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Tuesday, June 24, 2008
2:37 AM

The Secret


Never one to miss an opportunity to exploit someone else’s fame and success to increase his own celebrity, Diddy Puff wasted no time in shooting a video with newly christened King of Hip-Hop, Lil’ Wayne for his video blog on YouTube.

Besides using their lips to massage each other’s cheeks, Puff Puff Diddy asked Wayne to share tips to would be superstar emcees. I don’t know about ya’ll, but I found Wayne’s tips to be pretty boring.

I’m not a multi-platinum ringtone seller (yet), but I have much better tips.


1. Don’t go to school. A GED can't get you on BET.

2. Say n*gga a lot. To the point where I think you either owned slaves or you really, really, really, really love Black people (y’know, since it’s a term of endearment).

3. Say b*tch and f*g a lot, too. As a matter of fact, be as misogynistic as possible then whine like a little girl on your records. Or sing like Ashanti's your vocal coach. Folks will call you sexy because of it. As for the homos, say you hate gay people over and over again, then walk around oiled up in your video and tell another man to suck your dick. Don't forget to say 'no homo' as much as humanly possible, though.

4. Shoot somebody. And if that’s too much for you, lie and say you did. Go even further: Say you killed somebody. When folks ask for proof, just get some tear tats on your face. Folks will forget the only person you ever shot was yourself. Trust me.

5. Can’t rap? Get a ghostwriter. I heard Gillie is available.

6. Smoke weed. To the point where your mouth looks like Philly’s blunts gave birth to you.

7. Buy a vocoder.

8. Visit your relatives in the south. Swagger jack their accents. Look: We rule the world right now.

9. Two words: Call T-Pain.

10. You know how Wayne said, “You don’t try to be different, because when you’re trying to be different you end up being the same, because everyone’s trying to be different.” That was actually pretty profound, but look who’s co-signing him in the video.

That’s the same person who’s made a fortune selling people an image of how they're supposed to be. So sure, “do you,” but do you in a way that talks about the same shit as everyone else. Word to shiny suits.

You’re welcome.

The Cynical Ones.
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