't get it. She could offer a free coupon for a free trip inside of her with each copy of Fantasy Ride and the shit will still flop.


3. It turns out that two other members of the one hit wonder 90s group, Soul IV Real, were fraud ass frauds, too. Lost boys of B2K, and functioning illiterates of Pretty Ricky, meet your future if you don't find a financial planner and Dr. Suess.

Via That Bitch.

4. Barack Obama really needs to get rid of his treasury secretary, then answer whether or not being the second largest recipient of campaign contributions from AIG has influenced any of his policies.

5. By banning all Palestinian cultural events that acknowledge Jerusalem's historical links to Arab culture, Israel has discovered yet another way to point a gun at itself.



6. LeToya Luckett shows how to come across as funny and likable in an interview.



Keri Hilson's dry, Mya-like way of interviewing, not so much.

7. Some suggests that a recently released excerpted quoted from Queen Latifah suggests that she's publicly acknowledging her inner Cleo.

8. Bebe Winans is allegedly the Chris Brown of gospel.

9. R.I.P., Natasha Richardson.



10. Author and eternally pregnant Neffe overestimates her stature in the media. She also seems to forget that Keyshia bought her a house, and thus, does help take care of her.

By the way:

"God Blessed her w/ 8 children?”

You mean God and a petri dish. Why do people keep putting them not using birth control and condoms properly on God? God didn’t push you on your back and told you to spread ‘em. He's got bigger fish to fry: Like preventing elected goons and the executives that bought them their position from oblierating the world's economy and putting us all in bread lines.

But, of course, she get it from her mama:

This is why crackheads typically aren't encouraged to drink. But, it should be pointed out that she dances better than her kids.

Until next Monday, ya'll.

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 5 Comments

Thursday, March 19, 2009
5:43 AM


My TV Is Black & White, Minus The Black

 

I read an article yesterday in the New York Times about the lack of diversity in television.

It started with word of the cancellation of Chocolate News and D.L. Hughley Breaks The News, and Do Not Disturb. Actually, network executives don’t like to use the word cancellation when referring to banished Black shows.

Jenni Runyan, a spokeswoman for Comedy Central, whose executives declined to comment for this article, said “Chocolate News” completed its entire run of 10 episodes but was not renewed for a second season. She said the network does not talk about why shows are not renewed.

I get it: Why talk about it when it’s canceled?

And as many of you know, The Game and Everybody Hates Chris haven’t officially been canceled (or “not renewed”), but they’re not on the CW’s fall schedule and the CW eliminated its comedy division some time ago. Basically: They’re not coming back.

I’m more concerned about those two shows being canceled than the first three. Chocolate News wasn’t funny and D.L. Hughly is not Bill Maher. I can’t help but think some white executives are under the impression that if you stick any Black face on TV every person of color will rush to watch their face as we eat McDonald's (consider the ad spots that run during these shows).

Even if the faces they throw on TV haven’t been well received since the early 90s, hey, they’re Black, so there’s gotta be some appeal there, right?

It’s like the people in control of the airwaves have forgotten the lessons of the likes of Bill Cosby and Dave Chappelle. Each proved a very important point: Black people are not a monolith and the notion that only Black people watch shows dominated with Black cast members is flawed.

That’s why I find word of the CW canceling the two Black shows left on broadcast television so disappointing. Everybody Hates Chris never had the chance to build an audience. Many hailed it as “The Black Wonder Years,” but the show had its own style.

The show is funny, and Tichina Arnold deserves an Emmy. If Katherine Hiegel can get one, so should Tichina. They never gave the show a chance. It started on Thursday’s on UPN, then got bounced around all over the place and ultimately left to die on Friday nights.

Nevermind the show had the potential to crossover thanks to it being helmed by Chris Rock. It’s too Black, and thus, too much to deal with.

Same for The Game, which I think is a really entertaining and funny show. Those two shows didn’t get any real press, but what does? Chocolate News.

Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for a show featuring Black folk doing political satire? When I’m finally given it, it’s David Allen Grier telling the same tired jokes in the same tired get up that stopped being funny two years before I was born.

I watched D.L. Hughley’s show for about two minutes once. I saw Donnell Rawlings dressed up as a pimp named “Freddy Mac.” I turned that bullshit off while he was in mid-sentence.

The ones who are Black and doing satire that are funny are on The Daily Show. Here’s top hoping Wyatt Cenac eventually gets his own show.

If I hadn’t told ya’ll already, my goal is to ultimately become a successful screenwriter. I love doing editorial work, and will always do so, but I’d love to have my own show. I already have a treatment and really hope one day it comes together in true form. Only thing is that when I let some people read it, they think it’s funny, only it would be better suited if it were played by white people.

To tell you the truth, I think they’re right. I look on TV and I see what’s there – or who’s not – and wonder will it ever change.

I’ve come to really appreciate and admire Tyler Perry, but I can’t really get into his sitcoms. I watch Keyshia Cole and The Real Housewives of Atlanta, but I don’t really consider that programming is comparable to Black shows that have come before.

And when I read about what’s coming soon I cringe:

Fox is also considering an African-American-led sitcom titled “Brothers” for its fall lineup. It features Daryl Mitchell, known as Chill, who was paralyzed in a 2001 motorcycle accident and uses a wheelchair, and Michael Strahan, the former Giants football star. ABC is considering “The Law,” a pilot starring Cedric Kyles, popularly known as Cedric the Entertainer. And CBS has cast the rapper LL Cool J in a planned spin-off of “NCIS,” its procedural crime drama.

Brothers? Really? The Law is going to be a comedy about two LAPD reserve officers. Ced and Donald Faison play the cops. So they essentially want Bad Boys on TV.

Ice Cube is also developing an hour long buddy comedy for NBC. One or both shows could be funny (in theory), but I think the funniest joke already is the guy who participated in the song “Fuck The Police” doing a buddy comedy.

I’m happy that networks are at least looking at Barack Obama and thinking hmm, Black people are “in” again (No seriously: That’s the conventional wisdom behind all of this sudden interest), but it’s the same thing over and over again. And the irony of it all is that the person who inspired all this interest won in part to him seeming different.

If any of you reading this work in TV, feel free to email me.


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 3 Comments

4:49 AM


Fool That I Am

 



To counter some of the inane anthems I've posted lately, I wanted to share this. I stumbled along this months ago, and I listen to it often -- particularly when I'm feeling a certain kind of way. I tend to move towards the more melancholy tracks from time to time and this is one of my favorites. Etta James' version is fantastic, but I think Adele does a great job of capturing the mood of the song and adding her own special spin to it.

I really enjoy Adele. Not many people can do convincing covers let alones ones spanning genre's. She's done Sam Cooke, Etta James, and of course, Bob Dylan on her album. If you haven't paid her any mind, you ought to. I love her. Sad to say, unless Amy Wino embraces rehab and a McRib, there's no telling if we'll ever get another album out of her. If that day never comes, I think Adele will suit my interests just fine. She's like Amy only with legal meds.

I can sing-a-long to it, dance to it at the club, but overall I'm pretty bored with contemporary R&B music and really hope the likes of Maxwell, D'Angelo, and Erykah Badu are serious about dropping new albums this year. One fashion of R&B/Soul doesn't have to replace the other -- things just shouldn't be so lopsided.

When it comes to soul music these days, it's mainly the ones over the pond staying true toe tradition. Ain't that peculiar. In any event, enjoy!

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 1 Comments

12:58 AM


Bobby B.

 


So we're clear: I'm likely to blog about any and every new ign't dance that comes out from now until the wheels fall of on this site. Someone referred to me as a ghetto bird for this, but I resent that. I may like dances from people who act as if they should come with a biscuit, but I'm a fucking classy guy.

Many thanks go out to the reader from Dallas who let me know that the dance is 'Bobby B' and not 'Bobby V.' As soon as I read that I went straight to YouTube and looked for the dance. This is my new favorite song in the entire world -- at least until the next one drops in a week or so.

If you can make out the gibberish Dunn Deal would call lyrics, you're likely to catch a couple of references to the Kang of R&B. Some of you may be new to The Cynical Ones, but let it be known that I love Bobby Brown. "Roni" is one of my favorite songs in the entire world, and "Rock Wit Cha," "On Our Own," and "My Prerogative" still earn rotation on my iPod.

I even like singing "Thug Lovin'" whenever I have strep throat. I think it's great that Bobby Brown has his own little ode now. He deserves it. Usher may have more money, a wife who could double as his bodyguard, and more success, but he doesn't have his own jig, so who's really Mr. Entertainment?

One day I hope to have my own little ign't dance created in my honor. Something that is themed around getting low, raising your drink, and throwing your hood up. Yeah, that would be great.

Though I love this song now and am so glad I found the mp3, I have to admit after a couple of other videos I became a little hesitant to fully embrace the Bobby B.



There are a lot of things wrong with this video. The first would be his head and why it looks like it belongs in another decade. The second would be why his shirt looks like it was designed by McDonalds' ad department. Then there is the way he's doing the dance.

It looks like my dougie and a double stanky legg. There's a little too much going on. I refuse to get a gumby and do the most like homie in the clip. Thankfully, I spotted another one.



Much better. This dance is way better than the previous two I mentioned. The Halle Berry looks a little too project AKA-ish and the Ricky Bobby reminds me of being a crossing guard back in elementary.

Please keep the dances coming, ya'll. I plan to jig at my wedding, my divorce, and my funeral should I get special permission.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 5 Comments

Wednesday, March 18, 2009
1:21 AM


Help Me: Christina Milian

 

Dear Michael,

Heeeeeeeeeey, Mike.

It’s me. Christina Milian. OMG, so many things are happening. I’m sure you’ve heard by now, but just incase you haven’t I’ve made a new friend. I believe you know him.

Ahh! I know right. It’s crazy. I’m signed to his label, Radio Killa. I really think he can take me to the next level. We have such great chemistry together.

Of course everyone thinks we’re a couple now. It’s so silly. I have no idea why the thought would enter their minds. I guess when two people gel so well together people naturally assume that they’re together.

But I’m so excited to be working with him. He has been killing the game for a while now. Radio Killa! Heeeey! Sorry just felt like saying it again. I’m super excited about the future now.

Have I mentioned that people think we’re dating? And that we’re engaged. It’s so crazy how the blogs are suddenly paying attention to me non-stop about a silly little thing like that.

Is that what gets attention these days? It’s ridiculous. What about talent? What about heart?

Wait what about this picture? Do we look like a couple in it? I mean, not that it matters, because I totally don’t want people giving me attention for this. But let’s just play along and say that we are a couple, how do we look together? And what’s the contact info to Crunk + Disorderly, Bossip, Concrete Loop, and Media Take Out again? I’d love to get their opinions about it.

Oooh, and can you send me Necole Bitchie’s link, too? I mean, gotta get everyone’s opinion? Let’s see, who did I leave out?

After I send this pic and ask each blogger if we look like a couple, I’m totally going to set them straight and inform them that Christina Milian only wants to be known for one thing – my music.

Ugh. Did I mention yet how The-Dream and I hate this picture? The-Dream and I have so many other pictures together that look much better than this shot.

Like that one. The-Dream and I love this pic. We look great together in this picture – kind of like a couple, but really not because you know, I’m not ENGAGED TO THE-DREAM. THE-DREAM AND I ARE JUST FRIENDS.

We make music together. Music that is coming soon. That’s right Christina Milian brought to the world by The-Dream. Radio Killa! Hehehe. Sorry, just had to say it again.

Oh, yeah, I’m writing you for help, right? OK, let’s see, I really want to make it this time. They say the third time is the charm, and three is the square root of the number of chances I’ve been given to blow up so maybe things will finally pay off!

I mean, I’m working with The-Dream now!

That’s just a taste of what’s coming. OMG. Are you ready? Radio Killa!

Bye….gonna go work on material with The-Dream!

Christina Milian (friend of The-Dream)

---

Dear Christina,

I think you’re a cute girl who can dance her ass off, but musically, I think you should have retired years ago and tried to get a sitcom.

It’s not my place to tell someone to quit, so if you’re a glutton for punishment, by all means, keep on going. Maybe The-Dream can give you a couple of hits…on Billboard, that is.

But, if I’m being honest I believe your time to shine came and went several years ago.

This is when you should have blown up. Then you came with that Disney channel inspired single and Ashanti came and took your spot.

Then you had that chance when “Dip It Low” drop. That was a dope video. You truly are a great dancer. Yet, you blew that one, too.

Oh and when you were given another chance and offered “S.O.S.” you turned it down.

You see how that panned out.

And now you want to try again. Here is the world’s reaction to word of a new Christina Milian album.

It’s been eight years now. You’re kind of like the female Ray-J in that once in a blue moon you may score a hit song, but you’ll never have a hit album. Fortunately, albums are starting to become less and less relevant.

That could give you an opportunity to give people a reason to give a damn, but I doubt it. You may get another hit here and there, but those big solo star dreams evaporated when Ashanti cooed baby 89 times in a single song and dried out completely when Rihanna rolled around in Beyonce’s old tracks.

If you fail again, I’m sure you could find another producer to “befriend,” but is it the production value or is it that we just don’t care that much.

Who knows, but good luck with Teddy Graham.

Listening to a Beyonce album and thinking, “Thank God she’s not you!”

Michael

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 6 Comments

1:00 AM


Defeat That Debt

 

With all due respect to Dr. Phil, when I read his advice to those drowning in debt, I wanted his money back. I thought his shtick was that he’s tough – a real straight shooter who drills the point into the heads of people.

While I do understand the emotional problems associated with some shopaholics, others are simply trifling and need to be called on it.

And before you remind me, yes, I myself deserve a tongue lashing for my own financial pitiful; however, I was only trying to get an education. I didn’t get into debt trying to live suburban dreams with section 8 income.

I only took one class in psychology, and have entertained the idea of stripping for supplemental income, but I’ve caught a few episodes of Suze Orman so I think I can offer some solid advice so here we go:

---

Actually, if you want to read the rest, can you please go here. Yes, this is my attempt at solicting you to go read my recession blog at The Root. Please do, and then get someone else to do it, too. I like it, so I think you'll like it, too.

A few people have told me that they have tried to register and leave comments and encountered some trouble. Yeah, they're working on that. In the meantime, should you feel compelled, please try again. Smile. Thank you.


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at

Tuesday, March 17, 2009
1:38 PM


I Got A Finger For You

 


Are some Germans naturally predisposed to pissing off every other race and ethnicity on Earth or do they really not get it?

Sprehe, a German food company are the makers of the Obama-fingers. It's basically chicken strips and some dipping sauce (curry). A spokesperson for the company said:

"We noticed that American products and the American way of eating are trendy at the moment," Judith Witting, sales manager for Sprehe, told SPIEGEL ONLINE. "Americans are more relaxed. Not like us stiff Germans, like (Chancellor Angela) Merkel."

Since when is fried chicken trendy eating? If they were basing their products on the trendy eating habits of Americans, they'd be selling Ramen noodles, peanut butter, and fast food off the dollar menu. Pick up a newspaper, Judith and get with it.

Or maybe a history book. It hadn't dawned on anyone in the company that some people may interpret their Obama fingers as them racially stereotyping President Obama.

Judith said: "It was supposed to be a homage to the American lifestyle and the new US president."

The connection between this and fried chicken historically being linked to Black folk in the U.S. never came across her mind. Maybe a pink slip should.

I shouldn't be mad about this. I ought to ignore this for the most part the same way I did the New York Post editorial cartoon. But, I can't help but think I should dip my middle finger in curry sauce, snap a picture of it, and send it to everyone who works at this company.

There had to at least be one person around who thought: "Sie dumm fuhrt." That's German for "you stupid head." Thank you, Google. Too bad I couldn't find a translation for "you's a dumb ass." Or "Black folk 'bout to cuss ya'll smooth out."

It's bad enough we've already made Obama such a commodity to be bought and sold. Between the bootleg t-shirts, handmade dolls, soap-on-ropes, and even thongs I'm getting Obama overkill. He is President of the United States yet the world has turned him into the Beyonce of politics. Any day now someone is going to splice his speeches and put them over soul beats and shill Obama mixtapes. And now, they'll be able to eat chicken with it as they bob their heads.

The worst part of it all is the chicken looks nasty as hell.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 2 Comments

12:21 PM


The Name Game

 

This post continues to be the standard bearer, but the more I hear about these creatively crazy names from family and friends, the more I think I need to start making this a regular feature. I got a text yesterday about a child named Sjondarian Bland.

What is a Sjondarian Bland?

My browser's spell-check wanted to call him Sanitarian or Secondarily.

The name could be based on generic wine. Perhaps it's inspired by an STD, or maybe it falls under the standard faux-French fuck up of a name so many Black people like to give their children.

Why do people continue to do this to their kids? The minute a name like that is spotted on a birth certificate is the minute you leave the room and call CPS. Better yet, call CPS in front of the mother. Make them understand how wrong they are.

If your aim is to ruin your child for life for ruining your figure, you can actually still do worse than Sjondarian. Let's play a game of screw a child. No R. Kelly.

LeBlaknmil
Gonna'reeah
Wii'pop Champane
Jaiizee
Betada-Yontada Say
Birfcontral
Nuvo
Randim
Biore
Twitta

That's all I got right now. I should probably make a run to Popeyes for inspiration. I'm playing: I really just want some chicken strips and a biscuit with grape jelly and/or honey. But I bet if I go on Tuesday when it's the two piece special for .89 cents, I'll get some good names.

I know you want to play along, so come on. :) And if have have some names, please pass them along to me.

By the way, noot to be stereotypical, but Sjondarian is currently in custody. I'm just saying...

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 10 Comments

11:50 AM


I Jig, Not Jerk

 



I heard about this dance while out at happy hour with a friend on Sunday. Before you even say it: Shocker that a discussion about a dance that looks like this came about in the presence of alcohol.

I know I make it a habit to at least be aware of every new retarded dance that's out, but I don't like this one at all.

1. I'm too tall for all of that. I don't mind getting low, but my body is not a homemade trampoline. Either we're going to drop it low, pick it real slow, or maybe even drop it, pick it up, then drop it again. But when you're asking me to drop it, stay there, then move around like I'm going through an invisible obstacle course, we have a problem.

2. There is no jig in this dance. This made me suspicious that the dance is not based in the South. That's also a problem, because well, our ign't dances are better than yours. They just are. You know it. I know it. That's why you always end up doing ours while we refused to chicken noodle soup. We only did the lean back while we waited for the bartender to hurry up with our drink.

3. The beat sucks. Another sign that this didn't originate in the South. Judging from the comments, this may have come out of the Midwest. I have friends from the Midwest, so I'll play nice. I will say, though, this is not what's up. At all.

4. Why is it called the jerk? Isn't that something our parents or young grandparents used to dance to? If I saw my mama sneaking off to do this, I refuse. Then again, they're not going to play this in Houston, which means I'll be spared when I make a trip home.

5. It looks like you have to wear skinny jeans to do this dance. So between joining a yoga class just to get flexible enough to do half those stretches involved in the dance, I have to choke my balls out. Hell nawl, ya'll.

This is exactly why someone needs to tell me who came up with dance #18 of the Dallas boogie, the Bobby V. A friend told me about on Saturday, but I haven't been able to find a video on YouTube.

Someone help me out. Look at the title of this entry again. I can't do this jerk stuff.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 3 Comments

Monday, March 16, 2009
4:52 PM


Let Them Breathe

 

It only takes about an hour to surf the web to get the sense that the internets is full of embittered jackasses. What I didn’t know is that I seem to follow all of the same sites that they do.

Over the weekend while in search of stories for the paying gigs I came across an article about a celebrity and in the comments section someone wrote, “Bitch die already!!!!”

Yikes. Really? Is it that tight on you that you wish them dead?

Now, I’ve been tempted to ask a person, “Why aren’t you dead yet once?” however that’s different: He was a relative, and one who brings a lot of misery into people’s lives. My comment is equally in poor taste, but my anger stemmed from something personal. I’m not asking essentially a stranger to drop dead because I can’t stomach the site of them.

And this actually isn’t the first time I’ve seen that. I’ve peeped it online through blogs and message boards for a long time, but for some reason or the other it stuck out to me over the weekend.

When you want to wish a person dead for gracing the cover of a magazine, or starring in a movie that you didn’t put any money in, or releasing the wrong single, you need to call 1-800-MyAss-IsCrazy. I’m not sure if that’s a real number, but if it isn’t, I’ll try to set that up and take phone calls after 9 p.m.

No really, go hug someone or at the very least, turn on CNN or MSNBC (or Fox News, if you must – but I’m judging you) and send that negative energy to the people that might turn America into a Chinese flea market.

I admittedly am not the best person to talk about ways of dealing with stress, but if you’re feeling a certain kind of way, let’s do this together:

Ideally, I wanted to post a clip of Whitley Gilbert saying, “Relax, Relate, Release.”

Yeah, couldn’t find it so this will have to do. I actually liked this song anyway. Enjoy and stop trying to kill folks. 

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 0 Comments

2:52 PM


Kid Fierce

 


Judging from some of the comments I've read in recent months, there are a few readers here who seem to have a problem with 'the ghey.' Being the kind gent I am, instead of being mindful of some people's sensitivities (or prejudices) and avoiding the topic at all cost, I'd rather post pictures like this and cause some to go blind -- or at least cockeyed for an hour or so.

Anyhow, Beyonce has finally landed the cover of Vogue. I don't read Vogue, but I know only the White House and broadcast television best this magazine in the age old American pastime, "Who Wants to Avoid A Negro?" So, two back-to-back Black covers is a big deal, so go you, Beyonce.

Now that we've gotten that out of the way, this post isn't really about her. It's about the kid who clearly stole her shine in the above shot.

Lil' homie is giving it, ain't he? I didn't even notice Beyonce at first. Folks can keep pretending gay people weren't invented until 1996, but there's no way you can convince me that "bitch please, this is my shot" posture isn't innate. Not every gay is that way, but I don't expect this kid to get married to a woman and coach his son's football team -- although he may have tackled a Keri Hilson fan recently.

Here's an excerpt from the article:
As the kids are being put through their paces by a choreographer, Beyoncé makes a surprise entrance in a full-length purple gown. It slowly dawns on them that Beyoncé is standing right in front of them, and their faces are like little contained explosions. One of the only boys, Chris, actually fans his face with his hands as if he is about to faint.
Who wants to guess which kid is Chris?

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 5 Comments

Thursday, March 12, 2009
2:15 PM


Help Me: Keri Hilson

 

Dear Michael,

I am so excited about my album dropping. I'm very proud of it. I can't wait for the world to hear it. I'm a musical flower child and I'm so glad the world will finally get to learn that when they hear In A Perfect World...in stores, thank you. Not an advanced copy or some bootleg zip file of tracks. The real thing! Like for real, for real.

I was beginning to think Polow and Tim were going to have to beg Jesus to jump on a track for the label to get a set release date, but finally I'm here!

There's one problem, though.



I'm sure you've heard about it by now, but let me just reiterate: I was not talking about Beyonce or Ciara, or Keyshia Cole, or Rihanna. I was talking about my haters in general. But no one believes me! I don't understand why.



Oh...that. What?! I was only explaining that they took me off the "Love In This Club" remix for Beyonce and that she doesn't write her everything she touches. It's not like I came out and said the bitch ain't God. They asked a question, and I answered it.

"Check the credits hoe?" I mean, my name isn't even there on "Love In This Club" remix so why would I be talking about Beyonce then, huh, huh, huh? Oh...the go have some babies thing.

You know, that could be about any singer with a uterus.


Alright, so I laughed at that a little bit when I saw it on the blogs, but I swear I wasn’t talking about Beyonce.



OK, so I laughed at that, too. But I’m not talking about her.

Or Ciara. See: These bloggers got my homeboy mad at me. I tried to explain to her that it wasn’t like that, but ya’ll have her thinking I’m dissing her.

It’s not like I made this:

I snickered a little bit, but hey, it's funny!

I don’t want a stan war.

That’s just not good for business. And it doesn’t seem to be too safe either.

Who is he and why doesn’t he need a permit to go on YouTube?

I don't need this pressure. How can I fix this before the record label changes its mind again?

Keri

P.S. Are you gonna buy my album?

---

Dear Keri,

You coming at Beyonce is like David vs. Goliath, Nicky vs. Paris, Tia vs. Tamera, or Janet vs. Rebe.

Oh, wait you weren’t talking about Beyonce or Ciara? Uh huh. Sure.

I aint tryna start no mess, it's just something on my chest that I need to get off 'Cause You turnin me off.

Your Vision cloudy if you think that you the best.
You can dance, she can sing but need to move it to the left.
She need to go have some babies, she need to go sit down, she fading... .

That could have been anyone. Monifah, Athena Cage, the really light skinned girl from Shades, the girl who clowned your dress back in 4th grade…who knows, right?

Stop. You’re a writer, but you’re writing for Britney Spears and Mary J. Blige, not Stevie Wonder. The lyrics aren’t that clever. We can figure it out.

You say you read the blogs so you know no one thought you were talking about Rihanna or Keyshia Cole. Everyone assumed it was Beyonce, Ciara, or both. Most figured Beyonce based on the fading and baby lines.

I saw that video before you took it down. You waited until the very last second to mention Beyonce’s name as if you forgot she wasn't the main name thrown around.

You didn’t like being replaced on the “Love In This Club” remix and you wrote the verse Beyonce sang. She wasn’t credited for it and neither were you. The song itself flopped. Consider yourself lucky.

I’m sure it was Polow Da Attention Whore who told you this would be a great idea, but yeah, it wasn’t. I tend to think R&B beef is corny, but if you’re gonna Sisqo yourself, you might as well go all the way with it.

Which brings me to your second problem: You come out swinging and then you back down.

You did this for a few seconds of attention, and when you get it, you play coy. What was the point?

If you’re gonna come out talking noise but want to be vague enough to not answer for it, do yourself a favor and don't say anything that will lead to people drawing conclusions.

Coming at people seemingly unprovoked calling them hoes isn’t going to do much good for an artist who took like 17 tries to get one hit.

Here’s what you should do:

1. File a restraining order against that dude in the YouTube video. He looks dangerous.

2. Stop listening to Polow.

3. Put your album on sale for like 7.99. It’s a recession.

4. Try and see if you can still get that opening spot on the Sasha Fierce tour. Yeah, we know you were trying to get put on.

5. Hope Ciara doesn’t have roid rage.

Good luck with that album.

Michael

P.S. This is Beyonce’s response:

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 12 Comments

12:40 AM


Huh?

 

Was checking the comments and came across this post:
your gay counterparts sure like to throw around "passing judgement" and the like rhetoric. Sure he can lend his house knowing that his house can turn into a future crime or any other unsavory act could take place. Rhianna made the choice to go, just as she is free to make the choice to go back to Chris (or her abuser if that how you want to refer to him) Ellen should be the last one talking about choices unless she wants mainstream people to more vocal about her "choices" smh
I'm confused.

No shit Rihanna has free will to be a punching bag, and duh, muthafucka, Diddy can do what he wants with his house.

I thought I made the point about choices clear the first time. What I was talking about had to do with Diddy Puff and other men accused of domestic violence brushing off the entire incident - a crime, no less - as something common, thereby passing it off as something acceptable when it's not.

The fact is, yet again, 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence at some point in their lives. Describing a woman getting beaten from head to toe, bitten, and choked out unconscious as a "situation" only further perpetuates the notion that such violent attacks against women is merely a fact of life.

Now do I have to Chris Brown a bitch to drive that point on or just use smaller words? If it sounds like I'm speaking down to you, smile -- I am. I normally hate the idea of turning my nose up at people, but dammit, some people need to donate their brain cells to folks that actually want to evolve.

As for the comments about "gay counterparts:" What does that have to do with anything? How can you equate accepting domestic violence with accepting homosexuality, or as you put it, the choice to deal with bigots on a daily?

How does one relate to the other?

And I'm sure Ellen being a multi-millionaire with a successful daytime talk show (we all know how easy it is to have one of those), endorsement deals, and a big following, gay, straight, Black, white, rhythm and rhythm-deficient alike is really hurting for acceptance right now.

FYI, you being here is like the KKK making BET.com its homepage.

P.S. 'Preciate ya, homie for giving me something to post about even if it was related to some ole bullshit.

Labels:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 1 Comments

Wednesday, March 11, 2009
2:45 AM


DJ, Don't Ya Play That Song

 


I don't even know why I pretend I'm going to stop talking about Chrianna. I'm not lying when I say these two are starting to irk the hell out of me, but this story is getting more and more ridiculous by the day. What is this nonsense about them two working together on a new song?

On what planet do they think this is a smart career move? Where are Rihanna's corporate pimps? Blowing Chris Brown and buying him ice for his knuckles? This isn't 2008 where a song with the Princess of Pop and the Prince of Pop Lock would shoot up the charts and give little tweens cavities. It's a new year and a fresh police report. This all sounds like bad business -- at least on Rihanna's end.

She's pissing off the population of her fan base who uses spray tan. Isn't that the bulk of her audience? She's acting like a sakiewinkie.

Hey, did I use that term correctly? If not, gimme some better Bajan-speak to use for future posts, please.

It's bad enough Rihanna has ignored my suggestion to call up some of her Bajan brethren and put a root on Chris Brown. Now she decides to listen to one of the most attention starved producers of all time (that would be Polow The Shit Starter) and record a song together.

I don't want to hear that.

Top ten things I'd rather listen to an apology record from a singing goat (although I bahhhhh with her now) and a dude who sounds like his balls still don't drop:

1. Listen to old people with asthma have sex.

2. Listen to Tone Loc sing "Touch My Body."

3. Listen to LaToya Jackson's country album.

4. Listen to Ja Rule post 2001.

5. Listen to Frankie sing "One Sweet Day."

6. Listen to Foxy Brown talk about an album we know is never coming out at length.

7. Listen to that narrator from Harlem Heights repeat the phrase "my crew" over and over again.

8. Listen to "Swagger Like Us" for the millionth time.

9. Listen to the crazy homeless man down the street explain to me how capitalism, Flintstone vitamins, and the color purple are destroying the world.

10. Listen to a Chris Brown apologist.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 1 Comments

1:21 AM


Not Anymore

 



I like LeToya Luckett, mainly because she's from Hiram Clarke, and since we're from the same hood, I have to support my own. That doesn't mean I like all of ya'll from there, but if you're trying to do something with yourselves, I won't knock you...unless your hustle is illegal or a sign that you suck at life.

Having said that, though I like the idea of the video, I'm not really sure how it fits with the song. Or maybe it's not supposed to. It's possible that their intention is to get us to focus on how pretty LeToya looks and make it known that she is a singer and actress. If so, mission accomplished.

I'm not entirely sure how well this song will do, though. Ne-Yo the Negro songs all sound the same and this falls right into the same format of "Take A Bow," and the 90 other songs exactly like it. Then again, people apparently like being sold the same thing other and other again, so maybe all the song needs a good push from her label.

When I first heard "Not Anymore" I didn't really feel any particular way about it. Then I heard it again a few weeks ago and started to like it more.

What makes the song for me is LeToya Luckett's voice. She sounds so much better than she used to. Don't ya'll doubt the power of a throat lozenger, ya'll.

I'm really hoping her second album is better than the first. I like "Torn," loved "She Don't," but it gets foggy after that. The album was solid and had a few decent tracks, but didn't offer anything all too memorable. I'm noticing that's a challenge for 17 members of Destiny's Child.

Each are talented, but when it comes to offering something really substanial, they're very hit and miss. That stems from their need to stick with whatever is popular at the moment. This video is an example of such given everyone and their little sister is playing off the 60s/Motown theme.

And obviously, some people have noticed.

Via Solange's Twitter:
i remember being n Idaho 4 years ago, pulling out all my old Martha& the Vandellas, Marvelettes and Supremes records,coming up with a vision wanting to create a new age 60's girls group and modernize it. started working on soul-angel finding 2 girls and watching old shows. this was before amy winehouse so people thought i was truly bugging out. i did i decided wiith the two girls..watched about 25 old shows of all the girl groups and asking my sis to help me come up with moves ( she had just done dreamgirls) worked my but off on references...after i did i decided alot of folks were digging it but alot of folks thought were confused about "the look" now every which a way i turn..everyone is in a 60's girl group reference. its like traditional r&b again to do the 60's sound, look ect.
The video premiered today, and Solange twitters every other second. Is it merely a coincidence or is little sister talking slick? FYI, neither one of them are the first to theme a video around Motown, girl groups, and the 60s, and splattering a bunch of Civil Rights activists pictures in the background as you shimmy and two-step changes that.

Not to mention Solange is about as original as a gay Beyonce fan. LeToya is trying, and if Solange is allowed to try, try, and try again with ideas not as fresh as the self-appointed taste makers would have you believe they are, I don't see the harm.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 4 Comments

12:00 AM


Ellen Knows

 



I've started to notice a pattern. Every man that has tried to either excuse Chris Brown's actions, or at the very least downplay them, are men accused of domestic violence themselves. Puff Puff, T.I., Mekhi Phifer, and Terrance Howard have all been rumored to channel their inner Chris Brown in one of their respective relationships at some point. I don't know how true that is for each person, but it speaks volumes to hear people refer to violence acts as nothing more than "situations" as the proceed to try and rationalize domestic violence.

And the only male celebrities to come out and speak out against violence or Chris Brown have either back tracked and asked the public to show mercy, or release a publicist-approved statement running the hell away from their original criticism.

That's why I'm so glad Ellen took Diddy Puff to task. Puffy is right when he says he can use his house as he pleases -- even if that means lending his residence knowing it could possibly turn into a future crime scene. I don't pay the mortgage, so it's nothing to me. However, I'm really sick of people throwing around these nonsense about "throwing stones" and passing judgment.

You can tell by his reaction that Puffy was angry with Ellen, but I'm so glad she brought it up. No man should beat on a woman in that way. If she hit him, she was wrong, too, but c'mon -- unless she had a blade to his sac, I'm inclined to think she didn't pose that great a threat to him.

I highly doubt Piff Puff of all people would be so forgiving if the battered woman in question were one of his two beautiful young girls. Puffy doesn't even like it when you step up to him (Hi, Aubrey). I can only imagine how he would act if you come out of pocket to one of his daughters.

I'm really bothered by the lackadaisical attitude so many - particularly Black people - are having towards the whole thing. Stop saying "we don't know the whole story." I know the end result. People like Diddy are passing this off as common, and thus acceptable. That's got to stop.

And for those who feel I and others are too hard on The Belligerent Beige Man, please look again:


This pop locking p--sy looks really remorseful. Unfortunately, I can see why he has not a care in the world. He's rich, and evidently has enough power over Rihanna to the point he can beat and cheat on her and she's still willing to help him get over.

This, along with the blame the victim attitude, our collective incessant need to rationalize violence, and society's deep seated hatred of women is exactly why 1 in 4 of them will experience domestic violence at some point in his life.

Sure, I can pray for these people who commit the crimes...but it would be a lot better if I could pray for them while they're in jail.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 6 Comments

Tuesday, March 10, 2009
12:01 AM


He Looka Like A Shim

 



Enough people will be clowning Mariah playing the hood chick J. Lo did about seven years ago, so there's no point in me focusing on that. I think the homie captures my sentiments brilliantly when she says Mariah looks like Jasmine from The Boondocks. Since that's now out of the way, we can focus on the star of the show.

There's something different about The Dream's face. I've long pointed out that he looks like a Teddy Graham, but that's not the only thing different about it. I couldn't put my finger on it for the longest and then it hit me once I watched this video: His face reminds me of a lesbian.

Well, let me clean that up: Not all lesbians, just studs. You know, chicks with the bald fade who fool you up until you notice they are a D cup. That's what Mr. Mrs. Teddy Graham reminds me of. After I told people I definitely got called a couple of names - most centering on being crazy and foolish - but I'm so serious about this.

And get this, he's not the only one, ya'll.

Look at Big Mike in the back. He looks like he can spit "Sock It 2 Me" word for word. And check out Willie's expression. I wonder if he's thinking, "I ain't too sure about Mike." Que is too busy frowning in Aubrey's direction to notice.

There are others, like Clay Aiken, though I refuse to post his picture. It's getting late, and who wants that kind of nightmare.

Alright, ya'll, time to say your piece. Am I the only one noticing this or do I need to lay down and stay there? I know some of you will be saying the latter just because. That ain't right.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at 8 Comments