I heard about this dance while out at happy hour with a friend on Sunday. Before you even say it: Shocker that a discussion about a dance that looks like this came about in the presence of alcohol.

I know I make it a habit to at least be aware of every new retarded dance that's out, but I don't like this one at all.

1. I'm too tall for all of that. I don't mind getting low, but my body is not a homemade trampoline. Either we're going to drop it low, pick it real slow, or maybe even drop it, pick it up, then drop it again. But when you're asking me to drop it, stay there, then move around like I'm going through an invisible obstacle course, we have a problem.

2. There is no jig in this dance. This made me suspicious that the dance is not based in the South. That's also a problem, because well, our ign't dances are better than yours. They just are. You know it. I know it. That's why you always end up doing ours while we refused to chicken noodle soup. We only did the lean back while we waited for the bartender to hurry up with our drink.

3. The beat sucks. Another sign that this didn't originate in the South. Judging from the comments, this may have come out of the Midwest. I have friends from the Midwest, so I'll play nice. I will say, though, this is not what's up. At all.

4. Why is it called the jerk? Isn't that something our parents or young grandparents used to dance to? If I saw my mama sneaking off to do this, I refuse. Then again, they're not going to play this in Houston, which means I'll be spared when I make a trip home.

5. It looks like you have to wear skinny jeans to do this dance. So between joining a yoga class just to get flexible enough to do half those stretches involved in the dance, I have to choke my balls out. Hell nawl, ya'll.

This is exactly why someone needs to tell me who came up with dance #18 of the Dallas boogie, the Bobby V. A friend told me about on Saturday, but I haven't been able to find a video on YouTube.

Someone help me out. Look at the title of this entry again. I can't do this jerk stuff.