I vaguely heard about some fat kid yearning for some pork on Twitter, but it wasn't until this morning when I checked my inbox that I witnessed kirkin' Curtis.
I'm not even sure where to begin.
Curtis himself sounds old enough to have owned the first slave. Or at the very least he's old enough to know that Colonel Sanders stole his chicken recipe. Whatever century you want to place him in I think we can all agree that Captain Curt is probably shit'n on your SAT scores.
As smart as he is, his intellect doesn't excuse him being a disrespectful little child who appears to need a James Evan inspired ass whooping. I don't know how it works in bacon land, but 'round my way you don't talk to an adult like that and if you do don't be surprised that your baby teeth are on the floor and the Tooth Fairy was given the wrong directions to your pillow.
Making matters worse is that the kid is spazzing over not being able to get some bacon.
OK, so my past life as a pork-loving porker understands why he's obsessed with munching on Miss Piggy (pause...or something). But that only means it falls on the responsibility of his parents to inform him that this woman involved in the wife swap is not named Miss Millie so you shouldn't talk to her in that manner.
My friend that sent me this video pointed out that I used to eat a sausage sandwich of death myself.
Let me break that breakfast sandwich down for ya'll.
It was called the "Extreme Sausage Sandwich." It had two big sausage patties, an egg, and some cheese on a bun.
I had it without the egg as I'm not all that keen on processed mystery eggs on my sammiches.
In hindsight, I know eating that was wrong and if I continued to eat like that I'd probably be calling this blog "The Extra Large Ones."
Now if this little boy ever found out about this sandwich, what are the chances that he would try to bodyslam me for it -- then demand Jack in the Box slap six pieces of bacon on top?
That's why I hope in the long run someone educates this kid about nutrition.
It should go without saying that videos like these illustrate why America's children are heading for a life that could be best summarized by these three words: "I Be Strokin'."
Sadly, I see some people in the comments section of the site featuring this video see nothing wrong with Curtis' attitude or appetite:
Annette
Oh come on! I thought this kid was very impressive. A little bacon never hurt anyone. Give me a break, so he is a little chubby, nothing a little proportion size cutting cant fix. Balance is the key, but Damn he should be a lawyer, I thought he put up a pretty good argument and he was very tactful about it! So what! Protein isss good for you. Only a vegetarian will tell you otherwise.
Who wants to bet Annette hasn't left her couch in seven years?
Regardless of how you feel about having Porky Pig in the morning, I think we can all agree that this kid deserves his own show. I'm not quite sure if there's a tiara hiding underneath that hair of his but to be on the safe side I suggest producers have ample amounts of BLTs on set. Fat boys bring fury when there's food missing.
If the sight of this sandwich has your mouth watering like the Pacific, I suggest you go and get right with God.
Because once you start working this sandwich into your daily diet it won't be long before your meeting your maker.
Gluttony can't even begin to describe this suicide sandwich. Instead of wasting time with bread, the double down sandwich lets two fried chicken patties take the place of Nature's Own and then sneaks in slices of Swiss and pepper jack cheese, 2 slices of bacon, and some "Colonel sauce" that would probably make even the most hood Chinese restaurant owner say, "Too salty."
You won't even be able to eat this sandwich with your hands because of all the grease! If you did you'll walk around looking like Jermaine Jackson's long lost twin.
Yet, I know a bunch of ya'll are sitting here thinking, "Ooh, where do they do that at?"
So far it's only available in Providence, Rhode Island and Omaha, Nebraska. If it does well - which it will, we're a nation of fat asses with death wishes - it will head out West.
The sandwich contains 740 calories, 42 grams of fat and 2100 mg of sodium -- but that's not excluding the special sauce and cheeses. If the calories and grams of fat weren't bad enough, take a good long look at the 2100 mg of sodium.
Do you know what that's going to make your heart do?
Remix, remix.
Sidenote: Back when this song came out, I used to be able to do that, though I bet if I tried it now I'd pop, lock, and drop it to the emergency room. Somebody needs to stretch!
Since moving to LA, I realize this is the land of many KFCs. I don't know why LaLa land won't let a Popeye's biscuit be great, but I do know one thing: All of the fat people who stand in my way when walking somewhere (don't worry ya'll: In due time I will live in a deluxe apartment in the sky with fit folks) will take even longer for me to maneuver around them.
Why oh why is a sandwich like this being rolled out when it becomes all the more apparent that the reform in health care reform might be sent to the island of broken promises and unfulfilled wishes?
And wasn't KFC starting a stampede in their stores a few months ago after getting Oprah to hand out coupons to try their new "healthier, grilled chicken?"
In gluttony news, I read this story about chocolate covered bacon. Is your stomach growling or is that the sound of your heart begging you for mercy?
This little love child of Porky Pig and the Hershey corporation is not the brainchild of anyone in the South. This is something out of Santa Cruz. Cali, stand up because the world is looking at you. But don't brag too much as Minnesota would like to get a little shine for this, ya dig. This year, Famous Dave's at the Minnesota State Fair is rolling out Pig Lickers — dark chocolate-covered bacon pieces sprinkled with sea salt.
I don't think my taste buds have been this excited since walking down a New York street that smelled like a potion of piss, shit, and bad breath.
"There's a whole trend toward chefs pushing the boundaries," says Page. "Chefs are trying to be more playful and incorporate new kinds of whimsy."
I'm thinking catfish flavored oatmeal, onion cheesecake, and cookies that taste the way T-Pain looks.
You mean to tell me Rick Ross isn't really a drug czar? I would have never guessed despite no one talking about Rick Ross' drug cartel past besides Rick Ross on wax. The next thing you'll tell me is that Lil' Wayne is a fake Blood and my toilet paper goes harder than The Game.
If there's anything to learn from the Ricky Ross controversy it's that people need to learn how to lie better.
Remember when pictures of Eve getting a tongue-assisted vaginal massage from a fellow stripper surfaced a few years back? Her response was "photoshop" although if you look at the grainy picture, her facial expressions suggested she was being sexually aroused. That or she makes really interesting facial expressions at interesting angles. Besides, the notion that Eve much less any random stripper could be bisexual (or at least gay for pay) isn't all that hard to believe. Lucky for her, though, that by the time the pictures leaked to the web the only Eve people still cared about was the fruit snatcher from the Bible.
Borrowing from the Eve playbook, Ross initially went with the same trite "photoshop" excuse.
"My life is 100% real. These online hackers putting a picture of my face when I was a teenager in high school on other peoples' body. If this s**t was real don't you think they would have more specifics, like dates and everything?”
Officer Ross could have done better than the "I looked 40 in high school" excuse. Oh and once specifics leaked (his start date, his salary, his SSN) he claimed the documents were forged.
Oh I get it. The haters and the government joined together in a secret conspiracy to bring down Rick Ross. This heinous plot was unleashed to soil his rising popularity and growing influence. You know, so the world won't lose any sleep over the biggest boss that we've seen thus far.
Look, I understand that it's standard for many artists to have delusions of grandeur, but who does homie think he is? Rick Bourne? No one cares that much. We have many coke rappers out there -- some of whom have actually sold coke.
Why didn't he just say that the CO job was a cover? Or maybe hint that he was a crooked corrections officer. I would still look at him as an obese version of Mr. T. who has only pushed weight on the scale, but there are plenty of fools out there who would accept either lie.
He's not alone, though. From the carefully scripted fallacies of The Hills to the too good to be true drug cartel stories of Rick Ross, we're all being sold fairytales.
You don't have to go far from Ross' Miami locale to find another liar in the fold. While he often sounds like he just finished his shift picking cotton, more and more people have talked to me about how different Plies sounds in interviews than on his albums. Yes, Plies can read. So well in fact that he just started a scholarship foundation. He should probably be commended for that since the foundation is geared toward offering legal services to the incarcerated while also helping them rehabilitate, but that would counter the image he's crafted for himself.
I know for a fact that there are a bunch of kids sitting in juvenile hall idolizing Plies and Lil' Wayne. Plies for doing time (although that's never been confirmed) and Wayne for...well being Wayne.
Each of them have made a fortune off their naivete as the bulk of these kids who try to mimic their tales end up dead, in jail, or become addicts. Speaking of addicts, Lil' Wayne can boast about a great life, but here's a thought: Drug addicts aren't happy. No one points that out, though. Everyone's too busy pretending to be Italian, or Cuban, or Frank Lucas, or Jay-Z, or someone else that's pretending themselves.
The only other lesson in this could be to learn when to shut up. Rick Bourne aggravated the situation by denying initial reports and then telling people to find more proof. And even after said proof surfaced he still denied his past. Now actual people are going to come out to say what we already know now: Rick Ross is a lying ass liar.
Will it kill his career? I doubt it, and even if it did, there's another Dr. Suess out there ready to take his place.
If the sight of this sandwich has your mouth watering like the Pacific, I suggest you go and get right with God.
