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Writer. Music head. Political junkie. Pop culture whore. Funny black boy. Looking to have a voice in the world -- with a few good sponsors.

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Friday, May 02, 2008
12:00 AM

Call The Po-Po...


...and give them the Naomi treatment. A lot of folks ain't living right.

Dead Beat Daddy: Marlon Wayans

I don’t know how long everyone’s going to pretend not to see it, but I know damn well I’m not the only one thinking Bow Wow and Marlon got together and made Lil’ Mama.

Since I expect Lil’ Mama’s popularity to be as big as Foxy’s at the nail salon, if I were Lil’ Wayans, I’d get Marlon on Maury and start suing for back child support.

Despicable Use of Sample: Plies

That Catfish looking sum’bitch (Thanks, Fresh) had the balls to sample Janet Jackson’s classic, “Come Back To Me,” for the remix to that salty-surprise themed track, “Bust It Baby.” First off, if you want to make a song called “Bust It Baby,” I suppose that’s fine so long as you limit its reach to the audience that considers the question, “Do you spit or swallow?” romantic. But, to take one of my all time favorite songs and use it as a remix for that -- that’s not cool.

I sentence this crippled-tongue having fool to the deep fryer. Throw him in between two slices of bread and bust open a bottle of Louisiana hot sauce and pour it all over his head, baby.

Aggravated Robbery: Ashanti

Ashanti seems to have stolen Beyonce’s wig, shoes, dress, and from the looks of her lately, her lifetime meal card at Popeyes.

Did she not get the memo that people aren’t swagger jacking Beyonce right now, it’s all about Rhianna?

I sentence her to trading lives with Christina Milian. Ashanti took her spot anyway. But, if she does it again, make her the spokesperson for Tina Knowles’ HSN line, Miss Tina. If she wants to be Beyonce so bad, make her really act like a Knowles.

Harry Munster Violation: Estelle

Yeah, she’s a breath of fresh air from the other side of the pond, but in this country most women shave their pits. That or they at least know to wear long-sleeve shirts. They sell razors and Nair in the U.K., don’t they? Lock her up in the razor store.

Playing Yourself: Kim Porter

“I know that at the end of his shenanigans, at the beginning and end of the day, I know the love that man has in his heart for me and my family,” Porter said. “But he is a man before he is my man. I try and hold my head up and be Kim and be the mother to my children and keep pushing. That’s what KP means, keep pushing.”

I don’t condone abusive relationships, even if the bruises are self-inflicted. It has got to be a crime to be that delusional. I sentence her to a date with a man that will actually marry her ass.

(Illegally) Touch My Body: Hulk Hogan

I don’t know how all families get down, so maybe this is considered innocent in certain circles, but around these parts, if I saw somebody’s daddy rubbing his daughter’s ass – even if it was with tanning lotion – I would feel compelled to call CPS. No wonder Miss Elizabeth used to go back and forth between Hulk and Macho Man -- she knew Hulk was living right, brother.

He can pick his own sentence: Castration or watching his entire film catalogue. Same difference.

Identity Theft: Ne-Yo and Chris Brown

These two have been on Mike’s tip so long you’d swear they starred in Home Alone (Sorry MJ Fans: Had to do it).

I sentence Ne-Yo to create a song without using the same old beat from “Irreplaceable.”

Make Chris Brown go cut a switch and holla at Joe.

Career Suicide: Janet Jackson

If you’re not allowed to take your own life, then you shouldn’t be allowed to off your own career. Don’t get me excited about a possible return to prominence if you’re not going to really put your all into it.

Her sentence: Become Mariah Carey’s dance teacher. Triple life sentence to wear a bra. That’s what started this all anyway.

Musical Bigamy: T-Pain

If we judged collaborations the same way we viewed one’s number of sexual partners, T-Pain would be using his vocoder to do voice overs for Valtrex commercials. I realize he might as well get while the getting’s good, but must he jump on anyone with three dollars and a vanilla black-and-mild’s track?

I would think of a proper punishment, but that jacket makes me think he’s suffered enough. What fashionistnut decided to take Michael Jackson’s jacket from “Beat It” and turn it into a straight jacket?

Publicity Prostitution: Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon

Miss Piggy and Black Screech ought to be ashamed of themselves. How do you go from dating to engaged to married in a week? Do you want [that] many people to watch “Bye, Bye” on YouTube?

Sentence: Consummate the “marriage.” Eww.

The Cynical Ones.
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