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Thursday, November 06, 2008
12:00 AM

Help Me: Aubrey


Hey, Michael!

So, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Diddy decided that he wanted to take Danity Kane in another direction – Dawn’s. He wished me well – or told me to go to hell, I can’t remember – but whatever I’m not in the group anymore. I’m totally on my own now.

Of course, all the girls are still friends. You know, the kind where you don’t call, you don’t write, and you avoid whenever you see at parties unless they catch you leaving a stall in the bathroom. Like totally that.

Now that that chapter of my life is over, I’m trying to plan ahead, and I could really use some advice. Diddy told me my attitude would be my downfall, but what does he know? He’s been using my personality to make child support payments.

Then again, a lot of the blogs have been talking trash and I gotta get people to realize I’m the same girl they met a couple of years ago.

I’m tired of people calling me a hoe. Like what is that? Just because you see me with:


Or him.

Or this guy…hmm, what’s his name? I don’t know, boy #3.

Bachelor #4.

The boss.

And Donnie, but c’mon, Donnie? You know he wasn’t getting that.

She saw more of me than he ever did.

Anyway people even talk about my friends. What is that about?

I mean these are good girls I hang out with.

Kim is such a sweet girl. She just happens to have a sex tape. Oh and Jenna Jameson, I mean yeah she’s a porn star, but it’s commerce, not Chlamydia. She’s totally clean, and sweet. Why am I a hoe for just being friends with them? It’s not like I have a sex tape yet.

People can be so judgmental.

I got totally trashed for this. I mean this is art! Do you know how long it took them to paint on that tan? Geez.

And this is performance art! It’s so not fair. Why don’t people focus on the positive?

Like me doing Broadway. What, blogs can talk about me not wearing any panties or me and Kim doing sexy poses but they can’t talk about me on stage?

Really, I’m just a girl who wants to have fun, make some new friends, and sing. If I just so happen to end up with my own reality show then call it good luck, right?

See it’s the same Aubrey give or take 20 pounds. What can I do to get people to realize that?


Dear Aubrey,

That last picture is proof of two important life lessons: Water is your friend. Whatever you’ve been eating isn’t.

As far as getting people to believe you’re the same old Aubrey: If you want people to believe you’re the same Aubrey, you need to go dig her out of the closet you locked her in.

If that option isn’t available I encourage you to file domestic abuse charges against life, time, and vodka.

It’s obvious they all jumped your ass.

You’re right about Kim Kardashian. She does seem like a sweet girl. But, she gained pseudo-fame from her association with Paris Hilton. You can tell the world that you wouldn’t even touch a penis wrapped in a winning Powerball ticket if you’re not married and folks will automatically hoe you down by association.

I try not to be too stuck on the adage, “You are who you hang with it,” but in a lot of ways, it’s true. Is it true for you? I can’t say, but you rolling with a porn star and posing like you have a Kwik-E-Mart between your legs isn’t really helping your ‘I ain’t a hoe’ cause.

Now onto your career or what’s left of it. Look, you’re out of shape, Britney is back, so pop superstardom doesn’t seem to be in the cards for you. If the 70s coke whore look were in, you'd be on it. Too bad, so sad.

If I were you, I would take a bath, lose the Dolly Parton meets Courtney Love hairstyles, and try and book a reality show. You are extra as hell, but it made far better TV than Dawn and Que’s awkward love. That may have gotten you the boot, but hey, there are always other cameras.

Remember Dove Cares,



The Cynical Ones.
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