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Thursday, July 30, 2009
3:52 PM

Help Me: Ciara


Hey, Mike.

It’s ya girl Ciara (pronounced Cee-erra). Now I know your whole thing is advice or whatever, but I'm sure you've noticed that I don’t really need any advice per se.

This time in my life I’m very happy. I’m going out more.

See? That’s me out. I’m sure you know who that is. Kim Kardashian and I are very good friends. Like total BFFs or whatever.

It’s good to meet with someone who totally helps get me more press understands me and supports me in my evolution as a woman and entertainer.

And she also knows what it’s like to deal with the negativity out there. You know, the kind of negativity people like you throw out on the internet.

Quite frankly, I find it pretty pathetic. What have I done to any of you?

Why sit there and nitpick and judge me online? Why sit at your computer staring at me trying to find something – anything – to bash me with? You know what? You must really like what I do for you to sit there and analysis it.

I look at it as you all have too much time on their hands.

Unfortunately, we live in a negative world so ya’ll have been successful in derailing my Fantasy Ride. It’s not right. I worked hard on that album!

I took my fans on fantasy ride through music. I gave so many shades of myself.

I really pushed myself as a woman, as a writer, as a producer, as a performer. I have grown so much. Unlike a lot of artists I didn’t rush my project. I wanted perfection, because I wanted to give fans my all.

I am in love with my music, it’s my lover, my friend, my everything. I gave my fans a first class ticket to music. Everyone else is giving them stand-by on Southwest.

But you all won’t let that be the narrative. You’d rather still crack jokes.

You know I’m not a man.

Whether or not I’ve bench pressed 50 Cent’s penis doesn’t matter.

What matters is that I’m an artist and should have my music heard.

So how can we get people like you to stop being negative and make that happen? My Fantasy Rise shouldn't be treated like MARTA.

Like I said I don’t need your advice. I need you to quit hating.


Now if you’ll excuse me, me, Kim, and LaLa are headed to the Ivy.

Kiss my swag,



Dear Ciara,

Have you heard of the phrase “sucking at life?”

If so, how about you stop, pose for the frame and be the visual embodiment of the term?

Since I’m behind the post that got past around more than copies of Rihanna’s last album (you mad?), I caught the not-so-subtle digs at me and those with similar opinions in that interview with the writer who took the stan approach to interviewing.

Let’s share two fun facts for the day:

1. It took me 20 minutes to write that post. If you can write, and the subject matter is easy and the target is even easier I’m not wasting that much time or brain cells highlighting the obvious.

2. When people point out something bad, don’t think they’re secretly in love with it. That’s a delusional and narcissistic way of taking criticism. Trust me: I meant what I said when I wrote it.

There are times when you have “nothing to do.” Same for the rest of the world. Keep that slick talk in the jar.

I was actually a fan of yours. I bought Goodies. I found you refreshing.

Sure you looked a little familiar and was riding the crunk trend, but you keeping your legs closed for most of your debut. That separated you from the rest of the pack.

Then someone whispered in your ear that sex sells. You were encouraged to ‘step it up’ – not musically, not performance wise, but hormonally.

Then came the muscle butt shots.

The splits.

Your glorified audition for The Player’s Club 2: EBT Don’t Keep Me in Fendi.

It’s not that you can’t be sexual. I mean, I loves me a whorish pop star. But there’s something that you and other singers like you don’t seem to get.

When Janet and Madonna spread their legs from east to west, it seemed as if they owned their sexuality. It tied into their music and image and was something that seemed organic.

You, on the other hand, seem to be following a formula.

A formula that’s now taken you from potentially being the new Janet to likely turning into the heir to Mya’s shoulda, coulda, woulda throne.

I heard that it really bothers you that Rihanna’s become a superstar, hence why you fired all of your old team.

Just between the two of us, did you want to push her off the stage? Or were you too busy frowning at the woman from E! that kept mispronouncing your name.

Here’s the thing: You were doing everything you needed to do to be a star.

You were different because you were one of the few who actually danced.

Not just dip it, pop it, twirk it, stop it.

You actually had some level of extensive choreography. Now all you do is twist a little and spread ‘em wide eagle.

Even he’s dancing more than you now.

Sex gets attention, it doesn’t sell music, especially not in a recession.

Do you really think we care about you licking Justin Timberlake's ear? Half of us ain't felt him since he ran away in tears from Janet Jackson. You didn't excite anyone but Jessica Biel.

Wanna know why Keri Hilson is doing well despite dancing like the slow on in dance class?

Her songs are catchy. The end.

She’s doing songs you should be doing. Were you late on your check the last time or something? Forget that diss and call her for a session.

A hair cut isn’t going to save you.

And as your ex-hairstylist put it:

“She has no identity. Still trying to find a look.

The pics of Ciara on the post for her twitter is my work, the beautiful makeup head shot was done a year ago in Atlanta, that other crap is Kiyah, wack . Please make a correction. We spent hours trying to find this child a look and she still bites and don’t listen to a list . She’s a year behind all of it . Crazy !, she would have been rocking it all before all if she listen ,now she looks like a knock off.”

You’re late!

You don't want my advice, but if I were you I'd:

1. Fire whoever has you dressing like Rihanna's drag queen of an older brother.
2. Burn that wig and the person who handed it to you.
3. Call Jazze Phae and Lil' Jon so you three can make a comeback together.
4. Stop being late. If you hear a song that's catchy and think, "Oooh this song will sound even better three years from now when I try something like it," delete the mp3 asap.
5. Stop acting so damn pretentious. Your are known for the matrix, not fighting world hunger.

In five years you've gone from multi-platinum burgeoning solo star to fading solo act who's one or two flops away from being a judge on So You Think You Can Dance. Speaking of dancing, get you a new jig while you're at it.

I think you have a lot of potential, but figure out who you are yourself for your next project. Let your label figure out how to market your actual persona after the fact.

Get it together soon or:
…will be the only goodies you serve to the kids.

Dueces up, your chart position is DOWN!

Your welcome,



The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at