In an interview with Dorrie Wheeler for the internet e-zine, Thabiz.com, multi-platinum artist, producer, songwriter, and infamous babysitter R.Kelly, or Pissy as I like to refer to him, discusses his new album TP-3: Reloaded. I personally would have preferred the title, TP-3: Fix Urinary Track Dysfunction, but I digress.

At one point during the interview, the functioning illiterate also referred to as a "genius" by many of his fans, became confused after Ms. Wheeler inquired about his thoughts on including a set list that includes songs with both religious and sexual connotations.

Dorrie Wheeler: Hello. As a writer, I can understand how you can write songs like You Save Me as well as Sex In The Kitchen. But when it comes to your live show, are you concerned with how the more gospel influenced songs and the sex-inspired song are arranged on the set list?

R. Kelly: Say it one more time? I'm sorry.

Dorrie Wheeler:I'll say it slower.

Speed isn't the problem, Dorrie. I'm certain that had you posed this question on the slide at the nearest elementary school playground, Pissy would have understood your question easily.

Once Ms. Wheeler posed the question Noggin style, the singer was quick to rebuff any suggestion that he should feel guilty for how he performs his mixed catalogue on stage.

R. Kelly: No, I'm never concerned about stuff like that. That's - most of the times, people will get too caught up into R. Kelly singing a sexual song or singing a gospel song. I come to bring reality to people, and sometimes reality hurts. Because of sex, we're here. Because somebody made love, that's the reason we're here. However they made love or whatever they did, however, we're here, and it's like the reality of that is what it is. So, I don't have a problem with singing a sexual song and then turning around, showing people where I would really rather be.

So Pissy is saying he would much rather be singing about heaven and hugs, than playing splish-splash with the face of a young girl he scooped up from the Playland inside of McDonalds. Is this negro for real?

It's a lot of people that go to church, and they come out of church and light up a cigarette. It's a lot of people that go to church, and they come out and they go to their lover's house. But the fact that they go to church and the fact they even are trying to better themselves - there's a lot of fat people in the health club, you know. I'm just being real. And I would rather be going to the health club than to not be going to the health club, because at least I'm getting some kind of balance in my life. It's like eating meat and no vegetables. You're just sort of fat, and you're not full of vegetables or proteins or anything like that.

I guess he is. This retort reminds me of all of the people back in high school who use to say, "So what if my grades are bad? At least I come." Surprise, surprise: You can find most of them posted up on the corner melting under the Houston sun.

The difference between Pissy and the conflicted church folk he mentions is that these people are actually trying to better themselves. Over time, they'll find a Nicotine patch and a new love. If they don't, they'll join Pissy as sometime church goers, full time heathens.

I no longer consider myself to be a religious person; but, even I can see the contradiction in Pissy's response to Ms. Wheeler. I'm not that far off the wagon that I can't recall Christian doctrine. Thou shalt not covet or feel on the booty of your neighbor's wife.

Pissy has a song called "Steppin Into Heaven" on his last album. I wonder if St. Peter is bumping that or "Slow Wind." I have an inkling that down in the hell Kells is so afraid of entering they are asking the DJ to blast, "Burn It Up," one of the new tracks featured on TP.3. One guess on which one I'd rather hear Pissy saaaang.

As for his analogy that sex and gospel are like meat and vegetables, pass me a turkey leg and a sack of potatoes --- I'll be more than willing to knock some sense into him.

I will give R-aah one thing: He's moved me to pray.

God:


If you remove this Darkwing Duck envying idiot from the public sphere, I will be an altar boy for a year...barring a priest decides to play touchy-feely, of course.

Amen.