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Thursday, September 10, 2009
3:41 AM

Never Trust A Man Who Looks Like A California Raisin


Jermaine Jackson is living proof of why you should never trust a man who looks too greasy.

I think I can officially declare that he is my least favorite Jackson. Tito never hurt anyone. Katherine is too nice for words. Marlon and Randy could be the worst two people who ever walked the globe, but since I can barely remember they're alive it's hard to judge them so they get an automatic pass. Janet is everything...or at least used to be. Rebbie, well, you've heard "Centipede," haven't you?

Now LaToya is certainly an opportunist who is arguably bat shit crazy, but when you're the only Jackson born without an ounce of rhythm life has got to be rough for you. Especially when you chopped off your nose to look all fancy and end up being rumored to be a knock off version of your kid brother. She can't win, she can't break even and she can't get out of the game.

Of course, Papa Joe is first cousins with Satan so I imagine many of you are asking, "Why doesn't he top your list?" Joe is under Jermaine on the Jacked Up Jackson list because of one thing and one thing only: He's trill about his.

Joe makes it very clear that he's all about the money.

I'm sure that old Dinosaur Negro wakes up everyday singing, "C.R.E.A.M. Get the money. Dollar, dollar bill ya'll."

I may not like it, but I can appreciate that he's honest about his intentions (probably not to the tax man, though). He's a Moneysaurus Rex. Always has been. Always will be.

Jermaine, on the other hand, is acting like we can't tell his motives are rooted in his desire to boost his fledgling career.

I'm not old enough to remember Jermaine had three and a half hits and recorded with Whitney Houston. I only know those fun facts because my older sister happened to like one of his songs.

But, I've since heard while he's certainly acted as a spokesperson for the Jackson family on all issues related to Michael in years past, he was planning to release some tell-all book in which he roasted his little brother. Granted, he's got 50-11 kids to take care of, but you don't do that to family. LaToya did it, and that's why her psychic hot line failed.

The more I hear about Jermaine, the less I like him. There are stories that he harbored some deep seated jealously towards Michael. That he knocked up his brother's wife, then his wife, then his brother's wife again.

He's what the old folks would call "a nasty man." Or a dirty muthafucka...take your pick.

I was fortunate enough to be at the Michael Jackson memorial so I caught Jermaine Jackson's "tribute" to Michael.

I recall a press release saying Jermaine would "bring the house down" with is rendition of "Smile." Yeah, someone was looking to get it in. Then they released his cover on iTunes. All of that to me suggests this had more to do with Jermaine keeping up with his supply of Luster's than honoring baby brother.

And now this concert.

Of all places in the world you choose Vienna in Austria? Because you think it's a fancy city with history.

Why not keep it 100: Say these people hit you up because you're last name is Jackson and in Europe, that's an automatic winning lottery ticket. And since people are so passionate about Michael they'll do anything to honor him. You need the money, they'll give it to you. The end.

Once I found out mama Kat had an issue with Jermaine doing this concert and that Janet is reuniting with MTV to do a real tribute to the King of Pop, it became all the more clearer with Juice Head was up to.

I hope that Michael Jackson is somewhere sitting with Biggie Smalls and Nipsey Russell, eating a bucket of KFC and threatening to body slam Biggie Smalls if he reaches for a wing as the three of them watch The Color Purple.

That way Michael can stop teaching Biggie to moonwalk long enough to focus on this all important quote from the movie:

Until you do right by me everything you think about is gonna crumble!

Let the record show that already acts like Chris Brown and Mary J. Blige have backed out of the show, while others like Natalie Cole are already writing in dates in their daily planners to get out of performing.

Karma doesn't play that, Jermaine.


The Cynical Ones.
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