Break out the Sutter’s Home: it’s time for The Cynical Awards. Outside of Britney Spears channeling the spirit of a doped up Anna Nicole Smith for her performance at the VMAs, I can’t remember much about the 2007 award season. That's probably a blessing in disguise. In any event, here’s my list of the best, worst, and ridiculous.
Tribute Savior: Yolanda Adams
If you caught Ciara’s “tribute” performance to Diana Ross the other night, you’ll realize just how cruel some people can be, which is I’m why dubbing Yolanda Adams the legends tribute performer of the year. She saved Diana Ross’ tribute --- no doubt a sign that prayer indeed works. I’d also like to give her additional recognition for her tight weave game. While she may be no Michael Jackson, her club hair is usually nice enough to at least get a second glance from the King of Weave. I could easily see these two fighting over the last pack of Remy hair at Kim’s Beauty Supply. Go ‘head, Yo-Yo for letting “Open My Heart” open the door to bomb extensions.
Everytime I See or Hear You, I Want to Call You the N-Word, but I Gave It Up: Lil’ Wayne
I’ve been trying to give up the word, but whenever I read or see a Lil’ Wayne interview, I sound like I’m auditioning for a role on The Boondocks. Living proof that anti-depressants are a privilege, not a right, this nutty Negro makes me long for the days when short rappers only opened their mouths to rap about wanting a height increase. Shout out to Skee-Lo.
You’re My Girl, but I Need Space (The Overachiever Award): Beyonce
I love Beyonce like Karrine Steffans loves any doctor that tells us the test results of her HIV test came back negative, but damn, will she go have some babies, go read a book, go visit the Moon, or do something that doesn’t involve music, film, television, or hawking products? I’m all about people making their money while the getting is good, but this chick will endorse the Chinese take out restaurant on MLK if you promise her a free order of Sesame Chicken. I love how the game is hers, but sit down, Beyonce, and let me miss you.
I Am Not My Height: Bow Wow
Though he’s devoid of reality, you have to give it to someone who won’t let anyone chip away at their confidence. He and his partner Omarion's (take that how you want) songs are a lot like a bag of Frito’s, but you can’t tell this dude that he’s not in the running for the title of greatest of all time. Somewhere Napoleon Bonaparte is on a stool smiling.
Super Trooper: Janet Jackson
Two flops and she’s still at it. Persistence is a virtue, ya’ll. She made me laugh while she cried about not being able to be “Perfect Patty” in Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Married, but she proved people like me who thought her taking the role was a step down wrong. Now that she's raised her profile back up in the acting world, Damita Jo is now embarking on yet another daunting task: trying to get played in the club after 10:30 again. I’m a Janet fan from way back, and while 20 Y.O. was about as appealing to me as a fatback sandwich, I love her new single “Feedback,” and I’m eagerly anticipating what could be her true comeback album. Possibly. Maybe. In theory. Ok, damn, I’m hoping it will be. Can I live?
What In The Hell Is Wrong With You?: T.I.
So, I haven’t really felt T.I.’s decision to dilute every southern quality that made him the beloved emcee that he is on his last two releases, but I have been cheering on his much deserves success in the mainstream. But then he had to go and swagger jack G.I. Joe and likely ruin what was sure to be a climb to the top of hip hop’s hierarchy. A bit of advice: Soap on a rope is your friend, my dude.
Upgrade U: Frankie
Frankie is the best looking crack head I’ve ever seen. That rock obviously had her in a one hell of a head lock for a few decades, but fresh dentures and the best weave someone else’s money can buy easily places her in contention with Nippy Houston for best makeover. Holla!
You’re Only as Old as the Old ID You’re Using: Pepa
Pepa is like the auntie that could probably teach you the latest dance instead of the other way around. The type of older adult that prefers you look at her as an older sibling, given that she has more MySpace friends than you, and has a YouTube game that can’t be matched. It might be a part of the storyline that she sometimes works Salt’s nerves, but hell, I’ll bring her old ass with me to the club. I’ll even request “Push It” and “Shoop.”
Age Ain’t Nothing But A Number: Mariah Carey
Like Pepa, Mariah isn’t going to let her age dictate her wardrobe or late night activities. Dubbing herself an “eternal tween,” now that the Olsen Twins have grown up, Mariah now looks to fashionistas like Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana on how to keep up with the girls on the playground. You’ll always be my girl, Mimi, so don’t you worry --- you can borrow my copy of Goosebumps anytime.
Look Who’s Talking: Diddy
Ok, Puffy, we get it: You’re not shooting any blanks. Now could you please have your driver take you to the drug store, walk on over to the aisle where the Trojans are located, take that, take that, and use them before your dick becomes the identical twin of Aretha Franklin’s foot.
Speechless: Steph Jones
He may have a song called “Mr. Ordinary,” but his choices in costumes are anything but. Any man who can show up in public dressed like the Gerber baby deserves the attention he was obviously going for. Not my style, but he made the most out of those Depends. Sidenote: He’s from the Houston area, so yeah, that’s always a good thing. And before you even think it, no, I’ve never rocked an adult diaper.
And now, for your viewing please, B-Rock and The Bizz’s “My Baby Daddy.”
Please don’t act like you don’t remember this song. It’s a classic. So good I once bought my mama the single for her birthday.
Break out the Sutter’s Home: it’s time for The Cynical Awards. Outside of Britney Spears channeling the spirit of a doped up Anna Nicole Smith for her performance at the VMAs, I can’t remember much about the 2007 award season. That's probably a blessing in disguise. In any event, here’s my list of the best, worst, and ridiculous. 
