The Cynical Ones

Moving Along, Ya'll

2009-10-06T20:12:00.003-04:00

Should I have done this correctly in six seconds you'll be redirected to the new home of the blog. If not, please clown me on Twitter for not knowing what the hell I'm doing.

Tell Me (Said w/ a Dru Hill Jump)

2009-10-01T12:59:00.005-04:00

1. What in the fuck did she just say?

2. Why can Fabolous top the charts on Twitter but not Billboard?

3. Why would anyone want to read 400 pages of Sarah Palin talking about herself?

4. Why does it look like they almost forgot to include Lamar Odum in the shot?

5. Should I be happy that isn’t an Obama Liquor Store or an Obama Fried Chicken franchise?

6. Does blame on GM’s closure of Saturn fall on Moesha Mitchell?

7. Did you get the slight urge to hit him after watching this?

8. When will Whitney Houston fans admit that it’s not all Bobby Brown’s fault?

9. Why does Britney Spears have one let alone two greatest hits collections?

10. Who else misses this ‘first beginning’ version of Keyshia Cole?

11. When did Eddie Griffin get a reality show and why?

12. Why didn’t any of ya’ll tell me about The Noisettes?

13. Will skinny jeans cause a nationwide shortage of Black sperm?

KELLY__ROWLAND OK. So, I'm at the MoBo's and getting ready to have a GREAT show with David and the MoBo's F'd my sound up!!!!! PISSED!!!!!
KELLY__ROWLAND HONESTLY, that just makes me work harder! But, what I will say is the MoBo's owe me an apology!!!! I was LIVID after the show!

KELLY__ROWLAND I wanted you guys to be the 1st to hear it from me! rehearsals. were fine. soundcheck. was fine. performance, wad a struggle at 1st

KELLY__ROWLAND But, I got through it!!!!!!!! So-----It happens! The next show will be Better!--------TRUST!!!!!!!!!

14. But doesn’t she always sound like that?

15. Finish this sentence: If I were this dress in public I would be called _________?

16. Why won’t you all let Oprah’s long, flowing and real hair be great?

17. Anyone else waiting for Alicia Keys to cover "Woman to Woman?"

18. Is he serious?

19. Instead of spending $100 million on trying to get the 2016 Olympics, can the city of Chicago boost their school budgets so we might not have to see videos of children being beaten to death on the street anymore?

20. Is it a requirement for celebrities to join Twitter and undo all of the work of their publicists?

Shake It Fast...But Watch Ya Self

2009-09-29T12:25:00.002-04:00

When the wife’s away her panties come into play.

Just in case you feel the lines have been too blurred thanks to daytime TV and or your own battles with cataracts there is in fact a tree stump lurking in those satin black undies.

Unfortunately for this naughty vixen Victor’s Secret has been revealed.

If you’re wondering who this person dressed like Madea’s sassy little sister is, say hello to East Cleveland Mayor Eric Brewer.

This tall glass of sweat tea now finds himself in political danger in lieu of these photos leaking shortly before a primary election.

Naturally, it’s everyone else’s fault these pictures leaked.

I don’t think anyone forced him to go through his wife’s side of the drawer and channel Trina’s “Look Back At It,” do you?

If Mayor Brewer likes to play peak-a-boo with his disposable digital camera that’s his business, but he and other cross-dressing politicians might want to invest in a safe…or a sketch artist.

Tyson Would Top Obama

2009-09-28T21:49:00.002-04:00

If you asked most heterosexual black men which man would they bed if forced to chances are you’d get as warm a response as Karrine Steffans at an NBA wives meeting.

Yet there is one man ‘brave’ enough to answer the question without interjecting the words pause and no homo into the equation: Tyson Beckford.

He probably doesn’t mind entertaining the question given that as a male model most people think he spends his half his days close to his ankles anyway.

Nevertheless Tyson could’ve easily ducked the question and denied Bravo host Andy Cohen’s request for a chocolate-flavored wet dream.

And now some are wishing he did.

Like most of you, I didn’t need the image of Tyson topping President Obama in my mind. Granted, it sounds like that idea had been floating in his head for a second, but aren’t some of you riled about this video a little pressed?

You all do realize that Barack Obama was created in the early 1960s by Ann Dunham and Barack Obama, Sr. and not God three days after Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, correct? People say crass things about presidents all the time.

When people used to speak of bumping bushes with President Bubba, I vomited in my mouth and moved on. Try it.

As nasty as Tyson's scenario was (that is, unless you’re into that sort of thing) it could’ve been worse: He could’ve said he wanted a three way with Frankie and Dick Cheney.

There now your stomach is curving like Andy in his seat during this segment.

Do The Libby Leg!

2009-09-27T15:37:00.005-04:00

That's not exactly what the dance is called, but doesn't that sound catchy? If not, it's a pretty close second to its real name -- the Liberian Whop.

I discovered this dance after checking out Quddus' blog, The Q Side.

The dance itself reminds me of something I would do outside of a closed bathroom door when I had to pee as a child. There's also elements of moves I'm sure somebody's uncle (who prefers you call him something like "Jet" or "Sweet Uncle...") will be doing once your auntie's start trying to do the "Single Ladies" routine after that extra shot of Wild Turkey on Thanksgiving.

That said, I'd probably still do this dance on a public sidewalk if you took me to a good enough Happy Hour.

It looks a lot less complicated than jerking. And the Liberian Whop doesn't require that I wear nut hugging pants that will kill any viable chance of me having children. I'd bust my ass trying to do what they're doing in this video at the club anyway. All that bouncing around and shit. The hell I look like pretending hard wood floors are the trampoline remix?

The worst the Whop can do is maybe have me inadvertently bump my knees together. Thus, we have a winner in the Whop, folks.

I like to think that I'm going to end up international so as soon as I score that show, top-selling book, and Oprah's touch so I'm going to need to be able to fly around the world be prepared to be regionally dance friendly.

Now I've looked at my Statcounter and I've noticed I have regular visitors from Romania and Malaysia. Also parts of the Caribbean, Asia, and countries my old geography teachers would be ashamed of me for never having heard of. How do ya'll jig over there? Please send me videos and educate me.

Videos excluding porn, of course. I've noticed quite a few of my random Iranian visitors only come for the site looking for Beyonce or Britney Spears porn. That or monkey sex between Sarah Palin and Big Red (yes, Kool-Aid). Nasty, nasty.

Anyhow, I think it's only right that I start incorporating international jigs onto the blog. I remember posting about some U.K. dance that basically encouraged migraine headaches. While it may not be my kind of jig, I don't mind sharing it with ya'll.

Send me more gems like this, please. It's time that we all share the wealth. "Houston, Atlanta, Brooklyn to New Orleans" can't do all of the work.

Mama, I Need A Career Planner

2009-09-27T00:41:00.006-04:00

I know I can't be the only one who looked at this trailer and took it as a cry for help.

I get the sense that some of you feel as though I've been harsh on Ciara in recent months. The anonymous reader who called me an embittered homosexual for my last post, "Help Me: Ciara," tipped me off. Next thing you know someone's going to say Jesus doesn't like me anymore and that Mohammad will be waiting for me outside the club next weekend to whoop my punk ass.

Instead of someone asking why I go so hard on Ciara shouldn't folks start asking why she makes it so easy?

Take this trailer for Mama, I Want To Sing for example. Now I'm certain in Ciara's mind she thought her first starring role in a feature film would place her alongside the other singers who really have no business acting. I seriously don't want to put a damper on her triple threat ambitions, but who is advising her on her prospective film career? Taimak?

I get the fact that the original play the film is based on is highly popular, but somewhere along the way during shooting it had to have dawned on Ciara that something wasn't right. I don't even think Bookman from Good Times would do this movie. You can tell there's a lot wrong with this film based on the trailer.

Like the younger version of the main character having a better voice than that of the adult. How is the movie going to start off with the little girl blowing her grown self out of the water? Where do they do that at? If the character's vocal abilities were going to peak before puberty perhaps the movie should be renamed Mama, I Want To Go To College.

Oddly enough, I don't fault Lynn Whitfield and Patti Labelle for signing up for this film. I write a blog called The Recession Diaries, so I stay up on economic news -- even Lady Marmalade isn't turning as many tricks as she used to. I'm not mad, Patti. I'm not mad at all. Things haven't been right for your acting career since Out All Nite was canceled anyway. I personally still find it to be a great injustice.

Yet while Patti and Lynn get the OK for anything that pays Ciara, on the other hand, should've known better. The same can be said for Billy Zane. How does one go from starring alongside Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in Hollywood blockbusters to co-starring in straight-to-DVD films with Juanita Bynum and Ciara?

God be an answer to that riddle.

As it turns out the premiere of this film was supposed to be last night. Guess what? It got abruptly canceled due to technical difficulties...whatever that means. You know, if it were me I'd go ahead and put on my nicest pair of sweats, head over to the spiffiest Walmart I could find and snap a picture of myself holding the DVD near the clearance bin. Then after that I'd go home, hack my imdb page and delete any listing with my name attaching me to the project.

Ciara, please go find someone who's going to go to bat for you. Otherwise you'll be lucky if you can star in Bring It On 45. Or better yet go work on a follow-up album that will shut people like me up. This ain't it.

No.

2009-09-24T13:33:00.002-04:00

I'm not one to tell a person to give up on their dreams, but do ya'll know anyone out there hiring? I have a friend in my head who might need to look into a new career path.

When I first heard this song I thought it was great. Upon additional listens I thought it was alright, but wasn't going to make that much noise. After this video, I'm wondering why Def Jam just didn't give this video's budget to me. If they're going to waste money on some random effort why not send me the cash? At least I'm going to be successful.

I really don't like taking shots at Amerie. She's pretty, intelligent, and seems genuinely dedicated to improving as an artist. Yet...she doesn't' seem to get it. The video itself is nice. As always, Amerie is visually stunning and the video itself is put together well, but this isn't what people want from Amerie.

I'm going to keep saying it until artists start listening to me: Know your lane.

Amerie - like so many other singers before her - have fallen into the unfortunate belief that everyone has to be a superstar.

Her debut album continues to be one of the best R&B albums of the decade. She should've stuck with the sound that worked for and been content with the niche she carved. It's why artists like Maxwell can take 19-year-old breaks and come back and still sell without topping the Billboard Hot 100 and why you forget about artists like Ashanti three weeks after their first unsuccessful single.

Can someone pass this message to her and other decent tone yet vocally inconsistent rhythm-challenged singers:

There's only one spot right now for a girl who fits that category so repeat after me: Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh. Now go find someone else to be. Try yourself, because looking like Lady GaGa's late cousin isn't it.

But gon' head, Amerie, keep doing what you doing even though you should know it won't do nothing for you. Said with love, of course.

Why Didn't He Interrupt Me Last Week?

2009-09-24T05:12:00.004-04:00

Disclaimer: If this is your first time reading this here blog, I politely ask that you skip this post and proceed to reading the entries below. I don't need newbies thinking this blog is my fake ass diary. Thank you. -- Mgt.

I could learn a thing or two from Kanye West. That is, lessons outside of the importance of accessorizing, embracing color, and "giving face."

I've always chalked up his "I'm greater than thou" shtick as nothing more than the overcompensating ways of a person harboring deep seated insecurities. That could very well be true, but my overly critical ass negated one important fact: Those antics actually work.

I, however, did not last Friday.

I came to LA this year to make a full fledged effort in pursuing my screenwriting dreams. In addition to reaching out to people who may be able to provide insight and/or point me in a helpful direction I applied to nearly every writing program imaginable.

Each broadcast network offers some sort of writing program. They’re a great way for aspiring writers to get that all important in. That is, an in that doesn’t require giving your jaws any weight training.

Over the past few weeks I learned that I was a semi-finalist for one of these said programs. And more recently, I was alerted that I advanced to the final round of applicants. That required me to come in for a sit down interview and sell myself on why I deserved to be in this program.

Now, I typically do well interviews…or I at least I used to think I did.

Last Friday proved that I am not up on game the way I used to be. I went in there confident. I just knew I would seal the deal. Make my way. Kick off 2010 the way I longed to.

None of that happened and it’s my own fault.

Basically: I didn't sell myself. More specifically: "Own the fact that you're a good writer and belong in a writer's room."

As I was talking Friday I couldn’t believe the nonsense coming out of my mouth.

Had you heard me speaking you would've looked at me like:

As soon as I left the interview I was wondering what in the hell did I just say.

Thankfully, the program runner - who I reached out to previously before this program's deadline - waited last to call me to explain exactly why I didn't make the final cut.

I didn't appear confident enough in my talent as a writer and overall comedic sensibilities. It was almost like this program was mine to lose...and I did by failing to prove that I belonged.

I have been getting on God’s nerves for weeks asking to be placed in this program knowing good and well he has more important things to do – like mopping up Atlanta.

But in hindsight, God had already given me a gift everything I needed to get in. I didn’t take ownership of the talent, abilities, and potential that I've been blessed with. Because of that I failed to attain something I desperately wanted.

Screenwriting is new territory for me. I’ve had no formal training and over time I’ve developed an anxiety about it. I come from an editorial background and with the exception of participating in a comedy writing program with Chris Rock and Comedy Central three years ago I essentially had to teach myself how to write in this format.

Why I allowed myself to become that pressed about it is beyond me. I've never placed that much emphasis into formal training. I appreciate my college experience for what it was, but I think I grew more as a writer by simply sitting down and reading good writing -- and of course actually spending time writing.

Now if I thought that in college why all of a sudden did I have a hang up about not taking Screenwriting 101?!

Instead of owning the fact that my very first spec got me in the second round of national film competition (of 4,000 applicants only 10% made it that far) and as a finalist for a network writing program I sat there looking antsy as hell.

I know I don't suck as a writer. I know that I'm funnier than the average credit score from The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I'm a non-threatening black man.

It was all there...wrapped with a pank ribbon (I wore pank to the interview...pause yourself). Yet I didn't seal the deal.

And now, I have to go back to square negative seven. In the end, I'll be fine. Better than fine. Yadda, yadda, bullshit.

As much as I hate losing, I can take something out of this experience. For so long I fought so hard to never appear cocky that I in turn started to seem insecure to some people.

That’s not who I am and that’s certainly not what I want to project to others. I've reflected on words shared to me this week and come to realize I may seem a little anxious or green to those who don't know me.

Even when I pitch pieces, while I know that I'll deliver good copy I'm not always certain I sell it as well as I'll ultimately turn it in. This is not good for a writer with ambition like mine.

I'm glad the program runner (who is lovely) said to me: "I believe in your talent, you're truly a funny guy and good writer."

Far too many of my friends say I never give myself enough credit. It’s time to admit that it’s valid criticism. I'm disappointed that I didn't appear to be sure of myself. I know that I'm a good writer. I need to be proud of what I've accomplished in 9 months.

Ugh, I sound like I wrote this post after a eating a fortune cookie. If you follow me on Twitter then you know how much I loathe schmaltzy stuff. Forgive me for sounding like a Hallmark card.

For this post, though, it seems a bit necessary to prove my overall point: Don't be anxious about your gifts. You'll only do yourself in.

I did and now I have to work that much harder to find another opportunity to advance.

Hopefully that day will come soon and I will embrace my inner Kanye and learn to smize in interviews. I still don't know what happened last week. I went in there grinning then all of a sudden became possessed by the spirit of a loserbitch. Maybe someone put a root on me? (Ciara, I see you.)

As much as I hate learning a lesson like this at this stage in my career it’s something I needed to finally grasp so that it will never happen again. I'll see to it that it won't. I got student loans to pay off. Hangups don't keep Sallie Mae away.

Thank you for indulging me in this rant.

Feel free to send your connections to literary agents, development executives, and showrunners below.

Excuse Ya'll

2009-09-22T12:52:00.004-04:00

You know, I'm starting to become disappointed in some of my family and friends. Oh, and ya'll, too, readers. You all are just as guilty as the ones I know personally.

Now, let me explain again how this here thing works: We are in the circle of foolishness. That means if you know of something ign't, you share it with me. If some of ya'll can email me about promoting PETA, body spray, and Amerie scratching her head certainly you can keep me up with the latest dances.

I'm out here in Cali, folks. They don't dance. They two step and body roll after two over priced drinks 15 minutes before the club lets out at 12:45. That is, unless you're at a hood spot and quite frankly, I only go to hood spots if they're in my hood or in a hood I'm familiar with. I haven't reached that point with LA yet. I'm liable to get shot up by Barney and raped by Baby Bop for wearing the wrong shade of purple around here.

Besides, I jig, I'on (yes I'on) jerk. That means my people - particularly you, my southern brethren - have to keep me current. I can't keep calling my younger brother and niece for the scoop. If I ask my niece about all the new dances when I call her though she may tell me I have to maintain the image that education comes first. Well, first I tell her she's the most beautiful girl in the world and then I tell her to read a book. You get what I'm saying, though.

That said, this dance is "new" to me but not to Dallas, Houston and surrounding jiggable metropolitan areas. A friend from home told me about it last night on the phone. Naturally, as she was still talking I Googled "Party Boys Flex" and found the above video within seconds.

Search game proper.

Like the dances before it I see that it's essentially the movements of a retarded homosexual. Obviously, that doesn't bother me. I'm half way there anyway.

Upon further research (i.e. another quick Google search) I found the mp3. This song came out 8 days after my birthday....in April.

This would have been a perfect post-b-day gift. I'm about to send out a mass text message (including my mama, who informed me about the Halle Berry), but let me also remind each of you who enjoys this blog that we needn't let this happen again.

I am now 25. That means while I can still twirk (a few months ago a friend challenged me to a twirk off, she had body aches the next day) we don't know how long my knees are going to last. I messed them up a couple of years ago from running and haven't checked them out due to me losing health insurance in April.

Unless Obama and Congress get it together, my dreams of dropping it well into my 80s could be dashed. I have to make sure I live up to my prime jiggable years while I still have them.

So when you discover something new, you have to send it to me. I will forgive everyone this time, but don't let it happen again.

Now go think about what you've done...then go flex your guilt away.

Me Time

2009-09-22T10:53:00.002-04:00

So Monet from the blog, Style & Substance, did an interview with yours truly. She's a trooper because I took CP time to a new level with answering her questions. I still feel bad about it, but thankfully, she didn't curse me out about it.

Do check it out by clicking here:

Can You Jig For Jesus?

2009-09-17T08:31:00.003-04:00

I converted to what some (re: my mama and 'nem) would call heathenism years ago. It's not that I don't believe in God. It's ya'll's asses I question. I'm gonna avoid a sermon, but I do my research so when it comes to distortions of text, hypocrisies of those that do so and other little instances that tick me off, game peeps game. Well...

Yet I'm not agnostic or atheist. Quite the contrary...I believe. For example, last night as I ran through a spiffy neighborhood listening to Crime Mob I looked at the houses and thought to myself, "One day I'll be rocking my hips (then wave and sip) in front of these homes and the police won't be able to arrest me because my name will be on the deed."

And then as I ran on a main street and looked at the beautiful California sunset for one reason or another I could feel God. There has to be some force behind something so incredibly beautiful. Then I came home and discovered there was a screwed and chopped version of one of my favorite new songs, "God In Me."

I had heard of this song months ago. I honestly couldn't make out what they were saying initially. Forgive me if this is birdish, but I usually dance to a beat before I sit down and listen to the lyrics. Once I finally did pay attention to the lyrics, I wasn't mad at them.

Now that someone has screwed the song I am officially in love. If ya'll didn't know before I am from Houston and I love screw. I don't tolerate shade to screw 'neefa. I like any and everything screwed. They could screw elevator music and I would probably go off before I reach the fourth floor. In a perfect world, the corny music they play when you're placed on hold would be screwed, too.

So when you have a song like "God In Me" - which already knocks - it only goes harder when it's given that H-Town treatment.

Is it wrong to say a gospel song is my shit?

After I did the aforementioned jig to "God In Me" I had to pause (no, not like that...stop it) and ask myself did I just secure a business class ticket to hell? People seem to really get caught in arms when the pro-Jesus jiggable tracks come out.

I have to be honest: I've never been a fan of the more contemporary gospel music. They're usually like adult versions of Kid Bopz songs to me. The Frito Lay of music. That's why I usually prefer my gospel songs sounding like they came from an era where I'd be washing massa's dishes in the fall and winter and cutting his grass in the summer. But when gospel artists get going modern right, whew, they really get it right.

I can somewhat understand why some take issue with the song. When I told my friend, Brittany, that I love this song she told me that they played it during a Happy Hour she went to.
She told me the DJ said, "Aint no conflict! Aint no conflict!" After I tweeted about the song, someone hit me back with, "When I hear the song I always want to start singing, 'Blame it on the goose...'"

And it just so happens Brittany told me after the DJ played "God In Me," he played "Blame It." OK, that's just a bad segue. He could've played "Million Dollar Bill" or something then slide back into the heathen tracks. Still, I don't find the song to be all that blasphemous.

From the sweat suit to the white tee to the Gucci
You can probably say people wanna get like me

But what they don't know is when you go home
And get behind closed doors, man you hit the floor
And what they can't see is you're on you're knees
So the next time you get it just tell 'em

It's the God in me, it's the God in me

What's the problem? Folks are acting like they're singing, "My pussy so tight, my shit so clean...it's the God in me." I realize they could've made a song pointing out that our society's obsession with things is wrong, but would as many people listen? They took materialism and tied into something more. What's more than God?

I am waiting on news that's very important to me. I have been praying about it, asking others to pray for me, and trying to be as optimistic as possible. Should I get the news I'm expecting the first thing I'm gonna do is get on my knees and say thank you. I suppose that in effect is the God In Me (Goodness that's corny, but y'know what I mean).

Now, I don't completely understand how blessings work. In this song this person who has the Gucci, signing checks with a whole lot of zeros, and nice whip is attributing all that to God. There are some people dirt poor who are probably more faithful than us all that may likely die poor. Why the Gucci girl is blessed and the other person isn't, I don't quite understand. It's not necessarily for me to understand. But, what's the harm about Gucci girl passing off the praise for what she has to God...to a danceable track?

Should I hear a remix that says, "Lucifer think he so cool, he think so slick, but I'm call St. Michael and Satan gon' get clipped" I might throw Mary Mary a little side-eye action (and I still do for them likening homosexuality to murder and prostitution, but I digress).

Until then, I'm gonna jig this and be grateful someone is thanking God for their success and not Jay-Z's dick (hello, Karrine).

P.S. I jig but don't drop to this. To do the latter is begging for a meet and greet with a lightening bolt.

And can someone make an mp3 of this? Someone tried to send it to me, but it wouldn't download. Evil.

No, I Love Nippy. I Really Do

2009-09-17T08:30:00.003-04:00

When I tweeted about Whitney Houston's performance on Good Morning America, I seemed to annoy Nippy Newport fans who thought I was being too harsh on her. I can't recall what I said exactly, but it was to the effect of "Wow, she really needs to laugh off those cigarettes."

Then I was met with the, "Oh you're being too critical. That's what you critics, writers, overly opinionated relentless types do." You would have thought I said Whitney needs to be locked up for assaulting my ear drums. I said nothing of the sort, but c'mon nah, ya'll, did she sound good to that day? Most people would say that she didn't, though I wasn't willing to completely write her off as a vocalist.

She will never be able to sing the way she used to. Aging made that a guarantee; the wear and tear to her voice stemming from drug use only sped up the inevitable. It doesn't take away from her overcoming her struggles. It doesn't taint her largely well received return to music. It doesn't even knock her always consistent wig game. All it suggests is that the bulk of us probably don't want to hear her try to sing "I Will Always Love You" anytime soon.

And that's fine, so long as she can continue to deliver performances like those above. Though she doesn't do her trademark belting anymore this performance proves Whitney still has some grit to her voice. Her tone is intact although her range is obliviously shot. Much of that has to do with the fact that she smokes. Even when speaking to Oprah, while I was happy to see her be so forthright about her battle with drugs I couldn't stop thinking about how much she sounded like an ashtray.

Her charm and energy is what made her performance so enjoyable. She's able to emote and sometimes that provides a far more entertaining performance than vocal ability alone could provide. That's why I wish she had made an album more honest that dug a bit deeper. I'm not a fan of those banal ballads from the early 90s. What made those work was her vocal prowess...one that she doesn't have. Someone made a good point on Twitter yesterday (I talk about Twitter too much...I think I have a problem): Billie Holiday's voice was completely gone by the time she died, but her music worked because it allowed her to show emotion. I Look To You is a decent offering, but not as powerful as it could have been.

But as long as someone buys her a patch and forces her to go to vocal training to hone her new voice, there is hope. I love the fact that she doesn't try to guise her diminished voice with a terrible dance routine. Yes, this means you, Mimi. I loves my Mariah, but why does she insist on trying to dance? Whitney knows better, but I will say she's been lowkey getting it on stage. Kind of like your old auntie who thinks she's young and tries to learn the dances at every family get together. That's Nippy.

And of course things could be worse:

Whitney could actually look as bad as she sounded on Good Morning America (but not on Oprah). Tevin Campbell may still have his voice, but dammit if he doesn't look like Tyrone Biggum. Well, post-crack Tyrone Biggum in pre-pipe Tyrone's clothes from the '70s.

Whitney may look like a carbon copy of Auntie Dionne these days, but I'd rather look like I could predict the future for $2.99 a minute than collecting that same amount in spare change in a cup.

So I didn't mean to throw shade at Whitney for sounding the fool at GMA. I was simply being honest. She's since proven she still's better than 90% of the talk-singing tone deaf women who've come after her.

I'll just continue to miss the days where she could kill it. I hope she continues to do interviews, too. I love how she says "you know what I'm saying" so regally. She's like the classy girl in the hood. The one who sips her Kool-Aid with a straw and only eats ribs in private. I'm not mad at that at all, Nippy. Love you...even though you know damn well "rock cocaine" is crack. But hey, as long as you stop cracking during performances, I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

WHY WON'T YOU LET THE VMAS BE GREAT?!

2009-09-14T14:03:00.005-04:00

I feel bad for Janet. I can only imagine how many catfish po'boys one of my favorite people in the world passed on just to get close to her normal fighting weight in time to pay tribute to her brother. Yet despite as great a job as she did in honoring the King of Pop she's since been overshadowed by the Queen of Copping An Attitude.

Do I even have to write yet another soliloquy on why Kanye ain't shit for pulling this stunt? Like I tweeted yesterday, ya'll know how queens get about Beyonce. But let this be a lesson to you:

Brown will cause folks to frown. If I were Diddy, last nite I would've got on stage and told folks that's why ya'll shouldn't drink brown liquor as I held a bottle of Ciroc close to my heart.

Though the apology has since been taken down, at least he was quick to acknowledge his wrongdoing. Still, this really didn't change my point of view about him because of this statement:
"I'M NOT CRAZY YALL, I'M JUST REAL."

And in turn a bunch of his stans/enablers respond with, "He just said what we all were thinking."

So? That doesn't mean we should jump on stage and steal someone's moment away when we feel a certain way about it. A teenager's moment at that.

I'm really tired of people who feel they can excuse their antics by claiming to be overcome with emotion. If you have that great a problem containing yourself it's time to look into seeking professional help. Seriously. Get a hug, get some God, get a prescription -- whatever you think will prevent you from looking like an erratic jackass.

MTV Shows

'Ye's second apology is much better:

I feel like Ben Stiller in “Meet the Parents” when he messed up everything and Robert De Niro asked him to leave… That was Taylor’s moment and I had no right in any way to take it from her. I am truly sorry.

This guy is a character. But, he did say he was a pop culture enthusiast, so I'll let him be great...even though he couldn't afford Taylor that same luxury. Shade.

Speaking of shade, didn't Lil' Mama scold that tranny on Dance Bitch Dance (I don't remember the name of the show, sorry) for not being lady like? What's lady like about hopping on stage during someone else's performance like you belong?

This is probably why Bow Wow's parents left his long lost twin sister on that stoop in Brooklyn (ya'll can't convince me those two aren't related or the same person).

Now on to the people who didn't embarrass anyone.

That is, at least not for pulling any dumb moves on stage. Look, I'm not here to try and justify Lady GaGa killing a vulture and demanding that her stylist put it around her neck so wouldn't be able to move it until the next outfit change. Say what you want about her choices in fashion, but the woman can perform.

She is by far the most interesting pop start to come since Madonna. This is exactly why I blogged about her. She's refreshing. She might dress up as a pre-op tranny in a cat suit at the next big award show, but as long as she's singing, dancing, and offering an elaborate stage set up such as the one last nite I'll hand her my pair of socks.

That blood flowing from GaGa can either represent the death of Christina Aguilera's career or my interest in Britney Spears as a performer. Your choice.

As usual Beyonce killed it. I don't care if this is the millionth + seven time Beyonce has performed "Single Ladies." She continually puts her all into her stage act and is by far the best entertainer of the year. And her performance was recession-friendly. No major theatrics, no fireworks -- just hot choreography, a great face, and lots of energy.

I'm also thrilled that she continues to dispel the myth that she is the biggest bitch on Earth. I don't know why people continue to project their own insecurities onto her, but Beyonce constantly reminds people that she is a class act. It's becoming less common for videos to make a fuss in pop culture, so for "Singles Ladies" to dominate the way it did it's only right Beyonce be awarded Video of the Year.

Earlier in the night Beyonce said if she wanted any award it was that so for her to give up her time to let Taylor have her moment says a lot.

And if you don't like well, here you go.

Before we close it out:

Perez has some nerve. He spends day after day throwing salt on Beyonce's name, yet here he is in his mama's old curtains grinning like a fool when in front of her.

Where is that Tyra Banks episode of her wearing her real hair when you need? I thought this girl was making Euros now? That's OK, Kelly. I love you...even if your weave lady doesn't.

I know a Selena sequel is out of the question, but what will it take to get her back to the J.Lo of 2001?

Joe Joe, who this woman?

I initially thought Madonna's intro was a little self-indulgent, but I was honestly paying too close attention to the Tweets. Upon looking it over again, I enjoyed it and I appreciated her sharing something so personal. One thing threw me off upon the second viewing:

Yikes. I don't mind her dressing like an extra on True Blood, because all black fits the occasion, but what's good with her hands? Those are the hands of a woman who helped built the Arc. It's Madonna, though, so I suppose I'll let it slide and look away...fast.

All and all this was the best VMAs in years. I'm not sure if they'll be able to top this considering I didn't know who in the hell half the people nominated for VMAs were and I doubt MTV did either. But let's give them credit where credit is due.

Now let me stop typing before Lil' Mama shows up in my room and hops on my keyboard.

Jimmy Dean Jr.

2009-09-11T13:45:00.006-04:00

I vaguely heard about some fat kid yearning for some pork on Twitter, but it wasn't until this morning when I checked my inbox that I witnessed kirkin' Curtis.

I'm not even sure where to begin.

Curtis himself sounds old enough to have owned the first slave. Or at the very least he's old enough to know that Colonel Sanders stole his chicken recipe. Whatever century you want to place him in I think we can all agree that Captain Curt is probably shit'n on your SAT scores.

As smart as he is, his intellect doesn't excuse him being a disrespectful little child who appears to need a James Evan inspired ass whooping. I don't know how it works in bacon land, but 'round my way you don't talk to an adult like that and if you do don't be surprised that your baby teeth are on the floor and the Tooth Fairy was given the wrong directions to your pillow.

Making matters worse is that the kid is spazzing over not being able to get some bacon.

OK, so my past life as a pork-loving porker understands why he's obsessed with munching on Miss Piggy (pause...or something). But that only means it falls on the responsibility of his parents to inform him that this woman involved in the wife swap is not named Miss Millie so you shouldn't talk to her in that manner.

My friend that sent me this video pointed out that I used to eat a sausage sandwich of death myself.

Let me break that breakfast sandwich down for ya'll.

It was called the "Extreme Sausage Sandwich." It had two big sausage patties, an egg, and some cheese on a bun.

I had it without the egg as I'm not all that keen on processed mystery eggs on my sammiches.

In hindsight, I know eating that was wrong and if I continued to eat like that I'd probably be calling this blog "The Extra Large Ones."

Now if this little boy ever found out about this sandwich, what are the chances that he would try to bodyslam me for it -- then demand Jack in the Box slap six pieces of bacon on top?

That's why I hope in the long run someone educates this kid about nutrition.

It should go without saying that videos like these illustrate why America's children are heading for a life that could be best summarized by these three words: "I Be Strokin'."

Sadly, I see some people in the comments section of the site featuring this video see nothing wrong with Curtis' attitude or appetite:

Annette

Oh come on! I thought this kid was very impressive. A little bacon never hurt anyone. Give me a break, so he is a little chubby, nothing a little proportion size cutting cant fix. Balance is the key, but Damn he should be a lawyer, I thought he put up a pretty good argument and he was very tactful about it! So what! Protein isss good for you. Only a vegetarian will tell you otherwise.

Who wants to bet Annette hasn't left her couch in seven years?

Regardless of how you feel about having Porky Pig in the morning, I think we can all agree that this kid deserves his own show. I'm not quite sure if there's a tiara hiding underneath that hair of his but to be on the safe side I suggest producers have ample amounts of BLTs on set. Fat boys bring fury when there's food missing.

Never Trust A Man Who Looks Like A California Raisin

2009-09-10T03:41:00.004-04:00

Jermaine Jackson is living proof of why you should never trust a man who looks too greasy.

I think I can officially declare that he is my least favorite Jackson. Tito never hurt anyone. Katherine is too nice for words. Marlon and Randy could be the worst two people who ever walked the globe, but since I can barely remember they're alive it's hard to judge them so they get an automatic pass. Janet is everything...or at least used to be. Rebbie, well, you've heard "Centipede," haven't you?

Now LaToya is certainly an opportunist who is arguably bat shit crazy, but when you're the only Jackson born without an ounce of rhythm life has got to be rough for you. Especially when you chopped off your nose to look all fancy and end up being rumored to be a knock off version of your kid brother. She can't win, she can't break even and she can't get out of the game.

Of course, Papa Joe is first cousins with Satan so I imagine many of you are asking, "Why doesn't he top your list?" Joe is under Jermaine on the Jacked Up Jackson list because of one thing and one thing only: He's trill about his.

Joe makes it very clear that he's all about the money.

I'm sure that old Dinosaur Negro wakes up everyday singing, "C.R.E.A.M. Get the money. Dollar, dollar bill ya'll."

I may not like it, but I can appreciate that he's honest about his intentions (probably not to the tax man, though). He's a Moneysaurus Rex. Always has been. Always will be.

Jermaine, on the other hand, is acting like we can't tell his motives are rooted in his desire to boost his fledgling career.

I'm not old enough to remember Jermaine had three and a half hits and recorded with Whitney Houston. I only know those fun facts because my older sister happened to like one of his songs.

But, I've since heard while he's certainly acted as a spokesperson for the Jackson family on all issues related to Michael in years past, he was planning to release some tell-all book in which he roasted his little brother. Granted, he's got 50-11 kids to take care of, but you don't do that to family. LaToya did it, and that's why her psychic hot line failed.

The more I hear about Jermaine, the less I like him. There are stories that he harbored some deep seated jealously towards Michael. That he knocked up his brother's wife, then his wife, then his brother's wife again.

He's what the old folks would call "a nasty man." Or a dirty muthafucka...take your pick.

I was fortunate enough to be at the Michael Jackson memorial so I caught Jermaine Jackson's "tribute" to Michael.

I recall a press release saying Jermaine would "bring the house down" with is rendition of "Smile." Yeah, someone was looking to get it in. Then they released his cover on iTunes. All of that to me suggests this had more to do with Jermaine keeping up with his supply of Luster's than honoring baby brother.

And now this concert.

Of all places in the world you choose Vienna in Austria? Because you think it's a fancy city with history.

Why not keep it 100: Say these people hit you up because you're last name is Jackson and in Europe, that's an automatic winning lottery ticket. And since people are so passionate about Michael they'll do anything to honor him. You need the money, they'll give it to you. The end.

Once I found out mama Kat had an issue with Jermaine doing this concert and that Janet is reuniting with MTV to do a real tribute to the King of Pop, it became all the more clearer with Juice Head was up to.

I hope that Michael Jackson is somewhere sitting with Biggie Smalls and Nipsey Russell, eating a bucket of KFC and threatening to body slam Biggie Smalls if he reaches for a wing as the three of them watch The Color Purple.

That way Michael can stop teaching Biggie to moonwalk long enough to focus on this all important quote from the movie:

Until you do right by me everything you think about is gonna crumble!

Let the record show that already acts like Chris Brown and Mary J. Blige have backed out of the show, while others like Natalie Cole are already writing in dates in their daily planners to get out of performing.

Karma doesn't play that, Jermaine.

Shamon.

Should I Come With Wings?

2009-09-09T04:57:00.005-04:00

There comes a point in everyone’s life where they have to stop and ask themselves one very important question: Am I a bird?

This daunting question hit me harder than a backhand from an R&B pop locker over the holiday weekend.

On Sunday I spent the day with friends and eventually we made our way to some party at a hotel in Hollywood.

Now, I tend not to say where I’m living or anything else too private because I don’t need one of ya’ll sending my whereabouts to some celebrity who might use their last royalty check to off me.

Then again, Twitter has shown most celebrities only deal with “beef” in 140 characters or less so these days the worst one could do is start a trending topic on my ass.

Back on point, I’m at a party and for a good hour or so I was bored out of my mind.

The thing about LA is the nightlife typically sucks. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Here’s a break down of the typical night in an LA club.

First hour: Everyone is looking down at their phones texting and tweeting people standing two feet away from them.

Second hour: Everyone stands around trying to look important.

Third hour: After a few drinks, a couple of folks will get up and two-step and body roll.

At 1:45 a.m. the lights turn on and everyone is shown the exit door.

Yes, LA shuts down at 2:00 a.m.

I know, I know: “How dreadful.”

On top of that pretentious nonsense, DJs usually have the nerve to play some bullshit you can’t even sweat to.

I believe people will say I don’t know what I’m talking about then try to insert various club names and the choice celebrities who frequent them. Yeah, I’ve been to most of those spots already and surveyed the D-Listers who frequent them. My statement stands.

I don’t care who you’re with, how much money you have, and the like. If the music sucks, the night sucks. The end. That’s pretty much why I tend look at going out here as a social networking (the old fashion way, of course).

But damn, the jig is in me and if I’m going to live here for a while I need a release every now and then.

I am a southern boy so I tend to like my party music ign’t and jiggable.

Since folks in La La land tend to think that sort of sound comes with a virus you’re more liable to hear this:

…than you would Gucci Mane.

That means for a good hour or so on Sunday (like most nights), I was pretty much like this:

To make up for the non-dancing time I did what any person with a cell phone would do: I tweeted about my disappointment.

Y'know I loves Michael Jackson, but we can stop playing the same five songs in the club now.

I don't want to sway and two step, dammit. I want to break it, pop it, twirk it.

Why won't the DJ let me be great?! We don't play "In Da Club" in '09 you loser!!!!!!!

Feel the frustration?

Finally, this DJ claiming to be from the South (not until I see a birth certificate will I believe it) remembered where she was from and played some music I could lose my self-respect to.

So I got to drop it to the ground and throw up the Clarke for two seconds. Sad part is the DJ claims to be from the H. I bet she is lying.

That’s my happy tweet.

I tell my brother what happened (for the umpteenth time) and he goes, “Your bird ass.”

This isn’t the first time I’ve been called a bird.

Actually, I get called it at least twice a week. But after that night and the way I danced after I finally heard something I liked, I had to wonder whether or not it’s true.

Am I Toucan Sam? The NBC Peacock? Big Bird the Black Remix?

Tweety with a penis (I know he’s supposed to be a boy, but at the very least, shim takes hormones or something)?

As I wrote this blog, I turned to AIM to ask a smartass for their thoughts. They responded in true smartass fashion.

Smartass: U can’t help it

Smartass: U know where u grew up

Smartass: U aware of the bird ways but u aren’t one

Smartass: But at times it comes out.

It is concluded that I was not a bird, but birdish.

Others still say I’m Snuffaluffagus’ BFF.

If that is indeed the case, is it simply because I enjoy songs that have hard beats, simple yet catchy hooks, and the occasional instructional dance?

That’s not fair. I could be far worse.

Exhibit A. Her cakes should come with feathers, a biscuit, and a package of Cajun sparkle.

Alright folk, chime in. What makes a pigeon a pigeon and should people start throwing little pieces of bread at me or what?

I actually prefer cash, but you know. I mean it's not like I'm dating a person with 77 kids or singing along to "LOL :)" -- blah.

B-Day

2009-09-04T20:38:00.002-04:00

Of course, I didn't forget. Back to business as usual soon, but until then channel your inner Creole and wish the Queen a Happy Birthday.

Diddy Wouldn't Be Pleased, Aubrey (But I Understand)

2009-09-02T02:31:00.004-04:00

When I watch this clip the first idea that pops into my head is to not burn Aubrey O' Day at the stake. I'd much rather call up Aubrey's publicist and beg him or her to go to seek a new career path. Evidently, public relations is not the field for them.

While I think it's obvious that Aubrey would appear at the opening of a letter with bells on, why on Earth would her camp choose to book her on Hannity's show? No good could come from such a thing. She would have done herself a favor grabbing a flip camera and shooting herself talking to a schizophrenic. The latter option would easily be a lot more thought provoking programming anyway.

But hey, what's done is done and now Aubrey's going to have to catch hell for daring to have an unpopular opinion that can be easily misconstrued by a media whore that's built a career off twisting facts and inciting political hysteria.

I don't really get the big deal, but that's mainly due to me realizing this is more so an issue of semantics than a question of morals and sensibility.

Because the word "brilliant" has a positive connotation to it, those who feel the likes of Fidel Castro and Adolf Hitler are far too heinous of characters to have such a label attributed to them were bound to be up in arms in someone calling them anything but villainous.

Yet, had Aubrey used a phrase like "evil genius" to describe those leaders I get the feeling not many as people would be irritated by her comments.

To me, that's plain silly.

Aubrey didn't call these men good people. She didn't say they haven't committed crimes. What she said was they were brilliant, and honestly, she's not wrong.

Yes, Adolf Hitler is a murder. A a mad men with the most evil of intentions. Still, this a person who used his oratory skills to command the attention and ultimately, blind allegiance of nearly an entire nation of people. People already pissed off about the results of the first World War, mind you. In that aspect, his ability to control and manipulate people to do his bidding suggests some significant form of intelligence that could be branded brilliance.

How many of ya'll have gotten an entire nation to be at your mercy?

You probably can't even get the girl at the drive-thru with the funky attitude to get your order right.

And my friend, the brilliant Shani over at Post Bourgie reminded me, say what you will about Cuba, but in terms of health care and education they exceed us.

Cuba may be stuck in the 1950s due to the trade embargo, but more of them can read in their country than ours. Do I want to move to Cuba and drink mojitos all day? Hell no, but that fun fact about their literary rates and health care stats is embarrassing all the same.

Not to mention, Fidel is certainly not without flaws (and then some), and arguably has not been the kindest towards his people, but Fidel is no fool. Moreover, need I remind you that many of those Cubans in Miami who are pissed at the bad girl of Danity Kane aren't all that fond of people who look like me either.

Of course, not all, but let's not ignore the fact that Fidel banished many of those Cubans who turned their noses up at that darker fellow countrymen. That has a bit to do with their disdain, but it doesn't negate that Fidel Castro is no idiot.

So, needless to say, Aubrey could have chosen her words in addition to where she offers them a lot more carefully. However, some of ya'll are acting like she said forget Jesus, Heil Hitler.

Last time I checked: She still loves God, she's not pro-Hitler, and my goodness, folk, why be pressed about a pop star's opine on the state of world affairs anyway?

Someone please make sure that Kim Kardashian keeps her two cents out of the health care reform debate.

I Know You Know

2009-09-01T01:38:00.003-04:00

1. When Trey Songz said his new album was his Off The Wall, did you stop and wonder was he Off His Meds?

2. Why is Ciara (the one with actual talent) becoming known as the assistant/friend/hanger oner of a woman who does nothing?

3. Speaking of Kim Kardashian's beautiful self, she would make an appearance at the opening of a door if invited, wouldn't she?

4. When Wendy Williams looks at the list of booked guests for her talk show, do you think she asks "Who the hell are these people?!" like the rest of us?

5. Is this Negro serious?

6. Will Grace Jones be the next one to bite Rihanna following this swagger jacking cover?

(P.S. It's hot.)

7. When is someone going to get Lil' Wayne fixed?

8. Why won't Capitol records let LeToya be great?

9. Was Timbaland mad at Jay-Z when he sent those beats in for Blueprint 3?

10. Does this look appetizing to anyone else?

11. Are Ren & Stimpy serious?

12. In addition to the doctor, should we call Buffy?

13. Why does Nicki Minaj talk like she's from the projects of Britain?

14. When will it dawn on people that most of them don't have haters?

15. Did Wheelchair Jimmy just refer to Trey Songz as the greatest R&B singer of our generation?

(Sidenote: Trey must taste like strawberries to Drake. That or cocaine. I think Trey is talented, but really?!)

16. If Michael Jackson were still with us, who would he bitch slap first: Joe, Jermaine, or LaToya?

17. With a new daddy announced every week how long before someone claims Bubbles is the biological father of Michael Jackson's children?

18. Though her songs have gotten better, since it's obvious Cassie can't buy a hit anymore, is it time for her to go model and/or invest in having Diddy's baby?

19. Is anyone else on Twitter tired of the faux Hallmark, fortune cookie-esque "wisdom" being spouted on there?

20. Can you feel it?

If Dr. Kevorkian Were A Drive-Thru

2009-08-27T11:19:00.005-04:00

If the sight of this sandwich has your mouth watering like the Pacific, I suggest you go and get right with God.

Because once you start working this sandwich into your daily diet it won't be long before your meeting your maker.

Gluttony can't even begin to describe this suicide sandwich. Instead of wasting time with bread, the double down sandwich lets two fried chicken patties take the place of Nature's Own and then sneaks in slices of Swiss and pepper jack cheese, 2 slices of bacon, and some "Colonel sauce" that would probably make even the most hood Chinese restaurant owner say, "Too salty."

You won't even be able to eat this sandwich with your hands because of all the grease! If you did you'll walk around looking like Jermaine Jackson's long lost twin.

Yet, I know a bunch of ya'll are sitting here thinking, "Ooh, where do they do that at?"

So far it's only available in Providence, Rhode Island and Omaha, Nebraska. If it does well - which it will, we're a nation of fat asses with death wishes - it will head out West.

The sandwich contains 740 calories, 42 grams of fat and 2100 mg of sodium -- but that's not excluding the special sauce and cheeses. If the calories and grams of fat weren't bad enough, take a good long look at the 2100 mg of sodium.

Do you know what that's going to make your heart do?

Remix, remix.

Sidenote: Back when this song came out, I used to be able to do that, though I bet if I tried it now I'd pop, lock, and drop it to the emergency room. Somebody needs to stretch!

Since moving to LA, I realize this is the land of many KFCs. I don't know why LaLa land won't let a Popeye's biscuit be great, but I do know one thing: All of the fat people who stand in my way when walking somewhere (don't worry ya'll: In due time I will live in a deluxe apartment in the sky with fit folks) will take even longer for me to maneuver around them.

Why oh why is a sandwich like this being rolled out when it becomes all the more apparent that the reform in health care reform might be sent to the island of broken promises and unfulfilled wishes?

And wasn't KFC starting a stampede in their stores a few months ago after getting Oprah to hand out coupons to try their new "healthier, grilled chicken?"

How do you go from that to stroke in a box?

Lady Love

2009-08-26T15:34:00.004-04:00

Regardless of whether or not we’re forced out or left to leave on our free will, most of us are afforded the privilege to be able to move forward and never look back once we make an exit from a given situation.

But, when it comes to fame, how audiences first come to greet you is how they’ll always remember you. For LeToya Luckett this is a gift and a curse.

She’ll always be able to gain some bit of press for the novelty of being one of the original members of Destiny’s Child. Unfortunately, she’ll always have to deal with titles like “Destiny’s Other Child” and jeers from those who placed their loyalties with the members who stuck it out.

And even though that group is officially done (until they need a reunion tour) LeToya still can’t escape her ex-band mate Beyonce.

Whether it’s fair or not Beyonce has become a person viewed as the standard bearer for contemporary R&B. That means LeToya – like every other R&B female singer out there – will always be compared to Queen Bey.

That’s unfortunate, because not everyone is meant to be like Beyonce and that should be OK to people. Beyonce is not the end all be all to R&B.

Judging LeToya solely in comparison to Beyonce takes away from the obvious gains she’s made with her sophomore album, Lady Love.

When LeToya first started making the rounds for her debut album, I was taken aback by how much she repeated that she didn’t think she could do a solo album. She was adamant that she saw herself more so as a group artist. There’s nothing wrong with that, but when trying to sell yourself as a solo act you needn’t remind people that your move towards a solo career pointed more towards your own ambivalence than confidence.

Because LeToya seemed a bit uncomfortable as a solo artist, while she certainly managed to score a hit song and album in her own right, it was hard to picture how she could flourish in future projects.

I’m glad that she’s found the confidence and direction she needed.

Though I don’t necessarily buy the press release from her management comparing her to Millie Jackson, LeToya certainly comes across a lot stronger, forceful, and blunt on songs like “Regret.” More in touch with her sensual side on tracks like “I Need A U” and “Tears.” And vocally a lot stronger on the obvious best choice for a first single “Regret,” and urban radio friendly “Over.”

Then are songs like “Take Away Love” which shows LeToya is open to exploration with her song. It also proves she should tap Ryan Leslie for future album collaborations. The same can be said of other collaborators like Tank (“Over,” “Good To Me,” “Regret”) and Marsha Ambrosius (“Matter”).

I could live without her foray into more pop-leaning crossover airplay yearning choices like the Chris Brown penned “Drained,” but there’s no one song on here that’s bad.

Arguably, minus the few spots on the album that rely too heavily on materialism and cliché’s to make the case for love, this is one of the most mature solo offerings from any of the 87 members of Destiny’s Child yet.

Based on some of the other reviews I’ve read, I’m disappointed to find people judging it on its potential to “crossover.”

I’m really annoyed by the notion that one has to “crossover” in order to be successful.

Instead of focusing on trying to attract the attention of fickle pop music fans, LeToya’s label should’ve have thrown out “Regret” as the first single. It would’ve been the best way to reintroduce her onto the scene and would’ve help cement her place as a nice alternative to all of the other R&B acts out there who dilute their sound in order to “crossover.”

My worries about LeToya’s music career aren’t that she’s not capable of creating music than you can remember an hour after you’ve heard it. This album proves she’s able to grow as a singer, songwriter and vocalist.

My fear is that she’ll be limited by people’s perception that she must stay within Beyonce’s lane – then be mishandled by a label who seem dead set on doing all of the things that will prevent her from creating her own.

Read It Because I Asked Nicely (And S**t)

2009-08-26T12:00:00.003-04:00

I remember being a freshman at Howard and being confused as all hell when I took a course called "Gender Roles and Relations."

I didn't know what I was getting myself into, but I learned a lot and became confused even more by semester's end. Confusion isn't necessarily a bad thing, though, because it allows you to learn about things your prejudices and the outside forces that have produced them would normally not allow you to.

Such is the case for the piece I wrote on B. Scott. Admittedly, I didn't necessarily get it at first. And like some, I thought that by behaving in a sort of way it made it difficult for others who don't necessarily share behavioral traits.

That, however, is as flawed an argument as it is a selfish one and the longer I took the to open my mind up the more appreciative I became of people like B. Scott and others who choose to live their life in a way that might not be classified as a norm yet could care less.

I invite each of you to read it, register and leave a comment.

I focus on B. Scott, but I also touch on confining notions of masculinity and whether or not people should have free reign to challenge them.

Judging from some of the responses about my Tiny and Toya piece, I can imagine even less people will hear me out in this article.

We're all different and judging people before you really take a chance to see their point of view won't lead result in anything but a bunch of pissed off folks.

Ahh well. I'm young and like me not initally getting it, a lot of people will learn. In due time.

Until then...

Click here to check it out.

P.S. No worries: My ign't ways will be exploited again on the blog before you know it. I don't need ya'll thinking I can read and shit. There's no money in that!

Bidness

2009-08-25T11:57:00.003-04:00

So, I'm sure some of you (especially those I know personally) kept looking at the homepage of the site and wondering, "Where the hell is he?"

I'm starting to feel like a deadbeat dad who only shows up every other Christmas. Well, if it's any consolation I wasn't hugging the block or twirkin' on the stroll (although it pays better).

I have two pieces running on The Root this week. The first is up today. It's about Tiny & Toya and I essentially argue that these two are not capable of destroying black America.

For that matter, neither is Tyler Perry.

You can check out the piece by clicking here.

Also, I'm excited about the one running tomorrow. I'm actually off to go reedit that one now.

Will be back with more posts as I have a lot to yap about this week.

In the meantime, hope you enjoy me defending Tiny & Toya.

I expect at least seven of you to call me a coon in the comments section (although you should register on The Root and call me that there...thanks).

P.S. I want the dotcom up and running, too. Sigh squared.

You Don't Need A White Hood But A Muzzle Would Do Wonders

2009-08-24T11:31:00.004-04:00

After being sucked into the wonderful train wreck of TV known as The Real Housewives of Atlanta last year, I started to watch the other editions of the series. Although not as engaging as the series in Atlanta or Orange County, I watched The Real Housewives of New York.

One of the personalities I took to most was Bethenny Frankel.

I found her sarcasm charming and the fact that she earned her own money without feeling compelled to be bound by any partner endearing.

She can now go <^> (think about it) herself now for all I care.

In some instances, some people outside of the black race get a little too comfortable and start to spew out "black speak" and other little stereotypes in a way that I can only interpret as mocking. Bethenny seems to be one of those people.

I first noticed Bethenny's little digs at colored folk on The Wendy Williams Show when she referred to the Atlanta edition of the show as The Real Housewives of Compton.

I'm pretty sure Bethenny hasn't been to certain parts of Brooklyn let alone Compton.

And then I noticed this tweet on August 13th:

Is excited to watch real housewivez in the hood now.will sheree put a cap in kim's ass?just ate at dave's grill in montauk. Finally did yoga

The second I read this I had to start playing "U.N.I.T.Y." in my head.

There are more like these:

Is ghetto bc she gets ice&cups at montauk yacht club& makes her own cocktails.cheapskate!also hijacked chairs at gurneys.my name is earl!

I know the history of the word, but if we're going by how the word is used now it's evident she knows nothing about the ghetto and she's using the word to be insulting.

Then there are her blogs on The Real Housewives of Atlanta on E! Online.

Sheree really has gone straight 'hood.

Again: The hell does she know about the ghetto or the hood?

Perhaps there's some hood in Park Avenue that I'm not knowledgeable of.

I thought that Sheree went from straight hood to straight ghetto while pulling at Kim's wig in the street. She then clarified to boo that her locks were in fact a weave, versus a wig, as if that were some sort of street cred. Wendy Williams has a wig, so in my book, a wig trumps a weave.

When Teresa flipped over a table at her own dinner party were the likes of Bethenny Frankel and small minded people like her talking about how "ghetto" she was behaving?

Why is this pampered princess with false senses of entitlement talking about street cred? Because Wendy Williams is her friend? Bethenny, Wendy is from the suburbs of Ocean Township.

If you want to talk about street cred, holler at your girl (is that enough slang for you, Bethenny?) Danielle from New Jersey. She's the one with the criminal record and connections to drug lords.

Boss!

On top of all of this Bethenny employs the tried and true method of disparaging people (especially those of color) based on their twangs.

These broads are more high school than we. Also, they literally don't speak English. Rarely is there an actual sentence. When Kim is the most grammatically correct, someone should cash in a Fendi bag for an English class.

This is complete and utter bullshit. Tamra from the OC is not the most articulate person on Bravo. Neither is Ramona from NY. Kelly from NY can sound out her words just fine, but none of them tied together form a coherent thought.

Yet, because many of the cast mates of the Atlanta series have thick accents they're easily written off as functioning illiterates.

Mind you, Lisa Wu Hartwell is from Los Angeles, has no identifiable accents, and is arguably one of the most articulate cast mates of any edition of the Housewives.

Try making fun of her accent the way you do Jill Zarin's, Bethenny.

Or maybe you can teach all of them to be as classy as you, dear.

I love Nene, and she is a big bitch, but she is a Skinnygirl, too. She owns it. She works those curves, and only dogs like bones.

Oh wait. Nevermind.

Racist people never want to be called racist, but if you throw out stereotypes in such a casual way then it's evident that you feel a certain type of way about black people.

Or if you're not a flat out racist, you're simply ignorant and need to be enlightened.

Whatever the case may be, Bethenny, have a SkinnyGirl margarita and shut your Jamie Kennedy of reality TV ass up.

Help Me: Karrine Steffans

2009-08-17T09:45:00.005-04:00

Dear Michael,

People can be so simple. It’s what happens when you go through life without reading, without interacting with individuals outside of your socioeconomic status, without doing anything to personally evolve.

This leaves one stagnant, ignorant, and more inclined to fall in line with such trite stereotypes.

None of that will get you on Oprah.

By now I’m sure you’ve seen some of the unfortunate interviews I’ve conducted while promoting my third book, The Vixen Manual.

Can you believe this? And here I thought it was just the ~~niggas~~ who behaved this rudely.

How dare they speak to me that way? I am a married mother of two. As I pointed out in that interview, my dating life in my 20s was normal. Who hasn’t had a fling or twenty with various entertainers and athletes? Every girl has her secrets.

I’ve come to the realization that most of the flack I get stems from jealousy. My haters won’t let me live.

Like her. Who is this and why is my name in her mouth? She says I wasn’t known for being a video vixen. Excuse her.

Take that, bitch.

Actually, let’s stop talking about her because I’m the only FAMOUS one in this conversation and since I am FAMOUS we should only be talking about me.

You’re lucky I’m even talking to you because I’m so FAMOUS.

Isn’t a shame I haven’t been allowed to promote my book properly with all of these distractions?

I’m on a mission to enrich the lives of young single women everywhere. So many lack role models, and through my book, The Vixen Manual, I’m helping them prepare for life as young adults. We all deserve to be courted, and my aim is to show women how to get in tune with their singular selves as they search for companionship.

Here’s a taste of the insight I share in my book, The Vixen Manual.

“Romantic companionship can be tremendously enriching, enhancing all areas of our lives, under the best circumstances. There’s something uniquely beautiful about Blockbuster nights under a fluffy duvet with someone special, our feet touching, our bodies entwined as we steal each other’s warmth. If only for a season, we all experience a very visceral need to couple, to be touched, and to at least feel loved. If it happens with enough repetition and mutuality, you may soon find that you’re no longer single. The trick, however, is to still be you. Even though you’ve found Mr. Wonderful, or just Mr. Seasonal, it’s important to remain singular and not get so lost in this wonderful (possibly seasonal) bliss that you disappear as an individual.”

No one was around to instill these valuable lessons to me as a child, and now I want to give back.

Yes, I know it’s quite thoughtful of me. That’s the type of person I am.

I’m always giving something to someone.

I just want to know when are people going to let that first book go?

Can I live? Are you people that unhappy to the point you have to project your negative feelings onto to me?

I’m gonna pray for ya’ll, because I’m good.

Remember: I’m FAMOUS.

You haters keep my name in your mouth and I’ll continue not knowing of any yours.

Ciao,

Mrs. McCrary

---

First off kudos to you and your jaw muscles for using tales of pursing your lips to various industry penises and taking it all the way to the New York Times best-seller list.

Some people would throw you shade for helping perpetuate negative stereotypes about video models and black women in general, but hey, you gotta eat – and not just rappers’ semen, I imagine.

Granted, when you pass yourself off as some literary great (is Karen Hunter still co-writing your books?) I have to stifle laughter, but hey, you’re on the best-seller list and I’m not (yet).

Bravo, cashew breath. Bravo!

Still, I can’t stand you and I wish the APA would come up with a name to describe whatever mental disorder you suffer from already.

If I were a wee bit slower, I’d buy this little speech you gave these students.

But the fact is you do care what we think. If we’re not talking about you, no one is buying your books; we’re not fooled.

As for you no longer doing the nonsense you did in your 20s.

What about this? And really, Bow Wow? Who are you supposed to be? The naughty babysitter?

Oh and there’s Lil’ Wayne.

Didn’t you write this:

“In the meantime, he's like my best friend. He's my John Lennon, I’m his Yoko Ono, and together, it just works."

Yoko Ono? They should’ve never given you hoes cable.

Oh and we can’t forget you saying the relationship isn’t about sex, but then added that he called you to say “Prostitute Flange” is about you and how you listen to it every single day.

As if the song including the word prostitute in the title wasn't bad enough, the lyrics include lines like, “Yo pussy is like a drug to me?”

Not a relationship based on sex, right? Uh huh. This is why people only believe you when you’re talking about gargling up half the line-up for the BET awards.

I love the fact that you trashed black media for asking “ignorant questions” yet you’ve been reduced as nothing more than an opportunistic whore by the mainstream media.

Not to mention your ex-boyfriend. How are you going to complain about the way black men and black press treat black women then go date a white man who buys into the same bullshit?

Don’t bother answering with your reverse psychology bullshit. I took Psych 101 in college, too.

Then there's your husband. Or whatever he is to you.

Did you ever end up giving those ass beads back, or did you play a game of poke-a-hole with Shad?

One thing I never understood was if you’re head game is that tight of all the people to end up with you marry Eddie Winslow? I guess anyone who buys The Vixen Manuel now has a chance at bagging Calvin from 227.

Your delusions of grandeur and false senses of entitlement don’t bother me as much as you not owning up to who you really are does.

You suck, you slurp, and you write about it. When you were on your redemption tip, though I didn’t believe you, I at least appreciated the gimmick. Then you went off and went back to your antics literally a millisecond after appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show.

I’m surprised Gayle hasn’t given you the clap back for lying to Oprah.

You like to position yourself as someone “above it all” yet you’re constantly knee deep in it. Or constantly on your knees. Take your pick.

That’s fine as it’s your business, but be real about it.

Don’t act offended when people bring up your past. It’s still your present. You’re still using your sexual relationships with male celebrities to boost your profile.

Try not to act all high and mighty when people reduce you to something you already have yourself to with your first book.

With “advice” like this:

“This isn't to say that independence has no value. There's worldbound influence, where you are able to hold your ground professionally just as much as a man. That's fine when you're on the phone handling business or brokering major deals. When your man walks through the door, however, there's a softer more homebound independence that you can show. It means you know how to cook and clean, and you don't need someone like his mother (or your mother) showing you how to do so. You can do laundry without turning his whites pink. He can relax in knowing his woman has mastered their domestic terrain. Just don't look up and find yourself lonely because you were trying to be too worldbound and dominant at home.”

You’re nothing more than a little fortune cookie for patriarchy.

You might want to take her advice:

From one fake ass to another: Face the hoe in the mirror. She's there...waiting on you to reveal the results of your last trip to the clinic.

And if I were you, I’d rather come with a new gimmick or revamp the old one. First week sales in the book world are no different than those in music. Sure, you can continue to score bragging rights, but you’re not moving books as much as you used to.

You could care less about what I have to say, but you ought to be concerned that the hoe tale market is growing stale.

I hope you're investing your book earnings. I doubt a fraction of the residuals from Family Matters will be enough to cover your ass.

Nutty Negro Nia

2009-08-13T03:31:00.004-04:00

In theory, I don’t have anything against PETA.

With lobbyists for everything ranging from porn to bananas (in this instance, there is no connection, nasty), it's nothing wrong with Scooby, Scrappy, and Yogi having their own advocate, too.

In practice, however, I take offense to some of PETA’s methods in trying to sway the masses to fall into their line of thinking.

Not even their incessant need to throw blood on those who wear fur. Sorry, but if they try that shit with Mary J. Blige, that’s their ass.

No, what gets me is the way in which they handle black celebrities who rock Rocky and Bulwinkle.

Take for instance a post from way back that I wrote about Jay-Z. It detailed how a spokesperson from PETA wrote a letter to Jay-Z in “hip-hop speak” (re: black). I found it to be as patronizing as it was incredibly stupid.

Even worse are the correlations the organization sometimes make between animal rights and slavery.

I distinctly remember PETA showing pictures of African men and women in shackles and placing their images next to that of Dumbo and the Lion King in chains.

In no way shape or form are the two comparable. I always say such an opinion to be something a white person would say.

Enter Nia Long, who just reminded me of Zora Neal Hurston’s adage, “All my skinfolk at kinfolk.”

Here’s what the next chick that needs to be traded out of the race said about her support of PETA.

“It’s a clean beautiful ad but the message is clear from that one photo, from that one image that all living things should have the right to live….I’ve realized how important it is that we really take responsibility for the environment, for treating animals with love and care just like we would any human being. I really do believe that all things that have been given life deserve to live life. It’s no different, in my opinion, from slavery or the Holocaust it’s just that we’re not dealing with human beings, we’re dealing with animals, but it’s still a living thing.”

Negro, please!

First off, white readers, my bad. It was wrong of me to assume only someone who checks off the Caucasian box would say something so asinine.

Forgive me? I hope so.

Anyhow, where is Nia Long’ publicist? Did she write one too many bad checks? I mean, since Nia claims Beyonce’s taking all of her jobs (Shazaam!) and all.

The Newport’s explain her mouth, but what sort of narcotic has is she using to cause her to think a raccoon being skinned to make Mama Combs a hat is the same as enslaving an entire race of people for centuries and throwing another group of people into an oven for sport?

Was the PETA check that good? I hope she was paid extra, because I wouldn't be surprised if a couple of people out there aren't inspired to commit black-on-black crime after that.

This is the problem I tend to have with certain organizations that should be open to all, but tend to be headed by “liberals” who pose as people evolved and tolerant, but typically fall in line with the typical racist bullshit.

Like the feminist movement, like the gay rights movement, and very much like the animal rights movement.

Sadly, now we have black people helping them perpetuate such an ignorant way of thinking instead of enlightening them to a different point-of-view that would ultimately make their groups more inclusive and thus more successful.

If you are a self-respecting person of color and dare liken animal rights to slavery, you need to build a tree house in the jungle and go live with the rest of the animal kingdom.

I can’t believe she even fixed her mouth to say something so stupid.

Jesus be a history book, Allah be some common sense, and Zuul of the Netherworld be a damn clue.

P.S. That’s why they didn’t even give your silly self a belly button!

Goo Goo For GaGa

2009-08-13T00:00:00.002-04:00

If you actually think there’s a disco stick waiting to be freed from the duck tape that acts its personal prison between the legs of Lady GaGa, then you’re likely the type of fool to fall for a Nigerian email scam.

This woman is not a hermaphrodite, but what she is an artist skilled in the art of manipulating the press. It’s a talent that seems to have been lost on a generation. I honestly can’t think of any other popular female artist besides GaGa that’s been adept at playing the press on the levels of Madonna and Janet Jackson.

I’m sure their stans would love to argue that like Britney and Christina fit the bill, but:

I swore when someone sent this picture to me I thought it was Bret Michaels. I was so ready to respond with, “I don’t care about Rock of Love.”

As it turns out, that’s Britney Spears, which proves my point.

This poor girl, between her family, the pressure, and the lack of K-12 tutoring never stood a chance. Life and the media jumped her and while she may be off most of her meds, she’s not at the level she used to be.

Then you have Christina Aguilera, who thought she was ahead of the game giving her best Madonna impersonation to the press, but poor thing, Autotune may be for pussies, but look what flinging hers got you?

That’s why I don’t think either can be lumped into that media savvy category. Both have their talents, and each got as close to that level of celebrity as the aforementioned acts. Yet as far as outwitting the press, nah, not even a little bit.

Unlike the others, although I think GaGa has a gimmick I feel that it’s one of her own creation.

I don’t suspect there is a team of handlers around her pulling strings. If that were to be true, she probably wouldn’t be a star. You’ve seen the charts. Many of the industry folks couldn’t get you to buy an album with their money.

Not to rile up the older crowd, but GaGa, with her bisexual confirmations, outrageous outfits, and over-the-top sound bites and quotes is giving vintage Madonna. Only difference is these days it’s harder to shock people, so the most a person can do is start a rumor that the woman has an 8-ball and pool stick carefully tucked in her leotard.

On top of that, she is actually talented. She can sing, play instruments, and when she claims to be a songwriter I believe her.

It’s not, “Oh I used my star power to force a songwriter to give me publishing.” Or an instance of someone taking a pre-written song and adding a cough at the end of the track and getting credit for it. She actually writes.

Finally there is a pop star with a brain and actual skill who can joke the journalists

Every so often a new reader asks, “Do you like anyone?”

Instead of giving my usual, “No, actually I hate everyone – especially you,” I smiled and said, “You’ll see.”

And now you do.

Don’t trip, though: Until she records a song with Gucci Mane she’ll only go so hard.

So:

2009-08-12T14:16:00.001-04:00

I'm alive. Writing. Plotting. For the dotcom version of the site. Still trying to get it together.

Updates are coming today and tomorrow, but for now, go support my other blog, "The Recession Diaries," and more importantly, today's entry.

Not as biting as it is here, but I still dig it (but if I don't, who will).

Click here, register, and please leave feedback.

C'mon now. It's time to push me into the sky, not let me bust my ass trying to work the pole.

Thank you!

Baby, I'm A Star

2009-08-10T15:27:00.004-04:00

As children, we’re told that in order to be famous you had to be exceptionally talented and ambitious. Or at the very least, be marginally talented but down for doing the nasty with the right person in power.

Ever since I was a kid I’ve been told my talent would get me far and that all I needed to do was work hard and persevere. I would have done better writing Santa Clause. These days, the only skill you need to hone is your talent in attention whoring.

More and more are people famous for the sake of, and the longer I use Twitter, the more apparent it becomes that a generation has been inspired by the likes of Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton and “insert your favorite reality and/or Internet personality here.”

That statement doesn’t come from a place of jealously. Honestly, I like the fact that people have attained celebrity despite side-stepping the typical route to earn it. I really do. For people to make a name for themselves on their own terms is an important step. The internet has made it obvious that many of the folks who are famous are pretty dull and vapid without someone more savvy pulling the strings.

There are people who do have personality (which by default is somewhat of a talent in itself now) and if not for the Web would likely have never seen their star shine.

I get it. Go them. Seriously.

That being said, it’s becoming creepier about just how fame hungry our culture is. We now have breaking news alerts when Britney Spears stubs her toe or when a reality star from E! dies (I liked her, but I’m sure you get it what I’m saying).

Does anyone remember when Anna Nicole Smith died? CNN broke from a hearing about the Iraqi war to dedicate hours upon hours of coverage to her untimely passing.

That’s cool for E!, but not for an international news station.

That’s the part that concerns me. We have created such a celebrity-obsessed culture that now your average person is a celebrity in their own mind. If not, one is who actively fishing for fame online.

The desperation oozes from many a keyboard.

As someone who writes about celebrities and pop culture, I sometimes feel like I’m part of the problem. I try to write about celebrities in a way that doesn’t scream “Idol worship.” Can’t be pissing off God – according to some of ya’ll I’m already on thin ice as it is.

I think by making fun of myself and them it subtly reminds people that they’re human.

I’m not sure that’s enough, though.

Who actively uses Twitter (if your answer is no, you’re LATE)?

Tell me you’ve noticed the influx of users tweeting about every inch of their body for attention?

Or the ustreams of people sitting in their draws eating a box of NERDS?

Oh and the blogger beefs.

And the crotch shots.

And the celebrity antagonists.

Or the ass kissers.

I hope the day doesn’t come where when I finally do get an agent (hint, hint, mu’f-ckas), he/she won’t suggest I turn on my Web cam, and sit in my draws sitting on the top of my desk ranting about Bow Wow while I eat Popeye’s chicken.

That or dress up like Malibu Barbie, get some weave eyebrows and put on an impromptu stage play on the life of Lil’ Kim. That seems to be the thing to do these days.

Probably be more fun to binge out on Hamburger Helper and try to spoof Heavy D.

I don’t have either option in me, though. I’d rather start on my Plan Q than take it there.

I have a feeling some people will be offended by this, but if you don’t fit the bill, you won’t fold, ya dig?

Now that the disclaimer is out of the way, let’s keep it moving.

Are you tired of this growing “Make Me Famous” trend or are you over there at your 9-5 penning the script for your new YouTube video (trust me: that stuff is not off the cuff).

I'm not really mad at the people who break through, but the longer this goes on, the more outrageous people will get. Octomom anyone?

Feedback, ya’ll!

Leave That Line?

2009-08-06T11:54:00.012-04:00

As a writer, I have a natural inclination to dislike editors. Not because they're bad people; rather, because they're sole purpose in life is to change my words and as an artist I'm sensitive about my ~~work~~ shit.

Ideally, their edits help tighten my pieces. I think the guest blog I did for Aliya King's site is a perfect example of such. Upon reviewing her notes and edits, I quickly realized what I needed to do to step it up and not embarrass myself on her site.

There are other editors, however, who will chop and screw your words and have you looking as silly as Bow Wow on ustream.

Word.

Or they may edit things just fine, only they will tone your language down in an effort not to offend readers.

I'm guessing such is the case for the piece I wrote on Anthony Woods for the site, The Grio.

Anthony Woods is an Iraq war veteran who is running for Congress in California. What makes Woods' story unique is the fact that he is an openly gay black man running for Congress. You typically only hear such a term used to describe someone at a Beyonce or Janet Jackson concert.

I don't have a problem with the edits overall, it's more so one specific change. I'm not upset by it, but I think generally, people sometimes deflect from things that need to be stated as bluntly as possible.

Here's how this portion of the piece originally:

And in telling the story of his life, it will be noted that the ex-second lieutenant in the Armor branch carried himself in a way antithetical to the character traits still largely associated with gay men.
Woods’ wrist doesn’t flick like he suffers from a stroke every other second, he doesn't speak with a hiss, and he doesn't fall into any other stereotype associated with the effeminate gay male.

He speaks with confidence, remains assertive, and as an ex-soldier proves to hold bravery not often attributed to homosexuals.

Here is how it ran on the site:

And in telling the story of his life, it will be noted that the ex-second lieutenant in the Armor branch carried himself in a way antithetical to the character traits still largely associated with gay men; he speaks with confidence and remains assertive. For the number of black men who struggle with their sexuality, Woods's largely positive depiction in the media may encourage others to come to grips with who they are.

Gay men can be just as confident and assertive as everyone else. In fact, even more so depending on the crowd we're talking about.

That's the reason why I stated specific stereotypes. I feel that it is important to speak on it openly. I have to deal with it everyday of my life. Why should I spare groups who aren't subjected to it from such language?

A lot of people often ask me why do I think so many black men tuck and roll in the closet in regards to their sexuality. In addition to pointing out the homophobia permeating the black community, I note that for a lot of men the baggage associated with homosexual males is too much to deal with.

Black men have enough problems in this country. There's no sense in adding additional stress.

Now more than ever do people meet me and say, "You don't seem gay."

And by seeming gay they mean, I'm not wearing a skirt, I don't want to be called girl, I'm not wearing any foundation, and they didn't see me skip my way in and out of the door.

That in turn leads people to make comments like, "You're not [really] gay, you just need to meet the right girl."

You know, one with some genetic altering superpower in her clitoris.

Or people get too comfortable and make backhanded compliments such as "You're too cute to be gay."

If you're really (un)lucky, then you get loads and loads of questions from people who are under the impression that every gay knows the world history of homosexuality and own some magic sensor between their legs that can spot a non-breeder (or at least, part-time peen player) a mile away.

Do you know how frustrating that is, especially when you realize there are countless people exactly like me?

That's why I wrote that part of the passage that way.

Anthony Woods is an ex-soldier. He is strong, he is brave, he's not prancing around to "Freakum Dress" -- not that there's anything wrong with that. That song knocks, ya'll.

But I think you know what I'm getting at.

A lot of men who do come to grips with their sexuality unfortunately fall in line with the idea of how a gay man "should act." It's akin to those who feel they have to behave a certain way to prove their "blackness." For some people, flamboyance comes natural. For many newly realized gay men, it's merely the way they think they ought to be in order to "fit in."

To that end, many men who want nothing to do with that behavior distance themselves and try harder and harder to go in the hetero direction. You know, the "normal" way to be.

I used to get annoyed at certain types of guys who model themselves after Tinker Bell. After a while, though, I realized people are people and no one else's behavior necessarily has anyone reflection on me.

They may fuel other people's perceptions, but it doesn't determine my reality.

Likewise, my agenda is not theirs so they have every right to carry themselves however they please...and damn what anyone thinks.

The gay community is as diverse as any other. That's not something you see often, which is why I think a person like Anthony Woods is important. I'm all about the power of symbolism and I think if he were to win his seat and not be marginalized for his sexuality by the press, it will send an important message to gay men of color.

That you can be gay and be free to dress in drag or play ball. Let's say Dennis Rodman, without the prejudice.

That's the message I hope I conveyed in my piece.

I've come to grips with who I am, the community I belong to, and the fact that some people are fronting and others are just being. Not as many like me have discovered that, which is why I hope more people who break from the stereotypes come out.

If they don't the perception will linger.

I Wanna Know

2009-08-04T01:26:00.005-04:00

1. What part of there will never be another Michael Jackson does this lil' 'Tussin-abusing critter monster and others not get?

2. And since only a week ago did Baby's lip masseuse call the Kang of Pop a fag, does that mean Weezy wants to meet Chris somewhere over the rainbow?

3. Are we really recording songs called "Whip It Like A Slave" now?

4. Since Aubrey's re-recording Eddie Murphy "classics" like "Party All The Time," is anyone down for running around with me in the clouds screaming, whatzupwitu?

5. Is it safe to call Kanye West a trendsetter now?

6. If you're Eminem, are you more jealous of Nick Cannon or Mariah Carey's hand?

7. Go three minutes in then tell me why do women like hip-hop again?

8. When is someone going to sit Shad down and explain to him that he's essentially the 00s answer to Kris Kross, and that he might want to go get a sitcom?

9. What happened to the days where you had to shave your beard before put your heels on?

10. If someone broke into your home and stuck a gun in your face, would you go back to bragging about your material possessions on the internet?

11. Why do I feel like this is gonna be Rihanna in thirty years (if she's lucky)?

12. Speaking of Rihanna, can we please stop taking pictures of her doing absolutely nothing?

13. Should we all chip in and get Jermaine a magic marker?

14. Who else saw this picture and thought, "Coke and Diet Coke?"

15. What kind of magic wand does photographer Rob Ector own?

16. Why is everyone going in on Rocsi lately? Did she mess with your man, too?

17. If your only claim to fame prior to your well received mixtape was a character known as "Wheelchair Jimmy," wouldn't you of all people know to sit your ass down when a doctor tells you to?

18. Will these G-listers on Twitter whining about people "hating" on them ever shut their happy asses up?

19. Can someone explain the origin of Nicki Minaj's accent please?

20. Have you gotten in your morning jig today?

Marvin Could Help You Forget About Mariah, Marshall

2009-08-03T06:37:00.008-04:00

While many people sat back and laughed at Eminem's attempts at ethering Mariah Carey on his latest diss track, "The Warning," my only reaction was to ask the poser what does Dr. Dre taste like.

Seriously, if I had any doubts about his sexuality before this song consider them officially confirmed.

I try not to call anyone gay based on anything anecdotal (publicly anyway), but you can no longer convince me that Marshall hasn't pursed his lips to someone's penis every so often.

As I've written many times before here homophobia is typically rooted in misogyny and for any man to be that visceral against a woman is as suspect as he is disturbing. No man should ever come at a woman that way. Ever. He hates women. It's evident in his lyrical content and his overall behavior. Not to mention his typical targets.

Eminem is praised as some fearless emcee yet the only people he ever targets are the likes of Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson, and Kim Kardashian. You know, those hard asses. It's interesting he can get at them frequently, yet when folks like Styles P. can talk slick his way (via The Source a few years back) he doesn't respond.

He's a coward and if you're a grown man who only goes back-and-forth with teeny tiny women I suggest that you look into sawing your genitals off and donating them to charity.

For all of you who claim Mariah started it, let me know how so, because if memory serves me correctly Eminem has been targeting Mariah for years. Outside of the song "Clown," she's never really discussed him. Eminem, on the other hand, can't seem to keep her name out of his mouth. I imagine 50 Cent's dick is jealous.

At the very beginning of this song we hear Em say, "The only reason I dissed you in the first place is because you denied seeing me."

Really? That's all it takes to for him to explode? No wonder "Obsessed" irritated to the degree it did. Windex sure enough does appear to be his own version of Zest. Why is he so pressed? If someone chooses to publicly acknowledge your relationship with them, get your Lawry's on for a second but quickly keep it moving. If you spend years stuck on it, you look nutty as hell and prove the person right in ducking you and your Snicker's-flavored brain cells.

I so wish his mother hugged him more. That way he wouldn't have the mental maturity of a 12-year-old boy. Or be such a miserable pill popping asshole.

I've never gotten this guy's appeal and I've always thought talk of him having it harder as a white rapper trying to break into a black art form to be a crock. If any black man talked about his mother that way on wax, he'd get more side-eyes than R. Kelly at a Girl Scout's meeting.

Eminem has repeatedly likened all women to whores and constantly raps about raping and killing them. I don't find that appealing, and I imagine if Nas rhymed about murdering Kelis the same way Eminem has about Kim in the past reactions would be different.

It baffles me that more people haven't picked up on this. He is clearly a man with some deep seated issues with women. To the point where most should wonder if he really gets anything out of being with one. People can disregard the question all they like, but trust me, there's a reason why hip-hop overall is so misogynistic and homophobic yet often homoerotic.

Those fools don't really like women, hence them always having the words faggot and phrases like "suck my dick" rolling from their tongues (that get a case of the icks when they're forced to touch women in order to "preserve their manhood).

Speaking of dicks, as far as I'm concerned, Eminem can choke on one the next time he feels compelled to berate any woman in that way.

Obviously, I'm not using homosexuality as an insult; but, I do think it's important we start openly discussing how misogyny factors into homophobia, and point out how a certain type of man hides behind each.

Maybe the song amuses you, but I can't rock with it. There's something incredibly wrong with him, and it's unfortunate despite being on an obvious decline, he still serves as a big influence to impressionable kids out there. As if the world doesn't have enough woman-bashing jackasses as it is.

P.S. I've noticed it's been mainly black women saying, "Well she started it." To that I say, you poor, poor victims of patriarchy and hip-hop. Get some self-worth.

Help Me: Ciara

2009-07-30T15:52:00.005-04:00

Hey, Mike.

It’s ya girl Ciara (pronounced Cee-erra). Now I know your whole thing is advice or whatever, but I'm sure you've noticed that I don’t really need any advice per se.

This time in my life I’m very happy. I’m going out more.

See? That’s me out. I’m sure you know who that is. Kim Kardashian and I are very good friends. Like total BFFs or whatever.

It’s good to meet with someone who totally ~~helps get me more press~~ understands me and supports me in my evolution as a woman and entertainer.

And she also knows what it’s like to deal with the negativity out there. You know, the kind of negativity people like you throw out on the internet.

Quite frankly, I find it pretty pathetic. What have I done to any of you?

Why sit there and nitpick and judge me online? Why sit at your computer staring at me trying to find something – anything – to bash me with? You know what? You must really like what I do for you to sit there and analysis it.

I look at it as you all have too much time on their hands.

Unfortunately, we live in a negative world so ya’ll have been successful in derailing my Fantasy Ride. It’s not right. I worked hard on that album!

I took my fans on fantasy ride through music. I gave so many shades of myself.

I really pushed myself as a woman, as a writer, as a producer, as a performer. I have grown so much. Unlike a lot of artists I didn’t rush my project. I wanted perfection, because I wanted to give fans my all.

I am in love with my music, it’s my lover, my friend, my everything. I gave my fans a first class ticket to music. Everyone else is giving them stand-by on Southwest.

But you all won’t let that be the narrative. You’d rather still crack jokes.

You know I’m not a man.

Whether or not I’ve bench pressed 50 Cent’s penis doesn’t matter.

What matters is that I’m an artist and should have my music heard.

So how can we get people like you to stop being negative and make that happen? My Fantasy Rise shouldn't be treated like MARTA.

Like I said I don’t need your advice. I need you to quit hating.

HATER. HATER. HATER. HATER.

Now if you’ll excuse me, me, Kim, and LaLa are headed to the Ivy.

Kiss my swag,

CiCi

---

Dear Ciara,

Have you heard of the phrase “sucking at life?”

If so, how about you stop, pose for the frame and be the visual embodiment of the term?

Since I’m behind the post that got past around more than copies of Rihanna’s last album (you mad?), I caught the not-so-subtle digs at me and those with similar opinions in that interview with the writer who took the stan approach to interviewing.

Let’s share two fun facts for the day:

1. It took me 20 minutes to write that post. If you can write, and the subject matter is easy and the target is even easier I’m not wasting that much time or brain cells highlighting the obvious.

2. When people point out something bad, don’t think they’re secretly in love with it. That’s a delusional and narcissistic way of taking criticism. Trust me: I meant what I said when I wrote it.

There are times when you have “nothing to do.” Same for the rest of the world. Keep that slick talk in the jar.

I was actually a fan of yours. I bought Goodies. I found you refreshing.

Sure you looked a little familiar and was riding the crunk trend, but you keeping your legs closed for most of your debut. That separated you from the rest of the pack.

Then someone whispered in your ear that sex sells. You were encouraged to ‘step it up’ – not musically, not performance wise, but hormonally.

Then came the muscle butt shots.

The splits.

Your glorified audition for The Player’s Club 2: EBT Don’t Keep Me in Fendi.

It’s not that you can’t be sexual. I mean, I loves me a whorish pop star. But there’s something that you and other singers like you don’t seem to get.

When Janet and Madonna spread their legs from east to west, it seemed as if they owned their sexuality. It tied into their music and image and was something that seemed organic.

You, on the other hand, seem to be following a formula.

A formula that’s now taken you from potentially being the new Janet to likely turning into the heir to Mya’s shoulda, coulda, woulda throne.

I heard that it really bothers you that Rihanna’s become a superstar, hence why you fired all of your old team.

Just between the two of us, did you want to push her off the stage? Or were you too busy frowning at the woman from E! that kept mispronouncing your name.

Here’s the thing: You were doing everything you needed to do to be a star.

You were different because you were one of the few who actually danced.

Not just dip it, pop it, twirk it, stop it.

You actually had some level of extensive choreography. Now all you do is twist a little and spread ‘em wide eagle.

Even he’s dancing more than you now.

Sex gets attention, it doesn’t sell music, especially not in a recession.

Do you really think we care about you licking Justin Timberlake's ear? Half of us ain't felt him since he ran away in tears from Janet Jackson. You didn't excite anyone but Jessica Biel.

Wanna know why Keri Hilson is doing well despite dancing like the slow on in dance class?

Her songs are catchy. The end.

She’s doing songs you should be doing. Were you late on your check the last time or something? Forget that diss and call her for a session.

A hair cut isn’t going to save you.

And as your ex-hairstylist put it:

“She has no identity. Still trying to find a look.

The pics of Ciara on the post for her twitter is my work, the beautiful makeup head shot was done a year ago in Atlanta, that other crap is Kiyah, wack . Please make a correction. We spent hours trying to find this child a look and she still bites and don’t listen to a list . She’s a year behind all of it . Crazy !, she would have been rocking it all before all if she listen ,now she looks like a knock off.”

You’re late!

You don't want my advice, but if I were you I'd:

1. Fire whoever has you dressing like Rihanna's drag queen of an older brother.
2. Burn that wig and the person who handed it to you.
3. Call Jazze Phae and Lil' Jon so you three can make a comeback together.
4. Stop being late. If you hear a song that's catchy and think, "Oooh this song will sound even better three years from now when I try something like it," delete the mp3 asap.
5. Stop acting so damn pretentious. Your are known for the matrix, not fighting world hunger.

In five years you've gone from multi-platinum burgeoning solo star to fading solo act who's one or two flops away from being a judge on So You Think You Can Dance. Speaking of dancing, get you a new jig while you're at it.

I think you have a lot of potential, but figure out who you are yourself for your next project. Let your label figure out how to market your actual persona after the fact.

Get it together soon or:
…will be the only goodies you serve to the kids.

Dueces up, your chart position is DOWN!

Your welcome,

Michael

That's The Type Of People I Hate

2009-07-24T12:27:00.005-04:00

I know, I know. Indulge me.

I consider myself to be a people person. I have always been a floater, so I've never been bound to any particular group. I like all types of people. These days, though, I've become increasingly annoyed with certain segments of the population.

Some have tried to place the blame of said annoyance on me moving to LA. I disagree, because it excludes the fact that the biggest generator of self-important jackasses these days can be found on the Web, not Hollywood.

With that said, indulge me in my list called, "You Make Me Want To Start Handing Out Birth Control On The Street."

1. The hipster, the blipster, the whatever you call the people who dress like 1983 but think on the level of someone born in 1810 B.C.

I am very happy that now more than ever Black men and women don't feel bound to dress a certain type of way. I'm not Marc Jacobs, but I can appreciate individual style when I see it. It's honestly refreshing.

Now, having a sense of style doesn't necessarily make you Andy Warhol or Donatella Versace. Sadly, that fact is lost on far too many people who seem to be legends in their own mind. These days everyone wants a title, their own particular brand, or whatever they think will make them seem "different" and thus "important."

More times than not, these sort of folks looking to be christened the next whoever don't really do anything other than dress up, walk around, and write two sentences about how haute they are.
That may earn them a little bit of attention via a blog, it may even boost them to the G-List or innanet famous status, but does it really translate into anything credible insofar as money and the mainstream attention that they undoubtely crave?

Perhaps it does and maybe I'm just late boots (I'm learning the lingo, bear with me), but it typically reads to me as the sort of attention that leads on to "famous for nothing status." That's cute when you're a Kardashian, Hilton, or Richie, because you have money from the jump and ties to parents with actual talent. It works for them because the weight of their last names, but if you're not on that level and you're just on a blog, well, you're just on a blog.

And now more than ever are so many people trying desperately to out do each other in the race to appear "different." They all end up looking the same, then have the nerve to try and be obnoxious about it.

I'm not going to even pretend I'm where I want to be professionally. I am not, but I work hard and I will get there. Fortunately, I'm not even there yet but I can spot a pretender a mile away.

I look at blogs, I see tweets, and I pick up on folks bragging on events that anyone in their 20s working in media with a gap not too distractingly wide can get into. If you're sense of self-worth is based on wearing something by a person who likely cares nothing about you to attend a party full of folks who aren't as pressed about the event as you appear to be go read a book.

Speaking of which, I would like to think that the generation out now with their sense of style and go get 'em attitude mirrors those in the Harlem Renaissance. Yeah, hell no. We're not even in the league of those in late 80s/early 90s. Why? Because a lot of us don't read.

Being fly is not an excuse to be stupid. Put it on a button or pay Pharrell to say if that's what it takes to get the message across.

I'd cut for someone who could dress and thought they were more important than they actually are so long as they could formulate a coherent sentence. I really would. A lot of people are assholes, but insight is insight. So many people in my age group are ridiculously vapid. There's no depth, no real sense of creativity. Just a desire to become a celebrity (or something close to it) because they've fallen into the trap of celebrity worship.

Which leads me to Type 02.

2. The person who writes about celebrities thinking they're one, too.

This isn't directed at any particular blogger. It really isn't. But, I will say I think sometimes this obsession with celebrity our society produces way too many confused people. I don't actually mind the wave of bloggers changing the media game. I think it in many ways, it was necessary. However, I do think [most] journalists (not all, even they suffer, too) are trained to realize that they are to tell the story, not try to insert themselves in it.

There is a line that shouldn't be crossed, but far too many people jig up and down through it because they're trying to get famous themselves.

If that's the case, get off the blog and go learn to play the piano, or take a pole dancing class. Hell, you're a blogger: Go find a rapper to slurp and get a lit agent. That seems to work well, too, these days. Whatever you need to do, go do it. That way you can stop wasting cyberspace talking about yourself when you know damn well people clicked on the link to read about what contact solution their favorite celebrity uses.

3. You Trapped In The Closet People

This is dedicated to the men and women who are walking vaccum and carpet cleaners late at night or in my inbox, but fake breeders during the day. I would go on, but if I did it would turn into my first book or something.

4. No Wait, The The Pretentious People Really Do Irk Me

I think this whole entry is really dedicated to them. I'm trying not to sound like a hater. There's a difference between constructive criticism and hate. Hate would suggest jealously, but I don't want to dress like Carlton Banks and Cruella Deville to earn a feature in a magazine that will likely be folded in three days.

I just want people to stop trying to convince me that they're cool, that they're fly, that they're meant to be a celebrity and just BE.

How much more fun are people when they're just being versus projecting all the time? Stop it. Some people may love me, other people may think I'm nuttier than a Snickers, but I am me. All the time.

5. The Folks Who Would Give Themselves Fellatio If They Could

There's self-confidence and then there are people who I feel like have themselves on their breath. It's OK, we know you know matter. Don't all of God's children important or something like that? Yeah, we got it. Now sit your happy self-congratulating ass down somewhere.

And: Bloggers who don't update their damn blogs.

With my punk ass, right?

Wait, wait, almost forgot: The Bougie Black Brigade

I don't know what post-Blackness is supposed to mean, but it comes across as another way for privileged middle class Blacks to separate themselves from their poor brethren. This isn't as prevalent in my generation as it is in the previous one, but they're still the ones getting most of the camera time.

I think every faction of the Black community deserves their voices heard, but it irks the hell out of me so many of this group turn their noses up at other Black people. Trying to live up to some white standard is passe, and as cold as it may sound, I look forward to the day that the generation still clinging on this to this us vs. them mentality passes on.

Despite are recent triumphs, Black people are suffering now more than ever. The last thing we need is some saddity colored regurgitating some bullshit from the yestercentury.

That's it. My rant is a complete. Call me a tacky hater if you must. I am not, but hey, since I pulled out the shovel no sense of stopping other folks from digging in.

Giving Brain Doesn't Make You A Brainiac

2009-07-23T11:00:00.004-04:00

You know, I really try to give Karrine Steffans the benefit of the doubt despite my overall feelings about her.

There are a lot of low self-esteem having whores out there slurping up your favorite bisexual rapper, but very few of them reach their goal in winning the lotto via an unplanned (for the men at least) pregnancy.

Those sort of women lack foresight, though. They don't get in an age where the media has created such an obsession with "celebrity" that even a story about Solange Knowles asking her barber for the Florida Evans cut is worth dissecting for hours. Karrine understands this, however, and was smart enough to figure out a way to profit off of society's two biggest obsessions: sex and celebrity.

So from her to go from video girl in videos no one remembers seeing to a New York Times best-selling author is impressive. I cring a little bit each time I think about her holding that title, but I respect her hustle.

Now that we've gotten the pleasantries out of the way, let's get to the real: She's a pretentious hoe with delusions of grandeur.

Let her tell it she is literary genius who seems to think she's a genius in a land of peons. To her credit, she's well spoken and doesn't strike me as an idiot like some of the woman who have tried to follow in her hoe stroll. Still, there's a certain way you speak to people and Superjaws, that ain't it.

I'm baffled by her wife and mother of two bit. Does she think we all suffer from dementia? People call you a hoe because of the things you did in the past that you yourself have acknowledge doing. People still call you a hoe because years after the book you were dropping hints left and right about which rapper just spent a vacation in your crotch.

If she weren't acting so "above it all," I'd probably be less inclined to bring up her antics. But she does so I must.

She is not Zora Neale Hurston. She is not Toni Morrison. She's not even Terry McMillan or Sister Souljah. She's Zane meets 106 & Park. That's all well and good, but please stop acting like you just wrote some Pulitizer-prize winning piece of literature. Before this video, that last time I've seen her on camera she was pulling out her husband's pair of anal beads. Before that, she was alluding to having sucked the 'Tussin out of Lil' Wayne --- and her son's toys were visible in the hotel room.

I'm glad someone called her out although I don't think it's the place of a journalist to do so. Or at the very least, not in that manner. On the other hand, Karrine criticized black media -- villifying it and again, trying to seem "above it all." I wonder how she likes them apples now.

Am I the only one irked by this woman acting like the Princess of Monaco? I don't believe someone's sexual activities alone suggests how they should be treated, but when you're entire brand is based on illicit sex with men - including married ones - shouldn't you take a minute, smell what you just did in your room, and fall the hell back on the cockiness?

And don't na'an one of ya'll try to get me to read this book. I've seen excerpts. I've gotten more insight from a stale fortune cookie. Besides, for every A-list rapper her tongue has entertained, she ended up with Eddie Winslow. I'll pass on the lessons.

So Who's Cursing Me Out?

2009-07-22T13:00:00.002-04:00

I know, I know.

You don't even have to grab your shoe and Joe Jackson me. I know I haven't updated this week. In my defense, I traveled to New York this week. The trip was intended to be somewhat leisurely, but it has become more of a networking-centered trip.

Trust me, I have plenty of posts ahead, and you can expect many updates tomorrow and Friday. Forgive me: I'm trying to do better in life. I just don't want to end up doing hoe shit, y'know?

So I'm coming.

In the meantime, I am STILL trying to get someone to help me with the switch to the dotcom. I have a host, installed Wordpress, and imported all of my posts. My issue is, was, and continues to be the layout.

Can someone help? Why won't folks let me be great?!

But yes, I am coming. Hold tight. Suck your teeth at me, call me a punk ass writer in the comments section -- I'll let it slide today. I am coming, though. I have lots and lots of plans for the site.

Taking A Stand For The White Man

2009-07-17T05:54:00.004-04:00

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

Admittedly, I have slacked on political news for several months now. I'm aware of anything major going on, but I haven't felt compelled to go deeper than the major headlines and write about something pressing issue because if I'm being honest I've become exhausted by recent political events.

I had reduced myself to getting a lot of my news from news sites and Jon Stewart, but even now I don't frequent the Huffington Post or tune into The Daily Show the way I used to. I was aware via Twitter that Sonio Sotomayor's confirmation hearings were going on this week, but I wasn't pressed to watch any of it. The main reason is the most obvious: She was going to be confirmed no matter what. This was all a simple formality where Democrats would praise her to no end while Republicans would get their chance to bitch and complain about Sotomayor's "wise Latina" comment.

When I did finally give in and turned on C-SPAN to catch a couple of minutes of the first hearing, I was immediately annoyed. These privileged, wealthy old white men had the nerve to try to pontificate about race and justice yet dance around (rhythmless) their own false senses of entitlement. Not to mention most of them showed themselves to be true idiots. All it did was make me mad and remind myself that if I ever do decide tobecome a Senator I damn sure better make it because if these dopes can do it, so can I.

Needless to say, I didn't last long watching the hearings and didn't bother to learn what was said. I did, though, stumble along this video from Rachel Maddow earlier tonight. I haven't watched her show in ages, but I've always appreciated her debating style. She does so respectfully with grace. No yelling, no insults...just the facts.

Even though Pat Buchanan is a racist nut she treats him with dignity. Now, I could get mad about what Project Pat is saying in the clip, but instead it makes me smile. Listening to old white men whine about their plight lets me know that change is indeed happening. Try as he might to invigorate some angry white man movement, it's not going to work.

Sooner rather than later they'll be the minority in this country, and with each passing day we won't have to look at things through their frame of mind.

He can try to dismiss Sotomayor as a affirmative action appointee all he wants. She will be Supreme Court Justice and she'll have a greater impact on history than he ever will.

Enjoy the clip and just try to smile and nod. The Pat's of the world see their time slipping away. He mad! Oh well. Maybe I need to return to my regular viewing habits. I need laughs like these.

If Ye Can't Take It, Don't Tweet It

2009-07-15T14:02:00.002-04:00

First, shout out to the penis pump and/or Arab who helped Soulja Boy grow five inches in like 36 hours.

Trust me I have no interest in the penis of an 11-year-old rapper, but since this minor is obviously begging for attention, we might as well give it to him before the next fame whore does something to one up him.

Maybe it's me getting older, but I am starting to despise nearly every singer under the age of 21. Perhaps, this is just how it's going to be from here on out but I find antics such as these no less irritating.

OK, so Omarion is older than 21 and I enjoy this picture (pause deez), but believe me, there are plenty of other natural shots to tide folks over. This wasn't necessary, but they want their fun. That would be all well and good if the likes of Soulja Boy, Teyana Taylor, Bow Wow, and others wouldn't take to the Web to whine about "haters" and the constant media scrutiny they seem to believe they're under.

I love how the internet has made celebrities far more accessible than any other time in history, but it no doubts has its drawbacks.

One being that you realize that many of these celebrities are presented as something completely different from who they really are. This was always an understood point to people born with a clue, but even if you have that hint of cynicism in you that says don't take everything for face value it's still a bit odd to see people counter their public images so strongly one tweet at a time.

Case in point both Soulja Boy and Bow Wow, who make it a habit to rhyme about how great they are, how much money they have, ~~how many dicks they slurp~~ how many girls they get, then randomly throw out so woe is me rant about how awful their lives are. A part of me reads those messages and feels compassion for them. Then like an hour later each are back to tweeting their regularly scheduled bullshit.

However, I can understand why some like Teyana Taylor would feel compelled to respond to criticism about her. I didn't know what the hell she did either, so it was nice for her to clarify. Yet it points to another problem I have with celebrities (or something) being so accessible: They're far too sensitive. Even before the age of social media many celebrities couldn't bear with anyone telling them anything that didn't remind them of having their left butt cheek massaged with someone's lips.

Now that anyone with a keyboard can get their e-thug on and say things to them they might not say in their face, it's hard for them to deal.

Wait, hold on. On second thought, I forgot what era we live in. They're plenty of jackasses who would purposely say something out of pocket to a celebrity if it increased the chances of them boosting their own profile. Still, you have to learn when to take in constructive criticism and when to ignore everything else.

It's a lesson obviously not learned from many of these artists with false senses of entitlement. In life there's no person that's constantly praised over and over again. The game doesn't change for the life of a celebrity...or those who pose as something closely similar to one.

You post up pictures of yourself with a hard on yet you say it's the media up your ass. You clown people for not knowing your resume, but outside of your Twitter account and the blogs we never see you actually work. It's not your fault people don't pay attention to behind the scenes where the real work gets done, but it's not that hard to grasp why folks might not know your purpose yet, no?

Oh and then you want us to feel sorry for you, but you usually harp on materialism and other nonsense to the point where most folks think you're so vapid they don't bother trying to muster up an ounce of "awws" for you because it's hard to take you seriously.

A lot of this is just part of growing up, which is cool, but I'm tired of people who obviously don't read enough toss out the word "hater" every other second because people get at them for the ridiculousness they themselves put out into the world.

There's a good chance some of you all reading this are looking at me like the internet's answer to Mr. Wilson, but I can't help it. We need to throw some of these brats in time out already.

If you can't it, don't tweet it.

May Michael's Ghost Haunt Them Both

2009-07-14T13:57:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, while talking to Mama Sinick on the phone, she made a request: "Michael (pronounced Mi-cawl...shout out to readers from The Boot), if you see Joe Jackson, can you punch him in the noise? Oh and if you see LaToya - well her nose would fall off if you touched it - trip her or something?"

I am more than ready to get on Papa Joe pimpin' out his son's legacy in a Satan-styled Zoot Suit, but I was trying to be polite towards LaToya. Ya'll know Toy-Toy isn't the brightest bulb in the room and the poor things mean well.

Then I read an interview she did with a U.K. tabloid telling all of her brothers business. Granted, anyone with eyes could tell those Jackson kids were purchased, but would Michael want his sister sharing that with the world? For money, no less?

Even more sickening is LaToya digging up a 7-year-old song and releasing it to iTunes as a tribute to her brother.

I wish someone had told LaToya to keep her nose and go be somebody's light skinned Naomi Campbell because this girl is by far the least talented Jackson in the bunch.

She cannot sing. She cannot dance. I can't even look at her walking without laughing. Yet she has the gall to not only keep pushing her subpart material, she does so on the back of her brother's death?

How tactless can you be, LaLeecher? Granted, this song is by far one of her best vocal performances ever, however, anything from her that doesn't make me instantly burst into laugher is considered somewhat of a win.

Mama Sinick added: "Oh and could you tell Jermaine to not try to hit those high notes anymore. It's over."

Hopefully I'll have the opportunity to do so, but right now, I'm too busy fighting the urge to curse out Michael's plastic lookalike and his no good Pops.

You have to love your family, but can most of us agree that some of our relatives just aren't shit?

There Will Be No Encore

2009-07-13T09:56:00.007-04:00

Are you starting to suffer from the effects of Michael Jackson fatigue? If so, grab you a pill because this is another MJ-related post.

Look, I was already a huge Michael Jackson stan before he died. My stanism has only heightened following his untimely death. What really makes me sad is after listening to his music (which I played regularly before he died) and watching his old performances it makes me realize there will truly never be another performer like him. It's not something just to say to be nice; it's the truth.

I've been reading list after list from various sites breaking down who could be "The Next Michael." There is no next Michael. Only a bunch of people who are alright but make you yearn for the real thing.

I've read the names floating around, but with respect to each of their talent, none match up and shouldn't be compared to Michael.

1. Beyonce

I read someone say Beyonce is the only artist delivering videos on par with those from the Michael Jackson catalog. As much as I love the "Freak'um Dress" and "Single Ladies" videos, I'm gonna vote no.

That's not a diss to Beyonce, but I think far too many people are so stuck on branding an artist "the next..." that they and their better senses get beside themselves.

2. Janet Jackson

I have never liked comparing Michael and Janet. I love each for different reasons, and their performance styles have some similarities but each are very much their own artist. Besides, that's far too much pressure for Damita Jo to live up to. She's still trying to live up to the standard she set herself. Let's not make it even more difficult for her by trying to get her to fill the void of her brother.

The Jacksons are a talented bunch, but let each do their own thing. No good can really come of any of them attempting to do Mike.

Need I say more?

3. Britney Spears

I like her and wish her well, but to quote B. Scott, "Bitch. Boo. Bye." That poor girl can't even keep up with her Janet Jackson impersonation anymore. The only thing she has that mirrors Michael Jackson's life is the paparazzi swinging from her bra strap. That I hope she handles better than Michael. But as far as keeping up with the Jacksons, yeah, no. Fail whale.

4. Justin Timberlake

I knew this comparison was coming. It's been around since Rolling Stone tried to christen him the new King of Pop. Folks aren't tired of arguing this point in vain yet?

I don't care if he bought Michael's old clothes from a garage sale at Neverland, sang songs rejected by Michael on his debut album, and tries his hardest to sing with that certain hee-hee-hee flair as Michael did he will NEVER be Michael Jackson. He's talented but he's the sequel to Elvis, not Michael 2.0.

5. Usher

I think Usher is the closet thing we have to Michael as far as an artist who can sing and pull off extensive choreography, but vocally he isn't as strong as Michael. As an innovator, he falls short, too. To his credit he has seen his own lookalikes, but it's nothing on par with Michael Jackson. Let Usher be Usher and stop the comparisons.

6. Chris Brown

I appreciate Chris Brown making it acceptable for tall people to dance again, but Michael Jackson at 9 vocally ethers him at age 20.

This is just a rehearsel video and listen to his voice. Case dismissed.

7. Omarion

Second verse, same as the first.

I think Omarion is very underrated when it comes to his dancing. I actually find him to be more fluid than Chris Brown and Usher. But, he makes Chris Brown sound like Donny Hathaway. His second album was good, but the nasally tone in his voice makes it difficult for him to ever have the same effects on people as Michael.

I think people forget that beyond his dancing, Michael was an exceptional vocalist. His ballads alone can move a crowd. I would buy an album full of Michael Jackson ballads. Can you say the same from #'s 6 & 7?

8. Rihanna

Sampling an MJ classic doesn't make you the heir apparent. They are both fashionable and known for their hair styles. That's about it. Whoever thought to compare the two needs to stop eating those random tree berries.

9. Ciara

If you really pay attention to Ciara - at least Ciara when she first hit the scene - her dancing seems a lot more influenced by Michael than Janet. But, now that she's failed using the Madonna hoe route (I like Madonna, but c'mon nah) for success, she's teetering on new school Mya status, not female Michael.

10. Anyone Else You Can Think Of

...don't bother. We will eventually find someone new who will change the game, but as for now, I don't see any of the current players replacing their hero.

Not to mention despite only having a high school education Michael was educated, well read, and quite articulate. Have you listened to interviews with some of the aforementioned artists? Yikes.

And while I have your attention, check out this performance of Michael:

Ya'll are so lucky I couldn't get near his casket. I might have gotten arrested for trying to pull him out.

LeToya FTW

2009-07-13T01:23:00.006-04:00

Do you ever just look at someone and think, "I want them to win?" That's how I feel about LeToya. It's not even because we're from the same hood (Hiram Clarke, stand up)...well not completely.

With a personality like hers it ought to be hard for anyone to dislike her. She's funny, she's personable, and she's genuinely positive. Even with her legal agreements with Papa Knowles and Destiny's Child I am sure there are plenty of ways she could have still thrown them under the bus without being backhanded with a lawsuit. Yet instead channeling her inner bottle of Lawry's she spoke kindly of them, her experiences with the group and continues to keep it moving.

To her credit, Beyonce and 'nem talked much noise about LeToya and LaTavia -- particularly in Destiny's Child first VIBE cover story. Toya never responded to their comments, which in hindsight is very classy of her. Some people might have had someone they knew still on the DC staff put ex-lax in Beyonce and Kelly's red beans and rice.

As far as a solo artist goes, I think LeToya has blossomed into a capable singer and performer.
I remember listening to the Anjel demo and she is now leaps and bounds ahead of where she was vocally at the time. I appreciate that Toya makes it clear that she's no dancer, but has at least stepped it up enough to where not many would feel compelled to give her a Ryu-style kick for two-stepping and body rolling off beat. I wouldn't be mad if someone launched a fireball into this dull crowd, though. They knew better.

I can recall how irritated I was hearing Toya constantly say she didn't think she could be a solo star while promoting her first solo album. I wanted her to be more confident in herself, but judging from these two clips it seems she's already there if not tip toeing around it.

I'm a bit cautious about LeToya Luckett's sophomore project. I'm hoping she can somehow rebound with a big second single, create a buzz for her album and consequently move enough units to cement herself a spot in R&B. I would've launched her comeback with "Regret," but "Not Anymore" grew on me and I've since become a fan of "She Ain't Got Shit On Me." I think each of these songs have potential if pushed properly. Sometimes I want to call her label up and ask the receptionist, "Why won't ya'll let my Clarke chick be great?!"

They've already blown it with Cherish, messed up J.Holiday's momentum, so now I'm worried the same may happen to Toya's Lady Love. Her flopping would make me kind of sad, ya'll. The kind of sad you get when you want some Chick-Fil-A on Sunday but realize they're only serving Jesus that day.

Why didn't they drop "Regret" first?

I'm going to hold out hope that things will work out. What I admire most about LeToya is that she is a hustler. She's done very well for herself despite being put out of the group at the height of their popularity. She's opened up a business, had a solo successful debut album, and she's starting to no longer be simply referred to as "that girl from Destiny's Child."

I really want her to continue to do better. Show those girls from Brownstone, Jade, and the members of Xscape who haven't carried the seeds of rappers you can have a career after your girl group days die.

P.S. I hope I don't sound more up her cooch than the camera man in the first video. I just like her is all.

Don't Let Bey-3PO Give You Nightmares

2009-07-13T00:00:00.001-04:00

Beyonce continues to bring out the inner jealous high school girl in grown men and women everywhere with her new video, "Sweet Dreams" (of a bigger budget).

As anything related to Beyonce typically is the reactions from folks across these internets have been mixed. The stans think the video was choreographed by God and directed by Moses while the haters use this video as further justification for why Beyonce needs to be burned at the stake and sent directly to hell (hell = life without a lacefront).

As a stan that still manages to dish out the spades when necessary, I think the video is cool. It's nothing groundbreaking, but not many things related to the Queen Bey are. Yes, it's rather cheap looking, but I think Beyonce makes up for it with her energy levels and the way she executes her choreography. She continues to improve as a dancer.

Give the girl credit: When Destiny's Child first made their way onto the scene it looked like Papa Knowles hired a paraplegic to teach them how to dance. After all these years Beyonce has blossomed into quite a decent dancer. She wouldn't make Janet flinch but if she worked at The Player's Club Diamond would be in the back sulking.

With that said I understand why some people may feel a little bored with Beyonce. Same weaves, similar twirks, and same essential set up from previous videos. Yet to make it seem like this was the worst video shot since Deion Sanders' "Must Be The Money" is a bit much.

You can't be mad that she's praised so much because everyone else by comparison is so terrible. That's not her problem. Can we at least agree on that? She didn't sign these "singers" who sound like they have Kermit the Frog subletting their throat. She isn't responsible for these pigeon toed girls who can't even execute the most basic two-step. It's not her fault everyone else sucks.

As I said, I actually can understand why some people are bored with her. I'd love a new hair color from her, a new tour stage set up, some music that showed some genuine evolution versus the same old thing with an adult contemporary beat. I get it. Beyonce needs to be challenged. Competition brings out the best in people. There's no one out there to threaten her place at the top. That's not her bad, though. You can pretend it's all on Papa Knowles, but that Negro is not Lucifer's sidekick. If he were Solange would be platinum right now.

Moving on, if you don't like the video, fine. But quit acting like Beyonce stole your man or your biscuit. And whatever girl you used to hate that she reminds you of, let it go. There's legitimate criticism and then there's talk that makes me question whether or not the girl owes you money -- which could very well be true since she gets sued every eight seconds.

Some of the comments I've read over the past couple of days make me worry as to whether or not I need to screencap some posts and forward to the FBI. It should never ever be that serious. Relax, relate, release.

Remember: Beyonce is just a singer....and the video is still decent besides being funded by the spare change in Beyonce's purse.

Leave Him Alone

2009-07-10T13:46:00.005-04:00

Blue is for press, gold is for entrance to memorial.

This week I've had to really fight the urge to ask my mama to mail me my old Black Power fist Afro pick so I could stab all of these people talking reckless about Michael Jackson literally 45 seconds after he was pronounced dead.

Try as they might to pretend that race isn't a factor, it is for some. I say that because as I've started previously people like Elvis Presley and Woody Allen aren't branded as pedophiles yet someone who was acquitted of such allegations is.

For as long as I can remember Elvis has been praised to high end yet if memory serves me correctly, he died on the toilet, no? They let his man go with dignity, so why not afford that same right to Michael Jackson? Or at the very least give the man some time to be honored for his contributions to the world before you dissect him even more than you did when he was alive.

Folks actually stood in line to take pics with Michael Wackston.

I was fortunate enough to cover the Michael Jackson memorial and take part in the service. At the time I was so busy working I wasn't able to really deal with my own emotions surrounding his death. However, once I left the venue a number of people approached me about the service after seeing me with the program in hand. The minute they saw me with that program they started smiling at me.To have people who barely spoke a lick of English struggle to ask me questions about the service really moved me. What was it like? How did it feel being there? And on and on their inquisitive minds went.

That is powerful because I have a sneaking suspicion any other day of the week none of those people would've notice me. Michael Jackson brought people together through his art. As an artist myself that reminds me of the power creative people have. A poor black boy from Gary, Indiana managed to become the world's greatest entertainer that cause fans the world to burst into tears the second they were in his presence. Black or white, rich or poor that should move each of us in some way. We are different but can be connected through a sing-a-long and a jig.

He was eccentric with questionable judgment at times, but look at the effects he had on people. Some media outlets have touched on us, but not enough. It's more so been along the lines of, "He was a drug addict, he touched little boys, he spent too much money, he did this, he did that, he was wacko Jacko." Blah blah blah.

Then you have jackasses like Bill O'Reilly argue that he shouldn't be a icon to people of color. Who the hell is Bill O'Reilly to tell me who I should or shouldn't admire? As if he really gives a damn about anyone besides Bill O'Reilly. I know his shtick is to be incendiary for ratings, but his rant about Michael is no less irritating. Jerry Falwell was a bigot but O'Reilly and others called for his criticizers to lay off following his death. Same for Reagan lovers when he croaked.

To be fair, when I look at Michael Jackson's children a part of me does get angry. I don't understand his obsession with the pale, the straight, and the blue and blond, but Michael Jackson is far more complicated a character than the media suggests. Though he altered his image, he was the first celebrity to use his fame to really push for people to give notice to the plight of Africans. He leveraged his celebrity to do so much charity work especially for minorities.

Michael Jackson had far more women of color as his leads in his videos than many of the rappers who claim to be a part of the driving cultural force of young Black America. Not to mention his sound, image, choreography and performance style were all derived from black art forms. He may have ended up as pale as they come, but the image and sound that made him famous were all quintessentially black. He did so much for us and should be applauded for his efforts despite his own shortcomings.

Then you have videos like these:

He seems far more aware than we ever gave him credit for. Yet, he morphed into this person who seemed as if he wanted to distance himself from blackness at least aesthetically. I don't understand it, but I think it speaks to the way he was raised and the generation he comes from. To that end, it's not for people who know nothing about black culture or the roots of where our self-hatred comes from to step in and take on the role of Pope of Black Folk. We are still trying to sent hints to Al and Jesse that we don't need publicists either.

I could go on, namely about how to this day we still have stars who have completely altered their appearance to look closer to someone with less melanin (Lil Kim) or those who play with certain looks in an effort to appeal to as many as possible (Beyonce), but you get where I'm going.

Michael Jackson was complicated. It's hard for us to understand what made him the way he was because we're not in his shoes. As a result, we should be more careful in how we present him to the world. Or if we're going to talk about these issues, do so intelligently and with some level of respect. Try to have some empathy for a man who went through hell before third grade.

It irks me to hear people who don't get it and don't want to try to speak on our behalf.

Give Michael Jackson credit for breaking down barriers and changing the game. Then shut your happy ass up for a minute and let fans pay tribute.

I wish more of these press people were like George Carlin:

At least someone recognizes game. May they both rest in peace.

P.S. You can't tell me Michael Jackson wasn't black doing this in the car:

I bet he did the stanky legg at least once before he moonwalked on out of Earth.

Lost One

2009-07-10T12:33:00.004-04:00

Sigh. Mario has decided to finally cave in and let a vigilante barber and a hack A&R rep transform him from the anomaly that was being one of the exceptionally talented vocalists left in contemporary R&B to yet another cliche.

Mediocre R&B song full of references to designer labels. Of course.

Cameo from current run-of-the-mil southern rapper. On deck.

Pseudo R&B-thug tinged appearance. Check.

Video looking like product placement 101. You betcha. (c) Sarah Palin

Leading lady someone of the 'other' persuasion. Who else would they get?

This song and its accompanying video are bullshit. There's no other way to say it. I really like Mario's voice and the potential in him. His last album was slept on, and the previous success he enjoyed with "Let Me Love You" proved that someone with a voice who's singing about love versus sex or love of materialism can still score a massive hit on radio.

But I imagine the receipts from his last album lit a fire under him to try something - anything - that could boost his profile.

Someone ought to whisper in his ear that this won't do it. Not only is the song not all that catchy, he's late on jumping on these trends. He looks very much like he's playing dress up and has made it even easier for Chris Brown to come back.

Mario, get a hair cut, call Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis or someone who can lead you back to the side of R&B that compliments your style and get it together. That ain't it, dude.

If you'll excuse me, I'm about to turn Michael Jackson back on. Ya'll can have that.

I Need Answers: King of Pop and Lock Edition

2009-07-06T14:49:00.005-04:00

In honor of the best to ever done it, this month's "I Need Answers" is dedicated to Michael Jackson. Rest in peace to the man who's been shit'on on you these hoes since he jigged out of the womb.

1. We get that he left his mama, his trust, and those kids his money, but who’s getting Michael Jackson’s array of fine hair weaves and wigs?

2. Who in the hell left the gate open and allowed Joe Jackson to step out in a zoot suit designed for Satan and talk shit about his new record label thirty seconds after his son died?

3. Does anyone else look at the state of Michael Jackson-less pop & R&B and get the sudden urge to lead a séance to call his spirit back?

4. Speaking of spirits, will someone tell Larry King to quit it?

5. Did CNN really need to find Bubbles for a report on Michael Jackson?

6. And if that’s the case, why haven’t we heard from Emmanuel Lewis and Macaulay Culkin?

7. Do you know that to this day, I still can’t spell Macaulay without wanting to quit this bitch?

8. Wouldn’t it have been dope if Michael Jackson and Madonna went through with plans to collaborate on “In The Closet?”

9. Can someone direct me to a bridge that I can push this conniving vulture over?

10. Am I the only one hoping Rebe Jackson performs “Centipede” at the memorial service tomorrow?

[michaeljackson_recentpurchases]

11. Did anyone else look at this picture and immediately get angry?

12. What does this ratchet blond call herself doing?

13. Anyone in on paying a Michael Jackson impersonator to whoop up on Joe?

14. Is it wrong to wish that Michael’s labels hurry up and package all of his unreleased material from the vault?

15. Is Moonwalker on DVD?

16. Was I still on the bottle when these came out?

17. Doesn’t the inherently negative coverage in the mainstream media of Michael’s death make you want to slap a bitch?

18. Michael Jackson was acquitted of child molestation charges. Elvis Presley married a 14-year-old girl. Why is the naturally pale one not branded a pedophile?

19. I loved him, too, but be honest: Even if you want to treat him like family, can we agree that mentally Michael could be a little off the wall at times?

P.S. Don’t stab me.

20. Can I get a shamon?

Me on BET on CP Time

2009-06-30T11:36:00.004-04:00

Forgive my lateness. To be honest, I planned on not doing commentary on the BET Awards this year.

I was actually at the venue working for the site, so I thought that would be enough. Then again, ya'll me know and needless to say, whenever I write for corporate entities the muzzle is placed on. I need this space to release. I just wasn't sure I wanted to bother releasing anything in this instance.

However, I've gotten IMs, emails, and Tweets like "Where's MUH POST, NEGRO?!" so I guess it was to be expected of me to rant on it. That makes me feel all special and shit. Thanks ya'll.

Alright, let me warn you now that I'm going to do my best to be as honest as possible. Yet at the same time, I honestly enjoy every little check that comes my way so this post and Google will not be infringing on that, ya dig?

Now let's hop to my thoughts on the Jamie Foxx & Ne-Yo Honor Michael Jackson Kinda Awards.

1. New Edition Cannot Sing Worth A Damn Anymore

I think it's great they took the time out of their oh so busy schedules to step in and pay homage to the Jackson 5, but Jesus be a throat lozenge for Ralph Tresvant. Why didn't they let Ricky or Johnny sing lead? God knows Ralph and Bobby can't do really hold it down the way they used to anymore.

And no disrespect to the Kang of R&B, because ya'll know I love him but he sure is big now, isn't he? I guess that coke diet is better than Master Cleanse. Homie looks like he ate his entire past before he stepped on stage.

2. You Don't Need 50 Men Around You All The Time

Why is it so hard to get these rappers and athletes to walk solo? No one is going to shoot you en route to the podium.

3. That's Elvis, Baby, Not Michael

Bless Keri Hilson's heart. She is trying so hard to be great. She's still not the best performer, but I would say this performance was a step up to previous ones I've seen. However, minus the pair of Michael Jackson's old shoes and socks she bought from Papa Joe in the parking lot, her performance looked more like influenced by Jail House Rock than Mr. Beat It.

And what exactly was that the point of that impromptu acapella performance she delievered at the end? Why won't some people leave well enough alone?

If you answer to prove she can really sing, you get an equal fail. Don't do that anymore, Keri.

Sidenote: She's gorgeous. Saw her on Friday while covering the rehearsals. She was shit'n on you hoes in sweats.

4. Two Points For You

Ne-Yo the Negro. I adore "Lady In My Life" and I think Ne-Yo did an excellent rendition of it. I'm not even a huge fan of him or his vocals, but he really did well last night and I'm more inclined to check out his material now.

5. Don't Do That Anymore

Ciara. What person with questionable hearing keeps telling this chick it's OK for her to sing in front of anyone besides her shower head?

6. Did Ya'll Know

That Jamie Foxx is going on tour? If not, you must have not watched a second of this show because they mentioned it every other second.

P.S. Go see Jamie Foxx on tour. That way, if someone reads this and sucks their teeth at me, I can at least say I tried to hold it down.

7. I Am Nothing Without You

Where was Soulja Boy's special friend, Arab? Soulja Boy isn't a skilled enough performer to be on stage without his man. Pause. Kidding, have ya'll seen those two together on YouTube? GO.

8. LeToya Luckett Is

...the cutest thing. I adore her. I need to meet her and take a picture. If you're wondering, yes I want us to both throw up the Clarke in the shot. I love this girl's personality. Someone give her a show. Now.

9. Mrs. Eh.

Beyonce sounded lovely, but I can't say I would be mad if I never saw the performance again. It doesn't help that I've seen it already from YouTube minus the hooker wedding dress she was wearing. Like I said, vocally she did well, but I don't care for these sorts of songs from her. They're devoid of any real emotion despite the attempts at passionate delivery. I believe she's better at masking that quality when performing something uptempo or at least with a bit more oomph.

And don't even ask me what the hell was that she was wearing. Consider it the only thing close to a wedding shot you're gonna get from her.

10. I Want To See

Skank Robbers. Best part of the show to me. Don't judge me.

11. God Goes Hard

When did Jesus hook up with Swizz Beats and why didn't yall tell me about it? It's been a minute since I've stepped inside of a church, but if they have anything close to what Mary Mary is singing, I'm done for a visit. I might even chip in the collection plate so they can get Auto-Tune.

Now, one of those Mary's turned me off by comparing people like me to murderers, but I'll just tell folks I went to see the other one. ''

12. Groove Me

The tribute was nice, but I wanted to see Guy perform "Groove Me." I still dance to that song. Don't believe me? Find me in the gym.

13. Keep It Short

They went a bit overboard with the mini-reenactment of Baby Boy. Michael Jackson is guns? The BET Video Music Awards?

Michael worked very hard to fight drug abuse in the 80s, folks.

14. Team Skinny

Monica gave it to ya'll in her dominatrix get-up. I cannot wait for her to come back. I was listening to "So Gone" yesterday and if she comes back with the right material I am positive (not really, but one can hope) she can find at least some lane for herself.

And also saw her over the weekend. She is ridiculously gorgeous.

Oh yeah, Keyshia was cool, too, but despite it being her song Monica stole the show.

15. Eh-Z

Jay-Z's material over the last couple of years is like hot for a millisecond, then you forget all about it and go back to the classics. Next topic.

16. Don Cornelius

I know he's like 107 years old, but he was rambling about a bunch of nothing in a voice far weaker than his backhand would suggest.

17. So Nice To Know You're Still Alive

Tevin looked like a homeless man they picked up off the street and gave a bath to, but at least he can still sing.

Speaking of people who can still sing, Johnny Gill is a beast. He, Jody, and Baby Kellz did a nice tribute. Better than the real ones. Don't tell Eddie Levert that, though. Don't want to be cursed out.

18. Somebody's Getting Fired

You can bleep the word "butt," but I come home and turn on my TV to hear shit. Nice.

19. And The Rest

Maxwell never disappoints on stage. Not everyone can say that.

So far, keep Drake on that list of those who can't. Wheelchair Jimmy is dope on the mixtapes, but not necessarily on the stage. I've noticed this. Granted, in this instance he was bound to a stoop, but something so far seems amiss. We'll see if he gets it soon, though.

As for Weezy and co. singing about smashing every girl in the world with his seed and underage friends on stage: I wish I could call every CPS officer in the world.

20. The End

Janet was touching. The closing performance was random. To be fair to Jamie and Ne-Yo, they did perform a combined 89 times that tonight.

Lastly, I'm well aware of the flack BET has received for its tribute to Michael Jackson. I get people's concerns, but seriously, award shows take months to plan and then days before the show is to air the greatest entertainer of all time dies. It's really hard to put together anything that would appease people in that short amount of time.

No, that's not me sucking up. Shoot, I had slave seats so I have no reason to suck up. I'm just saying.

I don't think the show was very good, but not solely because of the perceived lack of effort to properly honor my namesake. If they don't get it right later this year, then I'll understand everyone's grips.

Well that's it, someone drop a lil' change in my PayPal. I didn't nab a baller that night.

P.S. Jamie Foxx is going on tour.

P.S.S. Coming Soon: Jamie Foxx

Gay Be Gone

2009-06-25T15:46:00.003-04:00

I could sit here and write a lengthy diatribe about this, but I'm not really up for it. Reason being if you feel a certain type of way about gay people in lieu of your religious beliefs (or convenient interpretations of said beliefs), then nothing I say will convince you that this video has got to be one of the stupidest things I've ever watched in my entire life.

I could invite those marred with strife over their tolerance of homosexuality (or engagement) conflicting with their Christian beliefs to watch documentaries like For The Bible Tells Me So, but I get the feeling such a request would fall on deaf ears. Documentaries have never been what's hot in the streets.

Or I could invite you to simply forgo what you've been told most of your life, pick up the book and read it for yourself. Then do a little research, followed up with a second, third, and fourth reading. But reading is and always has been for suckers.

As is deductive reasoning apparently.

All I'll say is that while I do get frustrated, as someone brought up in church, I don't hate religion. I think it has value and has purpose. Faith is important for everyone regardless of what dogma it stems from.

However, I do loathe with everything in me how religion is used as a crutch by idiots to excuse their stupidity. I find faith with no sense of reasoning to be dangerous. History would agree.

I feel sorry for this kid in the video. Videos like this are the reason why so many people of various lifestyles succumb to mental problems, abuse, and misery.

Prayer can do a lot of things, but remixing genetics isn't one of them.

Jesus be a damn clue.

Selling Sex & Fries

2009-06-25T12:59:00.004-04:00

In nasty bastard news, a special shout out goes to the perverse mind who came up with this ad. As if Burger King hasn't gotten disgusting enough over the years, now when you think of meals at Burger King the phrase "semen snack" will pop into your brain.

I'm not being a prude; rather, just a person who can appreciate a clever ad when I spot one. That ain't it (c) Johnta Austin.

Like a desperate R&B singer clinging to her cooch to move units in lieu of wack material (more on that later), Burger King has opted to take the "sex sells" approach to selling food that has come to look about as appeasing as the inside of a can of Alpo. My stance on this is no different: It reads as desperate, and thus more off putting. It doesn't help the sandwich looks like a recipe for heart failure.

I used to love Burger King. Their onion rings were great, and when I ate beef, I thought the Whooper was a good alternative when one couldn't find a Wendy's or was sick of eating McDonald's. And their chicken nuggets - before they became anorexic - were good eating (as far as fast food goes). Same for their chicken whooper.

There's a Burger King around the corner from me. I don't really eat fast food as much anymore, so while Burger King has become somewhat of the Ross and Marshalls of fast food chains in terms of pricing, I do not want. If this ad was supposed to change my mind, marketing plan fail.

Maybe if they promise to give me a free kiddie crown from the old days I might be convinced to step back in time and engage them. If not, my heart will pass.

But it's not just BK jumping in on the sexy food angle to fatten us up.

Really, Quinzos? Y'know, I prefer them over Subway, but this is stupid, too. OK, let me stop sounding so self-righteous. This ad actually made me laugh a little, but I wanted to try these torpedoes anyway. If this ad runs late at night, then I suppose it's fine. But if this runs during the day time when kids are home, that's a negative.

Just last night I was tweeting about loving Kut Klose's "I Like" since I was 9-years-old. Why was I listening that at 9? Granted, I'm no superfreak, but you get what I'm saying.

I'll even give Burger King the benefit of the doubt and say if the poster were only hung in strip clubs or somewhere where not too many Happy Meal eaters could see it maybe I'm inclined to be less critical.

Ya'll let me know. Am I being a prude or am I being fair for not wanting my meals with a side of Trojan?

Politicians Jig, Too, Ya'll

2009-06-25T08:25:00.004-04:00

So it seems even politicians like to get their morning jigs in. Caught this video this morning and haven't been right in the head since.

First off, let me just say that I love Ms. Bobby. While she introduced Hurricane Chris to the house she straight called them out like, "Don't act like you haven't heard it." And she noted that they had cake in the back. That is some southern hospitality for you. She sounds like good people. I bet she could out booty do Soulja Boy.

As much as I love me some "Ay Bay Bay" and "Hallleeeeeeeee Berrrrrrrry," I'm not sure if it warrants a proclamation from the Louisiana State Legislature for outstanding musical accomplishments. Then again, Louisiana is the land of bounce music, so in that respect Hurricane Chris is keeping the tradition of helping people to barack that ass and make it go Obama (deep sigh) alive.

I suppose it could be worse: He could be saying I'm gonna sell you coke, give you a stroke, then poke you with a hollow point.

Please note that the older paler gentleman reading Chris' list of accomplishments before the House noted the position Chris' video on 106 & Park. Someone twitter that news to Terrence J. and Rocsi.

As for Chris, you can tell that he is eating this up. And why shouldn't he? He was called to the Lousiana State Legislature to be honored for a song he probably wrote in five minutes after catching the last hour of B*A*P*S on basic cable. I love that he tried to size up "Halle Berry (She Fine)" as a self-esteem boosting anthem for women.

In that case, are songs like "Monkey On That Dick" promoting acceptance of female sexuality?

I actually spoke with Hurricane Chris earlier this year. I helped do some of the reporting for feature on the southern dance movement for XXL. Chris is a nice dude. He didn't take himself too seriously and I didn't end the conversation feeling like I needed to send him some Dr. Suess (unlike some singers/rappers of every region). I've since made his quote, "You better respect it, check it, or get disconnected" my new life mantra.

I beg of you to please watch the entire video. This Negro performed most of "Halle Berry (She Fine)" before members of the state government. Then some member of the House asked him to make a song about someone else in the House because she's fine, too.

Between this and Michelle Obama taking her children to get bodied last night at the Beyonce concert in D.C., you can't tell me the jig movement is real. Stop sleeping.

My Jerry Lewis Game Is Proper

2009-06-25T08:00:00.000-04:00

I know, I know: It's a recession.

When your pimp calls you to say the block ain't hot like it used to be, it's hard to break off people with a little cash. I understand and I feel you, but I'm going to ask you to help my teacher friend help the babies anyway.

Here's the prompt:

A rousing game of Jeopardy is a favorite activity among my students. Currently, the game consists of the chalkboard, chalk, reading questions from index cards, teams raising hands (with arguing about which team had their hand in the air first), and some students who are bored with the board that would rather play video games.

I am requesting an interactive Jeopardy game system, with a classroom link and a blank cartridge. Your help will make it possible to provide students with an interactive learning experience inside of the classroom where students learn things in a way that is different from what they are used to in the classroom. It is an excellent educational tool that garners even the most apprehensive learner's attention!

My donation was very recession friendly, and trust me, it's not a hustle. Ms. Smith is a teacher at Willowridge in Houston, Texas. If you want to donate, click here.

If you don't, send it to someone that does and pray teacher can meet her goal. I'm not about to go all telethon on you, but I'll say this: Ya'll saw ATL. Do you really want to hear more children sound like slaves on skates?

I rest my case.

Who Wants To Drive Down 1-95 & Blast Some Rihanna?

2009-06-23T12:00:00.007-04:00

I think it's a good thing that Fist Brown's case has finally been settled and we can all move on from stewing in our respective soapboxes.

To be frank: Reading some of the user comments on various blogs made me question everyone's right to reproduce.

Take for instance yesterday where I read women saying Rihanna should've gotten community service, too. Excuse me, but I read Chris Brown beat her down, bite her ears and fingers, and told her he was going to beat her even more when they got home -- which leads me to believe that he wasn't a virgin in the ways of Ike Turner. Now, did Rihanna even pinch Chris Brown hard? Why should she work at soup kitchens when it was her who got banged up?

Oh, and then there are the people who say "Oooh, now the dirt on her is coming." What is wrong with some of ya'll out there in the world? Did your mama free base instead of breast feed? If Chris Brown really had anything to rationalize why he beat Rihanna like she bested him in a dance off, why on Earth would he cop a plea deal to a felony?

Chris Brown is now a convincted felon. How many packages of Doublemint gum do you think his newfound street cred will move? I'm not guessing as many as his own brand of soap on a rope.

You've got to be one delusional stan all caught up in his Kool-Aid grin (respect: I have one, too) to think he held back out of respect for her. If he respected her that much he wouldn't have banged up her George Foreman (thank you, Mariah). And if he really had anything on her that devastating it would've come out by now.

She might have been the aggressor in many other instance, and she may very well be out of her mind as they say. But, in the end, he beat her down in his car on a public street so if it weren't "as bad as the media (booga, booga, booga) had made it seem," then he'd be copping plea deals to misdemeanors, not felonies.

They tried that and it didn't work, so there you go. He's now playing with his tour money.

Now I've admitted to my own shallowness at times. We all suffer from it in varying degrees. However, you have to separate someone's pretty face from their actions. Especially if their actions result in you looking like a Crash Test Dummy the second they have a temper tantrum.

I'm going to pray, wish on a star, and drop pennies in the pond for some of you future frequents of the battered women's shelters across America.

All jokes aside, your temperament disturbs me and it's unfortunate patriarchy and the rampant misogyny in our culture has your mind remixed into thinking any of what Chris Brown did was acceptable.

While I don't approve of what he did and how he showed no remorse at all, I also hope Chris Brown gets the help he needs. It's for his own good anyway. If he even thinks about backhanding a girl he'll be doing the booty do from his bunk buddy in jail.

His career won't suffer too bad and as sad as that is, maybe it will dawn on him to finally speak out on what he did wrong. It's not hard to forget no one is perfect, but it's hard to embrace those who fail to acknowledge their transgressions.

And on that note, I'm done.

Image via That Bitch @ Rhymes With Snitch.

P.S. Is Chris Brown's publicist kin to Rihanna? Why is he giving his songs titles like "Smash" and "Not My Fault?" Someone close to you hates you, Chris.

Por Favor, Mi Amour

2009-06-23T11:59:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: That's about as much Spanish as I know. Thank you, k-12 education.

Anyhow, 'tis time for me to make my monthly request for solicitation.

If I can be blunt basically: Can you please go read my recession blog, register and leave comments?

Also, if you can provide any constructive criticism and feedback, I'd be most grateful.

Today's post is centered on women selling ass for cash on a discount. Basically: Sex isn't selling the way it used to, so is there still a point in spreading them wide eagle to the highest bidder if the pay off isn't what it used to be.

Of course, I didn't write it in those terms, but you should still check it out and more importantly, register on the site and leave a comment!

Don't you want to do that for me? No, well you should do it anyway! C'mon nah. Don't let me become a victim of the recession my damn self.

You can click to the right side of the page under the image of Rihanna struntin' to access The Recession Diaries or you can click here to read today's entry.

Please, like pretty Beyonce, Halle Berrrrrrrrry please?

Oh, and because of this thread's title I thought of one of the cheesiest songs ever.

Enjoy (well, not really):

Now go read The Recession Diaries (and my other blogs, too, while you're at it...shoot).

Today In Stupid

2009-06-22T09:31:00.004-04:00

There are people over in Iran risking their lives to stand up for freedom while some of us are over here wasting brain cells shouting at a comedian who made a joke in poor taste that he's since apologized for.

These misinformed minions are standing outside of David Letterman's studio to protest in an effort to get him banished from CBS. Such a scenario is about as likely as Soulja Boy becoming a Pulitzer Prize winning author, but hey, who am I to tell people to give up?

On second thought, I'd rather flat out say these people need to find a new hobby.

Why is the woman at the beginning of the video claiming Letterman made a rape joke? He did not, nor did was Willow Palin at an American basketball game. Curse the person who let her non-reading self board the bus to bitch in New York.

Then there's the old woman dressed like a bumble bee saying Letterman is too old to be hosting the late show. That's like me saying Paula Patton is too black to be getting work as an actress. Logic fail.

Even loonier are the people talking about fascism. Why in the hell are you talking about fascism on a show that features the likes of Paris Hilton and Beyonce? Same for the idiot woman trying to call David Letterman's child a bastard. If that's the case, what are you calling Bristol Palin's child -- y'know, since you're there supposedly to step up for the Palin family.

As for the fool talking about fascism and socialism rolling his neck and snapping his fingers at the black woman outside of the studio: Racist much?

"Close the borders. Save your children from David Letterman. He will rape them with his mouth."

I can't.

White readers - and I know ya'll are here - come get your people.

A Star Is Born

2009-06-19T10:11:00.004-04:00

Praise upon more praise to Brian from Concrete Loop for bringing this wonderful person into my life via his Twitter.

Normally, there's only so much I can take from people I feel should come with a tiara and batteries (no offense, but I'm just a calmer personality is all), but how you can deny this man's greatness? He is officially my favorite person for at least 36 more hours.

If you don't know, lambs go hard. If you wanted to send someone to North Korea to tell Kim Jong-il to sit his munchkin stiletto wearing ass down and stop causing problems, tell this lamb that he said Christina Aguilera sings better than Mariah Carey. One swift hi-ya kick to the throat (not like he'd have extend his leg that high) from him is the type of unilateral negotiation we need.

Moving right along, as you can tell from the video, rlaehddnjs is a sassy one inspired by the queen of all things pre-teen. Evidently, homie doesn't know English all well, but that's OK, though. It's not like the lyrics to "Touch My Body" are all that great of a representation of the language anyway.

Still, you can't help but laugh at him repeatedly saying "ram it in my thigh" and talking about his one lonely curve. Jesus be a link to AZlyrics.com.

And check the choreography. Clearly he's been attending the Mariah Carey school of dance. What a pity considering the Korean girl that used to always get on Soul Train probably has all of the free time in the world to get dude together.

Do you want to hear more of this diva? Of course you do.

Here's another classic performance:

As you can see, dude goes all out. He stole his little sister's shirt for this. If you can't get enough of him, do check out his rendition of "We Belong Together." I swear in the clip he's wearing Barney' s vacation shirt.

Hopefully this gives you laughs and you're not looking at me like my brain cells have committed suicide. No, they haven't but reading about Ayatollah Khamenei is depressing. This makes me laugh. So laugh with me.

Pop Five

2009-06-17T04:18:00.004-04:00

I can't dedicate a diatribe to all of this foolishness going on as it would kill more braincells than Cash Money's Greatest Hits, so I've decided to take "The Week In 10," divide it by two and square the sarcasm in a single post.

1. Bow Wow Treating Chris Brown's Jock as His Personal Swing

When I saw that video of Chris Brown declaring that he's not a monster, the only thing more irritating than his lack of remorse was Bow Wow chiming in with "believe that."

Never one to know when to leave well enough alone, Shad elaborated on why he's head cheerleader for Team Brown.

"Chris is my best friend, that’s my little dude. I hold him down. I think the media, when they took hold of it being that was the first time they just seen him and made a whirl wind. The business is business, [his case] don’t faze me. Friendships and best friends means more to me. So if he want me to be there for him, I’ll be there. I don’t really know Rihanna.”

Dear Bow Wow:

Tell me what that thang smell like. (c) Black Jesus

Just curious because you're treating Chris Brown's sac like it should be sold in Bed Bath & Beyond.

Thanks,

Michael

2. When Bad Hairstyles Happen To Big Heads

Rihanna is a very pretty girl, but is she one of those black chicks who don't have enough black friends around to point out when she needs a touch up or something? I'm a dude and even I know the back of her head shouldn't look that way.

I realized talking about a Black woman's hair can get you cut as evidenced by me telling one girl that her hairstyle reminded me of Michael Jackson circa the Bad era and in turn being on the receiving end of the clap back from two females. However, I'm just looking out for Rih-Rih.

Same goes for La-La. This actually looks better than Cassie's cut, but I can't believe all of these people raving about how "daring" LaLa is and how the "average chick" wouldn't do it. That's because the average chick doesn't have a multi-millionaire for a baby daddy. If every woman could try silly hairstyles from the 80s then have some weave fresh off the head of a hungry girl in a Third World country shipped over in a day just in case they look crazy I'm sure more would rock the Cassiela cut, too.

I may not know all of the intricate details about a Black woman's head, but I know bad hair. Remember I am the fool that let a Korean jack up my hairline.

3. Baby Ben Vereen Breaks Free

May 27, 2008
Uploaded by 2008co2008. - Explore more family videos.

You were saying, Usher?

I don't take any joy in this. I feel bad for their two kids. While it's good that they won't have to be raised in a house by two people who can't stand each other, they're very young so it's still quite unfortunate.

I will say this, though: Though Tameka doesn't seem as mean as people let on if you go by her tweets, she still strikes me as the type you don't want to piss off. Have fun with that divorce settlement, Ursha.

4. Sarah Palin Still Pissing People Off

David Letterman's joke was in poor taste, but Sarah Palin is a media whore who pimped out her children to push some moral agenda she nor members of her family lived by. You want privacy for your family yet your teenage daughter who just had a baby is on the cover of People magazine.

I'm tired of this moose killer and her us vs. them style of campaigning (which is what she's doing with these Letterman tirades). Isn't she supposed to be back in Alaska blowing kisses to Putin from an iceberg? Her 15 minutes have been up.

5. Nivea Starts E-Beef

Via her alter ego's MySpace:

Mood: betrayed

Wanting everyone to know that Shanell (the background slut that sings with lil wayne) is a piece of trash and not to be respected! she smiled in my face all whi –

First, no one uses MySpace like that anymore. Get on Twitter.

Two, why do you have an alter ego? That's so 2008. Make it stop.

Three, Lil' Wayne is on a song talking about his desires to fuck every girl in the world. He seems to be staying true to his word as he's on pace to knock up half the population. Why would you think he would be loyal to you?

He had a kid by some Asian baby and apparently has both Lauren London and Nivea calling up Wayne to say, "You are the father."

Yet instead of being mad at Wayne, she's pissed about a background singer possibly getting it in with an obvious womanizer.

Someone pass along this video to each of these women:

Afterwards we can start a prayer circle and ask God to give each of them a clue.

Do you see why I had to condense all of this nonsense into one post?

I Don't Want To Let Auto-Tune Go

2009-06-17T03:26:00.007-04:00

I know the Pop-Pop of Hip-Hop has declared the death of Auto-Tune, but in case you missed the previous post, I could care less what he thinks is over (and I'm a fan). Besides, I've already forgotten his song (Reasonable Doubt >anything post The Blueprint).

I will admit that Auto-Tune has been overused to the point of ad nauseam, but I would be lying if I said I still didn't get my morning jigs in to certain songs that use it. Yes it's a gimmick, but unless the song just completely sucks, I'm not that pressed if an artists decided to channel their inner T-Troutman.

Burn at me at the stake in the comments section if you must, but here are a couple of songs that use Auto-Tune that I still like.

Mariah Carey: "Obsessed"

OK, so this song hasn't even been out for 24 hours and I'm starting a list with it...I get it. Lamb game proper.

I understand some of you are longing for the days where Mariah sang schmaltzy ballads that highlighted her purported seven-octave range. To that I say: That's what iTunes is for. It's the perfect outlet for you and your credit card to reminisce.

Is "Obsessed" on the level of anything found on Butterfly? Maybe if you're high, it is. Otherwise, it's just it's a fun song with funny one liners. Mariah swears she's going to have big ballads on the new album and only released this because she wanted a fun record for summer. I'll take her at her word and embrace my inner peacock in the meantime.

If you're wondering where that phrase came from, well, when I was on Twitter I said this song was a cluck anthem, but Stilleto Jill worded it much better: "Release your inner peacock ( a much prettier bird)."

Thank her. Follow her.

Mary J. Blige feat. Drake: "The One"

When Mary was asked about Jay-Z's "D.O.A." she hit back with:

"I won't say that it bothers me, because people do what they have to do," she told Martinez. "I can't pass judgment. Everyone else does what they do, and everyone has their own opinion. To each his own. Do what you do, because I do what I do."

Translation: "I don't give a damn."

Nor should she. I love this song. More and more I'm feeling like I should be calling her Auntie Mary, but in her defense, she would be the cool Aunt. The one who gets drunk and tries to do the Halle Berry at Thanksgiving. Speaking of drunk, when I first heard this song I could've sworn Mary was shouting, "STOP LOOKING FOR LIKKA STO'" in the hook of the track. I've since realized she's saying, "Stop looking for...for..."

That's not as fun so sometimes I still sing the lines as I initially thought they went.

Either way I can't wait to see Mary break out her 1992 moves in the video.

Steph Jones: "Shooting Star"

I thought I was random until I read Steph Jones' tweets. Actually, I still am, but his level of randomness is leaps and bounds ahead of mine yet for some reason it's very refreshing. Anyhow, I was somewhat indifferent to him when he was with DTP, but the more I listen his music the more I take to his more ecletic style of music. This song uses Auto-Tune and I like the way he uses it so much I still would like one of you to get me a vocoder for Christmas. As you all know, I celebrate Christmas in both December and July, so gon' head and hop to it.

Young Money - "Every Girl"

Want to know how much I like this song? Catch me in the club when this song comes on. I'll rap Wayne's first word-for-word with so much energy you would actually think I was into that funny shit (i.e. the cat trap). Yeah, I don't like her, ain't worried about her, and would push her out of the way to get to her brother, but the fact that I'll sing the song like I wrote it proves how much I enjoy this song.

Then there's Kanye's last album, select tracks from Drake, and T-Pain's entire catalog.

I really do agree that someone people need to be smacked upside the head by T-Pain's big ass chain for overusing Auto-Tune, but until Chaka Khan comes out with an Auto-Tune assisted single, I'm not ready to give it up just yet.

You know what I would love to see wane off in rap? How about promoting the drug culture or rappers pretending to be in the Italian mob? Ooh, what about misogyny? Even better: How about rappers pushing 40 starting to act their age. I mean, if we're going to put a bullet in Auto-Tune let's kill off some other bullshit, too.

Whoop Rico

2009-06-16T13:01:00.003-04:00

What's going on readers? I thought we were better than this. Are you all punishing me for not updating enough? In my defense, I write a lot everyday. Plus, ya'll know I'm training to get in go-go boy shape should this whole writing thing not pan out. Do you know how many trips to the gym and consultations with plastic surgeons that entails? Your man is busy!

I know some of you may be Lawry's about me not posting enough, but c'mon nah, how could you keep this dance away from me? Do you want to know how I found out about this? My LA-based roommate had to fill me in. And she got it from some other person who knows very little about southern dances. That person only knew because she saw Elmo doing it.

ELMO!

Elmo knew about this dance before I did. That ain't right, people. That ain't right.

But you know what, it's all good. I should be more engaged in this anyway. I get my morning jigs in, but I've been rocking the same old twirk to the same songs for too long. I needed to be on the hunt for new dances anyway. However, this right here isn't going to cut it.

This dance reminds me that ya'll are getting older. It's like they took a beat, screwed it, then watched the "Thriller" video then decided to put a country meets retardation spin on it. Speaking of retardation, whenever they say "Whoop Rico" in unison, I want to pretend my wrist had a seziure, put it under my chin and move it back and forth really fast.

There is something really different about ATL dances. Ya'll tend to be a bit more violent with ya'll's. I'm not sure who Rico is and why everyone wants to whoop his ass, but I'm not all that keen on learning this dance. I mean, don't get me wrong, later on today I'm going to pay closer attention to the tutorial just in case, but still, that doesn't mean I'm going to actually do it.

Not that they play anything worth dancing to in LA anyway.

In the future, though, don't hold out on me. It hurts our 'e-lationship.'

That Obama

2009-06-15T01:00:00.005-04:00

As I've made it clear multiple times in the past, I like ign't southern music. So much in fact that I don't think I can dance to anything else. Take this weekend for example. I was supporting my friend - a promoter - who was having this event at none of your damn business. I know what crowd he's into so I wasn't expecting to catch a case of the jigs. Sorry, techno music is not nor will it ever be my thing.

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

No. Hell no. You must be crazy. Negro, White Man, Asian, Latino, Arab, Mariah Carey please.

I can't do it. While I'm glad the event turned out well for him, I had to sneak in a midnight jig to satisfy my spirit. That led me to one of my favorite music blogs, Nola Bounce. As you know, I love bounce music. I wish more people knew about it so they can get the credit they deserve. Shoot, half of ya'll are dancing to songs that swagger jack old bounce songs anyway.

That said, I check out this to find old gems or maybe new ones. Remember how I mentioned breaking my iPod dancing to "Sex Shooter" in the bathroom? Yeah, I never recovered all of my songs. I try to get whatever I can from this site. They have classics like "Monkey On That Dick," old Juvi, etc.

Before you even go there: I know these songs are terrible. Some are all sorts of stupid and should not be supported by the likes of a college educated Black man. But yeah, I'm country as hell and bounce always does the trick. Forgive me, brother Malcolm.

Anyhow, I'm checking out the site and come across an entry entitled "That Obama Bounce." I instantly sigh as I know where this is going.

Turns out the song is called "Barack That Ass & Make It Go Obama."

They have the nerve to take a standard bounce beat, mesh it with Mary J. Blige's beat from "No More Drama" (or I should say, the theme song to The Young & The Restless) and toss in a few of the Obama campaign's slogans and make a two minute tribute to stupidity. Even I have my limits and this song has reached it.

You silly coloreds: It's people like ya'll who keep the Uncle Ruckus' of the world employed by Rupert Murdoch.

After I listened to this song I got the sudden urge to call the KKK and ask if they offer honorary memberships. Ooh, I love my people but some of ya'll make it too easy for Michael Jackson to swim in a pool of bleach. Why?!

Oh and it gets worse. Do ya'll know there is weed named after the President? That's right, I've heard people say they wanna smoke that Obama. I wanna lace their shit with Ritalin.

Come on, Black people. You can make dances out of funky legs, video games, or your favorite combo from Popeye's, but please let's not reduce the first Black president to "Barack that ass and make it Obama."

And even though Barack Obama himself has Newport mouth, that doesn't mean he wants you to name bricks after him. He wants you to read and stimulate your brain cells, not smoke a blunt and murk them.

When Tributes Become Diss Records

2009-06-15T00:00:00.003-04:00

Have they changed the meaning of the word tribute and no one told me about it? This is Deena Jonez, an unsigned artist (shocker) being spotlighted on World Star Hip Hop. As you can see, she took a cue from Janet Jackson's classic "Nasty Boy" and flipped it into something they're calling a "tribute."

I'm not one to kill anyone's dreams, but that ain't it (c) Johnta Austin.

It's not anything close to it.

I'm sure it never will be it.

In fact, Deena should never try it again.

This video looks like it cost .75 cents. No wait, $5.25. My friend on AIM said he got that shirt one of the guys was wearing for $4.50 at Aero.

I know Janet Jackson hasn't given us much to be proud of in recent years, but no one deserves this. I'm sure Janet would rather you spit in her face or take away her peach cobbler than post a video like this on the internet and call it a tribute.

Not to mention this video makes me ask one important question: Who gave her clearance to sample the song? It's bad enough Plies was able to get Janet and her song for a remix, but now this chick gets a pass? What's going on, Damita? The family sucking your investments dry now that Michael owes nearly every person on Earth at least $7?

Morning Jig

2009-06-09T03:24:00.009-04:00

Yes, that's me dancing on the sidewalk. Don't act like you've never done it.

If you don't have health care and refuse to commit a crime, I have the next best solution to taking anti-depressant drugs. When you wake up in the morning, give yourself time to lounge around a little, meditate, maybe even channel your inner T-Boz -- do whatever morning vice(s) work for you basically. Then, turn on your computer or grab your iPod and turn on the most ignorant song you have. The second you start hearing some functioning illiterate talk about guns, ass, cash, or all of the above from your speakers or headphones, get up and dance.

If you have enough time, find another song and then repeat the step.

Yesterday, a friend of mine told me that I get more ign't by the day. That may very well be true, but you know what? Whenever I take a minute to jig and act the fool solo, I feel much better. There have been times where I wanted to commit jihad against people who could very well be their own birth control ad, but instead of blowing up at them I turn on my music and let it go.

No, this isn't praise dancing. It's more like p-poppin, only we're not gonna call it that because that would make me sound like I should come in a box with a biscuit and Cajun fries. I don't need any of you leaving comments like "cluck if you buck."

My taste may be a little different than yours, but here are a few songs that help me start my day.

UGK - "Take It Off"

A classic and don't you ever forget it.

The Hot Boys feat. Big Tymers - "I Need A Hot Girl"

Second verse same as the first.

Trina - "Look Back At Me"

She may act like she's a Sunday School teacher on Twitter, but we know better.

DJ Duck - "Buss It Open"

OK, so I already know you're judging me, but in my defense, I was trying to be classy about it so I avoided better songs like "Monkey On That Dick" and "Gimme What You Got (For A Porkchop)." I imagine anyone from New Orleans, other parts of the Boot, and Houston and Dallsa didn't flinch one bit at the song titles.

Geisha - "Shit'n On You Hoe"

I think Fresh everyday for bringing this song to my life. When you are feeling down, turn this on and remind yourself that you are beautiful, intelligent, wonderful, and if you twist it the left, to the right...to the left, right, left, right.

Sidenote: There's nothing like driving with this song blasting and scaring older Korean women. True story.

Guy - "Groove Me"

Don't even try it. This song may be as old as segregation to ya'll, but I love it and if I choose to sometimes dance like flat tops and acid wash still matter, let me make it.

Apollonia 6 - "Sex Shooter"

I think the best way to dance to this song is on a public street in midtown New York with a woman six months pregnant (true story), but I know easier said than done in Kentucky or Korea (hey, I don't have a passport, but my blog does) so try the mirror in your bathroom or something. Just be sure you don't drop your iPod in the water trying to kiss the gun (true story).

I'm going to cut the list now, because if I keep going this will turn into an anthology long entry. If you follow me on Twitter, I usually share my morning jig track of the day.

Also, Kid Fury has the feature "Hoodrat track of the day." That's a good way to build up your collection.

You may think I sound crazy, but trust me, this helps quell my desire to throw my Blackberry against the wall -- and I just bought that phone.

For the record, as I've said previously, make sure you maintain some sense of spirituality. Bird anthems can only do so much for the soul. Jesus before jig, Allah before Absolut, all that.

That being said, for those of you who won't act too good, what gets you going in the AM?

Praise M

2009-06-09T01:49:00.002-04:00

The devil is a liar...and apparently can be super sized.

I get that this is all in jest, but I actually have a fear that somehow, someway this video will find its way into the inbox of some marketing executive at McDonald's and that person will in turn create a publicity campaign around a bunch of happy fat Black people singing about chicken nuggets as if they were created on the eighth day.

McDonald's has already offered to pay rappers to mention they drink Nuvo with their Big Macs. Then we saw that fake R&B song with a real member of R&B's failed male band club. Now you've got Dwele leading poetry and soul night to shill that McSwaggerJack coffee brand the company is hoping will give a recession bitch slap to Starbucks.

Any day now McDonald's will have commercials of us eating Mickey D's at the car wash on MLK.

I Need Answers

2009-06-08T14:30:00.002-04:00

1. Couldn’t Michael Jackson at least have purchased some Creole or biracial kids?

2. Shouldn’t Eve have claimed those tweets aimed at Chris Brown as hers considering she hasn’t been relevant since the launch of the Palm Treo?

3. Did Bow Wow really say “Can I get two snaps in the chat room?” the other day?

4. Though she may be pretty, am I the only one who thinks Cassie has the body of a transgendered Japanese man?

5. What kind of lucky charm does Janet Jackson have between her legs?

6. I still get confused. Is this what they mean when they say “cunt boots?”

7. Am I the only one who thinks that new Kelly Rowland song should be sent back to the 90s rave it came from?

8. Give me one word to describe this.

9. Jay-Z is a 40-year-old who dresses like he’s 21. Should I care what trends he wants to die?

10. If I released an album this week and it only sold 12 copies, would I still make the top ten on the Billboard 200 next week?

11. Doesn’t Lil’ Wayne’s “Kobe Bryant” sound like what if fellatio came with a beat?

12. As far as the pause police goes, isn’t the idea of keeping tab of any and everything “suspect” a pause in itself?

"I've been in the biz 17 years, so everyone is used to me naming my records. So I wanted to mix it up a little. I want whoever listens to the record to call it what they want, name it themselves based on what they feel listening to the music."

13. What the hell is Pissy talking about?

14. How long before Rihanna starts wearing her hair like Little Richard?

16. Why not get a matching bracelet saying “Shoot my ass?!”

17. Does anyone have an mp3 of the theme song from 227?

18. Am I the only one who feels like Twitter is ruining the mystique of some celebrities?

19. Speaking of Twitter, are you following me? (Self-promotion game proper)

20. Does she even bother trying to dance anymore?

If I Were A Pub

2009-06-04T03:28:00.003-04:00

Yet another reason why publicists need to join together and start a revolt against Twitter. It's making their jobs way too hard.

Judging from past interviews, I imagine the members of Icky Ricky wouldn't know media training if it knocked them upside the head with a lawsuit.

I have to admit, though, I would've never heard of their new single if not for Spectacular's stunt, so while he's obviously raised his profile I'm gonna assume overall this may have not been the best move for him.

Bless his uneducated heart for continuing to lead the "I ain't a gay, I just dance like one" campaign, but I wish someone would be kind enough to sit him down, speak slowly, and help him understand that he needs to turn the camera off for a second.

That or quit fighting the urge to pop back at those who thinks he pops his hips for dudes.

I'm not a publicist, but since I'm hearing that even some of my favorite writers have turned to "the dark side" because there ain't nothing going on but the rent, I thought to give this PR thing I try.

You know, just in case my readership stops growing and my profile gets this bitch slap down to the floor.

Now if I were a publicist designed to inform Spec about why channeling "T-Shirt and Panties" sans the t-shirt wasn't the best idea, I'd say:

1. You could dance around in overalls and flannel like the Brawny man and there's no way in hell you're ever going to erase the image of you dancing in red manties from people's minds. What's done is done.

2. I've come to learn that the only women that enjoy these videos are girls about three years removed from their first periods. If I were you, Spectacular Smith (Jesus and Human Resources wept), I wouldn't keep re-tweeting their messages. Doesn't sound like a rumor killer; seems more like a felony.

3. If you are a grown man challenging other men to a grind-off wearing Victor's Obvious, there's no sense in trying to accuse other people of being gay. If ye ain't gay, ye ain't gay. But trust me, homie, you're not going to win a competition of who can out stereotype who.

4. Sure you dance like a male stripper, but a lot of people stereotype male strippers and say they swing from trees versus digging in the sand. Is it right? Is it fair? Don't know, don't care, but in the future, understand you're not helping matters by saying "I'm just dancing like any male stripper." You might as well shoot your next video with a banana in your mouth.

5. And just so we're clear, unless there's a magical way for females to use their vagina's as a key, there's no way you can post a video online and say "ladies only" and expect only women to watch it. Not every man watching it may be gay, he may just want to laugh at your silly ass. Either way, it's redundant to say ladies only online.

I don't know 'bout ya'll, ut I think I could have a future in this.

Got Questions?

2009-06-04T02:55:00.001-04:00

I normally don't mix the two (my blog, my work) that often, but if you have any questions for Tia Mowry about The Game feel free to leave them in the comments section.

Supposed to be interviewing her on Friday for the Stay Tuned blog on BET.com.

Edit: Interview is up, ya'll. If you have a minute, check it out here.

Blogging Betty

2009-06-04T02:52:00.004-04:00

I know, I know: "Where the hell have you been?"

I am sorry, but things have been busy, and well, ya'll told me not to strip so I had to work my keyboard like it was a pole.

I'm definitely still planning things for this site and trust me when I say it includes a section for PayPal where ya'll can toss your change into my account.

In any event, yesterday New Hampshire decided to be the sixth state in the union to "send this country to hell" as some of my kinfolk would say.

As I've made it clear repeatedly on this here site, I think everyone deserves the right to be miserable. I still remember having a polite debate with a friend (who will probably be somebody's governor one day) who tried to drill it into my head why civic unions were an appropriate compromise on the issue of gay marriage.

After he finished speaking I responded with three words: Separate but equal.

He gave me that smile like, "Dammit," and that was that. Civil debate. Yes, pimpin', I can engage in them.

The other day, I spoke to another friend about my frustration with some religious people. Actually, wait, it's not religious people per se. It's people in general who basically regurgitate information passed on to them versus taking the time to learn about a subject before they pontificate on it.

In this instance, though, it just happened to be pseudo religious folk who know about as much about their faith as white people know about s-curls that irked me.

Naturally, gay marriage is a very divisive topic. I'm pretty sure many of you will not agree with my opinion on the matter and that's fine, but I don't care for when people cite the Bible on 'traditional marriage.'

For all of the wonderful lessons in there, people neglect to mention how rape, abuse, and murder are condone in certain instances. Not to mention polygamy, incest, racism, and slavery. Indeed people pick and choose what to believe.

That being said, though this video is satirical, there's often a lot of truth in humor.

I imagine some will object to this and speak of taking things out of context. To that I say, learn about the history of the word 'abomination' and then holla at me about taking things out of context.

I believe in God, I pray, and though I am not perfect, I try to do right by people.

At the same time, certain things never added up to me, and all jokes aside (yes, that includes the Betty video) I truly hope in the future we can have constructive debates about faith, and more importantly, how it affects our governing (which last time I checked, was still supposed to be done separately).

I don't think religion is bad at all. I think the inclination to use it as a weapon against people, which has happened countless times over centuries, is awful.

He's Not A Monster, He Just Bites Like One

2009-05-28T13:56:00.004-04:00

I don't wish failure on anyone, but I wish there was something that could humble Chris Brown.

I know I'm about to step up into a soap box, but when I read comments like, "Hit Rihanna for me one more time, Chris!!!!!!!!!!!!" I get angry.

If Chris Brown looked like Flavor Flav or hit any of the mothers of these young girls defending him to the death, I have a hard time believing so many people would rush to defend him.

Look at him, standing there in front of the camera reducing every legitimate form of criticism leveled his way as "hate."

He is accused of beating, punching, choking, and biting a woman in a car in a public street. I don't care that the woman in question is Rihanna. It's a woman and as a man double her size and two times stronger than her he is dead wrong for beating her that severely.

But by saying this, I'm a "hater." I'm the one that's wrong. The one who should "mind his own business" given that I don't know the "full story."

I saw a picture, I read a police report, I'm well aware of the physical make up of the accused and the victim. I know enough.

There I go hating again.

I am so sick of that word. As I tweeted the other day, if you removed that word from people's vocabulary for a day, chances are a bunch of people would be channeling their inner Helen Kellers.

I've read the comments from other bloggers making the case that it's just as wrong for a woman to go at a man. I completely understand that sentiment, and wrote about my own experiences dealing with the matter, but let's be honest for a change: I believe in equality, but I'm aware of genetics. Men are usually stronger than woman.

Should we all be open to the same opportunities? Of course. Are our punches gender neutral? There are exceptions, but in most cases, no.

Stop pretending otherwise.

Even worse is the belief that he should be given a second chance. Of course he should, but by that same token, can he show a little remorse?

To me it doesn't matter how "crazy" Rihanna is. If she's that insane, you break up with her. You don't beat her down from head to toe.

Between him hitting the jet skis after being arrested, pleading not guilty to charges, and promoting his album in his very first public appearance since the incident, it proves that not only his is he arrogant and doesn't understand the severity of his actions.

He believes he's untouchable, and sadly because of his celebrity and wealth, along with rampant misogyny, he has reason to think so.

He's been accused of beating up photographers in both California and Florida. He's been accused of getting rough with a South African actress after she gave him the cold shoulder. He's been charged with beating up his girlfriend.

What does he have to do to convince some that he shouldn't be defended at every cost? Knock them upside their own heads?

Nevermind, that probably wouldn't do any good either. Imagine those he hit would convince themselves that they had it coming.

The only Black celebrity who I've seen come out and publicly speak against Chris Brown is Eve.

Via her twitter:

hold on hold on!! im just gonna reach out to some of ya'll out there and say this bluntly, why do ppl keep tryin to protect chris browns ass

hes guilty until proven innocent, and no man should ever raise a hand to a woman, im so sick of people kissin his ass..yeh i did just watch

a clip of him saying he isnt a monster...yeh motherfucker u are. let him or any other man come to me with power fists..id fuck him up..

and a message to rihanna...girl your beautiful and talented and u dont need a nigga like that around u...ur special and deserve better...

&finally,no we dont no wat happened that night, all i no, is seein rihannas beautiful face bruised and upset..thats enuff 4 me.

im glad yall agree with me...im so sick of the media trying to sugar coat a serious issue. thanks for your responses, keep them coming tho x

Finally someone with some melanin speaks up. Everyone else is either defending them in lieu of their own accusations of domestic abuse (Terrence Howard, T.I.), or playing the "no comment, Jesus bless him excuse."

Yes, I hope God blesses him with mental counseling. It would seriously do him some good. He seems to be under the impression that everyone's memory fades and that he'll be back on top in no time. Yeah, those little girls may help remain relevant, but that mainstream crowd he was shooting for have officially gave him the finger.

Just look at the comments on sites like TMZ. They're not amused, and if they're not smiling, there won't be many endorsement deals and big corporate sponsors for you.

Get cousenling, Chris. Do a PSA. Start a domestic violence charity. Try to act like you care that you beat up a woman like it was nothing then hit the skis at Diddy's house.

But until that happens and Chris Brown stops acting like he's King Jaffe Joffer, I could care less about his new album, whatever backflip he's working on for his next tour, or any role he has coming up that his handlers hope will "repair his image."

The Grind

2009-05-26T02:13:00.005-04:00

Disclaimer: This video is not safe for work. In fact, I'm not sure if it's safe period. Consider yourself warned, pimpin'.

One of my e-buddies is like the gift that keeps on giving. First she told me about the little chubber that could trying to rap, and now she's sent me a video via Twitter of Spectacular from Pretty Ricky dancing around in his Victoria Secret panties ~~soliciting sex~~ challenging Bow Wow, Trey Songz, Chris Brown, among others to a 'grind off.'

Yeah, that sounds like the beginning of some porno. Dude is already dressed for the part, so I guess in his mind it all makes sense.

Now, I don't make it a habit to call out folks on here or any of my other writing gigs for being gay. Reason being is you never really know anything about a person until they themselves confirm it (or they're outed by someone with video and audio). Sure everyone can have their suspicions, we can all play that game but for the most part, it's hearsay. I'm aware.

Having said that, now ya'll know damn well there are certain people that make you go, "Hmm, that person is stuck on same sex." Your choir directors, preachers, uncles and aunts with long-time "roommates," etc.

I understand that many hormone enraged teenage girls love them some Spec because he dances like he's demonstrating how to have sex like a jack rabbit, but c'mon nah, who didn't look at this video and be instantly reminded that the California Supreme Court is ruling on Prop 8 today?

Half of the people he challenged to ~~grind on him~~ this dance off aren't even known for dancing. Of course, we've seen Bow Wow rock his index finger, then let it wave and sip in defense of Omarion, but yeah, that doesn't make him Michael Jackson. More like Noxema Jackson.

Looking at some of the comments, I think some of them are pretty ignorant and hate filled, but beyond the e-thugging dimwits who probably sat there and watched the video multiple times, explain to me the purpose of a "grind off?"

Is giving peep shows to sell ringtones what's hot on these internets these days?

And epic fail at him trying to sound hard challening grown men to a grind off. Shut up and twirk with a smile on your face like normal people.

P.S. I think homie stole those draws from the set of Electrik Red's video for Electrik City.

P.S.S. Why did he tag Gucci Mane for this video? I guess if they were "roommates" in prison it could work out, but I thought he was still leasing Mya?

Electrikfy Me

2009-05-26T00:01:00.002-04:00

I may have given some of you a false perception of me with my most recent posts. I am no prude. I don't have any problem with sexual imagery and subject matter. I think we all have our limits, but don't let my recent rants about Ciara fool you: I like tramps.

It's not Ciara upping the sexual ante that bothered me. No, it was the fact that I thought she was doing it out of desperation. There's nothing worse than finding out someone you thought was appealing in one way or the other is a lame begging for you to love them. There's a thin line between sexy and pitiful. If you remind me of a stray dog looking for a home you're officially as hot as a pack of ice.

But you've read my posts: I grew up in love with Vanity, I broke my iPod dancing to "Sex Shooter," and I've danced to Pissy's "You Remind Me Of Something" while holding a plate of wings in one hand. Then there's my affinity for Beyonce and Rihanna, who are about as chaste as a condom wrapping.

So really, it's not sex; it's the excuses from people who try to sell it that irk me. I am so tired of artists hiding behind alter egos or bullshit stories about how they've suddenly decided they are this sexual being the minute their career starts to tank.

Then there are those who rely mainly on sex. One can be sexy, but if your material is wack I still don't care whose ear you're licking in a video.

This is why I love Electrik Red. They follow the tradition of Vanity and Apollonia. I find their shamelessness refreshing. They're straight up about their slutty subject matter.

And unlike many acts out there spread eagle for the masses, Electrik Red's material lives up to the imagery. Can they sing? Hell no. Does it matter? Not to me.

Not everyone is meant to coo like Mariah Carey. I can understand why some people may feel these girls should be howling at the moon versus the studio. I could care less, though. When I want to hear real vocalists I know who to turn to. When I want to listen to something light hearted at the gym or en route to the club, they fill the void. Tricky and The-Dream have given these girls a well-executed album that's flirty, cocky, and fun. I enjoy the album from beginning to end and it's been a while since I've been able to say that about anyone.

Even in comparison to the non-singing groups that preceded them, their album is far superior. Do any of the members stand out like Vanity and Apollonia? No, but name four songs from each that you really enjoy. And when you come back in 8 days with your answer, I'll still be blasting Electrik Red.

Ya'll give their album a try. I'm glad they took this well with humor, but it was still a little pitiful. You have to crawl before you walk, but since their label isn't really promoting them they're practically set up to never reach their full potential.

I actually went out last nite hoping to run into them at this club. I didn't and I was very disappointed. Insert your "aww," "ha-ha," "that's what your ass gets" right here.

I hit Leslie from the group on Twitter and after I telling her that I missed them, but still planned on actually buying their album she responded with:

RT: @LesleyER: @youngsinick thanks sexy!:) we appreciate it, really!

She called me sexy, which means I like them even more now. That and the fact you can't tell me shit all week.

Snatch The Tracks Back

2009-05-26T00:00:00.003-04:00

And here I thought it couldn't get any worse than Nicholas Peterson trying to rap. Thank you, lost member of Xscape for keeping me in line.

I'm not sure how one goes from Tyler Perry to yank out my tracks, but hey, we are in a recession after all.

As much as I love a good ign't anthem, I can't get with this. Tamika Scott deserves a citation first and foremost for sampling Silk's "Freak Me" and turning into nonsense that could only make Mr. Kim at the beauty supply store happy.

Tamika's friend should be arrested for impersonating a person with talent.

The person who "directed" this video is lucky he doesn't get water boarded for not lying to Tamika and her Shawna lookalike friend with the clearance Kim flow.

I'm not sure why Tamika is singing this like it's a gospel song, but I am suddenly in the mood to go to church if only to pray that Jesus be a pulled video from YouTube.

At first I wondered if she was serious with this, then I thought about it: If I'm sitting here wondering if it's some brilliant parody that means she's was dead ass serious when she left the gas station with bags of yaki, a Slim Jim, some Sutter's Home, an order of shrimp fried rice, and $5 on 5.

Fail.

No, Nicholas

2009-05-22T04:31:00.007-04:00

It must suck to be a child actor sometimes. No matter what you say or do we the public will always remember you for whatever kiddie role made you famous.

On the other hand, some child actors just set themselves up to be mocked. Such is the case for Curtis Williams, who played Nicholas Peterson on the show The Parent Hood.

Do ya'll know this Negro has the nerve to be a rapper? And not just a rapper, but a rapper who pops lines about being on the street. Granted, because he's a child actor his parents could have Gary Colemaned him and took all his money so he very well may have been left in the hood. But c'mon nah, you know it doesn't matter: We know your ass as Nicholas Peterson. Not Young Curt.

Rudy will always be Rudy. Greg Brady will always be Greg Brady. Urkel will always be Urkel. That's just the way it is. I don't make the rules, I just follow them.

But no, I want ya'll to click right here and listen to "Swagg Up" where this dude spits lines about smashing girls "half Black, half Brazillian."

I don't even know what the hell "half Brazillian" means. I suppose that's his way of trying to boast about banging a Brazillian chick in his mind.

Here's the thing that I need some of you mix happy colored folk to learn: There is a difference between race and nationality. Brazillian isn't a race. That's like saying I'm half Black, half American. Ya'll would look at me like a dumb ass if I walked around saying I was biracial based on that.

Obviously Robert and Jerri fell into some hard times and had to tap into little Nicholas' college fund to save their home from foreclosure or something.

No wonder he's trying to rap. But, he should follow the Drake approach to hip-hop. Meaning don't say anything that will make us say, "Fool, I remember you from..."

~~Young Curt~~ Nicholas seems to be reading from the book of Officer Ross sitting here spitting about the streets. Does anyone else remember that episode where he and Arnie were getting punked by the little Mexican gang members? You weren't hard then, Nicholas! Doesn't matter if you still had recess then, the repeats on cable don't lie!

Is any of this making sense to you? Of course it doesn't. I'm acting like a TV show is real life. But that's the thing: That's how I remember you and if you're going to go into an equally fictious role (i.e. some half-Brazillian thug rapper), then you need to come up with a better gimmick because what you're selling I'm not downloading.

Here's something Robert should have taught you: Not every overweight Black man can rap.

CHILD ACTOR FAIL!

P.S. Though I don't support this nonsense, should Nicholas shoot a video, he should make it a family affair. Get CiCi to be the video girl and ask Michael to play keyboard in the back. And I'm sure he could get Faizon Love to cater. It isn't like he has much to do.

Ahem

2009-05-21T13:22:00.005-04:00

That is all.

Be Easy: Obama Edition

2009-05-20T14:20:00.004-04:00

I am beginning to wonder if people realize that this is just an image and that it's alright to not look at President Obama in adoration every second of the day.

To put it bluntly Obama zealots are beginning to creep me out. I voted for him, I've read his memoir, and I even gave money multiple times to his campaign. I wanted to believe that for once the unthinkable could happen and that this country has moved forward. However, now that he has won and he is president it's time to remember one important fact: He is a politician.

Politicians are not to be worshiped. They are to be scrutinized. If they are given too much leeway they will often deter from the promises that got them elected in the first place. Such is the case for Obama who has already back peddled on certain promises like repelling don't ask don't tell, being transparent, and not letting the last administration get away from torture.

Though I'm certainly grateful the last goof is out of the White House I'm disappointed that some of his line of thinking is still within the walls of the Oval Office.

Not releasing additional pictures of torture abuse under the belief that it puts the soldiers at greater risk falls in line with Bush ideology that it's better to keep everything marred in secrecy than be forthright about our wrongdoing with the rest of the world. I get that our troops need to be protected, but I'm also aware that like it or not leaks happened so why not put everything out there. That's transparency. What Obama has now signed on to is complacency.

The same applies to escalating the war in Afghanistan. The Soviet-Afghan war proved that some wars are unwinnable.

And for him only writing a letter to Dan Choi after he was released from the military? Honestly, it's just plain old stupid to me.

How many people do you know speak Arabic? How many of them work in the military? Exactly. Firing him is beyond idiotic.

Why is The Daily Show making more sense than the government?

But apparently speaking such opinions out loud makes me a traitor to the race. I am all for racial solidarity, but by that same token, if we don't hold Obama and other Blacks in power to the fire and they goof, all it does is make it that much harder for people to take us seriously.

Barack Obama is a human being. Not the Jesus remix.

Likewise, Michelle Obama was born Michelle Robinson, not Our Lady of Southside Chicago.

People were ready to bleach Iman Michael Jackson's "color" after she said Michelle wasn't a "great beauty."

You would thought that she called her a bugawolf who breeds mudduck chirren.

All she meant was beauty fades and in the end, it's all about intelligence because that can never be taken away from you. This came from a supermodel -- the type of person whose whole career is based on the superficiality. If she can argue looks don't matter why are people ready to put her in the racial draft?

Fellow Negroes, this is going to be a long four-eight years if ya'll can't handle every little comment made about the Obamas. Don't waste your venom on issues or opinions that may be valid and worth discussing openly.

Only spew it when deserved.

Like Jay Mohr's punk ass.

Michelle Obama - that is a big dude. When Barack plays pick up games at the White House, you know he picks Michelle as his forward, maybe his [center] depending on who’s in Congress that day.

That has to be like being married to Elton Brand. She is a big dude. I like when she put her arm around the Queen of England – and she put her in a headlock and said, “I’ve been waiting 200 years to put my arms around you lady.”

I like how she shaved off her eyebrows, and then drew them back way to high – and in an arch – and then way back down, so she always looks super surprised. Michelle Obama kind of looks like the Count on Sesame Street. One … Ha Ha … One Black President … Ha Ha.

What a year. The cardinals make the Super Bowl, the Rockies make the World Series, and the President smokes Newports.

This is something worth being upset over. Then again, who the hell cares about Jay Mohr? Still, you get my point.

I don't doubt the theory that Eden is in Africa, but please, get a grip. Barack and Michelle are not Adam and Eve.

Ya'll are starting to remind me of the Bush zealots.

If it ever gets to this point for some of you I might enter you in the racial draft personally.

Teach ABCs, Not How to Contract STDs

2009-05-17T17:14:00.002-04:00

Welcome to another edition of you should be raising a child not a statistic, stupid.

This weeks venom is spewed in the direction of whoever is responsible for these overly sexual children. This video looks like a cross between The Muppet Babies and Uncut. That's a problem for you, for me, and whoever who will have treat these poor kids at the free clinic in a couple of years. I flagged the video, but I wish I could flag everyone present in this video.

"Lil' Trina" is sad for a number of reasons. Off the bat one ought to look into calling CPS for bead abuse. If she swings her head too fast during recess so poor kid is going to grow up with the nickname "Wonk Eye." I went to elementary school with a girl with bead happy parents. Trust me when I say no good can come of it.

While I'm not mad at Lil' Trina's obvious natural talent to jook or her mastery of the Ciara stank face (not an insult), you will not have a little girl making her three day old ass clap. Especially not in a crowd full of adult men. What kind of R. Kelly parenting book are Negroes reading nowadays?

I feel like I might need to contact a lawyer just for posting this.

For the little girl who bent over with grown women coaching her on: May Jesus come in the form of infertility for those women. If your kid turns out to be a stripper on her own accord, fine. But don't teach her hoe shit before she takes the PSAT. Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. At least teach the girl how to read the word Strokers before you start training her to work there.

The little boys humping the ground are no better. I want to toss a G.I. Joe toy at their dads...wherever they are. I'm not even going to touch on the other forms of eroticism in the video.

But they were obviously caught by the YouTube users cheering this on:

dem aint kids dey lillte adults my nephew 6 and kant do that now thats talent

lmao lil mama wit da beadz... lol bt tru dat ... dat lil grlk waz gettn it lol

that lil boy is sexy, i kno i prolly sound like a predator but he can be my boyfriend numbah 2 LMAO.... he got down on da dance flo

I think I should title my book Some People Don't Deserve Reproductive Organs.

I used to think outside of my nieces that I wasn't kid friendly. Then I thought it's not kids that I dislike, it's bad ass kids. Now it's dawned on me that I have no ill will towards any children at all. It's their parents I hate. I'm not questioning the supreme being's logic, but sometimes I wish God an imposed an application process for parenting.

Kendu, Don't File That Restraining Order

2009-05-13T13:05:00.003-04:00

Do not laugh at me, my teeth, or my big ass Kool-Aid smile. Quiet as it's kept, though I might be tempted to throw chicken grease at you for disparaging Queen Beyonce, when it comes down to my all-time favorite artist, those honors go to Murry Jay Bliiiiiiiiige.

I have the great honor of being the first guest blogger on the wonderfully talented writer and author, Aliya King.

It's very likely she's penned some of your favorite cover stories, and recently wrote the Faith Evans book along with the upcoming autobiography from Frank Lucas. She also has signed a deal for her first novel, so again, it's a great honor to be able to have her tell me I don't suck. Ha.

If you are an aspiring writer or just a fan of good writing, please read her blog. She can make the most random topic such an interesting read. That is what makes a good writer great and I hope I can soon write at her level.

That being said, click here to read the entry and show some love on the blog. Thanks, ya'll!

Crash Landing

2009-05-13T00:00:00.003-04:00

Despite the use of this picture and a previous post that may suggest otherwise, I don't take any comfort in Ciara's album dismal first week performance.

When she made her way onto to the scene five years ago, I appreciated her for what I thought she was: A young girl who wanted to be a star.

She didn't have much a voice, her shtick wasn't anything we hadn't seen before, and even the song she debuted with was a rehash of two other Lil' Jon helmed cuts. Still, you couldn't help but root for someone who put that much energy into her stage performances. She was filling a void left by Aaliyah's untimely passing and Janet's unfortunate decision to embrace stagnation.

She seemed eager to please and ready to impress on stage. It didn't hurt that her first studio was actually quite decent.

While I still maintain that "Goodies" is nothing short than the blue balls national anthem, I appreciated hearing a singer talk about not giving it up. The album overall had a Control esque feel to it, and even if she weren't being genuine about her virginity ala Britney Spears, it at least seemed believable at the time.

Then only a short time later did she try to sell us on her evolution. It seemed as natural as the button on Michael Jackson's face posing a a nose. I don't care what black weaves, new tights, and Tina Landon's choreography say -- evolutions don't occur overnight. Listening to her try to force feed audiences a tale of how she discovered her new self only fifteen seconds after we embraced the original let me know one thing: Ciara takes herself way too seriously.

That's a bad thing for a pop artist. Especially one who doesn't have any real clue as to who she is, what she's about, and what her image should be. As one reviewer pointed out recently, Ciara's pop-star facade has always been "vague and undefined."

And what does one typically do when that happens? They turn to sex. It comes from the belief in the adage "sex sells." One glance at Ciara's last video and you can tell how she and her handlers decided how to handle this album.

Lose a few pounds.

Tone it up.

Get a little more limber.

Spread 'em wide.

Sex is certainly a way to get attention, but at a time when pornographers are not so jokingly asking for a bailout, when is it going to dawn on the already terribly behind recording industry that sex without quality equals another name on the increasingly growing list of flops?

The same goes for the theory that R&B singers have to crossover in order to sell records. When Ciara moved two million copies of her first album she did so on the strength of a 'crunk music' trend that was rooted in urban airplay that had pop stations run to them not the other way around.

Ciara's choice to go into a more pop-dance direction alienated the very audience that made her who she is. While everyone talks about how great "Promise" is (and it is a great song), it only reached #11 on the Hot 100. By contrast "Goodies" was #1, while "1, 2 Step" and "Oh" each peaked at #2.

Yet I'm to believe the strategy of alienating your fan base to chase after an audience that would likely find you anyway if you scored a hit song is the way to go.

A sexual temptress can probably sell almost as well as pontificating prude in an industry where no one really sells anymore.

Though I've commented on how her bit now seems like an act of desperation from one trying way too hard, Fantasy Ride's main failure is not in its image but this: It's just not good.

If she wants to lick Justin Timberlake's ear and be the co-star in her own video, fine. If she wants to pretend she's always been this Madonna loving, comic book reading shero with an altar ego waiting to burst out and yack the yaki out of Sasha Fierce's head, great.

Anyone who didn't like it would ignore if the music was up to par. It's not, hence everyone's attention shifting elsewhere.

Fantasy Ride should have been one easy flight, but instead it's marred in layovers. One minute she's seductress, the next she's a Europop dance queen, and another she's channeling her inner crunk 'n b star.

When she initially said she planned to split her album into three separate discs it seemed wasteful. Now I get it, but sadly, she still doesn't.

She doesn't understand that you can't toss out multiple singles that genre hop everywhere but the format that made you a star.

It hasn't hit her that a sexed up image alone won't set you a part from all of the other sexed up thin-voiced R&B singers.

The people close to her neglected to pull her to the side to inform her that she's going about being a superstar all wrong.

That explains why she can't take constructive criticism and passes anything not praising her to high end as negativity. What an unfortunate opinion for someone who needs to be steered back in the right direction before she makes a permanent detour into irrelevance.

The difference between her and the people she grew up admiring (including those we're just now hearing about) is that their transitions seemed organic.

Janet went from telling her parents that she wanted to be free to expressing hope for freedom for all to her declaring her right to be freely open about her sexuality. This happened over the course of years versus a few albums and meetings with stylists.

If Ciara read this, she'd call me a hater and keep going.

That's fine by me because in a week she likely envisioned would place her at the top of the charts, she now finds herself sitting at the bus stop while Chrisette Michele drives off with her fantasy.

Sigh

2009-05-11T15:04:00.002-04:00

Despite some of the flack I've since received for penning "When Bullying Leads to Suicide," now more than ever I'm glad I wrote it.

What would motivate a person to use a broom and hockey stick to commit sexual assault? I'm not sure what has led to so many children becoming incredibly cruel and evil, but this is despicable.

I Wish They Were All Vegans

2009-05-11T14:27:00.003-04:00

I wasn't among the many who looked at the coverage of the Popeye's debacle or the KFC riots last week and dipped their heads in shame. We have Obama, we have Oprah, but we're always going to have a bunch of fools that media outlets are more inclined to cover for several different reasons.

Plus, I wanted the free chicken myself. I write a blog called 'The Recession Diaries' -- clearly I'm not one to turn down a free meal. Just yesterday I went and took my KFC coupon to El Pollo Loco and got myself some chicken since KFC decided to act brand new.

So while I can respect the freebie lovers of the world, I'm going to need people to stop acting as if some locations not honoring a coupon for free chicken and a biscuit is a grave injustice. This is not the Jena 6 nor is it voter disenfranchisement. This is a promotional campaign gone awry because it didn't dawn on the marketing team behind it that with this country turning into the United States of Section 8 there might be a greater response than normal to some free grub.

Listening to these folks complain like KFC literally ripped a chicken wing from their guts is irritating.

Then you have people like her cutting up in the drive-thru line. What do you think costs more: A $3.99 grilled chicken meal or the money it's going to cost you to post bond after being arrested for trespassing?

Stop it, ya'll or at the very least run from the news cameras until they start showing more white people cutting up.

This Week In Negro Please

2009-05-11T11:39:00.003-04:00

As you know, although a few of his followers might brand me a heathen, I personally don't think if God stepped into my room right now I'd get a back slap across the head. I think that has a lot to do with me not being a self-righteous jackass like so many people claiming to be God's BFF.

That being said, I take issue with a lot of ministers who attempt to credit their asinine views with the Lord. I wouldn't be mad if some started off their sermons and homilies with a disclaimer like: "Just so you know, I don't know for sure if God would say this, so ignore my collar for a minute and let me speak freely."

Or something to that effect.

I've become somewhat of a fan of Roland Martin on CNN because he wasn't selling his race out for a TV show, actually made sense when he spoke, and doesn't look like he's ever worn a conk, S-Curl, or perm.

Yet I should've known he'd disappoint me the way many of the others have.

"I've called on pastors nationwide to stop the stream of momma, grandmother, aunts and female cousins coming to the altar for baby dedications with no man in sight. The pastor should say, 'Until I personally meet with the father, I will not dedicate this child.' Somebody has to hold that man accountable for his actions."

There are a couple of things wrong with that statement.

1. This action would only punish the child, not the father.
2. If a father doesn't bother supporting the child through parenting and covering cost, what makes you think a christening or in Catholicism's case, a baptism, is going to compel him to show up? If he's not worried about feeding the kid, what makes you think he cares about its soul?
3. So what if he does show up for a meeting? Who is to say that means he'll stick around for his long term responsibilities?
4. This is just stupid.

Roland Martin is a minister himself so I feel for those sitting in his pews. This is why people are starting to give more churches the side-eye.

Jesus didn't seem like the type who would say, "NO, I won't baptize you!" when he rolled with hookers and hoodlums and shit.

If you have video of a preacher who won't get on my nerves, drop it in the comments section please. I'm seriously open to listening.

That Joel Osteen doesn't piss me off. He's so happy and nice. It's like God or his plastic surgeon gave him a permanent smile. I can't frown at him.

Get Your Off Video Phone

2009-05-11T02:10:00.006-04:00

Last week seemed to be themed around peak-a-boo privates, and although more crotch shots are said to be one the way, can I ask this favor of every celebrity yet to be caught out there: Delete every single nudie shot you have on your phone!

Hide your nipples, keep your pubes out of view, and try not to give the world access to your ass in the coming weeks, months, and years. I would be most grateful if you granted me that request.

Although I can imagine how much it must suck to learn that something you intended to be private was snatched from you and shared with everyone with internet access, I don't completely feel bad for a lot of these celebrities.

Through the years countless sex tapes have been leaked, not to mention the likes of Paris Hilton have had their phones hacked into and people like Karrine Steffans have made it abundantly clear that there is a market for sexual info about your average D lister. Why haven't these recent victims of the 'whodunit' noticed the pattern?

I got into a debate with one of my friends who said if something like that were to ever happen to me she would go to bat for me. I thanked her for her offer, but let her know she won't have that problem. We all have our dirt and very few of us are perfect angels (of course, I'm as close to it as you can get), but some of us are aware of how these internets work.

Over the weekend I also read comments from people branding Rihanna the whore of Babylon for her photos. I don't share that view. Taking intimate pictures with a long-time boyfriend isn't the same to me as spreading yourself wide eagle for the highest bidder. Speaking of such a scenario, Cassie's response to her pierced parts premiering online somewhat rubbed me the wrong way.

In one instance it's "sick and evil" for someone to "hack" into her computer yet those criticizing her need to get over it because "it's just a tit." That attitude only heightens people suspicions that she leaked those pictures herself. If that is the case, she's lamer than I thought.

It's one thing to be sexual. It's another to rely on sex appeal to mask the fact that you share the same level of vocal talent as a garbage truck. Not to mention I've gotten more entertainment value from funerals than I have from any of her live performances. Her having the type of body that should drive Michael Jackson crazy isn't about to make me forget either opinion.

Even wacker is Hoopz who seems to be extending her 11 seconds of infamy (fame is pushing it and ya'll know it) by releasing a sex tape. Gee, a woman famous for faking attraction to Flavor Flav has a sex tape. Shocker. I wouldn't be surprised if one of her with a female is next on the list for the Luke girl because I know for a fact she used to mess with a female friend of mine.

That likely explains why she looks bored out of her mind in the clip floating around.

Either way, as amusing as some of the commentary has been on these nude shots and sex tapes, I'm really getting annoyed by how accepting we've become of pornographic publicity stunts.

I want people to remember they can have sex w/o being taped & leaked online. Develop talent, not a position.

For the celebrities who don't want us all up in them, learn to get off without the use of your camera phone. Try masturbating or at the very least angle the camera away from your head. Do something because this is getting old quickly.

Breakaway From Seconds

2009-05-11T02:00:00.000-04:00

I can already predict how this is going to go. The blogs will run wild with this photo, leading the tabloids to comment on how fat she's gotten. Then, eventually Kelly Clarkson will be asked to comment on her obvious weight gain, which will lead her to pull a Tyra Banks and tell the world to kiss her fat ass.

Instead of the world doing the right thing and telling her we don't have that kind of time, most will champion her for fighting the unrealistic standards of beauty the media places upon people.

I'll be the first to admit that not everyone is meant to be a stick figure, but at the same time not everyone is meant to walk around like they're caring twins called Snickers and Twix.

I like Kelly Clarkson and I appreciate her for a number of different reasons. She can actually sing and despite gaining fame from the most corporate and packaged shows on television, she managed to break away from that and try her hardest to be respected as a genuine artist. Although she fell flat on her face with the second album trying to do her music completely her way, I respect her for trying.

Still, she's fat. When I first saw this picture I thought it was photoshopped.

Then I saw a second picture and realized that she's been hitting the Chinese buffet too hard. Look at her: She looks ready to throw some BBQ sauce on the mic and make herself an on stage snack.

As a former fatty, I'm not grilling her for simply being overweight. She looks unhappy and more importantly, she looks really unhealthy. That can only lead to additional problems -- including more difficulties singing live. Ya'll have seen Aretha try to sing. Poor thing blows out more wind than your average hurricane during a performance.

I don't know if she's eating so much to help cope with she's been forced to go back to recording with the cookie cutter hit makers she swore off or what, but I'm going to need her to go run a couple of laps before she morphs into Roseanne.