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Friday, September 11, 2009
1:45 PM

Jimmy Dean Jr.


I vaguely heard about some fat kid yearning for some pork on Twitter, but it wasn't until this morning when I checked my inbox that I witnessed kirkin' Curtis.

I'm not even sure where to begin.

Curtis himself sounds old enough to have owned the first slave. Or at the very least he's old enough to know that Colonel Sanders stole his chicken recipe. Whatever century you want to place him in I think we can all agree that Captain Curt is probably shit'n on your SAT scores.

As smart as he is, his intellect doesn't excuse him being a disrespectful little child who appears to need a James Evan inspired ass whooping. I don't know how it works in bacon land, but 'round my way you don't talk to an adult like that and if you do don't be surprised that your baby teeth are on the floor and the Tooth Fairy was given the wrong directions to your pillow.

Making matters worse is that the kid is spazzing over not being able to get some bacon.

OK, so my past life as a pork-loving porker understands why he's obsessed with munching on Miss Piggy (pause...or something). But that only means it falls on the responsibility of his parents to inform him that this woman involved in the wife swap is not named Miss Millie so you shouldn't talk to her in that manner.

My friend that sent me this video pointed out that I used to eat a sausage sandwich of death myself.

Let me break that breakfast sandwich down for ya'll.

It was called the "Extreme Sausage Sandwich." It had two big sausage patties, an egg, and some cheese on a bun.

I had it without the egg as I'm not all that keen on processed mystery eggs on my sammiches.

In hindsight, I know eating that was wrong and if I continued to eat like that I'd probably be calling this blog "The Extra Large Ones."

Now if this little boy ever found out about this sandwich, what are the chances that he would try to bodyslam me for it -- then demand Jack in the Box slap six pieces of bacon on top?

That's why I hope in the long run someone educates this kid about nutrition.

It should go without saying that videos like these illustrate why America's children are heading for a life that could be best summarized by these three words: "I Be Strokin'."

Sadly, I see some people in the comments section of the site featuring this video see nothing wrong with Curtis' attitude or appetite:


Oh come on! I thought this kid was very impressive. A little bacon never hurt anyone. Give me a break, so he is a little chubby, nothing a little proportion size cutting cant fix. Balance is the key, but Damn he should be a lawyer, I thought he put up a pretty good argument and he was very tactful about it! So what! Protein isss good for you. Only a vegetarian will tell you otherwise.

Who wants to bet Annette hasn't left her couch in seven years?

Regardless of how you feel about having Porky Pig in the morning, I think we can all agree that this kid deserves his own show. I'm not quite sure if there's a tiara hiding underneath that hair of his but to be on the safe side I suggest producers have ample amounts of BLTs on set. Fat boys bring fury when there's food missing.


The Cynical Ones.
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