I don’t know if I can be more persuasive than these two, but I’m going to try my best.

For many states, today marks the last day of voter registration. That means if you don’t register to vote by the end of the day, if John McCain wins I’m going to want to personally fuck you up. In case you’ve been living under the largest rock on Earth, the last eight years have been a bunch of bullshit.

An illegal war was launched under false pretenses; America now has Mike Tyson’s credit score; the government has enough spying power now to sniff your draws; it’s likely that a multi-vitamin, vapor rub, and prayer will become the national health care plan; American customer service is now an Indian pastime and not to be outdone everything is officially made in China.

Or, to be precise: we’re fucked.

But that bores you, right? I mean, politics. It’s totally uninteresting. Issues, policies, and the news: yawn. I get it.

Still, your punk ass needs to register to vote. If you don’t believe in voting or you don’t think it matters who the president is, you make about as much sense as Jamie Foxx’s hairline. The two-party system is certainly broken, but if you don’t take any action, then who are you to espouse such flawed logic let alone complain?

If people actually annoyed their local politicians enough, legitimate change would probably occur around you. OK, before I go on a tangent, as for the top of the ticket, have you not heard of George W. Bush? Is that not enough proof that letting someone with the insight of a gerbil makes the difference between good times and bad? I don’t recall the phrase “worst economic crisis since the Great Depression” being used back in the 90s, do you?

To that end, can we drop the trite “Does it really matter?” debate and get you registered already? And yes, jury duty would suck and I know that’s why many people don’t sign up to vote. But, look at it this way: Would you rather find a way out of a jury pool or going to Tehran? Tehran is in Iran and if one of the candidates gleefully sings “Bomb Bomb Bomb Bomb Iran” what do you think will happen should he be elected?

Yeah, there’s no draft now, but history often goes through cycles. Don’t think marriage, age, gender, or sexual orientation will matter either. This country is desperate for troops so you’re bowlegged bisexual 58-year-old grandmother will be dropping bombs and ducking fire under a McCain administration.


I would say I don’t care who you vote for as long as you vote but that would be a lie. I want you to register to vote and vote for Barack Obama. If you vote for McCain I can’t say that I would be mad if you developed arthritis shortly thereafter. Don’t do it to yourselves, or better yet, don’t do it to me.

Now go here and register.