Dear Michael,

I don't know who you are or why you're stealing Sisqo's dye thinking 1996 is making a comeback, but I really hate you right now. You've just given Michael's the world over a reason to hang their heads in shame. Tell me your real name is Usher or Temitayo (the name of an actual contestant on Idols West Africa). Also, Madonna is already getting bad press in Africa. Did you have to go and make it that much harder for her? And Babyface, I mean damn, he ought to slap the shit out of you. I hope you wake up a brunette.

You suck! Change your name, bitch (I mean that in a non misogynistic manner, of course)!

Thanks,

Michael

P.S. You're still a wackass, but thank you for making Sanjaya look all the more talented. That's no easy feat, my friend. Sanjaya Forever!