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Tuesday, September 18, 2007
4:32 PM

Who's Going To The Bad Place?


(Hey, I'm not mocking. They're for dramatic effect. Don't stone me.)

All you lay religious people, triflin' heathens, and flat out non believers are getting a reprieve this week: God just might have bigger fish to fry this Friday besides any one of you.

We start off with Ernie Chambers, a Nebraskan state Senator that filed a lawsuit against God last week.

Chambers says in his lawsuit that God has made terroristic threats against the senator and his constituents, inspired fear and caused "widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth's inhabitants."

I was scared to even re-post that on my blog.

It gets worse:

The Omaha senator, who skips morning prayers during the legislative session and often criticizes Christians, also says God has caused "fearsome floods ... horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes." He's seeking a permanent injunction against the Almighty.

Chambers claims his suit is in response to a federal suit filed against a judge who recently barred words such as "rape" and "victim" from a sexual assault trial. His goal is to make the point that anyone can file a lawsuit against anyone else as they see fit.

I know, I know. He got that from Ally McBeal. Swagger jacker.

Ironically enough, Chambers looks exactly like Morgan Freeman when he played God in Bruce Almighty.

Moving on to contestant number two in "Who's Going To The Bad Place?," televangelist Juanita Bynum. As mentioned on Sandra Rose, it seems Bynum needs each and every one of us to donate seeds to build "threshing floor." She's reaching out through a video posted on her site.

This "threshing floor" is where she goes to touch God for us...for only $9.95.

I'm kidding. She actually charges you a $1,000 to pray for God on your behalf. Miracles aren't cheap.

This "threshing floor" sprawls over 30 acres with 12 lakes. She needs $200,000, and is asking us to give her any seed --- $300, $500, $1,000, whatever your checkbook desires.

Guess someone wrote down the quote "Now we're glad to have the kind of money that jingles, but we'd rather have the kind that folds," while watching Coming To America.

I'm a bit lost on the idea of a "threshing floor," but I do have a couple of questions.

1. Wasn't she in the news a couple of weeks ago for getting her ass beat? Shouldn't I be praying for her?

2. I understand that MC Hammer said that we got to pray just to make it today, but since when do I have to chip in to ask God to hear my prayers?

3. So is she for real, for real? This isn't TBN trying to do sketch comedy, is it?

4. People are really going to give her the money, aren't they?

5. Why can't she pray for us at church where it's free?

I hope I'm not offending anyone, but I'd feel closer to God singing the Amen theme song than I would giving her hundreds of dollars to help build a "threshing floor."

I believe in prayer, but I don't believe in paying someone's car note.

The Cynical Ones.
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