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Wednesday, September 05, 2007
5:04 PM

They Grow Up So Fast


Chris Brown strikes me as one of those nice kids that get corrupted the second they start taking someone's bad advice and start trying to be something that they're not.

It started with his tattoos.

It's a problem when you presumably have money, or at the very least, a large enough advance check and access to the finest everything, yet you still have tattoos that look as if they were etched into your skin with a number three pencil. I'm broke with a better tattoo. That's not right.

If you're going to have ugly prison tats, get them in places that won't prevent you from securing roles. Or if you're going to be marked where all can see, get something better than a skull and...I don't know what that's supposed to be. A ring, I guess. Whatever it is, it's corny, because Chris Brown is not hard.

Thugs don't dress like Urkel and proceed to spin and dip. I know where you got that from, Chris.

Not fly. He looks as if the photographer caught him between a bad case of gas or jock itch. Either way, smooth criminal you are not.

And then there's the video sitting atop of the entry. While I am impressed by his strength, listening to some grown man that looks like a Ja-Fakin' version of Homie the Clown tell you what to do on stage isn't the way to start off adulthood.

Don't get me wrong, I like Crust Brown (thank you, Blu), I really do. He sort of reminds me of Al B. Sure only with rhythm. You know, light skinned, can't really sing. But I do like him, which is why I'm worried.

I began to tolerate "Wall to Wall" despite the video. I can't get into "Kiss, Kiss," though. I'm sure it will be a hit, because T-Pain is on it, but the idea of someone that's been declared the future of R&B already seeking out an easy hit isn't a good sign for his thrown.

It's like his handlers saw something obviously working, but being the geniuses that they are, decided to change everything in an effort to perpetuate the status quo. It's doing wonders, with one single already tanking, another rushed out, and a third single with an accompanying video set to be released before the album (that's been since pushed back) is released in Novemeber.

If I were Chris, I'd have that etch-a-sketch inspired-tattoo burned off the second after I tell my A&R rep that's a special place he or she can kiss, kiss.

The Cynical Ones.
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