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Tuesday, February 24, 2009
12:54 PM



There's a reason why a sizable portion of the American male population needs to start shopping at Lane Bryant for chest support, and why a number of asses make Hyundais look like toy cars. We are a greedy nation, and it's about time that gluttony has been captured correctly online.

Meet one of my new favorite websites, This Is Why You're Fat. Two bonus points for using you're correctly.

There you will find heart-attack inducing creations like:

Chicken fried bacon with gravy.

Egg 'n ham sammich.

Some half pound rib eye, hot link, bacon concoction. Let's just call it Bypass Burger.

Fried cupcake.

Some crap with pudding, six sausage patties, burger patties, cheese, and God knows what else. They call it the Sandwich of Knowledge. I call it the Sandwich of Death. Go with my name. It's a lot more clever.

There's also a bacon wrapped meat loaf sandwich covered in mac 'n cheese, a deep fried tootsie roll, and a bunch of other treats that will have you needing insulin faster than you can say, "Oh my God, give me an Advil...I think I'm having a heart attack" half-way through that Bypass Burger.

I would post more, but I think my heart rate has been through enough.

Before anyone - well you in particular - says it, I have to admit I used to be a terrible eater. If you're familiar with Jack and the Box, you may know about the Extreme Sausage Sandwich: a double sausage patty with egg and cheese breakfast treat. I, however, never ate it with the egg. I showed restraint.

However, not enough, because I ate this every morning when I could, and would eat chicken strips with french fries for lunch, and then proceed to eat an Ultimate Cheeseburger with jumbo sized fries and a strawberry soda. For desert, I'd also order two tacos -- dipped in grease.

That's exactly why my ass was getting fat again, which is definitely why I no longer eat that crap.

Now if you're looking at any of these pictures and thinking, "Mmm...sammich," your ass is nasty. I know, I know: Judging you on your meal choices is wrong. Well, whatever, I'm not trying to sit next to your Hungry Hungry Hippo ass on the plane.

Eat a grilled turkey burger and some tortilla chips (multi-grain, preferably) and stop killing yourself.

The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at