Music provides the greatest escape for me. My mood can usually be altered depending on the song. Yesterday - or maybe the day before that...everything this week is somewhat of a blur - I put my iPod on shuffle and hoped for the best. I realized years ago that I have a knack for finding the right song to capture exactly how I'm feeling at any given moment. First song to play on shuffle was a good one: "Didn't Cha Know."
For a minute, I felt a little different. I can't remember many of the 298 songs that followed. I know "Everyday It Rains" came on, and I know I danced along to a couple more, but nothing sticks out. And then song 299 came on and I've been playing it ever since. It's something I definitely needed to hear.
You'll have to forgive me for not being the best blogger over the last few weeks. I haven't had as much creativity running through me as I would like. I've either had to dedicate myself to other tasks or I just couldn't come up with anything to say. I feel really drained. This entry is not meant to serve as my personal pity party, but I figure if I can't think of anything in particular to muse on, I might as well rant on what's real.
I had every intention of kicking 2009 off with a lot of optimism. New things are in store for me, but my excitement simply isn't there. I guess in a way, I feel defeated, and thus tired.
Over the last year-and-a-half I've gotten plenty of emails from different readers telling me my words have either helped them past the time or aid them in taking their minds off of something in their lives they needed a distraction from. I love when people tell me that because it gives me the incentive to keep writing. I have to say, though, I wish I had given myself my own distraction.
I don't know what it is about me that's intent on being my own worst enemy sometimes, but I am far too hard on myself. I've always been someone with big dreams, and I've worked really hard and sacrificed to get myself to the level I've always aspired to be on. And with a lot of disappointment comes a time to reflect on what you should've done, or what you still need to do and sometimes it can all be too overwhelming. Everything seems so much more difficult than it has to be.
Or maybe it doesn't. The other day I saw one of my friends put up a status saying they believed again. Yesterday I sent a text asking what got them back to that point and they told me they reflected on happier times and recalled a happier version of themselves. She said she made a vow to not criticize herself.
That's exactly my problem: I'm way too critical sometimes, and I criticize no one harsher than I do myself. If I would only stop doing that I would leave myself room to reflect on the things that I have done, be proud of that and look forward to all the things I can still do. Like the homie or anyone who knows better. And someone else brought something to my attention: You're supposed to enjoy your 20s. Everything isn't going to happen exactly how you want it to, but that doesn't mean you should hold off your happiness until you get it.
These are all things I know, but at the same time, they're ideals I've yet to fully embrace. And that's probably why I'm still stuck on Amel Larrieux. Everything rests on me. I'm the only one that can snap myself back. It's that simple...or at least, should be.
So I won't sound like a complete dreary Sade ballad, I did read this quote that put things in perspective. "When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."
Hopefully I can prop myself up by Friday. Things could always be worse. I could be George Bush's new neighbor/target, Janet Jackson's last album, or Sheree Whitfield's rationale for alimony.