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Monday, July 06, 2009
2:49 PM

I Need Answers: King of Pop and Lock Edition


In honor of the best to ever done it, this month's "I Need Answers" is dedicated to Michael Jackson. Rest in peace to the man who's been shit'on on you these hoes since he jigged out of the womb.

1. We get that he left his mama, his trust, and those kids his money, but who’s getting Michael Jackson’s array of fine hair weaves and wigs?

2. Who in the hell left the gate open and allowed Joe Jackson to step out in a zoot suit designed for Satan and talk shit about his new record label thirty seconds after his son died?

3. Does anyone else look at the state of Michael Jackson-less pop & R&B and get the sudden urge to lead a séance to call his spirit back?

4. Speaking of spirits, will someone tell Larry King to quit it?

5. Did CNN really need to find Bubbles for a report on Michael Jackson?

6. And if that’s the case, why haven’t we heard from Emmanuel Lewis and Macaulay Culkin?

7. Do you know that to this day, I still can’t spell Macaulay without wanting to quit this bitch?

8. Wouldn’t it have been dope if Michael Jackson and Madonna went through with plans to collaborate on “In The Closet?”

9. Can someone direct me to a bridge that I can push this conniving vulture over?

10. Am I the only one hoping Rebe Jackson performs “Centipede” at the memorial service tomorrow?


11. Did anyone else look at this picture and immediately get angry?

12. What does this ratchet blond call herself doing?

13. Anyone in on paying a Michael Jackson impersonator to whoop up on Joe?

14. Is it wrong to wish that Michael’s labels hurry up and package all of his unreleased material from the vault?

15. Is Moonwalker on DVD?

16. Was I still on the bottle when these came out?

17. Doesn’t the inherently negative coverage in the mainstream media of Michael’s death make you want to slap a bitch?

18. Michael Jackson was acquitted of child molestation charges. Elvis Presley married a 14-year-old girl. Why is the naturally pale one not branded a pedophile?

19. I loved him, too, but be honest: Even if you want to treat him like family, can we agree that mentally Michael could be a little off the wall at times?

P.S. Don’t stab me.

20. Can I get a shamon?


The Cynical Ones.
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