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Monday, May 12, 2008
1:51 PM

The Name Game


The list of the most popular baby names for 2007 has been released. For over three decades, Michael was the name of choice, but in recent years, my name has been removed from its well deserved top position. I don’t know why that is, but I suspect something sinister, twisted, and hater approved. That’s ok, though, because these days, with so many triflin’ kids running around acting like Dr. Suess sells crack, we don’t need anyone bad child soiling the great name of Michael.

Here’s the top ten baby names for boys:

1. Jacob

2. Michael

3. Ethan

4. Joshua

5. Daniel

6. Christopher

7. Anthony

8. William

9. Matthew

10. Andrew

I guess Jacob is OK, if you’re into that sort of thing (i.e. not naming your male child Michael).

For girls:

1. Emily

2. Isabella

3. Emma

4. Ava

5. Madison

6. Sophia

7. Olivia

8. Abigail

9. Hannah

10. Elizabeth

Yeah, a lot of these names are boring and common, so I can understand why some people would feel the need to create something special for their child to separate them from the pack. But, that doesn’t mean we need a bunch of Beyonce Ashanti’s and Quintisha’s running around either.

If you’re going to break the mold, try to heed the following rules:

1. Pay attention to phonics.

Some people walk around with names spelled like C’Belle and get mad that folks don’t know that your mama wants us to pronounce it the same way as Sybil.

2. Do not name your child after your favorite restaurant. Or your favorite meal. Or your favorite type of meat on sale. Labeefia ain’t cute, ya’ll. If you do any of the above, legally change your name to Obestia/Obesto.

3. Stop naming your children after cars. I know you like your Camry, but do you like that much? I don’t even knock you wanting your child to feel like they’re going to lead a Mercedes life despite you having a bus pass budget. Believe me: I feel you. But if you want to show that they’re top dollar kids, you might as well name them Chevron or Exxon. That’s where the real money is these days.

4. Stop trying to be creative. Especially when you know that you’re not. Just because you have problems paying your mortgage doesn’t mean some poor soul should walk around with a name like Mortagetta.

And stop listening to other people who will look you dead in the eye and tell you that Bontavia is a pretty name. And if you’re wondering, yes, that’s a real name. I do my research. (Sorry Bontavia)

5. Liquor is for consumption and possibly baby making, not baby naming. So yeah, I have made friends that were probably named after wine cooler flavors though the years, and while they are good people, HR doesn’t always know that.

Try to give your child a chance. I’ve already warned folks about sprinkling Lawry’s salt on their child’s resume on this blog before.

Then again, I like the name Malik for a boy, so if that ever comes to fruition (heaven help us if it does), I’m sure Matthew and Hannah will be giving my offspring the side eye thinking those scratches in the top corner of his resume come from a Black Power fist afro pick. But I bet Malik will get more love than Kolonick and Outkasta.

Think about it.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at