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Tuesday, June 30, 2009
11:36 AM

Me on BET on CP Time


Forgive my lateness. To be honest, I planned on not doing commentary on the BET Awards this year.

I was actually at the venue working for the site, so I thought that would be enough. Then again, ya'll me know and needless to say, whenever I write for corporate entities the muzzle is placed on. I need this space to release. I just wasn't sure I wanted to bother releasing anything in this instance.

However, I've gotten IMs, emails, and Tweets like "Where's MUH POST, NEGRO?!" so I guess it was to be expected of me to rant on it. That makes me feel all special and shit. Thanks ya'll.

Alright, let me warn you now that I'm going to do my best to be as honest as possible. Yet at the same time, I honestly enjoy every little check that comes my way so this post and Google will not be infringing on that, ya dig?

Now let's hop to my thoughts on the Jamie Foxx & Ne-Yo Honor Michael Jackson Kinda Awards.

1. New Edition Cannot Sing Worth A Damn Anymore

I think it's great they took the time out of their oh so busy schedules to step in and pay homage to the Jackson 5, but Jesus be a throat lozenge for Ralph Tresvant. Why didn't they let Ricky or Johnny sing lead? God knows Ralph and Bobby can't do really hold it down the way they used to anymore.

And no disrespect to the Kang of R&B, because ya'll know I love him but he sure is big now, isn't he? I guess that coke diet is better than Master Cleanse. Homie looks like he ate his entire past before he stepped on stage.

2. You Don't Need 50 Men Around You All The Time

Why is it so hard to get these rappers and athletes to walk solo? No one is going to shoot you en route to the podium.

3. That's Elvis, Baby, Not Michael

Bless Keri Hilson's heart. She is trying so hard to be great. She's still not the best performer, but I would say this performance was a step up to previous ones I've seen. However, minus the pair of Michael Jackson's old shoes and socks she bought from Papa Joe in the parking lot, her performance looked more like influenced by Jail House Rock than Mr. Beat It.

And what exactly was that the point of that impromptu acapella performance she delievered at the end? Why won't some people leave well enough alone?

If you answer to prove she can really sing, you get an equal fail. Don't do that anymore, Keri.

Sidenote: She's gorgeous. Saw her on Friday while covering the rehearsals. She was shit'n on you hoes in sweats.

4. Two Points For You

Ne-Yo the Negro. I adore "Lady In My Life" and I think Ne-Yo did an excellent rendition of it. I'm not even a huge fan of him or his vocals, but he really did well last night and I'm more inclined to check out his material now.

5. Don't Do That Anymore

Ciara. What person with questionable hearing keeps telling this chick it's OK for her to sing in front of anyone besides her shower head?

6. Did Ya'll Know

That Jamie Foxx is going on tour? If not, you must have not watched a second of this show because they mentioned it every other second.

P.S. Go see Jamie Foxx on tour. That way, if someone reads this and sucks their teeth at me, I can at least say I tried to hold it down.

7. I Am Nothing Without You

Where was Soulja Boy's special friend, Arab? Soulja Boy isn't a skilled enough performer to be on stage without his man. Pause. Kidding, have ya'll seen those two together on YouTube? GO.

8. LeToya Luckett Is

...the cutest thing. I adore her. I need to meet her and take a picture. If you're wondering, yes I want us to both throw up the Clarke in the shot. I love this girl's personality. Someone give her a show. Now.

9. Mrs. Eh.

Beyonce sounded lovely, but I can't say I would be mad if I never saw the performance again. It doesn't help that I've seen it already from YouTube minus the hooker wedding dress she was wearing. Like I said, vocally she did well, but I don't care for these sorts of songs from her. They're devoid of any real emotion despite the attempts at passionate delivery. I believe she's better at masking that quality when performing something uptempo or at least with a bit more oomph.

And don't even ask me what the hell was that she was wearing. Consider it the only thing close to a wedding shot you're gonna get from her.

10. I Want To See

Skank Robbers. Best part of the show to me. Don't judge me.

11. God Goes Hard

When did Jesus hook up with Swizz Beats and why didn't yall tell me about it? It's been a minute since I've stepped inside of a church, but if they have anything close to what Mary Mary is singing, I'm done for a visit. I might even chip in the collection plate so they can get Auto-Tune.

Now, one of those Mary's turned me off by comparing people like me to murderers, but I'll just tell folks I went to see the other one. ''

12. Groove Me

The tribute was nice, but I wanted to see Guy perform "Groove Me." I still dance to that song. Don't believe me? Find me in the gym.

13. Keep It Short

They went a bit overboard with the mini-reenactment of Baby Boy. Michael Jackson is guns? The BET Video Music Awards?

Michael worked very hard to fight drug abuse in the 80s, folks.

14. Team Skinny

Monica gave it to ya'll in her dominatrix get-up. I cannot wait for her to come back. I was listening to "So Gone" yesterday and if she comes back with the right material I am positive (not really, but one can hope) she can find at least some lane for herself.

And also saw her over the weekend. She is ridiculously gorgeous.

Oh yeah, Keyshia was cool, too, but despite it being her song Monica stole the show.

15. Eh-Z

Jay-Z's material over the last couple of years is like hot for a millisecond, then you forget all about it and go back to the classics. Next topic.

16. Don Cornelius

I know he's like 107 years old, but he was rambling about a bunch of nothing in a voice far weaker than his backhand would suggest.

17. So Nice To Know You're Still Alive

Tevin looked like a homeless man they picked up off the street and gave a bath to, but at least he can still sing.

Speaking of people who can still sing, Johnny Gill is a beast. He, Jody, and Baby Kellz did a nice tribute. Better than the real ones. Don't tell Eddie Levert that, though. Don't want to be cursed out.

18. Somebody's Getting Fired

You can bleep the word "butt," but I come home and turn on my TV to hear shit. Nice.

19. And The Rest

Maxwell never disappoints on stage. Not everyone can say that.

So far, keep Drake on that list of those who can't. Wheelchair Jimmy is dope on the mixtapes, but not necessarily on the stage. I've noticed this. Granted, in this instance he was bound to a stoop, but something so far seems amiss. We'll see if he gets it soon, though.

As for Weezy and co. singing about smashing every girl in the world with his seed and underage friends on stage: I wish I could call every CPS officer in the world.

20. The End

Janet was touching. The closing performance was random. To be fair to Jamie and Ne-Yo, they did perform a combined 89 times that tonight.

Lastly, I'm well aware of the flack BET has received for its tribute to Michael Jackson. I get people's concerns, but seriously, award shows take months to plan and then days before the show is to air the greatest entertainer of all time dies. It's really hard to put together anything that would appease people in that short amount of time.

No, that's not me sucking up. Shoot, I had slave seats so I have no reason to suck up. I'm just saying.

I don't think the show was very good, but not solely because of the perceived lack of effort to properly honor my namesake. If they don't get it right later this year, then I'll understand everyone's grips.

Well that's it, someone drop a lil' change in my PayPal. I didn't nab a baller that night.

P.S. Jamie Foxx is going on tour.

P.S.S. Coming Soon: Jamie Foxx

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at