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Tuesday, September 23, 2008
2:40 PM

Get Money


I had to take Economics in college and the idea of taking that course was as exciting to me as the prospect of my dick kissing a pair of scissors. I found the subject complicated, and I'm not afraid to admit I sometimes had to read material once, twice, maybe three times to figure a concept out. Though I somehow managed to get a B in this course, if you asked me to explain the current financial crisis in simpler terms, I'd tell you to shut up and let me just tell you how I'm going to try and fix it. Coincidentally, that's the same way approach President Bush is taking to handle one of the worst financial crises in this nation's history.

Though I understand that this unprecedented bailout is an unfortunate unnecessary evil to prevent Spam becoming as valuable as Mercedes-Benz' CL class, I'm still a bit annoyed by it. Why can't the government bail my ass out? I've been a lot more responsible than those greedy triflin' asses on Wall Street and my bailout would be far less than the projected $700 billion, so why not pay my debt off, too?

If President Bush is so gung ho about averting the crisis he helped create, he needs to look into other ways to come up with the cash to fix his fuck ups that doesn't include our tax dollars.

I have some ideas:

1. Sell ass.

America's been sucking off Saudi Arabia to get a good discount on oil for decades. It's about time an American president drops and touches his toes to earn some cash with no strings attached.

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Throw on your cowboy hat, assume the position, and say the phrase that pays, Bush.

2. Sell bootleg shit to Europeans.

Ask the Chinese for advice. They want us to make money to pay them back anyway.

3. Threaten executives with a shanking.

Some of these executives have received tens or even hundreds of millions of dollars after being fired for being an incompetent employee. They helped create this mess, why not shake them down for a little severance money if it's for the cause?

4. Stop giving rich people money they don't deserve.

Even in this bailout these jackasses are giving these even bigger jackasses more money to "fix" the problem they created. What's the lesson in that?

5. Get out of Iraq.

We could probably do a lot with those billions of dollars we're using to pay off people that can't stand us to temporarily play nice.

Somebody needs to fix the economy quick because I don't want to spend 2009 and 2010 eating oatmeal and syrup sandwiches.

The Cynical Ones.
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