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Sunday, March 30, 2008
11:38 PM

Free Remy!


After being found guilty for shooting her friend outside of a New York club over $3000, Remy Ma faces up to 25 years in prison. It seems the thought of being Foxy Brown’s cellmate for even 25 seconds was enough to take the rapper to MySpace to ask her fans (stop laughing) to write her judge with the hopes that it will result in her receiving a lenient sentence.

Her website says: “Please write letters about how Remy and her music has positively affected you, influenced you, inspired you, etc.”

If you want to send a letter, send it to lettersforremy@gmail.com.

I’ve decided to take this opportunity to do my good deed for the quarter.

Dear Judge:

I’m sure by now you’ve received letters from all over the world pleading with you to take it easy on Remy Ma. Well, I’d like to join those six people and ask that you please have some sympathy towards Remy.

I’ll be honest and say that when I first found out she shot her friend over a couple of thousand dollars, I said to myself, “Self. That’s a stupid ass broad.”

I thought that if she goes to jail, oh well. But that was wrong, judge. Very wrong.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking with some of her lyrics, she’s glorifying the very violent acts she’s since been found of guilty of committing.

“My name is Remy Ma/and I don’t play, I let that lead fly!”

“I’mma bus in the stands/wouldn’t mind goin’ to jail for clappin’ one of my fans!”

“Chrome to ya dome/leave your face down, bullets, lodged in ya bone/see I’m a rapper, but it ain’t just rhymin’/what you know about turnin’ an autograph signin’ into a crime scene!”

“Nigga push up like a bra, I’m strapped/he like yo ma what’s that/I’m like yo, that’s in case you wanna get clapped!”

Ok, so that looks bad. Maybe she does promote violence a little bit. But think of it this way: If that bitch was that gangsta (her words), would she be on MySpace begging her 12 fans to whine you into giving her a get out of jail free card? See, judge: She ain't trill.

Instead of focusing on the negative, I want to highlight some of the good things Remy has done for the community.

Have you heard of the song “Conceited?” Probably not, but just so you know it’s the perfect self-esteem anthem. It lets people know that they can be conceited so long as they have a reason. It brings people together all in the name of arrogance. Yes, judge – even those bugawolves that have no business feeling themselves like that. She includes them, too. Giving monsters hope should knock off a couple years off her sentence.

Then there’s “Lean Back.” Y’know, that dance song that’s not a dance song. It’s for people who are too hung up on acting hard, but still want a dance to do in the club. It’s also for people like Fat Joe, the mastermind behind the song. See, he wants to dance, but if you look at him, you see that he looks like he can barely move, so that song allows him to execute as much motion without flooding the club out with his sweat as humanly possible. Remy assisted him in that goal by lacing that track. Isn’t that like community service?

Sticking with Remy the artist, have you looked at the current breed of female rappers? Do you really want to be the one to add to that endangered species list? Do you really want to leave the world with just Trina and Lil’ Marlon Mama, judge? Do you?

Alright, let’s talk about the crime itself. Judge, I know what she did was wrong, but I think she’s taught us an all important lesson about when keepin’ it real goes wrong.

Just recently I was at a drive-thru and there was this big grouchy, Snuffalufagus looking girl taking my order. On top of having a bad attitude, she got my order wrong. I asked for two fish sandwiches, judge. Not one, but two. I was so hungry, and she only gave me one punk ass fish sandwich. I think the bitch ate my sandwich and charged me for it anyway. Like Remy, I was so angry because I felt like someone stole from me. Remy was on Fat Joe’s label. I doubt she has that much money. Her album sold 14 copies. She’d probably choke a bitch over a fish sandwich, too.

But you see judge, because I’ve learned from Remy that kirkin’ out on people over small amounts of money will only lead to your downfall I didn’t go back and throw hot sauce at the fish sandwich stealing fool.

If you let Remy stay out of jail, through her music, her choices in hair, and record labels, she can teach the world what not to do with your life. Plus, she can teach people like me that shooting people who steal from you isn’t the answer: kicking their ass is. I keed. Don't try to lock me up.

Now, you could be a hater and let Remy deal with the consequences of her actions. But am I going to get a “Conceited Part II” out of that option? No. So please lean back on that sentence, judge.

Said I look too good to be writing this,

Young Sinick

The Cynical Ones.
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