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Monday, May 11, 2009
2:10 AM

Get Your Off Video Phone


Last week seemed to be themed around peak-a-boo privates, and although more crotch shots are said to be one the way, can I ask this favor of every celebrity yet to be caught out there: Delete every single nudie shot you have on your phone!

Hide your nipples, keep your pubes out of view, and try not to give the world access to your ass in the coming weeks, months, and years. I would be most grateful if you granted me that request.

Although I can imagine how much it must suck to learn that something you intended to be private was snatched from you and shared with everyone with internet access, I don't completely feel bad for a lot of these celebrities.

Through the years countless sex tapes have been leaked, not to mention the likes of Paris Hilton have had their phones hacked into and people like Karrine Steffans have made it abundantly clear that there is a market for sexual info about your average D lister. Why haven't these recent victims of the 'whodunit' noticed the pattern?

I got into a debate with one of my friends who said if something like that were to ever happen to me she would go to bat for me. I thanked her for her offer, but let her know she won't have that problem. We all have our dirt and very few of us are perfect angels (of course, I'm as close to it as you can get), but some of us are aware of how these internets work.

Over the weekend I also read comments from people branding Rihanna the whore of Babylon for her photos. I don't share that view. Taking intimate pictures with a long-time boyfriend isn't the same to me as spreading yourself wide eagle for the highest bidder. Speaking of such a scenario, Cassie's response to her pierced parts premiering online somewhat rubbed me the wrong way.

In one instance it's "sick and evil" for someone to "hack" into her computer yet those criticizing her need to get over it because "it's just a tit." That attitude only heightens people suspicions that she leaked those pictures herself. If that is the case, she's lamer than I thought.

It's one thing to be sexual. It's another to rely on sex appeal to mask the fact that you share the same level of vocal talent as a garbage truck. Not to mention I've gotten more entertainment value from funerals than I have from any of her live performances. Her having the type of body that should drive Michael Jackson crazy isn't about to make me forget either opinion.

Even wacker is Hoopz who seems to be extending her 11 seconds of infamy (fame is pushing it and ya'll know it) by releasing a sex tape. Gee, a woman famous for faking attraction to Flavor Flav has a sex tape. Shocker. I wouldn't be surprised if one of her with a female is next on the list for the Luke girl because I know for a fact she used to mess with a female friend of mine.

That likely explains why she looks bored out of her mind in the clip floating around.

Either way, as amusing as some of the commentary has been on these nude shots and sex tapes, I'm really getting annoyed by how accepting we've become of pornographic publicity stunts.

I want people to remember they can have sex w/o being taped & leaked online. Develop talent, not a position.

For the celebrities who don't want us all up in them, learn to get off without the use of your camera phone. Try masturbating or at the very least angle the camera away from your head. Do something because this is getting old quickly.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at