Blog reader Nailah sent this to me, and it put the biggest smile on my face. One, because it’s funny, and two, it’s proof that there are indeed people just as ign’t as I am. Smile.
Now that we have an application drafted, it’s time I launch a casting call for my looming video for “Flat Foot Hoes.”
Keep in mind:
1. If you have any self-respect, don’t bother showing up. There will be no tears on my set.
2. Must be comfortable in stilettos. I’m talking working out on the treadmill like Mariah Carey comfortable. The more stripper-like your go get ‘em girl heels are, the better.
3. If you’re flat, step back.That is, unless I can get a medical assistant to illegally inject you the day of the shoot.
4. Remember that real hair is a privilege, not a right. Therefore, the longer the weave, the longer your spotlight in the video is. Keep in mind, I don’t cut for that cheap hair. If you got your hair, food, and gas at the same place, you won’t be in the video. Maybe the remix.
5. Try to look less Black. Yeah, this ain’t no Jill Scott video. Try using tape to make your eyes appear slanted, or using a Sharpie to add a few dots here and there. Whatever works, because ya’ll know regular Black girls can only get you so far. If you’re not really mixed, lie and say you are. I doubt I’ll notice the difference anyway.
6. Must be able to do any dance on cue. I’m liable to make up at least three dances in between takes.
For example: If I say jump rope and bounce your left titty at the same time, just go with it. It will catch it so long as the beat is hot. Trust me.
7. Be able to drop and give ‘em 50 more. We have to show folks out.
8. If you can’t really dance, just bend over. Same difference, right?
9. Keep in mind that clothes are for suckas.
10. Must enjoy liquor being poured all over you. Yes, even that cheap shit. We’re on a budget.
If you meet the requirements, don't forget to leave a comment. I'll be shooting this with my digital camera.
Plans to launch my rap career are coming along just fine, fine, fine, fine. It looks like I have already found my very own Memphis Bleek. Some of you may be wondering why would I choose an elderly white man to be my hypeman. What you should be asking is why wouldn't I? With him on board I now have a smoother path towards crossing over, as well as a clever way to work my second single, "Crank That Paycheck." Who else can crank their paychecks better than the dude from NBC News?
And since he's already rich, I don't really have to break the bank (or rob one) to pay him. As my lawyer as already informed me, I can pay him in street cred (thank you, Brittany). Look at David spinning --- he's down. He's getting it better than Mary. This is exactly why Mary has toned it down a little. They're not requesting "I Can Love You" on The Today Show, but they will be asking me on to appear on stage so they can watch David jig to "AIM Bitches."
Now that “Crank That (Soulja Boy)” has become the most downloaded song in history, T-Pain has nearly 100 songs on the Hot 100, and any and every song designed for the club has a 90% chance of becoming a platinum ringtone, I’ve reached a very important decision in my life: I’m becoming a rapper.
Yes…I’m serious.
I’ve been debating what kind of rapper I want to be, though.
Should I be one of depth, and return to the lyricism-focused days of hip hop? I could take a detour from the shallowness and materialism that consumes mainstream hip hop, and offer sociopolitical commentary that would be critically lauded and welcomed by audiences bored with what they hear on the radio.
Sike. I can’t pay off Visa with those sales. Besides, I have no actual talent and I don’t have the time or drive to develop any. I want to buy rims (and y’know, a car, too) and you don’t have to be in anyone’s top five to get that. So should I dumb it down? Burn my college degree so there won’t be any evidence?
Yahh bitch yahh! That is indeed Reynold’s Wrap. It will have to do until I find out if TV Johnny has a payment plan. I already have a vocoder on lay-a-way. I’m trying to find some software to make my Casio beats. I’ll be downloading, that, though. I’m too hood to pay for it.
If I were to give you the type of music you play as you walk to the library, then that means I’ll have to steal out of my mama’s purse. If I give you the type of music that you can shake your ass and/or throw your hood up to, then that means I’m going to top the countdown on 106 & Park . I’m dying to get on that show and pass Rocsi a cough drop.
I’ve been brainstorming song ideas. I made a list of every theme I need to cover to have a successful album.
I’m so hood. I get money. I pop bottles. I’m rollin’. My grill shines like this... I have a Phantom. My girl got a girlfriend. I’m a dope boy. I sell coke by the keys. I sell weed by the pound. I’m me. I’m the shit. Get low, bitch. Make it clap, hoe. Back that ass up, bitch. Suck my dick.
Then there’s glocks, shining in the club, odes to strippers, the word nigga, and of course, female and gay bashing. I’ll likely cool off on the last two. I don’t want to be your typical misogynist and homophobe. I want to be an innovator: I want to hate everyone.
So far I have these working titles:
"Bitch Drive" "Crank That Paycheck" "Hoebitch" "Hotsauce" "Pump My Gas" "AIM Bitches" "Kick That Hoe in The Throat" "Seasoned Like Lawry’s" "Pregaming" "Pass The ‘Tussin" "E-Beef" "Trick Named Sallie"
FYI: "Hotsauce" is a dance. Don't worry, I'll explain everything on YouTube in due time. Just to give ya’ll of a little taste, you can expect to hear clever lines like, “I pops like chicken grease, fuck with me I'm pulling out my piece” throughout the album.
And for anyone thinking, don’t quit your day job, there’s a bonus track: “I Quit My Day Job, Bitch (Dedicated to the Haters).” I’m sure there a few (hundred) doubters thinking I must have too much time on my hands. Wrong. I have too many bills on my hands. All I need are two songs to end up on everyone’s Nokia and Motorola so I can pay off my student loans. Now if you’re down for the cause, I’m looking for a hype man and a few bowlegged dancers.
