What’s poppin’, Mike, it’s your girl Ashanti. Hitting you up for a bit of advice…y’know.
Yo, I’m dropping my new album in June…or July…or September, hmm, Christmas ’09 at the latest. But MAN, the album is BANANAS. Like the kind Mighty Joe eats. It’s that crazy! YESSSSS!
But you know a lot of people are dogging me out. I feel like the underdog, know what I’m saying. It’s like people trying to act like they weren’t singing all those babies with me a couple of years ago. I know they remember, because those joints were BANANAS! Curious George at a banana buffet BANANSAS!
No, bananas in pajamas bananas!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
So, it’s like I feel pressure, but in a good way, know what I’m saying? I’m nervous, but I’m excited at the same time.
I think that definitely since it’s been so long that people might be ready for me to come back. My last album was ’04, y’know. Wait, maybe you don’t, because not many of ya’ll copped it. What was up with that anyway? How ya’ll gonna just stop buying my rec-kerds like that?
Oh, I know: Be-yawn-say. That bitch. I mean, what was so hot about her anyway? She doesn’t even know what déjà vu means. At least when I say baby it makes sense. Like you can’t mess up baby, feel me?
I gotta admit, though. She kind of caught me by surprise. Wasn’t expecting to be just blown away like that. Maybe those rumors about her breath were right, because she like huffed around my position on the charts and blew me away. Who knew that gravy at Popeyes was that strong, right?
But aye, I finally figured out the brand of glue Beyonce’s using for the wigs. And I been taking dance lessons again. The game ‘bout to change, man. It’s murder! – or the Inc., or wait, I’m saying derrty now. Re-do: The game, man – it’s derrty! HA!
Anyway timing is everything, and it’s like, everything’s falling into place, know what I’m saying? Like I’m here and I’m back!
Have you heard my new single? Crazy, right? And yeah, Babyface is on the new album. When I found out we got him for the project, I was thinking, “Yo, the first part of his name is Baby, my favorite word is Baby, bam we got this!”
But man, the song isn’t doing as well as my previous ones, nah mean. I mean, it’s doing a lil’ something on the R&B charts, but I want it to POP, y’know.
I kinda feel like the underdog now. It’s been a four year gap beyond my control. It’s not like I decided to chill. It was taken away. Irv was trippin’, man. I mean, man can’t plan in advance for an FBI indictment? Now he not tawking to me, acting all funny. Whatever, little Black Vienna sausage man.
So this comeback, right. What do you suggest? I mean, I got Shia ready to bust Rihanna’s kneecaps, and Mom's said she’s shanked a tranny before, so Ciara’s no problem, but that Beewildering Breath having chick better stay outta my way this time. I don’t want to have to do her in Glen Cove style, feel me!
So, man, I’m trying to put the puzzle back together, only dolo this time. I need your help man. I want to get those hits back out there. YES!
Oooh baby,
Ashanti
--
Dear Ashanti,
You know, when people actually hated you, I mean starting petitions about you and plotting to bomb Glen Cove, I didn’t really think you were that bad.
Don’t get me wrong, you did look like Harry and the Henderson's was your kinfolk and what not, but after a fresh makeover, I thought you cleaned up pretty nice. I though all of those hairy comments about you were out of line. They had you looking like Smurfette after a couple of good waxes, and Smurfette was pretty for a blue blob, so tell the haters to take that!
Besides none of that had to do with what matters most: the music. So yeah, after I stopped debating on whether or not you were a disgruntled teen mother because you kept hollering baby in every song, I liked your music for what it was. Did I buy any of your albums? Hell nawl, but I thought about buying that second. I have a promo copy, if that counts for anything.
Your voice – well, that’s another, story, but let me put it this way: You’re sounding a lot better than Mariah Carey these days.
Still, I have to know: Why haven’t you had the slightest bit of vocal growth in five years? I watched that performance you had last week and you sounded like you were struggling something awful. Like your throat was trying to runaway from an abusive relationship. Stick to singing softly, okay? You can get by doing that. The minute you try to really sang, whew, you sound like a commercial for kicking a chick in the throat.
Now on to your career: Uhh…ooh baby. Look, the song is alright, but if we’re going by third time’s a charm and you’re still not blowing back up well…
To be kind, I think you might go gold (at best), and maybe you might put out a few R&B hits. But your previous mind-boggling fame from a few years ago -- yeah, homie, those days are over. Might not be a bad idea to call Monica and Brandy and talk about a “We Ain’t Dead Tour.”
If that’s not enough for you to keep going, maybe you might want to work on getting a sitcom. That way you can step out of yourself and play someone that’s so unlike your true self – like a person a rhythm or something. You got a few decent chops. I saw you on Buffy!
If that doesn’t work, I don’t know what to tell you.
Have you saved your money from your royalty checks? If not, punch a hole in a condom and go make a trip to St. Louis. Best investment you’ll ever make in your life.
That's the best I can do. You should have hit me up in 2005.
P.S. Before you fade into oblivion, I have to ask you a few things.
Did an ewok have to die for you to wear this shirt? I've always been curious.
And you didn’t really bang Irv Gotti, did you? I don’t know why, but the dude reminds me of a ham sandwich. Tell me you didn’t, Ashanti.
Can we end rap beef, especially between cornballs? Not that many rappers move that many units anymore these days, so as far as I’m concerned, everyone is on the Minnow headed for the island of irrelevance. Learn to get along or all drown in Soulja Boy’s wave of popularity.
I’m not exactly Bow Wow’s biggest fan, but even I have to speak up for Omarion’s BFF, because Yung Berg (I know, I know: Who the hell is that?) is getting out of pocket.
“First and foremost, 50 told me some smart shit. 50 told me move him [Bow Wow] out the game, period. He told me to crush him. He told me demolish him,” Berg revealed to XXLMag.com. “He told me do the ‘Do That There’ remix with him on it and then come up with my diss record and totally move him out of music. “But, I don’t wanna do that,” Berg continued. “I can see me and Bow fucking a lot of bitches together. My whole thing is either you’re going to be an alliance on this [Snoop Dogg] tour this summer, or it’s, ‘Fuck you!’ Period. I don’t need you as a friend. I came in the game by myself.” Don’t expect the Fif assist just yet, though. Berg and Bow are cool for the time being. In fact, Bow may appear on “One Night,” a YB record that already features Trey Songz. Then again, Berg is offering Bow one of two choices. “If he gets on the record then we’re cool,” Berg explained. “If he doesn’t cause he doesn’t want to, that’s fine. If he doesn’t cause he doesn’t get cleared cause of his current situation, I’m on his head again.”
Ahem. First off: “I can see me and Bow fucking a lot of bitches together.” That’s quite an interesting statement, isn’t it? No hetero.
Secondly: Why listen to Curtis? Was he one of the few fools who bought Curtis over Graduation last fall or something? While he’s at it, maybe he should get some advice on maintaining a successful career in music from Charli Baltimore.
Third: “I don’t need you as a friend. I came in the game by myself.” Ok, but if it’s all about [you] then why do [you] care what Lil’ Ruff Ruff does with his time? I’m confused. Explain stupid rappers who don’t move units, and will say anything they think will mislead people into thinking they’re not as lame as they truly are to me.
Lastly, whose career can Melted Cube ether? Has he released an album before? I don’t follow wack asses like that, so help your man out.
Instead of beefing with Bow Wow, shouldn’t he be joining him at the train station at Times Square holding the cups while Omarion pop looks for quarters?
If you want to move beyond the misleading headlines and distorted sound bites, you will find a number of links below.
You can click here for Reverend Wright’s interview with Bill Moyers. This proves yet again that when it comes to real journalism, you’re more inclined to get it from PBS and overseas news outlets – or The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.
And if you go here, you can watch the man’s NAACP speech that CNN decided to make a national event. What can I say? I guess it’s better than playing a 30-second sound bite for two weeks straight over and over again.
You can also hear the man speak field questions following an appearance at the National Press Club from some reporters that should’ve opted for careers in accounting by going here.
While I concede that his speaking out is indeed a distraction from the issues at hand, and Reverend Wright’s presence in the media may well indeed further damage the Obama campaign, if my entire existence were being surmised in thirty second sound bites that were largely taken out of context, I wouldn’t be ducking the opportunity to clear my name either.
If Obama is meant to be President, he will be President. Either way, an Obama administration won’t change some of the issues that people like Reverend Wright speak about.
Disclaimer: If four-letter-words and graphic details are unsettling to you, scroll away from this post. I’m a bit more blunt than usual. Smile.
I’m beginning to feel like the old man who yells out at kids on his porch, “You lil’ knuckle heads don’t know nuffin’ ‘bout no good music.” That’s a problem at barely 24, no?
When I’m not complaining about how awful music is sounding, I’m throwing jeers at how ridiculously the pseudo artists behind them are looking. I sound like a T-Pain hook, but I can't help it.
I understand that sex sells and when it comes to pop music, putting everything on full display boosts chances of success. In the past, that never bothered me as much as it did other people. I am no prude by any means (trust me), but the more I look at the stripper-like singers and how increasingly younger they’re starting to spread ‘em, even I’m becoming a bit unnerved.
Like I said, I tend not to mind slutty artists, but the fact that I can tell this under 21 piss-colored hair minor waxes her snatch (that's clearly on display) when I know her music is probably geared towards people who still wait for a bell to go to lunch kind of bothers me. Whatever middle-aged man and/or ex-Band member turned A&R rep that never got any until he got credentials should be ashamed of themselves for this overly-sexual contrived image made for these girls.
No one is telling this fame-hungry minor that with all that makeup and ugly weave, she's going to be baldheaded and looking 40 at 30. Not to mention broke as I can’t imagine a member of a group formed on a television network really making any significant amount of money even if they do manage to go platinum. Ask Danity Kane.
Believe me: I’m not running around listening to “Stomp” throwing holy salt on the CD aisles at Target. I honestly don’t mind sexually charged anything, but it just bothers me when it doesn't feel like the person owns it. These girls just seem to be doing as they're told. I miss the good ole days when Madonna and Janet were their own whores. (That’s said in jest, stans: Don’t go trying to e-got me.)
In the recording industry must every Black girl be forced to morph into an off brand version of Malibu Beyonce with the sexual energy of Karrine Steffans at the NBA draft while their white counterpart transform into some big tit blond? Meanwhile Rick Ross is supposed to be the object of sexual desire because the police haven't caught him yet. It just seems wrong and I'm a man.
And what the hell is sexy hair? Someone explain that concept to me. Does it came in a pack from Kim’s Beauty Supply or does it have to be custom-ordered from India? I’m lost.
Okay, let me go put my teeth in and step out of my soapbox before I break a hip. PopsCynic has said enough.
All dese dick swallowing, nut bucket ass hoes walking around like dey supposed to get all the praise! Got young girls thinking its cool to be fake and fuck and suck niggas to be respected.
Can you catch crabs from a video? I hope not. I didn't know what a Girlicious was when I first scrolled passed the name on a message board, but after one phone call, I've since learned that this freaky foursome consists of the 'winners' from the show, The Pussycat Dolls Presents: Girlicious. Isn't that name Girlicious catchy? It's like so sexy, right? Yahh!
The show's season finale aired yesterday, and their pimps producers from the show have wasted no time in releasing the video for their first single, "Like Me." The song gives Natalie, Nichole, Tiffanie, and Chrystina (Isn't cool how they remixed the spellings of their names? That makes them like so much hotter! Yahh!) the opportunity to let us all know that no other hoe can out tramp them.
That's an interesting choice of subject matter considering this song sounds like nothing more than an irregular version of their fairy godstrippers' hit "Don't Cha" - the first single from their debut album. Plus, if you squint while watching this, you would think Danity Kane pulled a Destiny's Child and filmed a video without letting one of their members know they no longer have a job.
I really hope this show's demographics consists of mainly men who want to fuck them or a few gay men that want to be them. Maybe even a little bit of both. Whatever the case, tell me little girls aren't watching this show thinking they, too, can become well paid famous strippers that "sing" jingles so long as they can work a pole and treat individuality like it comes with a case of herpes. Then again, truth hurts.
I give this group six months until most people forget their existence -- until the follow up season airs, of course. Then they get a few more extra months of D-listdom out of sheer politeness.
If you want more Girlicious, you can check out the video for their next single called "Stupid Shit" here. Now why didn't anyone suggests that as a group name?
I'm obviously wasting too much time reading and writing because I'm letting the hits slip past me. This song would obviously advance the Young Sinick movement. I'm feeling inspired.
I heard this nonsense in Atlanta last weekend. I thought a bunch of people were served some bad brown at the bar, thus they busted into convulsions out on the dance floor, but alas, that scenario makes far too much sense. Peep the cameo from Soulja Boy. It wouldn't surprise me if they used to share seats on the short yellow bus.
This will no doubt spread like K-Y jelly at Chris Stokes' house, so look forward to hearing this drilled into your skull in the next couple of months. That is, if it hasn't already been embedded into your brain.
Personally, I'm too old to dance like I'm caged at the zoo -- you can count me out of doing this dance. 'Get Silly' doesn't have the sophistication of say, a 'My Dougie' or a 'Ratchet.' I'll be stepping as far away from this dance as the hairline of the person behind it. Or should I just be happy this song and video isn't not killing anything besides my brain cells?
I will give V.I.C. one thing, though: If there were any two words to put together to craft a hit song in 2008, they would be 'get silly.' I think I'll go with the words 'dumb asses' for one of my platinum ring tone smashes due in the near future. What do ya'll think?
Remember when R. Kelly made good music? I believe 56k modems were still what the bidness was.
I would expect a song like this from a mentally retarded 10th grader inspired by the Pretty Ricky's and Soulja Boy's of the world. But not someone, who despite being an admitted functioning illiterate with a well documented urinary tract deficiency problem, is a talented musician. Or so I thought. This has got to be one of the stupidest, simplest, poorly written and "sang" songs I've heard in a long time -- and I listened to the radio for a few minutes last night. Having said that, I imagine looking at many an idiot with this bullshit as their ringtone for months to come. Seriously, though: Hairbraider? Hairbraider?! What's next? Biscuit Baker? Sexy Waiter? Chick That Sold Me Gators?
Make it stop. Please. I swear a baby who just learned his first word could make a hit song so long as he or she uses a vocoder.
I hate R. Kelly, and I'm pretty sure I'm close to hating anyone that keeps letting his old ass hang out at both the club and McDonalds Playland. Can someone please lock him out of his Jungle Jim themed studio so he can stop making songs like this?
You might have picked up on this, but I'm not the biggest Alicia Please fan. But today, there will be no screeching cat pictures, nor will there be any pictures of Queen Latifah as Cleo in this Alicia Keys post. I'm taking a break to give props when they're due. I like her new video. I think it's dope. I liked School Daze, and this video serves as a good tribute to the one of the best Spike Lee joints. I would like to add that while I don't always like the final product, I appreciate that Alicia tries to be creative with her video treatments versus the typical look at my lacefront, look at my lacefront, watch me coochie pop, watch me coochie pop videos that dominate R&B and hip hop videos these days. Having said that kudos to Alicia and her side eye for thinking outside of the fan and wig glue factory.
Congratulations to Hillary Clinton on winning a state we all knew she was going to win several months ago. With that being said, can this bitch drop out already?
Yes, I said bitch. If it helps, I think her husband is a bitch, too. Didn’t I tell ya’ll I was a gender-neutral bitch basher? Anyway, this novel idea of Hillary Clinton somehow slithering her way past Obama and seizing the Democratic nomination despite not having the lead in either the delegate count or the popular vote is nothing more than a media-generated fairy tale invented to keep ratings up and all of us talking.
Let’s be for real: She’s not going to be the nominee. That is, unless the Democratic Party makes the dumbest move in decades. Considering their moves in recent years, that scenario isn’t completely unlikely, but I highly doubt it. Indeed, the Reverend Wright controversy has put a dent in the Obama campaign, and of course, the “bitter” comment he made weeks ago was a stupid move on his part. Still, she ain’t gon’ win. So can we off this fool, already?
Hillary’s minions keep yapping to the press about how Hillary wins all of the big states, and how she and she alone can defeat John McCain. Bitch please. The Democrats need two key factions of society to vote in droves to win the presidency: Black folk and the youth. I’m Black and I’m young and let me tell you – I ain’t voting for that lying, conniving, double-talking, race baiting, piece of shit clown of a candidate.
She is poison. She is nothing more than the Democratic Party’s version of George W. Bush: A sneaky, despicable, tactless person that will do or say anything to denigrate her opponent to get ahead. I used to like that she seemed to be strong – now I’m seriously considering donating to whatever Republican that tries take her Senate seat in New York. I despise her that much.
I am huge on voting, but I can’t force myself to vote for Hillary Clinton. I know there are plenty of people who feel the same way. Sure, there will be people who will vote for a three-legged pit-bull before they vote for John McCain; but not enough to give her the edge she needs to win. What’s more, she won’t get nearly enough people to come out to vote so that the Democrats can gain a sizable control of Congress. Nope. It ain’t gonna happen. So again, when can we build a yellow brick road and tell her happy ass to skip on back to Chappaqua?
Her camp complains about Hillary being mistreated in the press. Shut that noise up. At the helm of the campaign she coasted on both the legacy of her husband’s accomplishments and $100 million dollars in campaign contributions from the richest of the land. She’s since mismanaged her money and run an arrogant campaign that’s resulted in her having her ass handed to her by a novice. Now if Obama were in her position, I’m certain they would be giving him the same map they handed Jesse when they told his Black ass to find his way back home back in 1984 and 1988. Her campaign is broke. She’s not going to win every remaining state with the sizable portion she needs to magically overtake Obama’s lead in everything, so why are we still humoring her silly ass?
As for these polls that suggest that more Obama supporters are likely to vote for Hillary should she get the nomination than vice versa: don’t believe the hype. They’re not speaking to young people, or that many Black people. That I’m almost certain of. Why? These pollsters have never called me. Have they called you? I thought so.
The Democrats have a candidate that could expand their electorate and build a much needed base for the future of the party. But, instead of focusing on that and raising money to combat the GOP spin machine that’s already gearing up for the fall election, they instead decide to continue to put up with some chick who six months ago, could at best win 48% of the popular vote, then ultimately lose Congress, state legislators, and governorships like her husband because so many people hate her and her husband that much. Why oh why are politicians so simple?
Apparently Hillary’s campaign sent out emails asking people to donate $5.00. With $10 million in debt, she needs every penny she can get. I’m not giving her anything. She’s clearly spending those dollars on keeping her campaign staffers’ crack pipes smoking. I'm not an enabler.
If her campaign weren't so negative, I wouldn't mind her battling this out until June. But, Hillary has decided to take the Karl Rove approach to seizing power and it's hurting the Democratic Party's chances in November.
Much like the New York Times, I’m hoping this will all be over sooner rather than later.
So this video is making the rounds on blogs where people are now branding this as proof that Soulja Boy is gay. Gay people are still largely social outcasts that are often banished, beaten, bullied, and sometimes murdered in this country just for being who they are. They can’t get married in most states, can’t visit their significant others in hospitals, and still can’t get beyond two gender-distorting stereotypes in the mainstream press. Don’t gay folk have it hard enough? Must bloggers make Soulja Boy an addition to the community?
That is just cruel. Soulja Boy isn’t gay. He’s just a moron. Let’s keep him in the breeder bracket and pray he doesn’t reproduce.
I don’t know what it’s like to have had no significant amount of growth in a decade, but I can imagine how much that must suck. Back when female rappers mattered, I considered myself to be a Foxy Brown fan. Now, I can barely stand the sight of her.
She’s obnoxious, ridiculously cocky for someone that hasn’t done anything of note besides attack Asian nail salon workers in years, and seems to be still stuck on behavior that suggests she’s fresh out of the fryer at Popeyes.
But she, like most celebrities (particularly artists) with above-the-law attitudes stemming from delusions of grandeur, seems to be under the impression that she’s the victim.
"I did almost a year in prison, a year in prison, just because my name is Foxy Brown.”
Say what? No, chirper, you did eight months in prison because you’re a dumb ass who throws temper tantrums for the silliest things and attacks people who can’t fight back. She’s been pulling stunts since she came out, and only recently was she locked up for it. I was really hoping that the crew from the nail salons she’s kirked out at through the years would have all joined together and made their way to Rikers to jump her. It’s only right.
I initially thought that maybe, just maybe, she might have learned her lesson from attempt # 150 to be like Lil’ Kim, but it’s pretty clear that besides her now sounding like one of Cher’s friends from Clueless, not much has changed for the sometimes part-Asian, sometimes half-Trini, all the time Jay-Z jocking rapper.
She says she’s no longer going to react, but when you do wrong, yet manage to still portray yourself as some victim of celebrity, I can’t help but remain skeptical. It would be nice if she grew up, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she turned another Blackberry into a football out of a fit of spoiled brat-fueled rage in the near future.
If nothing else, at least she might get a VH1 reality show out of everything. Her poor ego needs all the boosts of relevance she can get.
Could someone give Bill Clinton a sip of shut up juice? What is his problem? Is he that egotistical? Is he that out of touch? Does he secretly want to be the only member of his household to become President? There has to be something behind him continuously putting his foot in his mouth, so what gives?
Bill Clinton gaffe number 485 is Billy Boy blaming Obama for the flack he caught for likening Obama's win in South Carolina (and overall campaign) to Jesse Jackson's victory in South Carolina twenty years ago.
The former president fumed on Monday that it was Obama's campaign that injected the race issue.
"I think that they played the race card on me. And we now know, from memos from the campaign and everything that they planned to do it all along," Bill Clinton said in a telephone interview with WHYY's Susan Phillips. "I was stating a fact, and it's still a fact."
The former president says the comment was "used out of context and twisted for political purposes by the Obama camapign."
So the man known for always being on message didn't make the comment in an effort to play down Obama's pending victory in the state as nothing more than a moral victory based on racial pride? And because he was called out on his transparent attempts to marginalize Barack as the Black candidate by the media, it's Barack's fault? He might not have inhaled back then, but I wouldn't be surprised if a urine sample suggested otherwise now.
You can watch Obama's response to this nonsense here.
Clinton told the interviewer that "you have to really go some to play the race card on me." Clinton then lists the reasons why no one should portray him as a racist. He includes the fact that he has an "office in Harlem, and Harlem voted for Hillary, by the way." He goes on to say, "I have 1.4 Million people around the world, mostly people of color... on the world's least expensive AIDS drugs...."
I guess he told us. Has he walked around Harlem lately? In between the hordes of Black men standing around doing nothing in the middle of the day, there's a bunch of new shops, new buildings for tan-friendly new residents pushing all of the old locals further out. Thanks for all of your help, Bill. I can't wait until he stops running for President.
As the world continues to cling to hope that Nippy will steal someone else's throat and return to making good music on key, her daughter is quickly assuming the role of resident addict in the family circle. Whenever I see pictures of this barely-teenage child, she's either trying to be sexy, or she's looking drunk -- both of which are paths to DUIs, sex tapes, rehab stints, and HPV. Way to raise your kid, Itchy and Scratchy (of the crack persuasion).
That other one in the main pic is her half-sister, LaPrincia. As if that name weren't tragic enough, she seems to share her little sister's penchant for all things fast and irresponsible. What a pity.
Seriously: Where are these kids' parents? Two stepping on CMT and sucking on her 80th throat lozenge of the day?
Now this other Bobby kid has a mama not named Nippy, so where is she? Probably at work, because Whitney stop making Bobby's child support payments. That's understandable, but does she not know what her daughter is doing with these future Girls Gone Wild co-stars?
Oh yeah, word to the wise: Incestuous faux-lesbian poses are disgusting, not sexy.
A couple of years ago, I wrote my first op-ed for my college paper, The Hilltop. In it, I questioned the emphasis on voter registration versus voter education in get-out-the-vote initiatives launched by Diddy Puff and Russell Simmons, respectively.
Now, four years later, I've written another piece for Newsone.com. It's a site owned by Radio One that was soft-launched a little over a week ago.
If you would be so kind as to click here, and read it, and pass it around, and share your thoughts, I'd be most grateful. Apparently it's already gotten under the skin of some people. I believe someone will be writing a retort to it. If so, I'll be sure to link it. In the meantime, check, check, it out.
One quick clarification, though: The title might be misleading, but I don't knock the notion of the hip hop community trying to mobilize the youth vote completely. I just have some concerns is all.
Am I the only one who thinks talking to Lil' Wayne must be one of the most painful things in life? When asked about New Orleans, Lil' D.A.R.E. ad mumbled a bunch of jibberish, then mentioned something about not doing "average things." Y'know: Thinking about something other than yourself. Reading the newspaper. Watching the news. Calling kinfolk and asking, "Hey, are they still on that bullshit down there?"
Like most cracked out addicts on the verge of offing themselves, Wayne wants to be left alone. I love when 'happy people' walk around high all day and craft songs centered on depression, then wonder why people might think they have a problem. He said don't worry about him, worry about yourself. Fine by me, crackhead.
By the way: What is that in the middle of his forehead? It looks like something that ought to be the logo for Superhead. I hope he didn't pay for that.
AllHipHop.com: Who you got in the election? Who you going for?
The Game: Man, I’m goin’ for the n***a man. Obama. Man I don’t give a f**k what he talkin’ bout I ain’t heard Obama say nothin’. I just know that n***a black and he about to win this s**t. Hillary need to fall back man. I’m going for Obama man, that n***a could say I’m going to kill every n***a in the hood when I get in there – I’m going for Obama man. That’s it. Gotta see a Black man, man I’m biased man. I’m biased.
1. The Game continues to make me wish Bruto would knock some sense into his Popeye looking ass.
2. Apparently Mary was referring to her budget when she named this song “Stay Down.”
"Recording is an addiction," he says. "I can't stop." Wayne works quickly — he writes nothing down, records rhymes as soon as they pop into his head, and completes up to five songs a day. He can also knock out a verse for someone else within a half-hour of hearing the beat. That has served him well financially: Wayne charges $100,000 for the average cameo — or $75,000 if he likes the beat or the song. "But nothing less!" Wayne says. "I wouldn't do a song for my sister for less than $75,000."
3. At least 100 rappers, singers, and those that pretend to be both have been overcharged something terrible by Lil’ Wayne. Too bad Dr. Suess isn’t getting his deserved cut.
While the performer’s rap sheet does include a half-dozen arrests, Akon has only been convicted of one felony, for gun possession. That 1998 New Jersey case ended with a guilty plea, for which the singer was sentenced to three years probation. Another 1998 bust, this one in suburban Atlanta, has been seized upon by Akon and transformed into the big case that purportedly sent him to prison (thanks to his snitching cohorts) for three fight-filled years. In reality, Akon was arrested for possession of a single stolen BMW and held in the DeKalb County jail for several months before prosecutors dropped all charges against him.
So there was no conviction. There was no prison term between 1999 and 2002. And he was never "facing 75 years," as the singer claimed in one videotaped interview.
4. Akon is a liar. I don’t know what’s sadder: The mindset that led him to believe that he had to pretend to be a convict to get success or the fact that it actually worked.
5. Foxy Brown is begging fans to show up at the jailhouse today to make her feel special about herself. Hopefully a bunch of Koreans show up and jump her for acting crazy at the nail salon.
How many people have you truly loved?
I’ve always wanted the best for everyone in my life. Except for one person: Bombita. She was in the fifth grade with me. She can die.
What?
She was mean. She used to step on my toes, anything to make me mad. I hope she’s a ghetto statistic. And if that keeps me out of Heaven, then so be it.
6. Erykah Badu continues to be my hero.
The "hippest trip in America" has pulled the plug on its annual award show. Reuters Life is reporting that the Soul Train Music Awards has been cancelled without explanation.
7. If it were 1995, the world would be enraged.
8. ABC News themes its Democratic Presidential after the tabloids.
But if you go two minutes in, you'll see Barack is brushing the dirt off his shoulders.
9. Mariah’s MTV promos for E=MC2 are better than the actual album. (Don’t e-jump me, lambs.)
ONE DAY AT THE BEAUTIFUL BEACH, WATCHING THE OCEAN CRASH INTO WAVES AND THE SKY CHANGE FROM DAY TO NIGHT AND THE SUN SET AND THE MOON RISE SHOWED ME THIS MIRACLE WE CALLED LIFE IS BRAND NEW AGAIN FOR ME.
WE SPEND SO MUCH TIME FOCUSING ON THE FRAGILE AND DELICATE THINGS IN LIFE THAT WE FORGET THAT GRAVITY IS HOLDING US UP AT THIS VERY MOMENT, THAT OCEANS ARE ENDLESS, AND THERES AN ENTIRE LIFE UNDER THE SEAS THAT WE DONT EVEN KNOW ABOUT.
10. Solange tries to go 'deep' with a shout out to Sebastian and Ariel. Manages to still come across as a home school don't.
A little while ago, I did an interview with the homie, Jason, over on his blog, and I remember mentioning one of the few new rappers I did like was this young dude from Cali named Tyga.
Yeah, I'd like to take the time out to say: Don't clown me.
For the record, I heard about him from an article in Blender, and the song that they were referring to was dope. It's no where to be found now, naturally.
I'm happy the guy has scored a major deal, but I cannot defend this song. "Coconut Juice?" The hell. The people I know that would appreciate a song like this are Mary Anne and the Skipper -- and Mary Anne is more of a weed head.
Where did he get that from? Is that some beach front property beverage or something? Oh I get it: The coconut is filled with Goose, right?
Ok, that has to be it. Then again, he's on Lil' Wayne's label, so it could be full of 'Tussin, which in that case, would explain where he got the idea of this song.
What I liked about my fellow skinny man (we stick together) is that he seemed different. But if this is what he's going to come out with, someone call T-Pain. Coconut Juice? For real?
Is it appropriate to bring young children to Happy Hour these days? I know this has nothing to do with pop culture, but oh well -- live a little.
So, I’m at a Mexican restaurant that I was told had a decent Happy Hour (lies, but that’s a separate issue) and I notice the table behind me has a big baby contraption (I forgot what those things are called) in the booth and some newborn is sitting idle as mommy and daddy get lit.
I’m thinking this isn’t in good taste. Am I alone?
Directly next to them at the mini-table is another pair of adults with a child that looks like she’s no older than 5 watching her mom woof down some big margarita. After I get up to order more drinks (the waiter was slow and being a hater), I turn around and see the kid licking the lime from her mother’s margarita glass.
Maybe it’s just me, but if you're going to give your kid likka to fall asleep, grab a can of beer and sneak it into their juice cup at home like decent people. (No: I’m never done this myself. You ain’t locking me up for nothing, nah.)
And beside those people was another kid with her parents. I’m wondering are kids these days that bad you have to go straight from picking them up from school to picking out your favorites from the drink menu.
I have a niece, whom I adore, but I’d never bring her to the bar section amidst a bunch of buzzed people – some of whom just got off who headed to Happy Hour with the hopes of getting off.
Then again, I suppose it could be worse: Those parents could’ve been like these fools and gave a toddler a blunt. (No they’re not Black. Stop that.)
If there were any Black person in the public eye willing to take one for the team and co-sign Geraldine Ferraro’s imbecilic comment that Barack Obama’s only benefitting from his race, and that is much easier for a Black man in America to obtain the presidency than a white woman, of course it would be BET founder Bob Johnson.
"What I believe Geraldine Ferraro meant is that if you take a freshman senator from Illinois called 'Jerry Smith' and he says I'm going to run for president, would he start off with 90% of the black vote?" Johnson said. "And the answer is, probably not."
So if Hillary weren’t a First Lady riding the wave of nostalgia of her husband’s accomplishments, would she be a viable contender for the presidency as the junior senator from New York only half-way through her second term? Would she even be a senator if her last name weren’t Clinton?
Like a true Clintonian, Bob Johnson has a gift for separating his comments from facts and sounding like a complete idiot.
Sen. Hillary Clinton's lead over Sen. Barack Obama, her chief rival for the Democratic presidential nomination, is growing among African-American voters who are registered Democrats, and particularly among black women, a poll said Wednesday.
Among black registered Democrats overall, Clinton had a 57 percent to 33 percent lead over Obama.
If you recall, Hillary Clinton maintained a sizable lead among Black voters up until she and her husband started talking out the side of their necks with their race baiting antics.
None of this has stopped this clown for making more asinine statements like:
"Geraldine Ferraro said it right," Johnson added. "The problem is, Geraldine Ferraro is white. This campaign has such a hair-trigger on anything racial it is almost impossible for anybody to say anything."
If memory serves me correctly, race hadn’t become a theme of this race until the Clintons made it one.
Bob Johnson is living proof that being rich doesn’t make you smart, and that no matter how much power one accumulates through the years, some people are still willing to shuffle despite their better senses.
Barack Obama has won some of the whitest states in the country, yet Bob Johnson wants to co-sign the jilted Golden Girl on her embittered rant that Barack's claim to fame is his melanin count?
Mariah Carey has always had a knack for keeping up with the latest trends in pop music. More often than not, listening to a Mariah Carey album is the perfect way to get a sense of where music is at a particular moment.
When she made her debut in the early 90s, the multi-octave diva’s handlers made sure to pair her with every big ballad loving producer and songwriter that could develop all the songs we now only hear in commercials selling insurance, cars, or heart-attack inducing meals.
Towards the end of the 90s, when hip hop strong-armed both the pop and R&B charts, Mariah Carey began to transition herself from the adult contemporary chart’s favorite balladeer to Black radio’s most celebrated catchy hook crafter.
Her ability to appear able to go wherever the pop wind blows effortlessly is why she’s managed to accumulate well over a hundred million albums sold and rack up enough hits to threaten decade-spanning chart bragging rights by the likes of Elvis Presley and the Beatles.
And then came her notable albeit brief fall from grace in the early part of this decade that now seemingly had more to do with Mariah Carey the person rather than Mariah Carey the singer. A few years later and she resurfaced with the celebrated ‘comeback’ album, The Emancipation of Mimi – an album not as stellar but no less equal in shared themes with Butterfly, one of her most praised projects in which the singer combined her love for belting and beats.
With that album selling millions upon millions of albums and giving her another #1 to her ever-growing tally, it should be no surprise Mariah deviated little from the winning format on her follow-up to Emancipation, E=MC2.
Though the album’s title suggests this album is a superior sequel to The Emancipation of Mimi, if there was any title to grab from Emancipation, it should have been the closing track “Fly Like A Bird” -- albeit with a skewed meaning. On E=MC2, Mariah continues to regress further and further both lyrically and vocally.
When she’s not cooing about calling up Shawntae and Mae-Mae to sip Pinot Grigio (possibly the Boone’s Farm brand, since Mimi is hood now) at the club with T-Pain, she’s complaining about a man with baby mama drama (six fold) to Damian Marley. Did I mention on the latter song she attempts to sing with a patois accent?
Hilarious absurdities aside, on the songs where she’s not taking you to the club, she’s sending you back to the adolescence. Not only does nearly every ballad on the album sounds like a rehash of “We Belong Together,” they all remind listeners that Mariah Carey often writes about love from the perspective of a junior high school girl. One would hope that at 38, Mariah Carey it would dawn on Mariah that she’s old enough to have a child in high school and thus write accordingly. But, when one of your life’s creeds is to live like you’re ‘eternally 12,’ said hopes are nothing more than wishful thinking.
Is the album that bad? No, but when you’re used to material that’s still listenable several years later, you’re going to judge everything that falls short of that somewhat more harshly.
Most critics are likely to rip this album to shreds as conventional wisdom dictates that with such a gift of song, Mariah Carey ought to be belting big ballads versus wasting it by whispering gimmicky hooks over hip hop beats. But these are the same people who once wrote her off - calling her sound dated, and her time, effectively up.
It’s a shame that with such lackluster material Mariah’s beloved vocal chops can no longer distract you from some of the lullaby-like songs found on the album. Fortunately for her, a good voice is no longer a prerequisite to success.
Should we fault Mariah? To a degree, but in an ageist culture where the older you get, the less likely you are to remain relevant on radio, Mariah’s merely doing what she’s always done: give the people what they want at the time to stay afloat. And if mediocre hip hop influenced radio-friendly songs is her key to making sure Shawntae and Mae-Mae push her over the finish line as the artist with the most number one records of all time, that’s what Mimi’s going to give them.
If this is a preview of the next album (no doubt she's going the Marvina Gaye route), she might want to work on her approach.
In a new interview with Blender magazine, Alicia confirms every suspicion that I've ever had about her. When I first heard about this, I was hoping it was some sort of twisted joke. But apparently, the joke is on Alicia Please's publicist.
In her cover story, the would be second coming shares her views on a certain subgenre of rap as well as the deaths of Biggie and 'Pac.
On "gangsta rap" (I hate saying that), Alicia says:
“‘Gangsta rap’ was a ploy to convince black people to kill each other,” she says, putting down the sandwich. “‘Gangsta rap’ didn’t exist.”
Come again? A ploy by whom?
She looks at us like it’s the dumbest question in the world. “The government.”
And on the deaths of Biggie and Pac:
This Alicia pores over Black Panther autobiographies (“I’ve read Huey Newton’s, Assata Shakur’s, David Hilliard’s …”). This Alicia says Tupac and Biggie were essentially assassinated, their beefs stoked “by the government and the media, to stop another great black leader from existing.”
Not to be outdone:
This Alicia wears a gold AK-47 pendant around her neck, “to symbolize strength, power and killing ’em dead.” (“She wears what?” her mom asks Blender. “That doesn’t sound like Alicia.”)
Alicia sounds like someone that smokes too much weed, and whenever they get high, tries to sound "deep." Y'know, the kind who, when around her other weed heads will listen to her, smile and nod and say, "Yeah! Damn right!" Then when the high wears off, they all get together and say, "Yo. The f*ck was that crazy bitch talking about?"
Biggie and 'Pac are not and were never anything close to being Black leaders. The idea that the government purposely worked towards having them killed in an effort to thwart a Black leader from emerging has got to be one of the stupidest things I have ever heard in my entire life.
I love Biggie, but outside a handful of songs (and that's being generous), he talked mainly about drugs, money, sex, and violence. That's not exactly fervor for the revolution. If anything those are the themes you would want championed among a downtrodden faction of society.
As for 2 Pac, well, the comparison to Malcolm X always bothered me, and I'm really tired of people trying to make him out to be more than what he was. His rhymes were typically themed around what was hot at the moment. When social conscious rhymes could still put you on the charts, he told women to keep their head up. When the "money over bitches" mantra became the dominating theme in rap, he was a complete misogynist. After Suge Knight got him out of jail, he spent the rest of his life re-playing the role of Bishop.
They were both good entertainers, and suggesting that they were anything otherwise is insulting and sounds like it comes from the short yellow bus school of thought. It's a shame 2 Pac gets more credit for qualities embodied more so by emcees like Chuck D.
Maybe Alicia's been too busy digging through old soul records to find melodies to jack for her next album, but someone might want to tell her we have a Black presidential candidate right now, and last time I checked, Barack isn't known for spitting hot 16s.
As for that 'gangsta rap' was started by the government nonsense: There are indeed social factors at work that contribute to the themes found in the music she's referring to. But do people really think the government told Ice Cube, Easy E, and the rest of NWA to use their records to destroy Black people?
I'm more afraid of people being able to buy oatmeal and a gun from the same place than I am of a song called "Fuck The Police." No Child Left Behind gives me nightmares. If you're going to worry over the government's role in society, focus on issues like those.
Besides, does no one want to have any personal accountability anymore? Is it always someone else's fault? I wholeheartedly agree with the notion that there are people in positions of power that want to show only one jaded view of Black men and women that perpetuate age old stereotypes. At the same time, we need to own up to our hand in this.
I actually like when artists share their views about the world, but not when they sound like they just finished free basing. Not to the Alicia stans sure to leave hate mail: If she's so hard pressed to counter negative imagery in Black music, then why would she theme some of her videos around her man ending up in jail? And if she truly believes thinks the government is that active at using cultural mediums to attack Black folk, why participate in a song called "Gangsta Lovin'?" Way to lead by example.
I've really tried to like Alicia Keys, but this interview didn't help. She sounds like one of those people standing outside of CVS on Saturday night's standing on a crate telling people to start the revolution and buy a bean pie.
Between that, and her own mother calling her out on her AK-47 pendent, she comes across as just another poser who's not nearly as deep as people would have you believe.
Let me try and be nice: I honestly think she meant well. Maybe she'll explain all of this better once she gets back from vacation. Now if she only ends up sounding crazier than she does in this interview, someone should find that muzzle I once suggested Beyonce try on.
No, it’s not really April 12 yet, but it’s post-dated for a reason: I’ll probably be ‘under the weather’ to focus on posting over the weekend.
‘Tis my birthday, ya’ll. I am turning…old enough. I graduated from high school in 2002. Get it, math whizzes.
I honestly haven’t really thought much about my birthday for different reasons, but that doesn’t mean you still can’t get me a gift.
I would love the following:
1. A book deal; a good, non-racist pigeonholing one, preferably.
2. A deal for a TV show. Writing is my passion, but how many people read anymore? I gots to be a star-ah, ya’ll.
3. Opportunities to expand the brand. This means you editors, lit agents, book agents, development executives. Give me work. Put me down. I know somebody knows somebody that knows somebody else that’s cousins with somebody that can make sure I don’t end up a nobody.
4. World peace. Yes, I care.
5. New albums from D’Angelo and Lauryn Hill. A man can dream, can’t he?
6. For Barack Obama to win the Pennsylvania primary. So this might not be doable, but if can he at least come within five points of Hillary and then crush her in Indiana and North Carolina, I’ll be good.
7. For Janet Jackson to find Rene and Tina and get them to save her from herself. I still want to root for her. I promise I do.
8. To meet Beyonce. I’ve met all the members of Destiny’s Child that I didn’t really want to (but they were nice), and so many other people I know have met Beyonce. Even the ungrateful ones that claim to dislike her. I want to break wings and biscuits with her.
9. Lock Plies and Soulja Boy in a room with an English teacher. The trend of speaking like slaves must die and it needs martyrs.
10. A few other things, but I have to keep some things to myself. Focus on 1-3 the most, though. I mean, I'm working on it, too, but y'know, if you're able to lend a hand stretch it out. #4 if you can.
A.S.S.W.H.O.P.P.I.N.G. Do You Know What That Means?
I feel like my Northern friends may have some problems understanding this, so let me break it down:
Webbie doesn't have seizures. Sometimes he just drinks until he falls to the floor. Hey, it happens.
Speaking of seizures, yeah...don't. At least not with Webbie. Why? Well as Webbie put it out to Indianapolis' DJ Wrekk: "Bitch, quit asking me about muthaf*ckin' seizures before I get on yo muthaf*ckin' ass."
To be fair medical confidentiality is important.
Money doesn't change everyone people, especially people from the boot who sound like their mothers shaped their heads with one.
Oh yeah, big up's to Blondie ducking as soon as Webbie starting talking reckless. She knew what was up.
1. Uncle Pissy does it again. Just when you think this crazy bastard can’t get even more absurd, he ups and finds the number to Sisqo’s old hairdresser. Now when I say people are wearing piss-colored hair that definition takes on a whole new meaning. His new single, “Hair Braider,” can be heard on his MySpace page. You would think with hair like that the song would be a diss record. And if you’re wondering, yes he’s singing with a vocoder. Just remember that ya’ll created that thugged out Cowardly Lion.
2. Someone unlocked the door on the time machine, prompting The New Kids on the Block to release a new song despite no public outcry for one. 1988 refuses to take them back.
3. Usher and Uncle Tameka premiered their new baby, confirming speculation that the adoption finally went through.
4. Someone sent me this video earlier in the week, and I didn’t know what to do with it, so I’m sticking it here. See Usher’s understudy time swagger jack Michael Jackson for the millionth time.
Earlier in the week, I saw some special where a person called Chris Brown the next Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson is a brilliant songwriter, producer, and dancer with impeccable taste in fake hair. Chris Brown sings like he’s nine, acts like he’s 12, and ought to be lending his backflipping talents to the U.S. gymnastic team in Beijing this summer. Don't do Mike.
5. Baltimore children confirm what I knew already: Kids born after 1990 are crazy as all hell. Between “No Child Left Behind,” recession, the popularity of Soulja Boy, and the continued glamorization of all things ign’t and violent, expect one of those little after school special don’ts to try and rob your ass in the coming years.
6. Diddy Puff lost his damn mind this week. On Cassie, the guy who used to have a knack for developing the next big thing said:
“There’s a huge [cry] out there for a younger Britney Spears, a younger Janet Jackson. Those two great artists have paved the way . . . I just don’t think she was ready. I think that we threw her into the spotlight without the artist development — that goes on with a lot of new artists. We pulled out, we took our time, we developed her for like, a year-and-a-half. People are just going to see her there and be like, ‘Wow, she’s really cocooned into a butterfly.”
Compared to Cassie, Britney and Janet are Mariah and Whitney. And last time I checked, Britney and Janet can dance. Cassie can’t even walk without putting me to sleep. Cassie either has the best head game in the world or she at least looks really pretty doing it. Interestingly enough, the only hit song she has is themed around fellatio.
7. For the first time since the advent of Photoshop, the world has been given an idea of what part of Mariah Carey might actually look like in person. In this picture her swole-right foot hasn’t been properly touched up to match her brand new left foot compliments of Adobe.
8. Lil’ Wayne has pushed back his album again. In the meantime, his album cover gives us an idea of what he looked like before he got a Styrofoam cup permanently attached to his hand.
9. Bill O’Reilly makes sense for once. Soon after the temperature drops in hell.
10. Teedra Moses is still alive. Read her new interview with AHH Alternatives here. Between her, the new Erykah Badu album, Keyshia Cole's last album, and the dream that D'Angelo will eventually put down the eightball and pick up a keyboard, I have some relative hope for R&B.
Bonus: In other news, yesterday some cockeyed, Aunt Una from Altuna looking hoe asked me if I wanted to have a good time at the red light. She was dressed like she just left the set of SWV’s “I’m So Into You” video. The moral of the story is: Roll your windows up.
Jamie from Sister 2 Sister had the nerve to tell Ashanti that she "dances her butt off" and that people compare her to Beyonce.
Who the hell are these people and where can I send Lil' Daniel to shank them?
Does Jamie have jokes or did she get her weaves confused? That's one of the meanest things I've ever read about Beyonce. Ashanti gives you a weave pat, a shimmy, and a quick dip. That is not Beyonce. Jumping up and down like a stripper with ADD, rolling on the ground, and crawling around a fan is Beyonce. Saying Ashanti dances her butt off and is comparable to Beyonce is like telling any person really good at screaming that they're the next Chaka Khan.
If you want to compare Ashanti's dancing to somebody, compare accordingly.
Where do you think she could the idea to pat her head and rub her stomach from?
She could use some of his energy.
Imagine these two in You Got Served 2.
If you've noticed, I've been slacking on my Beyonce stanism on this blog for a while (two years maybe). I might have previously called her Malibu Beyonce, or said she needed a muzzle, a book, and three more books after that, but I won't let insult her the way Jamie did. People in wheelchairs can move their legs better than Ashanti.
Remember when Nelly was hot? Yeah, me either. I have to give it to him, though: He's been trying really hard to stay relevant. Too bad he goes about it in the wackest of ways. Just when I think that country duet he did a few years ago was as bad as it gets, Nelly goes and ups the ante. After that last flop, Nelly's turn to Fergie with the hopes of scoring a much needed hit single to push his oft-delayed album, Brass Knuckles. Yeah, I don't think this will work. The song is annoying, and the video does little to change that. It actually makes me hate the song even more.
I don't care if the song is called "Party People:" If I ever hear this song in a club, I'm going to get their liquor license revoked.
Kelly is inside of her special “B’Room,” kneeling before a life-size blow up doll with a blond wig taped to its head. Kelly is ignoring the constant ringing as she prays to her lord and savior gyrator, Beysus. Then, a big orange light starts flashing on and off throughout the room, alerting her that her B’line is ringing. Kelly leaps into the air, and knocks herself the stack of Ms. Kelly cd’s near her bed as she rushes to answer Beyonce’s call. Kelly quickly catches her breath before answering the phone.
Kelly: Heeeeeeeeeey Bee.
Beyonce: Hey, Kelly. Are you busy?
Kelly: I’m never too busy for you, Bee.
Beyonce: Right. Stupid question. The hell you got to do anyway. I need to talk to you. I have some news for you.
Kelly: Is Destiny’s Child getting back together?
Beyonce: Didn’t I tell you not to bring that up again?
Kelly: I’m sorry, Bee. I just love standing next to you on stage.
Beyonce: I know. My back still hurts from carrying you all those years. I don’t know how you’re going to take this, but Jay and I are getting married.
Three minutes go by and Beyonce keeps yelling Kelly’s name. Finally she answers.
Beyonce: Kelly! Kelly! Get yo’ ass up!
Kelly: Hello?
Beyonce: What happened?
Kelly: Oh I just fainted a little bit.
Beyonce: It’s crazy, right?
Kelly: YES, it is.
Kelly: Bee, I don’t think you should marry him.
Beyonce: Why is that?
Kelly: *Begins singing* Because I am in love with you – IN LOVE – you set me free, I can’t do this thing called life without you here with me!
Beyonce: What have I told you about trying to sing my songs?
Kelly: Sorry, Beysus-I mean Beyonce.
Beyonce: What did you call me?
Kelly: Nevermind. I just don’t think he’s any good for you, Beyonce.
Beyonce: He’s rich, and he loves me, and yeah, he’s rich.
Kelly: He looks like a KOOL cigarette ad, Bee.
Beyonce: Well haven’t you started smoking?
Kelly: Yeah, but…
Beyonce: But nothing. Maybe my Camel can get you the hook up now.
Kelly: Whatever, bitch.
Beyonce: What did you say to me?
Kelly: I said you’ve got that marriage itch – but you shouldn’t scratch it.
Beyonce: We’re in love, Kelly. I thought you’d be happy for me.
Kelly: So what I am supposed to do?
Beyonce: Get a life. Get a man.
Kelly: I’m being serious, Beyonce.
Beyonce: Umm, I thought I was, too.
Kelly: Is he going to promote you during your projects on his own time like me? Is he going to bring you up in interviews when people don’t even have you on the brain the way I do? Is he going to leak your tracks online so people can start hyping up your next album like I just did?
Beyonce: That was you?!
Kelly: Of course it was, Bee-bear.
Beyonce: Why the hell did you do that?
Kelly: It’s been two weeks since anyone’s talked about your music. I figured you needed the publicity.
Beyonce: I gave you that time so you can promote the re-release of your first flop, and to give Michelle a chance to promote her new single.
Kelly: Oh come on! You know my album’s not going to sell anymore. That good luck only happens to people like you --- who re-release their projects eight times.
Beyonce: But what about Michelle?
Kelly: What about her?
Beyonce: Unlike you, she’s trying.
Kelly: Yeah, but no one cares about her, or me for that matter. I don’t even care about me that much. You’re the Destiny’s Child in Destiny’s Child. I was just trying to be a good friend.
Beyonce: So about the wedding…
Kelly: Wait, you’re still going through with that?
Beyonce: I’m sure about it as I am about having Popeyes cater the affair. So are you coming?
Kelly: I don’t know Bee-Bee, I don’t know if I can support this.
Beyonce: BRING YOUR ASS!
Kelly: Ok, ok. Well can I be the maid of honor?
Beyonce: No that’s Solange.
Kelly: Can I be the flower girl?
Beyonce: No. Lil’ Daniel and Tina are battling for that.
Kelly: Can I be the Usher?
Beyonce: No that’s Usher.
Kelly: So what can I do?
Beyonce: You can stand on the side of me with Michelle.
Kelly: You mean just how we do it in Dest-I mean…like old times?
Beyonce: Yeah. Don’t get in my light. You remember what happened the last time.
Kelly: Yeah, I still have that scar.
Beyonce: I’ll have Angie send you the details as soon as she finishes dipping my biscuits in honey.
Kelly: Ok, Bee-Love. Thank you for letting me be a part of your special day.
Beyonce: Don’t you start no shit at my wedding.
Kelly: I won’t. I promise. Besides, I know in the end, we’ll still be together.
Beyonce: Huh?
Kelly: I said, in the end, I know that you and Jay belong together.
Beyonce: Oh aight. I’ll talk to you later. And remember, don’t call me, I’ll call you.
The world's oldest and most awkward looking egghead teenager, Chris Stokes like most predators, has taken to the web to find his latest victims the next group of stars.
I liked that he pretended he could name more people that he's worked that we've actually heard of with besides Omarion, B2K, Marques Houston, and Brandy. He's even more bold for actually naming himself as the "mastermind" behind House Party IV. Even if I were held at gunpoint (which has happened), I still wouldn't fess up to having any part of that wackness. Anyone that has seen that movie is liable to shoot you anyway.
He's right about one thing, though: His show is definitely different from American Idol, America's Best Dance Crew, or Making The Band. I was thinking more along the lines of To Catch a Predator, America's Most Wanted, Eyewitness News, or a YouTube interpretation of the book, The Broke Diaries.
He's giving away deals (lawyers would call them contracts for indentured servitude) to solo singers, groups, dancers, and actors. Chris says you can be male or female, but if you were thinking about entering this contest I suggest you go and get yourself a penis if you don't already own one. Don't believe me? Ask Jhene.
To all of you entering this contest with the hopes of following the footsteps of notable acts like O'Ryan, Smooth, and TG4 (Thank you, Wikipedia) I wish you good luck, good Vaseline, and good therapy. If you plan on working with Chris Pokes, you'll need it.
Thanks to groups like Deepside Git Fresh, I have even more reason to keep on pretending that it's 1995.
I don't mind vulgar lyrics, but I do hate corniness, and nothing screams corny more than an R&B group with a song called "Booty Music."
Does everyone want to be like that accused child molester and old man in the club, Pissy?
I realize that subtly is about as popular in contemporary R&B as going on stage lacefront-less or singing live, but with Pretty Ricky giving enough sexual overtones in their music to spur a visit to a free clinic after each listen, can't we do better?
I was on a message board and found this:
Other than the radio success of their ‘06 R. Kelly collabo Let’s Make Love, the R&B group formerly known as Deepside had been pretty quiet. Tired of the stagnancy, they’ve decided it was time for some changes; after changing their name to Git Fresh, the Miami quartet left their old label home of Jive for greener pasture at rival Def Jam. With all the drama behind them, Pretti Sly, Penny, Rude Boi and Mike Ezay take a moment to let everyone know that they’re not the type to play slow jams in the bedroom. Their preference, you ask? Some nice, banging Booty Music (the type provided by producer Bigg D). Def Jam has been an excellent distributor for R&B lately (Rihanna, Ne-Yo); will Git Fresh follow suit?
If you're afraid to click on the link based on the name alone, I don't blame you. If you don't want to listen yourself, let me recap the song for you: One sounds like Dream, another sounds like Akon, and they all sound like they borrowed T-Pain's vocoder as they each give their best R. Kelly impersonation.
I don't know how else to say it: Fuck them, fuck their producer, and fuck whoever uploaded this bullshit in the first place. I try to limit the amount of profanity on here, but I'm tired of all these two-stepping, Chipmunk sounding lames copying songs that should have never been hits in the first place.
And how many more robot songs does the world need? This shit sounds like it's made for a soundtrack to a Jetsons-themed porno.
I don't like to kill anyone's dreams, but groups like this give all these no-talent having bad ass kids hope that they, too, can ride the wave of wackasses with marginal talent becoming celebrities and grow up to get on all of our damn nerves.
The madness has to stop, but not until The Young Sinick Movement sells two million ringtones. Thanks to Kid Fury, I realize that I don't need Polow Da Don to go #1 -- I only need an Apple computer. Yahh Trick Yahh!
