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Wednesday, March 18, 2009
1:21 AM

Help Me: Christina Milian


Dear Michael,

Heeeeeeeeeey, Mike.

It’s me. Christina Milian. OMG, so many things are happening. I’m sure you’ve heard by now, but just incase you haven’t I’ve made a new friend. I believe you know him.

Ahh! I know right. It’s crazy. I’m signed to his label, Radio Killa. I really think he can take me to the next level. We have such great chemistry together.

Of course everyone thinks we’re a couple now. It’s so silly. I have no idea why the thought would enter their minds. I guess when two people gel so well together people naturally assume that they’re together.

But I’m so excited to be working with him. He has been killing the game for a while now. Radio Killa! Heeeey! Sorry just felt like saying it again. I’m super excited about the future now.

Have I mentioned that people think we’re dating? And that we’re engaged. It’s so crazy how the blogs are suddenly paying attention to me non-stop about a silly little thing like that.

Is that what gets attention these days? It’s ridiculous. What about talent? What about heart?

Wait what about this picture? Do we look like a couple in it? I mean, not that it matters, because I totally don’t want people giving me attention for this. But let’s just play along and say that we are a couple, how do we look together? And what’s the contact info to Crunk + Disorderly, Bossip, Concrete Loop, and Media Take Out again? I’d love to get their opinions about it.

Oooh, and can you send me Necole Bitchie’s link, too? I mean, gotta get everyone’s opinion? Let’s see, who did I leave out?

After I send this pic and ask each blogger if we look like a couple, I’m totally going to set them straight and inform them that Christina Milian only wants to be known for one thing – my music.

Ugh. Did I mention yet how The-Dream and I hate this picture? The-Dream and I have so many other pictures together that look much better than this shot.

Like that one. The-Dream and I love this pic. We look great together in this picture – kind of like a couple, but really not because you know, I’m not ENGAGED TO THE-DREAM. THE-DREAM AND I ARE JUST FRIENDS.

We make music together. Music that is coming soon. That’s right Christina Milian brought to the world by The-Dream. Radio Killa! Hehehe. Sorry, just had to say it again.

Oh, yeah, I’m writing you for help, right? OK, let’s see, I really want to make it this time. They say the third time is the charm, and three is the square root of the number of chances I’ve been given to blow up so maybe things will finally pay off!

I mean, I’m working with The-Dream now!

That’s just a taste of what’s coming. OMG. Are you ready? Radio Killa!

Bye….gonna go work on material with The-Dream!

Christina Milian (friend of The-Dream)


Dear Christina,

I think you’re a cute girl who can dance her ass off, but musically, I think you should have retired years ago and tried to get a sitcom.

It’s not my place to tell someone to quit, so if you’re a glutton for punishment, by all means, keep on going. Maybe The-Dream can give you a couple of hits…on Billboard, that is.

But, if I’m being honest I believe your time to shine came and went several years ago.

This is when you should have blown up. Then you came with that Disney channel inspired single and Ashanti came and took your spot.

Then you had that chance when “Dip It Low” drop. That was a dope video. You truly are a great dancer. Yet, you blew that one, too.

Oh and when you were given another chance and offered “S.O.S.” you turned it down.

You see how that panned out.

And now you want to try again. Here is the world’s reaction to word of a new Christina Milian album.

It’s been eight years now. You’re kind of like the female Ray-J in that once in a blue moon you may score a hit song, but you’ll never have a hit album. Fortunately, albums are starting to become less and less relevant.

That could give you an opportunity to give people a reason to give a damn, but I doubt it. You may get another hit here and there, but those big solo star dreams evaporated when Ashanti cooed baby 89 times in a single song and dried out completely when Rihanna rolled around in Beyonce’s old tracks.

If you fail again, I’m sure you could find another producer to “befriend,” but is it the production value or is it that we just don’t care that much.

Who knows, but good luck with Teddy Graham.

Listening to a Beyonce album and thinking, “Thank God she’s not you!”



The Cynical Ones.
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