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Monday, February 09, 2009
12:00 AM

I Need Answers: Grammy Edition


I can describe my thoughts of this year's Grammys in four words: Fuck you, Chris Brown. The show was already likely to suck after I found out Beyonce wasn't added to the performance lineup. Then he had to go and take away two of the very people who might have added even the smallest minuscule of umph necessary to keep me from passing out of sheer boredom from this show: Him and his girlfriend.

Seek help you hyperactive jack ass.

When the Grammys started I was busy working out in my room trying to up my sessy. It's 2009, ya'll. I got to get my body right just incase I'll have to use it to keep my bank account right. It's not a game. Though I definitely push upped and sat upped while the show was on, I know boring when I see it. That's why the second I saw Al Green, Justin Timberlake, and an extra large version of Boyz II Men (looks like Wanye ate the fourth member) I had to put the TV on mute and turn on "The Stanky Legg."

I guess you can figure out that I wasn't exactly glued to the show thereafter. But, I can't go without talking about this bore fest completely (I mean, I sat through it so I might as well say something), so I decided to cover the remainder of the show in question form.

1. Was I supposed to be excited that Jay-Z came out of nowhere in the middle of the Coldplay performance?

2. Was M.I.A. trying to induce labor by jumping up and down on stage like that?

3. What was the deal with Kanye West's jacket?

4. Was that shit made out of foil?

5. Why is he trying to bring that hairstyle back?

6. Is T.I. ever going to jail?

7. Though I think Estelle is cool, how did she get to perform at the Grammys but not Jazmine Sullivan?

8. Has anyone actually heard the song that won Record and Album of the Year?

9. What the hell was that Jonas Brothers/Stevie Wonder duet?

10. Does Stevie just say yes to anything?

11. Isn't it time for him to let those braids go already?

12. The producers of this show just randomly pull names out of hat and pair them together on stage, don't they?

13. Why did Justin get to perform twice?

14. Who got up and did something else when Neil Diamond hit the stage?

15. Didn't this feel like one of the longest award shows ever?

16. Alicia Keys got an award for a vocal performance. Why?

17. Does anyone else not give a damn that Katy Perry kissed a girl and liked it?

18. Didn't Solange look beautiful last night?

19. Was Whitney high?

20. Where was Beyonce?!?!


The Cynical Ones.
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