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Thursday, March 12, 2009
2:15 PM

Help Me: Keri Hilson


Dear Michael,

I am so excited about my album dropping. I'm very proud of it. I can't wait for the world to hear it. I'm a musical flower child and I'm so glad the world will finally get to learn that when they hear In A Perfect World...in stores, thank you. Not an advanced copy or some bootleg zip file of tracks. The real thing! Like for real, for real.

I was beginning to think Polow and Tim were going to have to beg Jesus to jump on a track for the label to get a set release date, but finally I'm here!

There's one problem, though.

I'm sure you've heard about it by now, but let me just reiterate: I was not talking about Beyonce or Ciara, or Keyshia Cole, or Rihanna. I was talking about my haters in general. But no one believes me! I don't understand why.

Oh...that. What?! I was only explaining that they took me off the "Love In This Club" remix for Beyonce and that she doesn't write her everything she touches. It's not like I came out and said the bitch ain't God. They asked a question, and I answered it.

"Check the credits hoe?" I mean, my name isn't even there on "Love In This Club" remix so why would I be talking about Beyonce then, huh, huh, huh? Oh...the go have some babies thing.

You know, that could be about any singer with a uterus.

Alright, so I laughed at that a little bit when I saw it on the blogs, but I swear I wasn’t talking about Beyonce.

OK, so I laughed at that, too. But I’m not talking about her.

Or Ciara. See: These bloggers got my homeboy mad at me. I tried to explain to her that it wasn’t like that, but ya’ll have her thinking I’m dissing her.

It’s not like I made this:

I snickered a little bit, but hey, it's funny!

I don’t want a stan war.

That’s just not good for business. And it doesn’t seem to be too safe either.

Who is he and why doesn’t he need a permit to go on YouTube?

I don't need this pressure. How can I fix this before the record label changes its mind again?


P.S. Are you gonna buy my album?


Dear Keri,

You coming at Beyonce is like David vs. Goliath, Nicky vs. Paris, Tia vs. Tamera, or Janet vs. Rebe.

Oh, wait you weren’t talking about Beyonce or Ciara? Uh huh. Sure.

I aint tryna start no mess, it's just something on my chest that I need to get off 'Cause You turnin me off.

Your Vision cloudy if you think that you the best.
You can dance, she can sing but need to move it to the left.
She need to go have some babies, she need to go sit down, she fading... .

That could have been anyone. Monifah, Athena Cage, the really light skinned girl from Shades, the girl who clowned your dress back in 4th grade…who knows, right?

Stop. You’re a writer, but you’re writing for Britney Spears and Mary J. Blige, not Stevie Wonder. The lyrics aren’t that clever. We can figure it out.

You say you read the blogs so you know no one thought you were talking about Rihanna or Keyshia Cole. Everyone assumed it was Beyonce, Ciara, or both. Most figured Beyonce based on the fading and baby lines.

I saw that video before you took it down. You waited until the very last second to mention Beyonce’s name as if you forgot she wasn't the main name thrown around.

You didn’t like being replaced on the “Love In This Club” remix and you wrote the verse Beyonce sang. She wasn’t credited for it and neither were you. The song itself flopped. Consider yourself lucky.

I’m sure it was Polow Da Attention Whore who told you this would be a great idea, but yeah, it wasn’t. I tend to think R&B beef is corny, but if you’re gonna Sisqo yourself, you might as well go all the way with it.

Which brings me to your second problem: You come out swinging and then you back down.

You did this for a few seconds of attention, and when you get it, you play coy. What was the point?

If you’re gonna come out talking noise but want to be vague enough to not answer for it, do yourself a favor and don't say anything that will lead to people drawing conclusions.

Coming at people seemingly unprovoked calling them hoes isn’t going to do much good for an artist who took like 17 tries to get one hit.

Here’s what you should do:

1. File a restraining order against that dude in the YouTube video. He looks dangerous.

2. Stop listening to Polow.

3. Put your album on sale for like 7.99. It’s a recession.

4. Try and see if you can still get that opening spot on the Sasha Fierce tour. Yeah, we know you were trying to get put on.

5. Hope Ciara doesn’t have roid rage.

Good luck with that album.


P.S. This is Beyonce’s response:


The Cynical Ones.
posted by Michael at