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Monday, April 07, 2008
12:26 PM

How Beyonce Broke The News To Kelly


Kelly is inside of her special “B’Room,” kneeling before a life-size blow up doll with a blond wig taped to its head. Kelly is ignoring the constant ringing as she prays to her lord and savior gyrator, Beysus. Then, a big orange light starts flashing on and off throughout the room, alerting her that her B’line is ringing. Kelly leaps into the air, and knocks herself the stack of Ms. Kelly cd’s near her bed as she rushes to answer Beyonce’s call. Kelly quickly catches her breath before answering the phone.

Kelly: Heeeeeeeeeey Bee.

Beyonce: Hey, Kelly. Are you busy?

Kelly: I’m never too busy for you, Bee.

Beyonce: Right. Stupid question. The hell you got to do anyway. I need to talk to you. I have some news for you.

Kelly: Is Destiny’s Child getting back together?

Beyonce: Didn’t I tell you not to bring that up again?

Kelly: I’m sorry, Bee. I just love standing next to you on stage.

Beyonce: I know. My back still hurts from carrying you all those years. I don’t know how you’re going to take this, but Jay and I are getting married.

Three minutes go by and Beyonce keeps yelling Kelly’s name. Finally she answers.

Beyonce: Kelly! Kelly! Get yo’ ass up!

Kelly: Hello?

Beyonce: What happened?

Kelly: Oh I just fainted a little bit.

Beyonce: It’s crazy, right?

Kelly: YES, it is.

Kelly: Bee, I don’t think you should marry him.

Beyonce: Why is that?

Kelly: *Begins singing* Because I am in love with you – IN LOVE – you set me free, I can’t do this thing called life without you here with me!

Beyonce: What have I told you about trying to sing my songs?

Kelly: Sorry, Beysus-I mean Beyonce.

Beyonce: What did you call me?

Kelly: Nevermind. I just don’t think he’s any good for you, Beyonce.

Beyonce: He’s rich, and he loves me, and yeah, he’s rich.

Kelly: He looks like a KOOL cigarette ad, Bee.

Beyonce: Well haven’t you started smoking?

Kelly: Yeah, but…

Beyonce: But nothing. Maybe my Camel can get you the hook up now.

Kelly: Whatever, bitch.

Beyonce: What did you say to me?

Kelly: I said you’ve got that marriage itch – but you shouldn’t scratch it.

Beyonce: We’re in love, Kelly. I thought you’d be happy for me.

Kelly: So what I am supposed to do?

Beyonce: Get a life. Get a man.

Kelly: I’m being serious, Beyonce.

Beyonce: Umm, I thought I was, too.

Kelly: Is he going to promote you during your projects on his own time like me? Is he going to bring you up in interviews when people don’t even have you on the brain the way I do? Is he going to leak your tracks online so people can start hyping up your next album like I just did?

Beyonce: That was you?!

Kelly: Of course it was, Bee-bear.

Beyonce: Why the hell did you do that?

Kelly: It’s been two weeks since anyone’s talked about your music. I figured you needed the publicity.

Beyonce: I gave you that time so you can promote the re-release of your first flop, and to give Michelle a chance to promote her new single.

Kelly: Oh come on! You know my album’s not going to sell anymore. That good luck only happens to people like you --- who re-release their projects eight times.

Beyonce: But what about Michelle?

Kelly: What about her?

Beyonce: Unlike you, she’s trying.

Kelly: Yeah, but no one cares about her, or me for that matter. I don’t even care about me that much. You’re the Destiny’s Child in Destiny’s Child. I was just trying to be a good friend.

Beyonce: So about the wedding…

Kelly: Wait, you’re still going through with that?

Beyonce: I’m sure about it as I am about having Popeyes cater the affair. So are you coming?

Kelly: I don’t know Bee-Bee, I don’t know if I can support this.


Kelly: Ok, ok. Well can I be the maid of honor?

Beyonce: No that’s Solange.

Kelly: Can I be the flower girl?

Beyonce: No. Lil’ Daniel and Tina are battling for that.

Kelly: Can I be the Usher?

Beyonce: No that’s Usher.

Kelly: So what can I do?

Beyonce: You can stand on the side of me with Michelle.

Kelly: You mean just how we do it in Dest-I mean…like old times?

Beyonce: Yeah. Don’t get in my light. You remember what happened the last time.

Kelly: Yeah, I still have that scar.

Beyonce: I’ll have Angie send you the details as soon as she finishes dipping my biscuits in honey.

Kelly: Ok, Bee-Love. Thank you for letting me be a part of your special day.

Beyonce: Don’t you start no shit at my wedding.

Kelly: I won’t. I promise. Besides, I know in the end, we’ll still be together.

Beyonce: Huh?

Kelly: I said, in the end, I know that you and Jay belong together.

Beyonce: Oh aight. I’ll talk to you later. And remember, don’t call me, I’ll call you.


Beyonce: Yeah, I love me, too.

The Cynical Ones.
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